When you didn’t “do enough” as a host

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:heavy apps makes a GREAT Christmas day meal. It means there is almost certainly something everyone likes- so no one is sitting there eating turkey when they don't like turkey etc. It is timing flexible- so it makes less difference exactly what time guests arrive- if kids nap late or whatever- people aren't 'holding' dinner for you. It means kids can play, and you are not forcing them to sit at a table for a long time. It means the host is just busy in the kitchen in short bursts throughout the day rather than several hours focused in the kitchen fixing a meal. I did this yesterday- it was great. I had a nice platter of fruit, a nice platter of cut up veggies and hummus. Cheese and crackers. Cocktail meatballs in the crockpot in bbq sauce. Thai peanut chicken wraps in cabbage. Shrimp and cocktail sauce. stuffed mushrooms. scallops wrapped in bacon. Deviled eggs. mini hot dogs in crescent rolls (e.g. pigs in a blanket). falafel.
Most of those was homemade- I also had 'backup' apps in the freezer (e.g. trader joe's stuff like mini tacos, frozen crab cakes etc). Which I would have pulled out if the food was going faster than expected.
OP- I'm sorry your sister was a jerk to you. Shake off and ignore- I know that is easier said then done.

This sounds terrible. I also don’t understand the “heavy apps” substitute for an actual meal. It feels more like a 2nd grade bday party. If I knew that I was going to a party like this, I’d most definitely feed the family before arriving so that we wouldn’t be hungry. If I didn’t know, it’d be annoying bc then we’d be hungry and stranded.

I do think this is just cultural though. If I ever hosted with just apps, I’d be mortified and laughed out of the family. In some parts of the US, this is totally the norm. My dad is from the Midwest and on rare occasions that we visit his family we don’t eat bc there’s never food! Or there might be a bowl of something but it’s doused in mayonnaise

I thought the dinner verses appetizer part of this thread was so interesting. At our house, we always make sure to serve plenty of food if the event is at a mealtime, and we communicate the plan to guests on the invitation so they know what to expect (buffet dinner, heavy appetizers, casual bbq, etc). If someone did not wish to eat heavy appetizers, I would expect that they would eat whatever meal is “dinner” to them prior to arrival. I would also expect that they wouldn’t share this information! That being said, I don’t think I have ever seen a guest do anything other than fill their plate and glass at any event we have ever hosted.

What cultures are you referencing when you say some of this is cultural? I’m genuinely just curious at the turn this thread took.

Expecting people to eat dinner before dinner time because you don't want to serve dinner is bizarre. You serve a meal, not appetizers or you host from 2-4 and serve snacks.

+1. It’s just cheap and lazy, and the sign of a terrible host. OP states that the heavy apps were “plenty” of food. But it’s not real food. I can buy 75 bags of Doritos, pretzels, and assorted party mix. That’s “plenty” of food but it’s not a real meal, and you won’t feel good filling up on bags of chips for dinner

OP posted what she served and it was far from pretzels and Doritos.

The issue is that people aren’t all working from the same definition. It’s fine to say you prefer a sit-down or buffet dinner to heavy apps, but it’s pretty clear a lot of these posters don’t even know what heavy appetizers are. 75 bags of Doritos (or even a single bag of Doritos) at a heavy apps party? Wild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:heavy apps makes a GREAT Christmas day meal. It means there is almost certainly something everyone likes- so no one is sitting there eating turkey when they don't like turkey etc. It is timing flexible- so it makes less difference exactly what time guests arrive- if kids nap late or whatever- people aren't 'holding' dinner for you. It means kids can play, and you are not forcing them to sit at a table for a long time. It means the host is just busy in the kitchen in short bursts throughout the day rather than several hours focused in the kitchen fixing a meal. I did this yesterday- it was great. I had a nice platter of fruit, a nice platter of cut up veggies and hummus. Cheese and crackers. Cocktail meatballs in the crockpot in bbq sauce. Thai peanut chicken wraps in cabbage. Shrimp and cocktail sauce. stuffed mushrooms. scallops wrapped in bacon. Deviled eggs. mini hot dogs in crescent rolls (e.g. pigs in a blanket). falafel.
Most of those was homemade- I also had 'backup' apps in the freezer (e.g. trader joe's stuff like mini tacos, frozen crab cakes etc). Which I would have pulled out if the food was going faster than expected.
OP- I'm sorry your sister was a jerk to you. Shake off and ignore- I know that is easier said then done.

