Unfair monetary treatment between me and step-siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one loooong thread...
Can I just say that if my teenaged child and I suffered a horrible loss of her father/my husband, and I remarried and became a step-mom, I would do everything possible to make my daughter feel like she didn’t lose her only surviving parent in the process. Doesn’t matter how old my child is, or if she’s married with kids...I guarantee the step-dad’s kids and grandkids will get so much more than OP.. Shame on the step dad for not being more inclusive, and shame on your mom for neglecting you.

I'm sure you're the same crazy bird who keeps posting the same post over and over again, ranting shame and horrible towards people you've never met and know nothing about.

I'm a grown up. I don't need or want to get expensive gifts because I'm financially independent and can treat myself thank you very much. I'd have no problems with younger siblings still in college or their early 20s getting new laptops or expensive clothes. They need it more than I do. We're well off and $75 is perfectly fine as a gift for an adult who can fend for herself.

If my father died and my mother remarried, that's great for her and I'd hope to have a good relationship with him but he would never ever become a substitute for my father nor would he be anything more than my mother's husband. As an adult I don't need a stepdad. And I wouldn't be bothered if he spent more money on gifts for his own children than on me. Especially children that are a lot younger than me and in a different place in life than I am.

This is not about step dad, fyi.

How do you not see this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one loooong thread...
Can I just say that if my teenaged child and I suffered a horrible loss of her father/my husband, and I remarried and became a step-mom, I would do everything possible to make my daughter feel like she didn’t lose her only surviving parent in the process. Doesn’t matter how old my child is, or if she’s married with kids...I guarantee the step-dad’s kids and grandkids will get so much more than OP.. Shame on the step dad for not being more inclusive, and shame on your mom for neglecting you.

I'm sure you're the same crazy bird who keeps posting the same post over and over again, ranting shame and horrible towards people you've never met and know nothing about.

I'm a grown up. I don't need or want to get expensive gifts because I'm financially independent and can treat myself thank you very much. I'd have no problems with younger siblings still in college or their early 20s getting new laptops or expensive clothes. They need it more than I do. We're well off and $75 is perfectly fine as a gift for an adult who can fend for herself.

If my father died and my mother remarried, that's great for her and I'd hope to have a good relationship with him but he would never ever become a substitute for my father nor would he be anything more than my mother's husband. As an adult I don't need a stepdad. And I wouldn't be bothered if he spent more money on gifts for his own children than on me. Especially children that are a lot younger than me and in a different place in life than I am.

This is not about step dad, fyi.

How do you not see this?

All I see is someone making a lot of projections so it's difficult to figure out what she's trying to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s one thing when your mom and stepdad are equal earners, but especially when you acknowledge that it’s his money.... I’m not sure what you were expecting. You’re not his kid, you never saw him as a father, and you’re an adult who is apparently capable of looking after yourself and your family.

You can ask to not hear about their gifts though. And you can stop spending time thinking about what to gift them.

They’re definitely not equal earners, but I can tell you this much, it wouldn’t hurt him financially to treat me the same. I just wish my own mom wasn’t so excited to brag about how wonderfully she/they treat her stepkids.

Found it! Grown person with children upset that her stepfather's children get pricier gifts than they do.

That doesn’t mean she thinks she deserves the same. But if there is no financial reason for the discrepancy it is obviously about the relationship. Stepsisters have a dad who loves and spoils them financially and a step-mom who devotes lots of time and energy to planning these excursions and gifts.
OP gets an after-thought gift card and nothing else. She has no parents anymore. And the difference is not cause by money but by people with everything who just don’t care enough to even think of including her.

That is a total reach to say she is an orphan just because her mom picks out nice gifts for her stepsisters. The dynamics is such that OP does not have a relationship with her mom's husband. She got a $75 gift card and yet she still complains. It wasn't like nothing. I get the impression that the OP just drives herself upset by constant comparison with her stepsisters. Was the stepdad obliged to pay for her college too, since he's probably paying for his daughters based on OP's logic? I'm sure one more college bill wouldn't hurt his net worth but it's the principle. She's not his daughter. His money isn't his wife's money to spend on her bio daughter (OP). And so OP's mom does the smart thing to ingratiate herself with his daughters and help with gifting. OP needs to deal.

