Hosting step-grandson for two weeks- how to deal with food fussiness

[Anonymous]

I'm still stuck on a grandparent inviting a grandkid for 2 weeks, and intentionally making things she knows the kid won't like. Everything else is just noise compared to this. If you had an adult houseguest for 2 weeks, would you make things you know she doesn't like? Of course not. OP is a shitty grandparent, and a shitty person.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the OP should go out of her way to make special meals that only the grandson will like, but she really should have known what she was signing up for when she invited him for an extended stay. It is down right rude to try to make your guest as miserable as possible while they stay with you because you don't agree with how they eat.
It is not difficult to say "Johnny, we are having a beef and vegetable casserole tonight, i would love for you to try it, but after you try it you are welcome to make a frozen pizza if you don't like it". Or, "I would love for you to help me plan the meals and cook on nights X,Y,Z. The other nights you are welcome to frozen pizza if you don't want what i have made.

Why invite this kid and then make it your mission to serve him food you KNOW he doesn't like. It is not like you served something and then found out he hated it. You are actively trying to pressure him into eating what you want.
Pick your battles OP, this ain't it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From the OP's post it sounds like there are a lot of assumptions going on and no conversations. So at one meal OP observed her Step grandson picking out vegetables from the meal. From this everyone has assumed the kid won't eat any vegetables. Start my talking to the kid's parents. My kids each have their eating quirks. One thing they all have in common is they LOVE raw veggies but will not eat cooked veggies. So if they are served something with cooked carrots in it they will pick out the carrots. Give them some raw carrots and they will eat 2 pounds of them.

OP needs to step back and find out what typical meals are for the 12 year old and then figure out what the challenges really are. Maybe actually talk to the 12 year old and cook a meal together. My 12 yr old son is very picky but also loves to cook things and is amazing at taking a recipe and figuring out how to tweak it so that he would like it. Usually that means serving it 'deconstructed" so everyone can add what they like.

OP here. I had no idea that my initial post would generate 11 pages of replies! Anyway, to clarify some of the questions some of you have raised. The reason why I say 'step' is because that is the truth. I don't have children and I'm in my early 40s. I don't see myself as a grandma but that doesn't make me terrible. The kid calls me by my first name and I am fine with that. People have commented that I don't know for sure that he doesn't eat vegetables. He once launched into a five-minute monologue about why even his grandfather shouldn't like to eat vegetables either. Of course, I won't be force-feeding him anything but I don't want to stand and listen to him complaining "Ewwww…I don't like this. I want XYZ" But at the same time, I know I was raised in a different culture and that my approach about telling him that such behavior is impolite may be seen as being too direct (based on the responses here). I'm not his servant, I'm his host. I wouldn't feel any differently even if he was an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm still stuck on a grandparent inviting a grandkid for 2 weeks, and intentionally making things she knows the kid won't like. Everything else is just noise compared to this. If you had an adult houseguest for 2 weeks, would you make things you know she doesn't like? Of course not. OP is a shitty grandparent, and a shitty person.

I'm sure you're Grandparent of the Year. *Slow clap*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the title states...The kid in question is 12 yo and known for picking vegetables out of his meals for as long as I've known him. He also doesn't like anything other than American food and will make all sorts of remarks about how much he hates vegetables etc. DH said earlier today that "if he doesn't want to eat what we eat, then we can heat up something like a frozen pizza etc." while I disagree. I think that if we've taken the trouble of making a meal, he should be having what we're having and not be catered to. It's not like he's deathly allergic to vegetables. If the kid was just staying for a few days, I would let my husband just deal with it. However, it's two weeks so I will definitely be handling at least half of meal prep/cooking. I like to cook a variety of dishes from various non-American cuisines (FWIW, I'm German). Knowing how outspoken this kid will be about the food that is served, I plan on informing him at the start that his fussy ways won't be tolerated. That said, I wouldn't want him complaining to his parents that we were mean to him. Is my approach considered inappropriate to American parents?

