I cringe when DH touches me

[Anonymous]

Please be kind, as this is a very difficult post for me to write.

I am (mostly) happily married with two children 3 and under. My issue is that when DH tries to be intimate with me, I cringe. I find his efforts repulsive and his touch doesn't even feel good- it irritates my skin. I have no idea why this is, as we have a happy marriage (aside from this issue, which he knows something is off but neither of us really knows what's going on) and I love him very much. And before anyone suggests it, no, I've never been sexually abused.

I don't know if part of the issue is that we had 2 children within a year of each other. I don't want to write too many details b/c I have friends who read DCUM and we have a unique situation. Basically DC1 was home for 3 months when I got pregnant with DC2. I also was working super crazy hours when I got pregnant (16-17 hours a day) and it took us awhile to come to grips with the pregnancy. Once DC2 was born, I ended up having to exclusively pump and my nipples/boobs were really beaten up. I couldn't even let the shower stream hit them without severe pain for quite some time, and I battled persistent thrush, a vaginal yeast infection, and a lot of pain during sex. For a long time, I didn't let DH mess with my boobs b/c quite frankly, after being hooked up to a pump all day and dealing with two needy small children, I didn't want anyone else pawing at me.

But now it's been awhile and for some reason, I still have no libido. And even when we do mess around, I just want to push him off me. I went to the dr awhile ago about the pain during sex and was given an estrogen vaginal cream. I only used it once b/c the dr said that he thought it was ok to use while pumping for a boy, but to use it sparingly and I decided the risks weren't worth it.

Unlike others on this board, I have no complaints about DH as a husband or father. He pulls more than his weight around the house and with the kids. He is a good man. I feel badly b/c he's mentioned to me that he feels like we're living like roomates sometimes due to the intimacy issue. He doesn't deserve this and I don't want to live like this either. But how can I tell him that his efforts repel me? I can't do that. It would crush him and it's not hin, it's me.

Do I need to get back to my OB or do I need counseling?

[Anonymous]

How do you feel towards him? I ask because I could have written your post (only we only have 2 kids, 2 years apart). My husband's overtures repulse me, too. I love my husband and he's a great husband and father, but I just felt so numb after having my second child. No physical attraction - I felt emotionally drained. The kids took up so much of me there was nothing left for DH.

I ended up going to counseling and was diagnosed with mild depression. It has really helped a lot, and I've actually started to feel normal again. With a sex drive!

[Anonymous]

Two words: Adult weekend.

You + DH + hotel (NO KIDS).

[Anonymous]

OP
1. Counseling ASAP.
2. NEVER tell DH he repels you sexually. He will be devastated and no good will come from it. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Did you have any issues with sexual attraction or drive with your husband before the children? I know that with my ex we didn't have great sex but I thought it was ok until several years into it I reached a place of actually feeling repulsed by him. I thought the problem was with me but I eventually learned that I actually wasn't sexually attracted to him, although we were great friends and I found him attractive.

[Anonymous]

How much of this have you told your husband? He knows that you don't want to be sexually intimate, and he might actually feel better if you talked to him about it, especially because it's related to birth and breastfeeding/pumping. It sounds like a lot of women find sex painful while they are breastfeeding/pumping because the hormones make you dry and tight. Are you still pumping? I would recommend talking to an ob/gyn again as well as getting checked out for mild depression. A good counselor should be able to suggest some problem-solving strategies, as well as talk about any underlying issues (fear of getting pregnant again based on your last experience?).

I wonder if having sex with your husband when you feel repulsed is making it worse because it's not at all pleasurable for you. Can you talk to him about taking sexual intimacy off the table completely (or at least limit it to you getting him off in other ways that don't involve him touching you )for a month or so while you get checked out? You clearly love him, think he's great, and want to get back to being sexually intimate--hearing all of those things shoud soften the blow, which really won't be news to him.

I hope things get better soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much of this have you told your husband? He knows that you don't want to be sexually intimate, and he might actually feel better if you talked to him about it, especially because it's related to birth and breastfeeding/pumping. It sounds like a lot of women find sex painful while they are breastfeeding/pumping because the hormones make you dry and tight. Are you still pumping? I would recommend talking to an ob/gyn again as well as getting checked out for mild depression. A good counselor should be able to suggest some problem-solving strategies, as well as talk about any underlying issues (fear of getting pregnant again based on your last experience?).

I wonder if having sex with your husband when you feel repulsed is making it worse because it's not at all pleasurable for you. Can you talk to him about taking sexual intimacy off the table completely (or at least limit it to you getting him off in other ways that don't involve him touching you )for a month or so while you get checked out? You clearly love him, think he's great, and want to get back to being sexually intimate--hearing all of those things shoud soften the blow, which really won't be news to him.

I hope things get better soon.

To clarify what I posted above, don't tell him that you find him sexually repulsive (obviously), but do tell him that you just can't take sexual intimacy right now and are working on figuring out how to fix that.