I agree with this. But OP’s mother is rude to talk about the gifts/experiences given to the step-sisters. It’s always rude to brag about spending money. I think OP should tell her mother that she doesn’t want to hear about the extravagant gifts.

OP's mother may not realize the daughter is bothered. She may think they're close enough that she can talk frankly and openly without any issues of jealousy coming up. I can totally see how this situation can be interpreted differently.

That would be why MULTIPLE posters have said OP should tell her mother that it bothers her to hear about the stepsisters gifts...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s one thing when your mom and stepdad are equal earners, but especially when you acknowledge that it’s his money.... I’m not sure what you were expecting. You’re not his kid, you never saw him as a father, and you’re an adult who is apparently capable of looking after yourself and your family.

You can ask to not hear about their gifts though. And you can stop spending time thinking about what to gift them.

They’re definitely not equal earners, but I can tell you this much, it wouldn’t hurt him financially to treat me the same. I just wish my own mom wasn’t so excited to brag about how wonderfully she/they treat her stepkids.

Found it! Grown person with children upset that her stepfather's children get pricier gifts than they do.

That doesn’t mean she thinks she deserves the same. But if there is no financial reason for the discrepancy it is obviously about the relationship. Stepsisters have a dad who loves and spoils them financially and a step-mom who devotes lots of time and energy to planning these excursions and gifts.
OP gets an after-thought gift card and nothing else. She has no parents anymore. And the difference is not cause by money but by people with everything who just don’t care enough to even think of including her.

That is a total reach to say she is an orphan just because her mom picks out nice gifts for her stepsisters. The dynamics is such that OP does not have a relationship with her mom's husband. She got a $75 gift card and yet she still complains. It wasn't like nothing. I get the impression that the OP just drives herself upset by constant comparison with her stepsisters. Was the stepdad obliged to pay for her college too, since he's probably paying for his daughters based on OP's logic? I'm sure one more college bill wouldn't hurt his net worth but it's the principle. She's not his daughter. His money isn't his wife's money to spend on her bio daughter (OP). And so OP's mom does the smart thing to ingratiate herself with his daughters and help with gifting. OP needs to deal.

I agree with this. But OP’s mother is rude to talk about the gifts/experiences given to the step-sisters. It’s always rude to brag about spending money. I think OP should tell her mother that she doesn’t want to hear about the extravagant gifts.

OP's mother may not realize the daughter is bothered. She may think they're close enough that she can talk frankly and openly without any issues of jealousy coming up. I can totally see how this situation can be interpreted differently.

That would be why MULTIPLE posters have said OP should tell her mother that it bothers her to hear about the stepsisters gifts...

I bet OP wouldn’t mind hearing about the stepsisters gifts if OPs children were getting fawned over too.

It’s not about the gifts per se, but it is about the gifts.

OP sees that her mom’s love language is gifts, and OPs family is kept at arms length while others are embraced. That’s hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if the mom does work, it's the stepdad's money so why is that even relevant?

People here go on and on about when you are married it's OUR money, not his and hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When the step-dad married OP’s mom, OP became part of his nuclear family...or should have. One does discriminate between siblings in a nuclear family.

Now the step-dad may not “get” this, but OP’s mom is a jerk for letting this go on.

OP, you are being unfairly treated. My guess is that you don’t care about the gifts so much as the obvious favoritism. You have a legitimate grievance. Since your mom has let this go on so long, I seriously doubt anything will change at this point. But I certainly would sit your mom down and tell her how you have felt all these years. She is not a considerate parent and should be called out for it.

I know you mean does NOT, but OP and the steps are not siblings. Not even a little bit.

+1! I don't know why OP is so upset. Like I said, even if stepdad wasn't married to her mom, her stepsisters would still be lavished with stuff and trips so why is this so upsetting to her?

