If you’re a SAHM, how do you value your work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM who doesn’t know any other SAHMs, ask me anything.

Also in a SAHM vacuum in NW. Not a millionaire so wouldn't meet/fit in with any of those ladies who lunch. I stepped out to have a better quality of life both in terms of less stress and freedom to work on the projects I want and not have to be a keyboard jockey.

You are me only I live in NE. I do some freelance work but mostly I take care of my DD and take care of our house. We should hang out!

I feel like my SAHM work has tremendous value. For starters, it's saving us tens of thousands of dollars in childcare and what I offer is MUCH higher quality than anything we found when we were looking for childcare back when I was pregnant. I also believe that the time I spend with my daughter has real value to her, specifically. That doesn't mean a well-qualified nanny couldn't do it, just that I know *for sure* that my DD is getting value from the time we spend together. I take her hiking and for neighborhood walks and we talk about the world and nature and science and philosophy (I mean, at a PK level, we're not doing chemistry). We also go to museums and I've been teaching her to play the guitar (well, a ukulele, but it's a start). Oh and I've been teaching her yoga and ballet, too (I used to teach both). I also just love her -- I love hearing what she has to say and learning what interests her and what she finds amusing. My husband does this too when he is with her, but it's built on a groundwork of what I do with her during the week. I've set a standard and tone for our joint parenting and he can build off of that when he is with her.

I think it would be really hard to find a nanny who takes the job as seriously as I do and works as hard at it. Not impossible, but hard. Luckily, I love doing it so we didn't have to go looking for such a person only to find out that we could never in a million years afford her.

I know my worth.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think the most impt part is the sahm valuing herself. Doesnt matter how anyone else values her. If shes doesnt value herself and how shes spending her time, then thats where the problem lies. Ive been a sahm, I lost myself, lost confidence in my self worth, lost my identity, etc, and just as I started picking up the pieces, Covid hit. Its hard not to get lost in the day to day grind of it all and I wish I had prioritized my own self care as much as I prioritized all the kid stuff.

OP here. I get what you’re saying but the funny thing is, I actually really enjoy just about every aspect of it. I love my day to day. It’s just that I know I could easily hire someone else to do it and that I’m not contributing to society like working people are.

I think we have to be ok with difference. It’s counterproductive to try to pretend everyone is equal when experience tells us we’re not. I know being a SAHM is not as important to society as a loooong list of occupations but I choose it anyway. It’s ok. We don’t have to be the same.

I’m a SAHM too. I don’t think we can easily hire someone to do what I do. Cook, clean, childcare, driving, choosing enriching activities for the kids suited to their abilities and interests... this is at least a housekeeper, nanny, and maybe more.

Working parents do almost everything you mentioned, especially the enriching activity. It’s just part of being a parent.

LOL exactly. Like who do they think does this in households where parents both work? I work. I cook. I clean. I take care of my kids. I drive. I choose activities. I also earn money. And set a good example for my kids.

I’m guessing PP SAHM wrote that because her DH does none of those things, therefore she feels it’s part of the job description for a SAHM. But... no. It’s called being a parent.

Except you don’t do all those things. You cannot be present in two places at once. Someone is doing the childcare part during the day, and that is either the parent or a paid employee.

Other than childcare for that 40 hours a week (25% of the week), working parents do all the same things as houseparents.

Curious if all these SAHM haters pay their daycare or nannies since they don't seem to think it's work?

Your statement is not supported by anything you quoted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM who believes that WOH parents provide more value, generally, for society and that mothers who work outside the home usually set a better example for their daughters. I stay home primarily to pursue my goal of achieving success as a poet -- nothing that anyone would consider useful. I left what many would say was a great government career path, but I was never happy. I derive boundless contentment from the writing and reading of literature every single day. When I do finally break into the literary establishment, and get a good teaching job, I will not give it up for a thousand children. My kids do not need me in the home; my passion for Art does.

If you have a passion and you devote a meaningful amount of time to it, then that is Work and it’s a great example for your children. Same if you have a big garden that you spend a lot of time cultivating, or do a lot of home renovation (with your two hands). Unfortunately, most SAHMs with school-age kids have nothing meaningful in their lives except gym, Target runs, and PTA gossip. They are the pathetic ones.

Maybe you should frame all your DCUM posts so your kids can recognize your contribution to the world. Otherwise, how will they know?

