I cringe when DH touches me

[Anonymous]

Its been an year since my baby is born,I love my hysband.Sometime I enjoy having sex with him but for that I need be fully aroused or I would just do it like a Robot but without he touching me.He is wonderful but its just me.In d middle of the night if I realise that he is massaging me with affection or love I just get so irritated as if someone rubbed chalk on the black board.Aah...but I don#t know what to do or how to increase my libido.l

[Anonymous]

I know this is a really old post, but just wanted to say I felt the same as you OP, and found out that 1. DH was gay, and 2. I was suffering from depression. Just throwing it out there. I thought the problem was me the whole time, but turns out his touch was uncomfortable because it wasn't natural to him and I picked up on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is a really old post, but just wanted to say I felt the same as you OP, and found out that 1. DH was gay, and 2. I was suffering from depression. Just throwing it out there. I thought the problem was me the whole time, but turns out his touch was uncomfortable because it wasn't natural to him and I picked up on it.

Pp, I know this is old but this sounds like my dh. Not confident in the way he touches me, very low libido, etc. were there any signs at all he was gay? How did you ultimately find out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is a really old post, but just wanted to say I felt the same as you OP, and found out that 1. DH was gay, and 2. I was suffering from depression. Just throwing it out there. I thought the problem was me the whole time, but turns out his touch was uncomfortable because it wasn't natural to him and I picked up on it.

Pp, I know this is old but this sounds like my dh. Not confident in the way he touches me, very low libido, etc. were there any signs at all he was gay? How did you ultimately find out?

Be a little careful with this analysis, being tentative and reluctant to initiate could result from a toxic mixture of: a) respecting your wife; and b) having her reject you once too often. Maybe a wife goes through a period of hormonal imbalance or other libido killing period (pregnancy + nursing + chasing around toddlers usually). During this time, the guy initiated fairly frequently and in his normal confident way, but hit a stone wall. He gradually internalized the message that his wife did not like having sex with him. Trying not to be disrespectful to her wants and needs, he initiates tentatively because it's her body, and if she doesn't want him sexually, then it's not for him to force the issue. Having been rejected with some consistency, he learns not to initiate very often because rejection is confirmation (at a deep, emotional level if not at the rational level) that his wife doesn't really love him that much and certainly doesn't find him appealing as a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is a really old post, but just wanted to say I felt the same as you OP, and found out that 1. DH was gay, and 2. I was suffering from depression. Just throwing it out there. I thought the problem was me the whole time, but turns out his touch was uncomfortable because it wasn't natural to him and I picked up on it.

Pp, I know this is old but this sounds like my dh. Not confident in the way he touches me, very low libido, etc. were there any signs at all he was gay? How did you ultimately find out?

Be a little careful with this analysis, being tentative and reluctant to initiate could result from a toxic mixture of: a) respecting your wife; and b) having her reject you once too often. Maybe a wife goes through a period of hormonal imbalance or other libido killing period (pregnancy + nursing + chasing around toddlers usually). During this time, the guy initiated fairly frequently and in his normal confident way, but hit a stone wall. He gradually internalized the message that his wife did not like having sex with him. Trying not to be disrespectful to her wants and needs, he initiates tentatively because it's her body, and if she doesn't want him sexually, then it's not for him to force the issue. Having been rejected with some consistency, he learns not to initiate very often because rejection is confirmation (at a deep, emotional level if not at the rational level) that his wife doesn't really love him that much and certainly doesn't find him appealing as a man.

Thanks pp. This is not really our situation. He's been low drive for a long time, since about a year into our relationship. I rarely have ever turned him down. I think it's stress, depression, lack of confidence - who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I googled this issue because I'm feeling the same way "repulsed" by my husband when it comes to sex. We have 3 kids, been together 12 years, he is very attractive and in great physical shape but the relationship now feels like a relative to me because I feel so connected to him like a family member...we made 3 babies together and now we are raising them. So I look at him as a partner for the family purposes and no longer feel like he is my "lover". I love him dearly but have no sexual libido for him. I am drawn sexually to other males so I know the drive still exists....I'm just trying to figure out why it no longer exits towards him.....anyone else feel the same???
I too have never been sexually abused, I have no pain during sex, and I'm not depressed....so now what?
Sincerely: TMI

+ 1 (also same # of kids and years of marriage!)

[Anonymous]

lovers are lovers until they become mothers. Sad but mostly true. Suck it up and act like you like his touch or he will find someone that does!

[Anonymous]

Therapy! For you,and for the both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:lovers are lovers until they become mothers. Sad but mostly true. Suck it up and act like you like his touch or he will find someone that does!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question: Does it irritate your skin when your children touch you, or only your husband? Does any touch of his repulse you, such as holding hands or a hug, or only more intimate touches? Does the thought of giving him a bj repulse you or only being a recipient of his advances?

It seems like your body got bombarded by so many unpleasant physical sensations after your kids came that it is a conditioned response now to dread intimate touches even when the nursing is over. Also with the painful pumping you were turning your body into a milk producer without the wonderful physical and emotional sensations that come with breast-feeding. And he's not attuned to your sleep needs and concerns.

Yes, seek counseling. There is a name for what you've got... I forget what it's called but it's a very real psychological condition. A friend's husband had it so badly they never even consummated their union after ten years. The right sort of therapist who is knowledgeable about this disorder might be helpful and also might provide guidance about how to communicate your difficulties to your husband.

This is a very insightful post. PP are you a guidance counselor or doc.? NP here, just curious. I think that makes a lot of sense about the body getting used to unpleasant sensations.