I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, yes, they do need to learn to cross the road.

They also need to learn how to use phones/internet etc responsibly.

Your kids and PP kids will both learn both things- you just disagree about a few years.

Relax, man. So uptight. It’s a slight difference between 11 and 14- or whatever

Wow. You are not very bright if you see a slight difference between an 11 year old and a 14 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the parents stressing about their kids' social lives, agonizing about why they haven't been invited to this or that, writing tirades against the other parents for being "mean girls" and "social climbers" and assuming they are deliberately leaving your special snowflake out for Machiavellian reasons etc. etc. It utterly amazes me.

Have you ever thought that maybe the other kids just don't like your kid all that much and it's that simple? If you're on the periphery of a social group as it is, it's going to be "out of sight, out of mind" when you're not there. The simplest, kindest explanation is that the other kids are just not thinking to invite yours and you have to accept that.

Do you not remember what it's like to be this age? Friendships and their intensity change quickly at this age. I remember going through it myself and it would have been 1000% worse if I knew my mom was ruminating about it in her spare time instead of being benignly ignorant, as most tweens and teens hope for their parents to be about their social lives.

I know the parents writing these posts are going to say "well my kid doesn't know I am so stressed and worried about this" but I guarantee, if you are writing screeds about it on an anonymous message board, the emotion is apparent in your every day actions as well.

You sound like a real b!&@h.

Pretty sure if we knew your whole story we could come up with something to be super judgemental about with you. Not saying you don't have a valid point of view is SOME cases, but you sound a little too overinvested in why other parents may be overinvested. Your empathy is overwhelming

She doesn’t sound like a b!tch at all. She sounds pretty rational. And I think she’s right.

DP, no she does sound very mean. While the idea that too much interference by parents is not a good idea is something most PPs probably agree on, the OP's way of expressing herself suggests she and her kids are the mean types. The kind of person who rationalizes their own meanness as justified, because the person they bully/are mean to are "weird" or "not likeable".

Whatever OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just hopped on here to thank you and your kids for being kind to my kid. That is all.

The thing is that many of us don’t consider hanging out with this or that group to be mean if your kid isn’t always included. That is all.

It doesn't, correct. But, as the other Halloween thread shows, it is "mean" to judge another kid/parent who tries to be included sometimes. YOUR kid will survive one evening on a non-formal event like Halloween if they include someone on their "in" list for the night. There seems to be an awful lot of bending backwards on here to justify shitty behavior. It's pretty despicable, actually.

That’s interesting. I see the opposite. There seems to be a lot of name calling if everyone doesn’t include everyone. No one should have to justify hanging out with whoever they want. No one in any of these stories is excluding just one person purposely. If they were, that would be despicable.

Well good for you. I'm raising a nice kid. But you do you.

Since you clearly need to feel that your parenting is superior to everyone else’s, then go ahead. But you’re just fooling yourself.

DP. Everyone feels that their own parenting is superior to other options they see, that is why they do it that way. Your comment is meaningless and a silly attempt at one-upmanship.

Not really. She didn’t need to infer that I’m not raising a nice kid. That’s just being an a$$hole.

Then just say that. Say, you are being a jerk in inferring that I am not raising a nice kid. You probably are raising a nice kid (I did not find anything objectionable about your PP she was referring to).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, yes, they do need to learn to cross the road.

They also need to learn how to use phones/internet etc responsibly.

Your kids and PP kids will both learn both things- you just disagree about a few years.

Relax, man. So uptight. It’s a slight difference between 11 and 14- or whatever

Wow. You are not very bright if you see a slight difference between an 11 year old and a 14 year old.

Well, to be honest, there are many 11-year-olds out there who have adopted the less positive qualities of 14-year-olds, aided and abetted by their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To summarize all the posts:

parents of kids who are left out feel:

-kids who don’t always include all other friends are mean and their parents are also mean;

- it is okay for a left out kid to ask to join an already planned get together


u]parents of kids who are not left out feel: [/u]

- kids can elect who to invite somewhere when their family or kid is planning the event and this isn’t mean or exclusionary but more a preference who to hang out with

- by the 6th grade + timeframe, kids largely plan their social activities and parents don’t need to micromanage.

That’s it in a nutshell.

Thank you for saving me 9 pages of reading. Got lucky when I jumped to9 and saw this summary.

Carry on.

No, there aren't two groups of kids. ALL kids feel left out at one point or another in their lives. Parents however handle this in different ways and that's what the issue is - whether to gripe and declare others and their parents "mean," or empower your children by encouraging them to branch out, form new connections, host events themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just hopped on here to thank you and your kids for being kind to my kid. That is all.

The thing is that many of us don’t consider hanging out with this or that group to be mean if your kid isn’t always included. That is all.

If his/her kid is part of a package deal, IT IS mean! This is usually the case.

No, by the tween/teen age, it is not usually the case that kids come in a "package deal." This is the age when kids start to form closer friendship groups as their interests and personalities develop. Friends grow apart, new friendships bloom.