They see me being a kick-ass professional. They know I’ve got more going on than DCUM! Do you?

NP. No, they don't. They don't see you working because you've outsourced them. They're at school and/or you've paid someone else to take care of them. And you're either trolling DCUM while you should be working or while you should be parenting. You don't sound kick ass at anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM who believes that WOH parents provide more value, generally, for society and that mothers who work outside the home usually set a better example for their daughters. I stay home primarily to pursue my goal of achieving success as a poet -- nothing that anyone would consider useful. I left what many would say was a great government career path, but I was never happy. I derive boundless contentment from the writing and reading of literature every single day. When I do finally break into the literary establishment, and get a good teaching job, I will not give it up for a thousand children. My kids do not need me in the home; my passion for Art does.

If you have a passion and you devote a meaningful amount of time to it, then that is Work and it’s a great example for your children. Same if you have a big garden that you spend a lot of time cultivating, or do a lot of home renovation (with your two hands). Unfortunately, most SAHMs with school-age kids have nothing meaningful in their lives except gym, Target runs, and PTA gossip. They are the pathetic ones.

Maybe you should frame all your DCUM posts so your kids can recognize your contribution to the world. Otherwise, how will they know?

They see me being a kick-ass professional. They know I’ve got more going on than DCUM! Do you?

NP. No, they don't. They don't see you working because you've outsourced them. They're at school and/or you've paid someone else to take care of them. And you're either trolling DCUM while you should be working or while you should be parenting. You don't sound kick ass at anything.

Lol... pot calling the kettle black?

Anyway, I bow down to your life accomplishment of getting that 10% Target coupon and racing through the aisles cheering with your children in the shopping cart. We should all be so lucky to have our children witness our greatest accomplishments 😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the children are under age 5/6, I think the work SAHMs do should be heavily valued. Caring for a small child all day every day is a tough job. Nannies and daycare workers are underpaid for it. Someone doing that properly is performing a job of real value. And while I agree that WOHMs do all the same parenting as SAHMs in general, it's just not true that WOHMs do the same amount of childcare for young children. Plus depending on your job, it may not be nearly as draining as caring for, say, a 2 year old all day long. Caring for kids that age actually makes it harder to do all the other stuff (laundry, food prep, housecleaning, etc.) because the childcare piece is non-stop and very physical.

SAHMs of older kids are making a lifestyle choice. I'm not disrespecting it -- maybe I'd make the same one if my DH made a ton of money (though I think it's just not my personality). But if your kids are school age, I think it's harder to argue that you are providing a service of value over what any working parent provides. Of course all parents take care of their homes, oversee their kid's education, supports them socially and emotionally. That's what it is to be a parent no matter what you do for money.

But hats off to anyone who is providing full time care to very young kids. That's hard, and all us working moms on here know it because we you can't tell me that you don't sometimes look forward to going back to work after a long weekend or even a vacation just to get a break for how nonstop it is. Babies and toddlers are WORK.

Are you forgetting the fact that most school aged kids in this area have been home for an entire year now?

And it’s not exactly guaranteed that school will be back to normal in the fall either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM who believes that WOH parents provide more value, generally, for society and that mothers who work outside the home usually set a better example for their daughters. I stay home primarily to pursue my goal of achieving success as a poet -- nothing that anyone would consider useful. I left what many would say was a great government career path, but I was never happy. I derive boundless contentment from the writing and reading of literature every single day. When I do finally break into the literary establishment, and get a good teaching job, I will not give it up for a thousand children. My kids do not need me in the home; my passion for Art does.

If you have a passion and you devote a meaningful amount of time to it, then that is Work and it’s a great example for your children. Same if you have a big garden that you spend a lot of time cultivating, or do a lot of home renovation (with your two hands). Unfortunately, most SAHMs with school-age kids have nothing meaningful in their lives except gym, Target runs, and PTA gossip. They are the pathetic ones.

Maybe you should frame all your DCUM posts so your kids can recognize your contribution to the world. Otherwise, how will they know?

They see me being a kick-ass professional. They know I’ve got more going on than DCUM! Do you?

NP. No, they don't. They don't see you working because you've outsourced them. They're at school and/or you've paid someone else to take care of them. And you're either trolling DCUM while you should be working or while you should be parenting. You don't sound kick ass at anything.

Lol... pot calling the kettle black?

