Reply to In-laws being pushy about visiting.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op, DH tells them them The Plan. But Also, realize that not all plans end up happening the way you want them to. No matter how hard you want something. Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. For my daughter, I knew delivering could likely be the most serious medical event she had experienced. I sure was going to be near-enough, so that if she wanted my comfort, I would be there. If she didn't that was ok too. I can wait.

Realize how wonderful it it that your family and little one is loved, loved before they even arrive. Don't be so nasty that you don't understand, that their love, is coming from a good place.[/quote]

Just stop it. You keep posting and throwing little digs at the OP. There is nothing nasty about her post. She and her husband politely told her in laws their plan and the in laws  are the ones being nasty [b]trying to ignore and disrespect[/b] their adult children’s wishes. They are not coming from a place of love, they are coming from a place of putting their wants over someone else’s need. This isn’t love, it’s selfishness. [/quote]

Sincere question here on the bolded....is there anything that a person (IL or otherwise) can do that asks questions or offers a compromise that would not be viewed as "disrespecting" wishes and being nasty?

To be clear, I agree that OP was not nasty in her post.  But I really don't understand the POV that anything other than pure acquiesce/acceptance is necessarily disrespect or violating boundaries.  Do you guys never push back or question a choice made by other people in your life?[/quote]

When someone clearly states that I’m not invited somewhere then yes I accept it. Pushing back or seeking a compromise is EXACTLY what being pushy and selfish  means. They’ve told you no, you aren’t owed a compromise of less time than you demanded but more than they offered. Let them be. [/quote]

So how about this (and yes I know I am inventing facts that OP never said.  I am trying to figure out where the line on "pushy and selfish" is for some of you.)

OP/DH:  We are not having anyone over to see the baby for the first two months.  We want to get through the adjustment and limit potential exposure to viruses.

Grandparent:  I see.  How about we come by after you're home for a few days to drop off a lasagna.  We'll wear masks and have a quick ten minute meeting with the baby and then take DC1 off your hands for a few hours and take him/her out to lunch and the park.  We'll wear masks the whole time.  Would that work for you?

Pushy, selfish, boundary violation?[/quote]

NP.  Nope, try reframing a bit and not saying “how about we come by” when you’ve just been told not to.

[b]“Thank you for letting us know. If you get to a place where a meal would be welcome, we’d be happy to drop off a lasagna or something, and we’d be happy to wear masks and stay outside. Or if it would be helpful for us to pick up Larlo and take him to the park, just let us know.”[/b][/quote]

dp What you proposing is too much.  I'm sure you watch everything you say just to make sure you don't offend anyone.  Honestly, you sound exhausting and if I had to walk on eggshells and know that what ever I say is going to be taken so negatively than I would give up and  quietly ghost you.[/quote]

You do realize that a previous poster asked a “sincere question,” and then proceeded to push back on a different poster’s answer to that question? I, too, am answering a “sincere question.” You don’t have to like my answer, but if you don’t want to read responses to “sincere questions,” maybe…don’t read them.

And yes, I am very careful with my words and am very careful respecting other people’s boundaries, even when I do not understand or agree with them. I find people who test, push and try to talk other people out of their boundaries are the exhausting ones.[/quote]

FWIW I am the poster who asked the sincere question, and not the poster you are responding to.

I don't view my original response as "pushing back", but rather seeking to understand better where some see "the line."  I do see the line in a different place, and don't think an initial suggestion of an alternative to the initial "boundary" that still attempts to meet the underlying concerns as a problem.  
But I also didn't, and wouldn't, accuse a postr of being exhausting or respond the way the PP did.[/quote]

You are displaying textbook pushy behavior. You can’t take no for an answer. Your ‘seeking an alternative’’ is disrespecting and ignoring what you have clearly been told. You didn’t like what you heard so you are going all in to try to change it to get what you want. You never have to walk on eggshells if you actually accept no when it is first delivered.

No one and I really mean no one enjoys a relative like you. I’ll tell you how it goes. They may at first given in to appease you and you’ll think yay I won, I get what want. You’ll keep doing it and they will move from tolerating it to actively avoiding you and minimizing contact. They will view you as an exhausting obligation. If you keep at it, they may even cut contact.

If you want a positive relationship with your adult children and grandchildren, you must respect no as a complete sentence. Do not try to counter whatever reason they give you. Do not pretend not to hear when you are not invited to something. Do not put your wants over their needs. You also need to learn to maturely deal with disappointment. It’s OK to feel disappointed if you aren’t in the center or involved in the birth of your grandchild. It’s hard to accept that part of raising kids is letting them go to form their own lives and families. If you react by trying to manipulate, guilt and weasel your way in then you only push people farther away. If you express your disappointment as petty anger threatening to get back at them or it goes both ways, they will be more than happy when you decline an invite from them. It totally backfires because when an obnoxious pushy person declines something the feeling on the other end is relief not disappointment. [/quote]

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