If you’re a SAHM, how do you value your work?

[Anonymous]

This came up in one of the threads, that we (as a society) should start to value unpaid caretaking as much as we do outside work, with the assumption that SAHMs are already doing this.

I don’t equate my worth with outside work at all. I know it’s not as valuable. I do it because someone has to, and, since I’d like to do it, why shouldn’t that someone be me? That’s it, that’s the sum total of my reasoning. I know I’m not as important as a doctor or scientist or lawyer, etc. and it would never occur to me to try to make that claim.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you think unpaid caretaking should be valued more? Will it ever be? I don’t see it.

[Anonymous]

I think the most impt part is the sahm valuing herself. Doesnt matter how anyone else values her. If shes doesnt value herself and how shes spending her time, then thats where the problem lies. Ive been a sahm, I lost myself, lost confidence in my self worth, lost my identity, etc, and just as I started picking up the pieces, Covid hit. Its hard not to get lost in the day to day grind of it all and I wish I had prioritized my own self care as much as I prioritized all the kid stuff.

[Anonymous]

Why would you say taking care of children is not as important as a doctor, scientist or lawyer?

I think the problem we have as a society is not valuing childcare and education of children as much as we should..no matter who is doing it! This is not just about SAHMs but also childcare workers of every kind. And teachers. We treat these things as low-skill, unimportant "women's work" and they are not. I would argue they are some of the most important "jobs" in the world.

--a scientist (which I point out only because it is one of the supposedly noble professions you mentioned)

[Anonymous]

I don’t do it for anyone else, and have never really thought about my “worth”. I never even thought that I’d wasted my college degree until I read it on here. I do it because it’s what’s best for our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the most impt part is the sahm valuing herself. Doesnt matter how anyone else values her. If shes doesnt value herself and how shes spending her time, then thats where the problem lies. Ive been a sahm, I lost myself, lost confidence in my self worth, lost my identity, etc, and just as I started picking up the pieces, Covid hit. Its hard not to get lost in the day to day grind of it all and I wish I had prioritized my own self care as much as I prioritized all the kid stuff.

OP here. I get what you’re saying but the funny thing is, I actually really enjoy just about every aspect of it. I love my day to day. It’s just that I know I could easily hire someone else to do it and that I’m not contributing to society like working people are.

I think we have to be ok with difference. It’s counterproductive to try to pretend everyone is equal when experience tells us we’re not. I know being a SAHM is not as important to society as a loooong list of occupations but I choose it anyway. It’s ok. We don’t have to be the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t do it for anyone else, and have never really thought about my “worth”. I never even thought that I’d wasted my college degree until I read it on here. I do it because it’s what’s best for our family.

There’s a post n the thread OP is referring to in which a poster says her decluttering of the living room is just as valuable as her husband arguing a case in court. I cringed.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think what you are doing is incredibly valuable. Just as much, if not more than, many who work outside the home. You are raising the next generation and I believe that a generation can make or break this planet. If it helps you can approach each day as a work day. Plan it out like you would at the office. Put your utmost into every aspect of it. Most of all, enjoy the heck out of it! It's a gift to be able to raise your kids, to help mold them, to teach them interpersonal skills that will give them the best shot at a happy life. It's a great job and I can't even measure the value--it's immeasurable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the most impt part is the sahm valuing herself. Doesnt matter how anyone else values her. If shes doesnt value herself and how shes spending her time, then thats where the problem lies. Ive been a sahm, I lost myself, lost confidence in my self worth, lost my identity, etc, and just as I started picking up the pieces, Covid hit. Its hard not to get lost in the day to day grind of it all and I wish I had prioritized my own self care as much as I prioritized all the kid stuff.

OP here. I get what you’re saying but the funny thing is, I actually really enjoy just about every aspect of it. I love my day to day. It’s just that I know I could easily hire someone else to do it and that I’m not contributing to society like working people are.

I think we have to be ok with difference. It’s counterproductive to try to pretend everyone is equal when experience tells us we’re not. I know being a SAHM is not as important to society as a loooong list of occupations but I choose it anyway. It’s ok. We don’t have to be the same.

Why would you say it is not contributing to society? There are lots of paid jobs that I would argue contribute less to society!

How old are your kids? Once they are school aged, maybe you could volunteer in something that interests you? Not because you need to for your worth, but because you might like to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think what you are doing is incredibly valuable. Just as much, if not more than, many who work outside the home. You are raising the next generation and I believe that a generation can make or break this planet. If it helps you can approach each day as a work day. Plan it out like you would at the office. Put your utmost into every aspect of it. Most of all, enjoy the heck out of it! It's a gift to be able to raise your kids, to help mold them, to teach them interpersonal skills that will give them the best shot at a happy life. It's a great job and I can't even measure the value--it's immeasurable.