Anyway, I bow down to your life accomplishment of getting that 10% Target coupon and racing through the aisles cheering with your children in the shopping cart. We should all be so lucky to have our children witness our greatest accomplishments 😂

Thanks. I'm not even a parent yet and I don't know what I'll do when that time comes. But it's clear that you're jealous of SAHMs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM who believes that WOH parents provide more value, generally, for society and that mothers who work outside the home usually set a better example for their daughters. I stay home primarily to pursue my goal of achieving success as a poet -- nothing that anyone would consider useful. I left what many would say was a great government career path, but I was never happy. I derive boundless contentment from the writing and reading of literature every single day. When I do finally break into the literary establishment, and get a good teaching job, I will not give it up for a thousand children. My kids do not need me in the home; my passion for Art does.

If you have a passion and you devote a meaningful amount of time to it, then that is Work and it’s a great example for your children. Same if you have a big garden that you spend a lot of time cultivating, or do a lot of home renovation (with your two hands). Unfortunately, most SAHMs with school-age kids have nothing meaningful in their lives except gym, Target runs, and PTA gossip. They are the pathetic ones.

Maybe you should frame all your DCUM posts so your kids can recognize your contribution to the world. Otherwise, how will they know?

They see me being a kick-ass professional. They know I’ve got more going on than DCUM! Do you?

NP. No, they don't. They don't see you working because you've outsourced them. They're at school and/or you've paid someone else to take care of them. And you're either trolling DCUM while you should be working or while you should be parenting. You don't sound kick ass at anything.

Lol... pot calling the kettle black?

Anyway, I bow down to your life accomplishment of getting that 10% Target coupon and racing through the aisles cheering with your children in the shopping cart. We should all be so lucky to have our children witness our greatest accomplishments 😂

Your greatest accomplishment is your internalized misogyny. Keep on mocking women for grocery shopping, pp. We know you're dying inside because your husband doesn't do shit at home and you're close to getting fired.

[Anonymous]

My MIL was a SAHM and she is a terrible example. Bad cook, messy house, jacked up kids (except for DH). Honestly not very bright or high IQ. She would have been a bad employee too.

[Anonymous]

The nanny for my 2 and 3 year old is fantastic. She plays with them in a very engaged way, cooks us dinner, runs errands, cleans up our breakfast dishes and tidies up throughout the day, handles the general school communications (pajama day, our turn to bring snacks), will bring them to appointments, classes, or whatever else is needed. Basically whatever I'd do if I stayed home but better in many ways because she's better rested and knows she gets to have evenings and weekends so its not such an endless grind (she doesn't take a break during their rest time even though she of course could, she has depths of patience with the kids etc).

All in (our employer taxes, her taxes, her wages, bonuses etc) she costs us about $75k a year for 50 hours a week.

[Anonymous]

Lol... pot calling the kettle black?

Anyway, I bow down to your life accomplishment of getting that 10% Target coupon and racing through the aisles cheering with your children in the shopping cart. We should all be so lucky to have our children witness our greatest accomplishments 😂

Your greatest accomplishment is your internalized misogyny. Keep on mocking women for grocery shopping, pp. We know you're dying inside because your husband doesn't do shit at home and you're close to getting fired.

+1. This is a really sad way of looking at other women and it definitely doesn’t make you look better by comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol... pot calling the kettle black?

Anyway, I bow down to your life accomplishment of getting that 10% Target coupon and racing through the aisles cheering with your children in the shopping cart. We should all be so lucky to have our children witness our greatest accomplishments 😂

Your greatest accomplishment is your internalized misogyny. Keep on mocking women for grocery shopping, pp. We know you're dying inside because your husband doesn't do shit at home and you're close to getting fired.

+1. This is a really sad way of looking at other women and it definitely doesn’t make you look better by comparison.

Nope. I do grocery shopping too. It’s not my greatest accomplishment though My kids are obviously, but even other than that, I do actual stuff not watch soap operas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Nope. I do grocery shopping too. It’s not my greatest accomplishment though My kids are obviously, but even other than that, I do actual stuff not watch soap operas.

Don’t worry, PP. All these Target-shopping losers are just jealous of you and how kick-ass and incredibly self-assured you are. I mean, clearly you’re explaining to them how much better you are than then for THEIR benefit, not yours! You’re not the type who needs a pat on the head and an “great job!” to know how wonderful you are!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM who doesn’t know any other SAHMs, ask me anything.