[Anonymous]

Agree with what PPs have said. Counseling immediately. Maybe your ob as well.
And, yes, if you love your husband, don't tell him you are repulsed by him sexually, though he obviously knows you are having libido/intimacy problems. (that you want to fix.)
I went through similar problems, and when I even hinted to dh that part of the problem was that sex wasn't satisfying to me, he was really heartbroken. And he is a man who has never suffered from self-confidence. He felt like a failure as a husband, and that only made me feel even worse.

Probably what you are going through--given the demands on you with the kids and your unexpected second pregnancy, hormones, etc--is not that surprising. But that doesn't make it not a big deal to you. A good counselor will help you work through it.
You are absolutely not the first or only one, so try not to feel too alone.
Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for your responses.

We had a pretty good sex life prior to marriage and then it decreased slowly over the years. I actually had a lot more sex with my ex-boyfriend but I think that was b/c I knew the relationship wasn't good and I was subconsciously trying to hold onto it with sex. Anyway, the ex was a lot more selfish of a lover than DH is, so while we had more sex, it wasn't nearly as emotionally or physically satisfying as it was/is with DH.

Just to clarify- I would never tell DH his efforts are off-putting- I meant more, how do I discuss the lack of desire/sex issue without saying something as cruel as that.

Part of the problem, I think, is that he often wants to get intimate later at night. We have very different sleep needs; I need at least 8 (don't get it, but always hope for it) and he could go on 5 or 6 hours a night. So he wants to hang out with me at night and then when we go to bed, I'm exhausted and he wants sex. I've told him before that earlier is better for me, since I'm really tired at night and our kids have sleep issues where we never know if we'll be up later that night.

I've been done with pumping for about 3 or 4 months now and I would've thought things would've been better.

[Anonymous]

Given your latest update I would definitely talk your OB or your physician and describe what's going on to them. This can be an indication of a hormone imbalance (which has other serious implications beyond not wanting to have sex). I'd just tell your DH that for some reason your libido has gone missing, you suspect it's hormonal and that you've made an apt. with your doctor to help you figure this out. He won't be hurt by that he'll be relieved that you are seeking medical attention. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

BJs are your friend. seriously.

[Anonymous]

"I love you so much and I want physical intimacy with you, but my sex drive has all but vanished. I'm heartbroken by it, and I know you must be too. I am going to see a counselor/doctor/whatever so I can figure out what I need to do to work on this. Work with me?"

[Anonymous]

Question: Does it irritate your skin when your children touch you, or only your husband? Does any touch of his repulse you, such as holding hands or a hug, or only more intimate touches? Does the thought of giving him a bj repulse you or only being a recipient of his advances?

It seems like your body got bombarded by so many unpleasant physical sensations after your kids came that it is a conditioned response now to dread intimate touches even when the nursing is over. Also with the painful pumping you were turning your body into a milk producer without the wonderful physical and emotional sensations that come with breast-feeding. And he's not attuned to your sleep needs and concerns.

Yes, seek counseling. There is a name for what you've got... I forget what it's called but it's a very real psychological condition. A friend's husband had it so badly they never even consummated their union after ten years. The right sort of therapist who is knowledgeable about this disorder might be helpful and also might provide guidance about how to communicate your difficulties to your husband.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I dug around and found the name, as well as a related or similar condition. Do a Web search on these: Sexual Aversion Disorder and Hypoactive Sexual Disorder. What you describe could well be one of these disorders. You'll find some useful info, and you'll see that psychotherapy and/or couples therapy is the recommended treatment. All the best to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question: Does it irritate your skin when your children touch you, or only your husband? Does any touch of his repulse you, such as holding hands or a hug, or only more intimate touches? Does the thought of giving him a bj repulse you or only being a recipient of his advances?

It seems like your body got bombarded by so many unpleasant physical sensations after your kids came that it is a conditioned response now to dread intimate touches even when the nursing is over. Also with the painful pumping you were turning your body into a milk producer without the wonderful physical and emotional sensations that come with breast-feeding. And he's not attuned to your sleep needs and concerns.

Yes, seek counseling. There is a name for what you've got... I forget what it's called but it's a very real psychological condition. A friend's husband had it so badly they never even consummated their union after ten years. The right sort of therapist who is knowledgeable about this disorder might be helpful and also might provide guidance about how to communicate your difficulties to your husband.

OP here. No, I don't feel annoyed and my skin isn't irritated when my kids touch me. And most of the time, my husband's touches don't upset me either- I love to hug him and feel him rub my back, even hand on skin. Oral doesn't bother me either. It's hard to explain. I guess sometimes I feel like DH isn't the most skilled lover (though I'd hate to see how I rate in bed), though he's certainly an enthusiastic one, and I don't know if the perceived clumsiness of it annoys me. The more I try to articulate my feelings, the more I think to myself that I'd better get myself to a therapist.

DH, while a wonderful father, can run out of patience with the kids sometimes. He then can snap at times, and I think him doing this makes me lose a little respect for him, which can then translate into bedroom issues for me.