This sounds terrible. I also don’t understand the “heavy apps” substitute for an actual meal. It feels more like a 2nd grade bday party. If I knew that I was going to a party like this, I’d most definitely feed the family before arriving so that we wouldn’t be hungry. If I didn’t know, it’d be annoying bc then we’d be hungry and stranded.

I do think this is just cultural though. If I ever hosted with just apps, I’d be mortified and laughed out of the family. In some parts of the US, this is totally the norm. My dad is from the Midwest and on rare occasions that we visit his family we don’t eat bc there’s never food! Or there might be a bowl of something but it’s doused in mayonnaise

I thought the dinner verses appetizer part of this thread was so interesting. At our house, we always make sure to serve plenty of food if the event is at a mealtime, and we communicate the plan to guests on the invitation so they know what to expect (buffet dinner, heavy appetizers, casual bbq, etc). If someone did not wish to eat heavy appetizers, I would expect that they would eat whatever meal is “dinner” to them prior to arrival. I would also expect that they wouldn’t share this information! That being said, I don’t think I have ever seen a guest do anything other than fill their plate and glass at any event we have ever hosted.

What cultures are you referencing when you say some of this is cultural? I’m genuinely just curious at the turn this thread took.

Expecting people to eat dinner before dinner time because you don't want to serve dinner is bizarre. You serve a meal, not appetizers or you host from 2-4 and serve snacks.

Snacks, appetizers, and a meal are all different things. If I hosted from 2-4, I still wouldn’t serve just “snacks.” I would never invite someone over for a snack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:heavy apps makes a GREAT Christmas day meal. It means there is almost certainly something everyone likes- so no one is sitting there eating turkey when they don't like turkey etc. It is timing flexible- so it makes less difference exactly what time guests arrive- if kids nap late or whatever- people aren't 'holding' dinner for you. It means kids can play, and you are not forcing them to sit at a table for a long time. It means the host is just busy in the kitchen in short bursts throughout the day rather than several hours focused in the kitchen fixing a meal. I did this yesterday- it was great. I had a nice platter of fruit, a nice platter of cut up veggies and hummus. Cheese and crackers. Cocktail meatballs in the crockpot in bbq sauce. Thai peanut chicken wraps in cabbage. Shrimp and cocktail sauce. stuffed mushrooms. scallops wrapped in bacon. Deviled eggs. mini hot dogs in crescent rolls (e.g. pigs in a blanket). falafel.
Most of those was homemade- I also had 'backup' apps in the freezer (e.g. trader joe's stuff like mini tacos, frozen crab cakes etc). Which I would have pulled out if the food was going faster than expected.
OP- I'm sorry your sister was a jerk to you. Shake off and ignore- I know that is easier said then done.

This sounds terrible. I also don’t understand the “heavy apps” substitute for an actual meal. It feels more like a 2nd grade bday party. If I knew that I was going to a party like this, I’d most definitely feed the family before arriving so that we wouldn’t be hungry. If I didn’t know, it’d be annoying bc then we’d be hungry and stranded.

I do think this is just cultural though. If I ever hosted with just apps, I’d be mortified and laughed out of the family. In some parts of the US, this is totally the norm. My dad is from the Midwest and on rare occasions that we visit his family we don’t eat bc there’s never food! Or there might be a bowl of something but it’s doused in mayonnaise

I thought the dinner verses appetizer part of this thread was so interesting. At our house, we always make sure to serve plenty of food if the event is at a mealtime, and we communicate the plan to guests on the invitation so they know what to expect (buffet dinner, heavy appetizers, casual bbq, etc). If someone did not wish to eat heavy appetizers, I would expect that they would eat whatever meal is “dinner” to them prior to arrival. I would also expect that they wouldn’t share this information! That being said, I don’t think I have ever seen a guest do anything other than fill their plate and glass at any event we have ever hosted.