Because the mom is so excited and happy about it.

What is wrong with that? So the mom is supposed to begrudge her stepdaughters when it's their dad's money???

Ok, I'll bite. My guess is that you're being deliberately obtuse and contorting the story to fit your narrative, but in case you're not, the OP clearly stated that she doesn't begrudge the gifts but instead wishes she didn't know about them. She's not trying to make a grab for anything - she just wants her mom not to wave the transfer of affection (which the gifts and family trips represent) in her face.

I don't blame her. OP lost her dad, and if I were in her shoes I'd feel like I'd lost the mom I had once known too. THAT is why she is hurt.

Hello, did you read the OP's post in which she stated "It wouldn't hurt him financially to treat me the same"? What does that tell you? OP wouldn't mind if she also got the Broadway tix and Macbooks. You're the one who is failing to acknowledge OP's true intentions. Does that make her a bad person? No. But she's being unrealistic. That man did not raise her nor adopt her, so why is she expecting to get the financial perks of being his offspring when she isn't? He married her mom and that is all.

OP's point in that post was that it would not hurt her stepfather to make it more equal. Therefore it is a very intentional choice to continue the disparity. And it makes her mom's refusal to advocate for her sting more. I read that as, 'it is not as if SF has to pinch pennies to give them the macbooks therefore making the extremely different and emotionally vacant choice of a 75 dollar gift card all the more insulting.'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if the mom does work, it's the stepdad's money so why is that even relevant?

People here go on and on about when you are married it's OUR money, not his and hers.

I don’t understand why the mom couldn’t spend “her” money to do nice things for OPs family too.

If the couple is married I doubt they’re splitting living expenses down the middle because that would be really unfair to OPs mom. She probably has a lot more disposable income now that she married a wealthier man. Why can’t she use some of her money on her grandchildren instead of focusing all her attention on her stepdaughters?

[Anonymous]

OP, you and your step-sibs are not equal. From your own account you did not live in his house and he did not raise you. He is your mother's husband, not a replacement dad so I think your expectations are unrealistic. I also think you may be making some attributions to your mom that aren't true. Would my husband and I handle the situation differently if I were your mom and he was my second husband? You betcha. But your gift is not monetary. Your gift is that your mom has found a loving husband who is taking good care of your mom. Accept it and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you and your step-sibs are not equal. From your own account you did not live in his house and he did not raise you. He is your mother's husband, not a replacement dad so I think your expectations are unrealistic. I also think you may be making some attributions to your mom that aren't true. Would my husband and I handle the situation differently if I were your mom and he was my second husband? You betcha. But your gift is not monetary. Your gift is that your mom has found a loving husband who is taking good care of your mom. Accept it and move on.

Glad to know that there are some sane voices on this thread. OP lost her dad a long time ago and she needs to move on. She still has her mom and her mom does nothing to shut her out or anything like that. Talking about getting gifts for her husband's DDs is not meant to be a slap in OP's face. OP needs to learn that not everything is about her and needs to seek some counselling. She is making a mountain of a molehill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When the step-dad married OP’s mom, OP became part of his nuclear family...or should have. One does discriminate between siblings in a nuclear family.

Now the step-dad may not “get” this, but OP’s mom is a jerk for letting this go on.

OP, you are being unfairly treated. My guess is that you don’t care about the gifts so much as the obvious favoritism. You have a legitimate grievance. Since your mom has let this go on so long, I seriously doubt anything will change at this point. But I certainly would sit your mom down and tell her how you have felt all these years. She is not a considerate parent and should be called out for it.

I know you mean does NOT, but OP and the steps are not siblings. Not even a little bit.

+1! I don't know why OP is so upset. Like I said, even if stepdad wasn't married to her mom, her stepsisters would still be lavished with stuff and trips so why is this so upsetting to her?

Because the mom is so excited and happy about it.

What is wrong with that? So the mom is supposed to begrudge her stepdaughters when it's their dad's money???