“Package deals” exist from birth to death. They change, but are always part of social life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the parents stressing about their kids' social lives, agonizing about why they haven't been invited to this or that, writing tirades against the other parents for being "mean girls" and "social climbers" and assuming they are deliberately leaving your special snowflake out for Machiavellian reasons etc. etc. It utterly amazes me.

Have you ever thought that maybe the other kids just don't like your kid all that much and it's that simple? If you're on the periphery of a social group as it is, it's going to be "out of sight, out of mind" when you're not there. The simplest, kindest explanation is that the other kids are just not thinking to invite yours and you have to accept that.

Do you not remember what it's like to be this age? Friendships and their intensity change quickly at this age. I remember going through it myself and it would have been 1000% worse if I knew my mom was ruminating about it in her spare time instead of being benignly ignorant, as most tweens and teens hope for their parents to be about their social lives.

I know the parents writing these posts are going to say "well my kid doesn't know I am so stressed and worried about this" but I guarantee, if you are writing screeds about it on an anonymous message board, the emotion is apparent in your every day actions as well.

You sound like a real b!&@h.

Pretty sure if we knew your whole story we could come up with something to be super judgemental about with you. Not saying you don't have a valid point of view is SOME cases, but you sound a little too overinvested in why other parents may be overinvested. Your empathy is overwhelming

She doesn’t sound like a b!tch at all. She sounds pretty rational. And I think she’s right.

DP, no she does sound very mean. While the idea that too much interference by parents is not a good idea is something most PPs probably agree on, the OP's way of expressing herself suggests she and her kids are the mean types. The kind of person who rationalizes their own meanness as justified, because the person they bully/are mean to are "weird" or "not likeable".

Whatever OP.

DP and I don't think it sounds very mean at all! And she didn't use the phrases "weird" or "not likeable". It's NOT mean to suggest that the other kids may not like yours and "it's that simple". It's a fact. Not everyone in life is going to like you. It's true for everyone, everywhere. Learn that now, and learn to deal with it. Be you, be unique, and acknowledge you might not be everyone's flavor and that's alright.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just hopped on here to thank you and your kids for being kind to my kid. That is all.

The thing is that many of us don’t consider hanging out with this or that group to be mean if your kid isn’t always included. That is all.

If his/her kid is part of a package deal, IT IS mean! This is usually the case.

No, by the tween/teen age, it is not usually the case that kids come in a "package deal." This is the age when kids start to form closer friendship groups as their interests and personalities develop. Friends grow apart, new friendships bloom.

“Package deals” exist from birth to death. They change, but are always part of social life.

Honestly have no idea what you are saying. The only package deals are between parents and their children.

No other children are tied to yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To summarize all the posts:

parents of kids who are left out feel:

-kids who don’t always include all other friends are mean and their parents are also mean;

- it is okay for a left out kid to ask to join an already planned get together


u]parents of kids who are not left out feel: [/u]

- kids can elect who to invite somewhere when their family or kid is planning the event and this isn’t mean or exclusionary but more a preference who to hang out with

- by the 6th grade + timeframe, kids largely plan their social activities and parents don’t need to micromanage.

That’s it in a nutshell.

Thank you for saving me 9 pages of reading. Got lucky when I jumped to9 and saw this summary.

Carry on.

No, there aren't two groups of kids. ALL kids feel left out at one point or another in their lives. Parents however handle this in different ways and that's what the issue is - whether to gripe and declare others and their parents "mean," or empower your children by encouraging them to branch out, form new connections, host events themselves.

Agree with you about the kids, but it's true of parents also. There aren't two types of parents either. Sometimes the kids and other parents ARE mean, sometimes they aren't being purposefully mean. In some situations, adult involvement is warranted, in many it is unnecessary, outside of your support of your own DC. You should always empower your children by encouraging them to branch out, form new connections, host events themselves, whether other kids / parents are being mean or not.

Once again, we have a thread where people are trying to generalize too much. Navigating the social world is hard for everyone. Try to be kind, do unto others. Try to understand the world doesn't revolve around you, and most people are caught up in their own heads/lives and aren't making some statement of how they feel about you as they go about their day. Isn't this what we want all pre-teens/teens to realize?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the parents stressing about their kids' social lives, agonizing about why they haven't been invited to this or that, writing tirades against the other parents for being "mean girls" and "social climbers" and assuming they are deliberately leaving your special snowflake out for Machiavellian reasons etc. etc. It utterly amazes me.

Have you ever thought that maybe the other kids just don't like your kid all that much and it's that simple? If you're on the periphery of a social group as it is, it's going to be "out of sight, out of mind" when you're not there. The simplest, kindest explanation is that the other kids are just not thinking to invite yours and you have to accept that.

Do you not remember what it's like to be this age? Friendships and their intensity change quickly at this age. I remember going through it myself and it would have been 1000% worse if I knew my mom was ruminating about it in her spare time instead of being benignly ignorant, as most tweens and teens hope for their parents to be about their social lives.

I know the parents writing these posts are going to say "well my kid doesn't know I am so stressed and worried about this" but I guarantee, if you are writing screeds about it on an anonymous message board, the emotion is apparent in your every day actions as well.