What cultures are you referencing when you say some of this is cultural? I’m genuinely just curious at the turn this thread took.

Expecting people to eat dinner before dinner time because you don't want to serve dinner is bizarre. You serve a meal, not appetizers or you host from 2-4 and serve snacks.

Snacks, appetizers, and a meal are all different things. If I hosted from 2-4, I still wouldn’t serve just “snacks.” I would never invite someone over for a snack.

What does that have to do with OP's family? They have done heavy apps before. They do things a bit differently than you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:heavy apps makes a GREAT Christmas day meal. It means there is almost certainly something everyone likes- so no one is sitting there eating turkey when they don't like turkey etc. It is timing flexible- so it makes less difference exactly what time guests arrive- if kids nap late or whatever- people aren't 'holding' dinner for you. It means kids can play, and you are not forcing them to sit at a table for a long time. It means the host is just busy in the kitchen in short bursts throughout the day rather than several hours focused in the kitchen fixing a meal. I did this yesterday- it was great. I had a nice platter of fruit, a nice platter of cut up veggies and hummus. Cheese and crackers. Cocktail meatballs in the crockpot in bbq sauce. Thai peanut chicken wraps in cabbage. Shrimp and cocktail sauce. stuffed mushrooms. scallops wrapped in bacon. Deviled eggs. mini hot dogs in crescent rolls (e.g. pigs in a blanket). falafel.
Most of those was homemade- I also had 'backup' apps in the freezer (e.g. trader joe's stuff like mini tacos, frozen crab cakes etc). Which I would have pulled out if the food was going faster than expected.
OP- I'm sorry your sister was a jerk to you. Shake off and ignore- I know that is easier said then done.

This sounds terrible. I also don’t understand the “heavy apps” substitute for an actual meal. It feels more like a 2nd grade bday party. If I knew that I was going to a party like this, I’d most definitely feed the family before arriving so that we wouldn’t be hungry. If I didn’t know, it’d be annoying bc then we’d be hungry and stranded.

I do think this is just cultural though. If I ever hosted with just apps, I’d be mortified and laughed out of the family. In some parts of the US, this is totally the norm. My dad is from the Midwest and on rare occasions that we visit his family we don’t eat bc there’s never food! Or there might be a bowl of something but it’s doused in mayonnaise

I thought the dinner verses appetizer part of this thread was so interesting. At our house, we always make sure to serve plenty of food if the event is at a mealtime, and we communicate the plan to guests on the invitation so they know what to expect (buffet dinner, heavy appetizers, casual bbq, etc). If someone did not wish to eat heavy appetizers, I would expect that they would eat whatever meal is “dinner” to them prior to arrival. I would also expect that they wouldn’t share this information! That being said, I don’t think I have ever seen a guest do anything other than fill their plate and glass at any event we have ever hosted.

What cultures are you referencing when you say some of this is cultural? I’m genuinely just curious at the turn this thread took.

Expecting people to eat dinner before dinner time because you don't want to serve dinner is bizarre. You serve a meal, not appetizers or you host from 2-4 and serve snacks.

Snacks, appetizers, and a meal are all different things. If I hosted from 2-4, I still wouldn’t serve just “snacks.” I would never invite someone over for a snack.

What does that have to do with OP's family? They have done heavy apps before. They do things a bit differently than you do.

I think OPs traditions are great! I was replying to PP who said you can’t do heavy apps at dinner and that instead you should invite people over from 2-4 for a snack. I was merely pointing out that snacks and heavy apps aren’t the same thing. OP can serve heavy apps in place of a meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Appetizer isn't dinner. I don't get people who do that but just tell her I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it. You can host next time.