Ok, I'll bite. My guess is that you're being deliberately obtuse and contorting the story to fit your narrative, but in case you're not, the OP clearly stated that she doesn't begrudge the gifts but instead wishes she didn't know about them. She's not trying to make a grab for anything - she just wants her mom not to wave the transfer of affection (which the gifts and family trips represent) in her face.

I don't blame her. OP lost her dad, and if I were in her shoes I'd feel like I'd lost the mom I had once known too. THAT is why she is hurt.

Hello, did you read the OP's post in which she stated "It wouldn't hurt him financially to treat me the same"? What does that tell you? OP wouldn't mind if she also got the Broadway tix and Macbooks. You're the one who is failing to acknowledge OP's true intentions. Does that make her a bad person? No. But she's being unrealistic. That man did not raise her nor adopt her, so why is she expecting to get the financial perks of being his offspring when she isn't? He married her mom and that is all.

OP's point in that post was that it would not hurt her stepfather to make it more equal. Therefore it is a very intentional choice to continue the disparity. And it makes her mom's refusal to advocate for her sting more. I read that as, 'it is not as if SF has to pinch pennies to give them the macbooks therefore making the extremely different and emotionally vacant choice of a 75 dollar gift card all the more insulting.'

Why does it need to be more equal? OP is not his daughter. She never was and never will be. It's embarrassing for her to be pining for gifts from a man who just happened to marry her mom. If her mom were using her own money to fund this gifts, then that would be a legitimate complaint. But like OP said, it's his money. Of course, his wife may be the one spending it because she does the 'emotional work' but she probably enjoys it too (so it's not 'work') because she can build a good rapport with the stepdaughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you and your step-sibs are not equal. From your own account you did not live in his house and he did not raise you. He is your mother's husband, not a replacement dad so I think your expectations are unrealistic. I also think you may be making some attributions to your mom that aren't true. Would my husband and I handle the situation differently if I were your mom and he was my second husband? You betcha. But your gift is not monetary. Your gift is that your mom has found a loving husband who is taking good care of your mom. Accept it and move on.

Glad to know that there are some sane voices on this thread. OP lost her dad a long time ago and she needs to move on. She still has her mom and her mom does nothing to shut her out or anything like that. Talking about getting gifts for her husband's DDs is not meant to be a slap in OP's face. OP needs to learn that not everything is about her and needs to seek some counselling. She is making a mountain of a molehill.

Spending hours considering her step daughters lavish presents and giving her own daughter a bland 75 dollar gift card and her grandchildren $50 bucks in toys is shutting her DD out. It is insensitive. You should not have a christmas morning where gifts are given with such wild discrepancy. It is simply impolite and mean, full stop.

[Anonymous]

^^ It needs to be more equal because OPs mom is her mom.

It’s not about the stepdad - it’s about OPs mom spending so much time planning great gifts for her stepdaughters and giving OP an afterthought gift card.

[Anonymous]

OP has already admitted that she is jealous of her stepsisters because of these gifts and trips. She needs therapy. Why begrudge her stepsisters and mom for nothing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ It needs to be more equal because OPs mom is her mom.

It’s not about the stepdad - it’s about OPs mom spending so much time planning great gifts for her stepdaughters and giving OP an afterthought gift card.

You only read what you want to read. OP has stated that she knows it's her mom's husband's money and she thinks it wouldnt hurt him to treat her the same. It means that it is about the stepdad because stepdad=$$$$. Mom wouldnt be able to do any gifting or planning if not for $$$$.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ It needs to be more equal because OPs mom is her mom.

It’s not about the stepdad - it’s about OPs mom spending so much time planning great gifts for her stepdaughters and giving OP an afterthought gift card.

You only read what you want to read. OP has stated that she knows it's her mom's husband's money and she thinks it wouldnt hurt him to treat her the same. It means that it is about the stepdad because stepdad=$$$$. Mom wouldnt be able to do any gifting or planning if not for $$$$.

You accuse other posters of only reading what they want into it and yet you have latched onto a single sentence of OP's and used it to tar and feather her as a gold digger. So pot, meet kettle.