You sound like a real b!&@h.

Pretty sure if we knew your whole story we could come up with something to be super judgemental about with you. Not saying you don't have a valid point of view is SOME cases, but you sound a little too overinvested in why other parents may be overinvested. Your empathy is overwhelming

She doesn’t sound like a b!tch at all. She sounds pretty rational. And I think she’s right.

DP, no she does sound very mean. While the idea that too much interference by parents is not a good idea is something most PPs probably agree on, the OP's way of expressing herself suggests she and her kids are the mean types. The kind of person who rationalizes their own meanness as justified, because the person they bully/are mean to are "weird" or "not likeable".

Whatever OP.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

should say generalize too much about specific situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the parents stressing about their kids' social lives, agonizing about why they haven't been invited to this or that, writing tirades against the other parents for being "mean girls" and "social climbers" and assuming they are deliberately leaving your special snowflake out for Machiavellian reasons etc. etc. It utterly amazes me.

Have you ever thought that maybe the other kids just don't like your kid all that much and it's that simple? If you're on the periphery of a social group as it is, it's going to be "out of sight, out of mind" when you're not there. The simplest, kindest explanation is that the other kids are just not thinking to invite yours and you have to accept that.

Do you not remember what it's like to be this age? Friendships and their intensity change quickly at this age. I remember going through it myself and it would have been 1000% worse if I knew my mom was ruminating about it in her spare time instead of being benignly ignorant, as most tweens and teens hope for their parents to be about their social lives.

I know the parents writing these posts are going to say "well my kid doesn't know I am so stressed and worried about this" but I guarantee, if you are writing screeds about it on an anonymous message board, the emotion is apparent in your every day actions as well.

You sound like a real b!&@h.

Pretty sure if we knew your whole story we could come up with something to be super judgemental about with you. Not saying you don't have a valid point of view is SOME cases, but you sound a little too overinvested in why other parents may be overinvested. Your empathy is overwhelming

She doesn’t sound like a b!tch at all. She sounds pretty rational. And I think she’s right.

DP, no she does sound very mean. While the idea that too much interference by parents is not a good idea is something most PPs probably agree on, the OP's way of expressing herself suggests she and her kids are the mean types. The kind of person who rationalizes their own meanness as justified, because the person they bully/are mean to are "weird" or "not likeable".

Whatever OP.

Agreed.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To summarize all the posts:

parents of kids who are left out feel:

-kids who don’t always include all other friends are mean and their parents are also mean;

- it is okay for a left out kid to ask to join an already planned get together


u]parents of kids who are not left out feel: [/u]

- kids can elect who to invite somewhere when their family or kid is planning the event and this isn’t mean or exclusionary but more a preference who to hang out with

- by the 6th grade + timeframe, kids largely plan their social activities and parents don’t need to micromanage.

That’s it in a nutshell.

Thank you for saving me 9 pages of reading. Got lucky when I jumped to9 and saw this summary.

Carry on.

No, there aren't two groups of kids. ALL kids feel left out at one point or another in their lives. Parents however handle this in different ways and that's what the issue is - whether to gripe and declare others and their parents "mean," or empower your children by encouraging them to branch out, form new connections, host events themselves.

Wrong. I summarized the posts, not groups of kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To summarize all the posts:

parents of kids who are left out feel:

-kids who don’t always include all other friends are mean and their parents are also mean;

- it is okay for a left out kid to ask to join an already planned get together


u]parents of kids who are not left out feel: [/u]

- kids can elect who to invite somewhere when their family or kid is planning the event and this isn’t mean or exclusionary but more a preference who to hang out with

- by the 6th grade + timeframe, kids largely plan their social activities and parents don’t need to micromanage.

That’s it in a nutshell.

Thank you for saving me 9 pages of reading. Got lucky when I jumped to9 and saw this summary.

Carry on.

No, there aren't two groups of kids. ALL kids feel left out at one point or another in their lives. Parents however handle this in different ways and that's what the issue is - whether to gripe and declare others and their parents "mean," or empower your children by encouraging them to branch out, form new connections, host events themselves.

Wrong. I summarized the posts, not groups of kids.

It's not true for the posts either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To summarize all the posts:

parents of kids who are left out feel:

-kids who don’t always include all other friends are mean and their parents are also mean;

- it is okay for a left out kid to ask to join an already planned get together


u]parents of kids who are not left out feel: [/u]

- kids can elect who to invite somewhere when their family or kid is planning the event and this isn’t mean or exclusionary but more a preference who to hang out with

- by the 6th grade + timeframe, kids largely plan their social activities and parents don’t need to micromanage.

That’s it in a nutshell.

Thank you for saving me 9 pages of reading. Got lucky when I jumped to9 and saw this summary.

Carry on.

No, there aren't two groups of kids. ALL kids feel left out at one point or another in their lives. Parents however handle this in different ways and that's what the issue is - whether to gripe and declare others and their parents "mean," or empower your children by encouraging them to branch out, form new connections, host events themselves.

Wrong. I summarized the posts, not groups of kids.

It's not true for the posts either.

It is true for the vast majority - most of them.