Op here. Our family did this last year so I followed suit. Plus there was tons of food. The one who complained about the food was the one who did heavy apps last year

Just serve a meal. How hard is that.

OP is hosting, and she can choose what she serves. Depending on the setup, apps are actually better for allowing socializing and mingling. A dinner can leave yiu captive to the person you end up beside, or often to whichever guest decides to monopolize the conversation.

[Anonymous]

If someone makes a good-faith attempt at hosting, the only polite response is something along the lines of “Thank you for having us.” If a relative wants things her way, she can host. Simple as. Also, I don’t do things for people who complain. Hated the meal? Then I’m not inviting you back to insult me again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone makes a good-faith attempt at hosting, the only polite response is something along the lines of “Thank you for having us.” If a relative wants things her way, she can host. Simple as. Also, I don’t do things for people who complain. Hated the meal? Then I’m not inviting you back to insult me again.

OP here, thank you! It’s not like I put bags of Doritos (!!!) out and called it good. There were hot and cold options, a mix of dips, mini sandwiches, meatballs, taquitos, cheese balls, salad, ham and cheese roll ups, charcuterie and I’m not even sure what else at this point. Not to mention multiple desserts. And drinks for everyone.

Personally, I hate a Turkey dinner. Despise it. But I would never, ever complain about it because I understand the effort that was put into it and someone opened their home to me.

Also, I know the food wasn’t the real issue since our family has done this before (including other people hosting that weren’t me).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone makes a good-faith attempt at hosting, the only polite response is something along the lines of “Thank you for having us.” If a relative wants things her way, she can host. Simple as. Also, I don’t do things for people who complain. Hated the meal? Then I’m not inviting you back to insult me again.

OP here, thank you! It’s not like I put bags of Doritos (!!!) out and called it good. There were hot and cold options, a mix of dips, mini sandwiches, meatballs, taquitos, cheese balls, salad, ham and cheese roll ups, charcuterie and I’m not even sure what else at this point. Not to mention multiple desserts. And drinks for everyone.

Personally, I hate a Turkey dinner. Despise it. But I would never, ever complain about it because I understand the effort that was put into it and someone opened their home to me.

Also, I know the food wasn’t the real issue since our family has done this before (including other people hosting that weren’t me).

It sounds like a dream meal to me, especially if I was bringing my finicky kids. Let them pick what they want and call it a day. No sitting around a stuffy table whining about how they don't want green beans and turkey. Thank you!

I want to know more about your sister. What's her deal? Is she normally like this? I would apologize to her. Over apologize, even. Like, I can't believe I made SUCH a faux pas, how gauche of me. I should have known I would f something up, you're always so much better at this kind of stuff. Then let her feel smug and move on. You already know you went above and beyond so who cares? Let her and her shriveled heart live a small life.

[Anonymous]

Your sister sounds like a real a$$hole. I hope you don’t let this go and instead calmly discuss with her why she was so nasty.

Fwiw, heavy apps is my idea of heaven. It’s a little like the tapas idea, and I love lots of little things instead of one or two big slabs of whatever.

[Anonymous]

What's the real issue between you and your sister? Because it's not about forks and "heavy apps".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone makes a good-faith attempt at hosting, the only polite response is something along the lines of “Thank you for having us.” If a relative wants things her way, she can host. Simple as. Also, I don’t do things for people who complain. Hated the meal? Then I’m not inviting you back to insult me again.

OP here, thank you! It’s not like I put bags of Doritos (!!!) out and called it good. There were hot and cold options, a mix of dips, mini sandwiches, meatballs, taquitos, cheese balls, salad, ham and cheese roll ups, charcuterie and I’m not even sure what else at this point. Not to mention multiple desserts. And drinks for everyone.

Personally, I hate a Turkey dinner. Despise it. But I would never, ever complain about it because I understand the effort that was put into it and someone opened their home to me.

