Toddlers at the Funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the harsh response of many posters. I lost both of my parents when my kids were small. First my dad when DC1 was a few months old, and then my mom when DC2 was just 1 and DC1 still a toddler. Even in my deepest grief I recognized that my kids' needs come first, and that we needed to plan around things with their best interest in mind. So if that means that my spouse would stay behind with them while I had to fly solo to my parent's funeral, so be it. It's not personal; it just comes with the territory when you have small kids.

You likely didn't love your parents.

Wow. Because I could still function and think for my toddler and baby's needs that means I didn't love my parents?

You don't know anything about how I love, but I do know you have a dark, despicable soul.

I’m glad the PP came back bc I was horrified by this comment. You also don’t know anyone’s situation. If a parent died after a degenerative illness you say goodbye slowly, painfully, day by day, and sometimes at the end a feeling of relief comes that their suffering is over. How dare you judge this poster or anyone else in this way.

While I don’t agree with the nastiness of the poster who also horrified you, I think some readers may have read into the PP you are defending as being judgmental -as in if you take time to put a grieving spouse’s needs first, you are neglecting your children. She didn’t come to post without bite, and she was bitten in return tenfold.

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update--I do not understand why so many posters think I am trolling. I assure you, it is not the case. I do support my DH. Told him to get on the plane/booked him the actual flight same day we found out parent was not going to make it past 24 hours. He is on the ground making funeral/memorial service arrangements and supporting his surviving parent. He is the only one from the immediate family that was able to come quickly, as we have flexible schedules for the next two weeks due to omicron. One sibling has medical issues and unable to travel until March and his other sibling is at home with COVID. I also don't understand why politics need to be brought into the picture. We're all are a healthy mixture of Republicans/Democrats/Independents and the whole extended family over the age of 5 is vaccinated/boosted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update--I do not understand why so many posters think I am trolling. I assure you, it is not the case. I do support my DH. Told him to get on the plane/booked him the actual flight same day we found out parent was not going to make it past 24 hours. He is on the ground making funeral/memorial service arrangements and supporting his surviving parent. He is the only one from the immediate family that was able to come quickly, as we have flexible schedules for the next two weeks due to omicron. One sibling has medical issues and unable to travel until March and his other sibling is at home with COVID. I also don't understand why politics need to be brought into the picture. We're all are a healthy mixture of Republicans/Democrats/Independents and the whole extended family over the age of 5 is vaccinated/boosted.

Why did you even come on here for advice? It’s clear you already determined not to go, and you were just fishing for people to back you up. Crowing about how you booked your DH a flight. You told him to get on the plane. So, you and your children being inconvenienced was never actually going to happen. You’re a hero, OP. A real winner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update--I do not understand why so many posters think I am trolling. I assure you, it is not the case. I do support my DH. Told him to get on the plane/booked him the actual flight same day we found out parent was not going to make it past 24 hours. He is on the ground making funeral/memorial service arrangements and supporting his surviving parent. He is the only one from the immediate family that was able to come quickly, as we have flexible schedules for the next two weeks due to omicron. One sibling has medical issues and unable to travel until March and his other sibling is at home with COVID. I also don't understand why politics need to be brought into the picture. We're all are a healthy mixture of Republicans/Democrats/Independents and the whole extended family over the age of 5 is vaccinated/boosted.

This is not at all how you told the story originally. Troll.

[Anonymous]

Can you take the kids and find a sitter out there? Someone in the family should be able to recommend a neighbor or friend of a teen.

[Anonymous]

I took my 3-year-old to a funeral with the following considerations

- She had a relationship with the deceased and understood that her great grandmother had died

- she was able to behave during the funeral

- There was no casket or viewing.

- pre covid so we weren't worried about pandemic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the harsh response of many posters. I lost both of my parents when my kids were small. First my dad when DC1 was a few months old, and then my mom when DC2 was just 1 and DC1 still a toddler. Even in my deepest grief I recognized that my kids' needs come first, and that we needed to plan around things with their best interest in mind. So if that means that my spouse would stay behind with them while I had to fly solo to my parent's funeral, so be it. It's not personal; it just comes with the territory when you have small kids.

You likely didn't love your parents.

Wow. Because I could still function and think for my toddler and baby's needs that means I didn't love my parents?

You don't know anything about how I love, but I do know you have a dark, despicable soul.

I’m glad the PP came back bc I was horrified by this comment. You also don’t know anyone’s situation. If a parent died after a degenerative illness you say goodbye slowly, painfully, day by day, and sometimes at the end a feeling of relief comes that their suffering is over. How dare you judge this poster or anyone else in this way.

While I don’t agree with the nastiness of the poster who also horrified you, I think some readers may have read into the PP you are defending as being judgmental -as in if you take time to put a grieving spouse’s needs first, you are neglecting your children. She didn’t come to post without bite, and she was bitten in return tenfold.

This is quite a leap. There were numerous pp who jumped on the OP accusing her of not supporting her grieving spouse. PP is pointing out a logical perspective.

Anyway, this is one of the nastiest threads I've read on here in a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is grounds for divorce. Suck it up and go. "I'm tired" is not a valid excuse not to go to your MILs funeral.

How incredibly dramatic you are.