NP. And working moms aren’t raising the next generation? I think that’s the OP’s point. She knows she is contributing less and is fine with it. She’s telling the cringey SAHMs to stop deluding themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think what you are doing is incredibly valuable. Just as much, if not more than, many who work outside the home. You are raising the next generation and I believe that a generation can make or break this planet. If it helps you can approach each day as a work day. Plan it out like you would at the office. Put your utmost into every aspect of it. Most of all, enjoy the heck out of it! It's a gift to be able to raise your kids, to help mold them, to teach them interpersonal skills that will give them the best shot at a happy life. It's a great job and I can't even measure the value--it's immeasurable.

NP. And working moms aren’t raising the next generation? I think that’s the OP’s point. She knows she is contributing less and is fine with it. She’s telling the cringey SAHMs to stop deluding themselves.

Wow, that wasn't what I got at all. I don't think SAHMs are doing more or less than working moms. I thought she was a SAHM that was struggling to define her worth. I don't see it as a competition. FTR, I've been on both sides of this fence. I still don't see it as a competition and never will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you say taking care of children is not as important as a doctor, scientist or lawyer?

I think the problem we have as a society is not valuing childcare and education of children as much as we should..no matter who is doing it! This is not just about SAHMs but also childcare workers of every kind. And teachers. We treat these things as low-skill, unimportant "women's work" and they are not. I would argue they are some of the most important "jobs" in the world.

--a scientist (which I point out only because it is one of the supposedly noble professions you mentioned)

+2 from a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think what you are doing is incredibly valuable. Just as much, if not more than, many who work outside the home. You are raising the next generation and I believe that a generation can make or break this planet. If it helps you can approach each day as a work day. Plan it out like you would at the office. Put your utmost into every aspect of it. Most of all, enjoy the heck out of it! It's a gift to be able to raise your kids, to help mold them, to teach them interpersonal skills that will give them the best shot at a happy life. It's a great job and I can't even measure the value--it's immeasurable.

NP. And working moms aren’t raising the next generation? I think that’s the OP’s point. She knows she is contributing less and is fine with it. She’s telling the cringey SAHMs to stop deluding themselves.

Wow, that wasn't what I got at all. I don't think SAHMs are doing more or less than working moms. I thought she was a SAHM that was struggling to define her worth. I don't see it as a competition. FTR, I've been on both sides of this fence. I still don't see it as a competition and never will.

+1 from another mom who has been on both sides. It's a really complex issue and the only thing I find cringey is this desire to establish one picture of motherhood as the "right" one, superior to all other options. It's also not an either/or for a lot of women. I'm a working mom, but I believe in supporting and valuing SAHMs in part because I was one for a while and often didn't feel like I got much respect even though I was working my butt off. I don't understand this idea that you have to choose a camp and then fight for your side -- I really do think we'd all be better off if we united.

[Anonymous]

How do you value a good nanny’s work? And a great housekeeper? And a home manager? And a personal chef? That’s the roughly job of a SAHP - man or woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you say taking care of children is not as important as a doctor, scientist or lawyer?

I think the problem we have as a society is not valuing childcare and education of children as much as we should..no matter who is doing it! This is not just about SAHMs but also childcare workers of every kind. And teachers. We treat these things as low-skill, unimportant "women's work" and they are not. I would argue they are some of the most important "jobs" in the world.

--a scientist (which I point out only because it is one of the supposedly noble professions you mentioned)

+2 from a lawyer.

I am one of those careers. I would just say that the reason they are considered professions is because of the education and institutional oversight that goes into this kind of work. You need to be constantly evaluated and your work is held to ethical standards.

With parenting, I think that valuing it appropriately would involve some kind of framework where caregivers take a range of parenting classes, learn about early childhood education, and are held to standards in the day to day practice. Obviously that would be complicated for all sorts of reasons but I think it would raise morale and make people understand the social value of what they do. Early childhood educators are already held to these standards and we as a society should invest more resources in credentialing and oversight if we want higher quality work and more talent attracted to those sectors. Right now the sector is full of transient workers because the standards are fairly easy to meet, and with nannies (for instance) almost any one can hang out a shingle. That isn’t the case in other countries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you value a good nanny’s work? And a great housekeeper? And a home manager? And a personal chef? That’s the roughly job of a SAHP - man or woman.

I respectfully disagree. A personal chef doesn't mold a child's mental health. I think I need to excuse myself from this discussion before I get snarky...