Also, I know the food wasn’t the real issue since our family has done this before (including other people hosting that weren’t me).

I’m just so happy when someone else is cooking that it wouldn’t occur to me to complain! I think people who gather with their friends and family and are judging the hosts for food or forks are just unhappy people. I feel bad for them but I also wouldn’t give them a second thought.

[Anonymous]

Heavy apps is the same thing as tapas. It's a meal.

I don't know why people are so confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Heavy apps is the same thing as tapas. It's a meal.

I don't know why people are so confused.

They've apparently never had dim sum, tapas, small plates, high tea, maze, heavy apps, etc. I guess they don't get out much and think everything has to be a full meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who gave you this feedback? I can't imagine anything more rude than to complain to a host/hostess about any perceived shortcomings. Very strange, and I'm sorry you had to cope with that. Would you be able to have a calm discussion with that person in the future about your efforts and your hurt feelings, or is this typical behavior on the part of family members?

My sister

Sorry hit send too soon. It was not veiled and said directly to my face

oh brother. take that sh-- with grain of salt for sure. They can be so competitive. next!!

I'd tell her to host next time and always.

I would not host her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:heavy apps makes a GREAT Christmas day meal. It means there is almost certainly something everyone likes- so no one is sitting there eating turkey when they don't like turkey etc. It is timing flexible- so it makes less difference exactly what time guests arrive- if kids nap late or whatever- people aren't 'holding' dinner for you. It means kids can play, and you are not forcing them to sit at a table for a long time. It means the host is just busy in the kitchen in short bursts throughout the day rather than several hours focused in the kitchen fixing a meal. I did this yesterday- it was great. I had a nice platter of fruit, a nice platter of cut up veggies and hummus. Cheese and crackers. Cocktail meatballs in the crockpot in bbq sauce. Thai peanut chicken wraps in cabbage. Shrimp and cocktail sauce. stuffed mushrooms. scallops wrapped in bacon. Deviled eggs. mini hot dogs in crescent rolls (e.g. pigs in a blanket). falafel.
Most of those was homemade- I also had 'backup' apps in the freezer (e.g. trader joe's stuff like mini tacos, frozen crab cakes etc). Which I would have pulled out if the food was going faster than expected.
OP- I'm sorry your sister was a jerk to you. Shake off and ignore- I know that is easier said then done.

This sounds terrible. I also don’t understand the “heavy apps” substitute for an actual meal. It feels more like a 2nd grade bday party. If I knew that I was going to a party like this, I’d most definitely feed the family before arriving so that we wouldn’t be hungry. If I didn’t know, it’d be annoying bc then we’d be hungry and stranded.

I do think this is just cultural though. If I ever hosted with just apps, I’d be mortified and laughed out of the family. In some parts of the US, this is totally the norm. My dad is from the Midwest and on rare occasions that we visit his family we don’t eat bc there’s never food! Or there might be a bowl of something but it’s doused in mayonnaise

I thought the dinner verses appetizer part of this thread was so interesting. At our house, we always make sure to serve plenty of food if the event is at a mealtime, and we communicate the plan to guests on the invitation so they know what to expect (buffet dinner, heavy appetizers, casual bbq, etc). If someone did not wish to eat heavy appetizers, I would expect that they would eat whatever meal is “dinner” to them prior to arrival. I would also expect that they wouldn’t share this information! That being said, I don’t think I have ever seen a guest do anything other than fill their plate and glass at any event we have ever hosted.

What cultures are you referencing when you say some of this is cultural? I’m genuinely just curious at the turn this thread took.

Expecting people to eat dinner before dinner time because you don't want to serve dinner is bizarre. You serve a meal, not appetizers or you host from 2-4 and serve snacks.

Snacks, appetizers, and a meal are all different things. If I hosted from 2-4, I still wouldn’t serve just “snacks.” I would never invite someone over for a snack.

I wouldn't either. Even for kid's parties we had full meals for everyone - kids and parents. But, at least do it during an off time.