OP, don't listen to people like this who want to guilt you into doing what THEY think is best. They will not be there to help you with the toddlers in Wyoming, nor will they be there to help you nurse your unvaccinated, and therefore highly susceptible to infection, toddlers when they come down with omicron.

As a much wiser PP noted: Talk to your DH about how the children just got to see FIL when FIL was alive. That is valuable--more valuable than taking the kids back there for their mere presence.

This is not about DH’s family, this is about DH and his needs. They won’t be flying every week to go to a funeral. This is a one time occurrence that also signifies a seismic shift in DH’s emotional world. Why does OP count more than her husband in this pretty unique life event. His life event.

Cool the hysteria. "Seismic"? "Unique"? The death was expected. The DH's family spent very substantial time visiting FIL before FIL died. They were fortunate to do so, as was the FIL fortunate to see them before he passed away. OP is not saying SHE "counts more" than her DH. She is balancing his grief -- not a seismic, unique thing, but a very common thing, PP -- with the fact she has two children too young to be vaccinated and also young enough to require hands-on attention every waking minute.

The DH would get them all there and then discover he is entirely taken up with paying attention to his mother, siblings, relatives he hasn't seen in a while, etc. etc. Sometimes it is fine, and even salutary, to take up one's role of the adult child and focus on the family of origin without having to "need" your wife and two young children there merely for the sake of their showing up to be counted.

Eh, all the above is for OP, really, not for you, PP, since it sounds as if you would expect your own family to be glued to you for every sad but quite normal life event. This was not a person dying suddenly and tragicallly, to be very blunt. This isn't about reeling people in dire emotional straits after a vast shock, but it's about a command performance.

Have you ever lost a parent? Given the OP has three-year-old twins, I imagine her husband isn't very old. I lost my dad at a young age when my own twins were seven. It was, in fact, a seismic event in my life. I am not the same person now that I was before he died. And it was somewhat expected, at least in the span of a few weeks, which is sounds like is the same here. But NOT expected in the way you expect someone who is 100 to die relatively soon. No matter how you lose someone at a younger age, it is always unexpected. And no, death is obviously not a unique thing, in fact, it's probably the most common human occurrence, but that doesn't make it any less significant and devastating.

[Anonymous]

I’m on team you need to be there. And toddlers at a funeral is perfectly fine, natural, and even right. They are also part of the family. But I also believe in inviting children to weddings which is out of fashion these days as well.

And I know I would not be “rational and understanding “ if my SPOUSE would not attend my parents funeral. I’d seriously doubt the whole marriage, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m on team you need to be there. And toddlers at a funeral is perfectly fine, natural, and even right. They are also part of the family. But I also believe in inviting children to weddings which is out of fashion these days as well.

And I know I would not be “rational and understanding “ if my SPOUSE would not attend my parents funeral. I’d seriously doubt the whole marriage, sorry.

dp Not during Covid times with unvaccinated kids, nope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m on team you need to be there. And toddlers at a funeral is perfectly fine, natural, and even right. They are also part of the family. But I also believe in inviting children to weddings which is out of fashion these days as well.

And I know I would not be “rational and understanding “ if my SPOUSE would not attend my parents funeral. I’d seriously doubt the whole marriage, sorry.

dp Not during Covid times with unvaccinated kids, nope

Yeah except op already traveled with her unvaccinated kids during COVID, times. I guess it's worth the risk when Christmas gifts are involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update--I do not understand why so many posters think I am trolling. I assure you, it is not the case. I do support my DH. Told him to get on the plane/booked him the actual flight same day we found out parent was not going to make it past 24 hours. He is on the ground making funeral/memorial service arrangements and supporting his surviving parent. He is the only one from the immediate family that was able to come quickly, as we have flexible schedules for the next two weeks due to omicron. One sibling has medical issues and unable to travel until March and his other sibling is at home with COVID. I also don't understand why politics need to be brought into the picture. We're all are a healthy mixture of Republicans/Democrats/Independents and the whole extended family over the age of 5 is vaccinated/boosted.

Quit while you're ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update--I do not understand why so many posters think I am trolling. I assure you, it is not the case. I do support my DH. Told him to get on the plane/booked him the actual flight same day we found out parent was not going to make it past 24 hours. He is on the ground making funeral/memorial service arrangements and supporting his surviving parent. He is the only one from the immediate family that was able to come quickly, as we have flexible schedules for the next two weeks due to omicron. One sibling has medical issues and unable to travel until March and his other sibling is at home with COVID. I also don't understand why politics need to be brought into the picture. We're all are a healthy mixture of Republicans/Democrats/Independents and the whole extended family over the age of 5 is vaccinated/boosted.

Quit while you're ahead.

THIS. Every time OP gives more details, she makes herself look worse.

[Anonymous]

My then new 3 year old attended my moms funeral. He has adhd and was always hyper, busy, walked at 8 months, ran up and down paved hills at 9-10 months. He was quiet and eerily still at my mothers funeral and that day. She had dementia and could not speak so it’s not like they had a typical grandmother and child relationship. Just wanted to share this here. Might be off topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ops only options are to have her family stay with the kids or bring them. She cannot get out of this funeral. Not going will be an issue in the marriage

Completely wrong.