Also in a SAHM vacuum in NW. Not a millionaire so wouldn't meet/fit in with any of those ladies who lunch. I stepped out to have a better quality of life both in terms of less stress and freedom to work on the projects I want and not have to be a keyboard jockey.

You are me only I live in NE. I do some freelance work but mostly I take care of my DD and take care of our house. We should hang out!

I feel like my SAHM work has tremendous value. For starters, it's saving us tens of thousands of dollars in childcare and what I offer is MUCH higher quality than anything we found when we were looking for childcare back when I was pregnant. I also believe that the time I spend with my daughter has real value to her, specifically. That doesn't mean a well-qualified nanny couldn't do it, just that I know *for sure* that my DD is getting value from the time we spend together. I take her hiking and for neighborhood walks and we talk about the world and nature and science and philosophy (I mean, at a PK level, we're not doing chemistry). We also go to museums and I've been teaching her to play the guitar (well, a ukulele, but it's a start). Oh and I've been teaching her yoga and ballet, too (I used to teach both). I also just love her -- I love hearing what she has to say and learning what interests her and what she finds amusing. My husband does this too when he is with her, but it's built on a groundwork of what I do with her during the week. I've set a standard and tone for our joint parenting and he can build off of that when he is with her.

I think it would be really hard to find a nanny who takes the job as seriously as I do and works as hard at it. Not impossible, but hard. Luckily, I love doing it so we didn't have to go looking for such a person only to find out that we could never in a million years afford her.

I know my worth.

This. All these people act like no one should enjoy their life. They treat children like commodities to be managed. The journey is the whole point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that other than the 40 hours a week, we do the same things. But in practice, as a SAHM I’m doing way more of the childcare and housework outside of those 40 hours than my spouse. This is true for a lot of working moms too, I know. And I’m actually fine with it/it’s what we decided when we decided I’d stay home and it makes a lot of sense (because I’m breastfeeding, etc).

I’m definitely worried that even though we have talked about it, that will stay true after I go back to work - that because I stayed home in the beginning, I will stay the default parent and house person forever. I know that could have happened anyway.

That sucks for you. I'd be incredibly unhappy with a spouse who didn't pull half his weight around the house and with the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the most impt part is the sahm valuing herself. Doesnt matter how anyone else values her. If shes doesnt value herself and how shes spending her time, then thats where the problem lies. Ive been a sahm, I lost myself, lost confidence in my self worth, lost my identity, etc, and just as I started picking up the pieces, Covid hit. Its hard not to get lost in the day to day grind of it all and I wish I had prioritized my own self care as much as I prioritized all the kid stuff.

OP here. I get what you’re saying but the funny thing is, I actually really enjoy just about every aspect of it. I love my day to day. It’s just that I know I could easily hire someone else to do it and that I’m not contributing to society like working people are.

I think we have to be ok with difference. It’s counterproductive to try to pretend everyone is equal when experience tells us we’re not. I know being a SAHM is not as important to society as a loooong list of occupations but I choose it anyway. It’s ok. We don’t have to be the same.

I’m a SAHM too. I don’t think we can easily hire someone to do what I do. Cook, clean, childcare, driving, choosing enriching activities for the kids suited to their abilities and interests... this is at least a housekeeper, nanny, and maybe more.

Working parents do almost everything you mentioned, especially the enriching activity. It’s just part of being a parent.

LOL exactly. Like who do they think does this in households where parents both work? I work. I cook. I clean. I take care of my kids. I drive. I choose activities. I also earn money. And set a good example for my kids.

I’m guessing PP SAHM wrote that because her DH does none of those things, therefore she feels it’s part of the job description for a SAHM. But... no. It’s called being a parent.

Except you don’t do all those things. You cannot be present in two places at once. Someone is doing the childcare part during the day, and that is either the parent or a paid employee.

Other than childcare for that 40 hours a week (25% of the week), working parents do all the same things as houseparents.

Curious if all these SAHM haters pay their daycare or nannies since they don't seem to think it's work?

CAN YOU READ? I don't understand why you are so hell bent on misrepresenting what people are saying. Many posters have acknowledged that childcare is work. The issue is with posters listing things beyond the hours of childcare per week that SAHMs provide and acting like WOHMs don't do those same things.