I don't know that I would not at least try a few traditional German dishes, he may surprise you. Lots of kids say that they hate vegetables because all they have ever been served was bland and overcooked or worse reheated from a can. I'm not saying that you should berate him if he doesn't eat them, but, maybe present it as something special for him to try. Letting him help cook it a great idea if he is willing. 12 is definitely old enough and maybe he will feel invested in the meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:at least try a few traditional German dishes, he may surprise you. Lots of kids say that they hate vegetables because all they have ever been served was bland and overcooked or worse reheated from a can.

You pretty much described German cooking.

I wouldn't cater to that fussy kid, but I also wouldn't inflict German food on him.

If OP says she can cook, then she must be able to cook something other than German food. That hopefully doesn't taste like someone German cooked it. So I'd start there.

[Anonymous]

All of you German food haters, I challenge you to name a damn good American bakery that can produce Decent bread!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But at the same time, I know I was raised in a different culture and that my approach about telling him that such behavior is impolite may be seen as being too direct (based on the responses here). I'm not his servant, I'm his host. I wouldn't feel any differently even if he was an adult.

OP it is fine to let a child staying in your house for two weeks without his parents know that you expect him not to say negative things about the food being served. Just as you would tell him "In this house we don't walk around naked" or "House rules: no jumping in the bed." Now if you don't think he will obey your house rules that is a different matter; I'd probably cancel the trip if that is likely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From the OP's post it sounds like there are a lot of assumptions going on and no conversations. So at one meal OP observed her Step grandson picking out vegetables from the meal. From this everyone has assumed the kid won't eat any vegetables. Start my talking to the kid's parents. My kids each have their eating quirks. One thing they all have in common is they LOVE raw veggies but will not eat cooked veggies. So if they are served something with cooked carrots in it they will pick out the carrots. Give them some raw carrots and they will eat 2 pounds of them.

OP needs to step back and find out what typical meals are for the 12 year old and then figure out what the challenges really are. Maybe actually talk to the 12 year old and cook a meal together. My 12 yr old son is very picky but also loves to cook things and is amazing at taking a recipe and figuring out how to tweak it so that he would like it. Usually that means serving it 'deconstructed" so everyone can add what they like.

OP here. I had no idea that my initial post would generate 11 pages of replies! Anyway, to clarify some of the questions some of you have raised. The reason why I say 'step' is because that is the truth. I don't have children and I'm in my early 40s. I don't see myself as a grandma but that doesn't make me terrible. The kid calls me by my first name and I am fine with that. People have commented that I don't know for sure that he doesn't eat vegetables. He once launched into a five-minute monologue about why even his grandfather shouldn't like to eat vegetables either. Of course, I won't be force-feeding him anything but I don't want to stand and listen to him complaining "Ewwww…I don't like this. I want XYZ" But at the same time, I know I was raised in a different culture and that my approach about telling him that such behavior is impolite may be seen as being too direct (based on the responses here). I'm not his servant, I'm his host. I wouldn't feel any differently even if he was an adult.

You are really, really making yourself look worse.

40 year old trophy wife/gold digger hates the grandkid who parents are the same age or older than grandma.

NOW we have the root to the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From the OP's post it sounds like there are a lot of assumptions going on and no conversations. So at one meal OP observed her Step grandson picking out vegetables from the meal. From this everyone has assumed the kid won't eat any vegetables. Start my talking to the kid's parents. My kids each have their eating quirks. One thing they all have in common is they LOVE raw veggies but will not eat cooked veggies. So if they are served something with cooked carrots in it they will pick out the carrots. Give them some raw carrots and they will eat 2 pounds of them.

OP needs to step back and find out what typical meals are for the 12 year old and then figure out what the challenges really are. Maybe actually talk to the 12 year old and cook a meal together. My 12 yr old son is very picky but also loves to cook things and is amazing at taking a recipe and figuring out how to tweak it so that he would like it. Usually that means serving it 'deconstructed" so everyone can add what they like.

OP here. I had no idea that my initial post would generate 11 pages of replies! Anyway, to clarify some of the questions some of you have raised. The reason why I say 'step' is because that is the truth. I don't have children and I'm in my early 40s. I don't see myself as a grandma but that doesn't make me terrible. The kid calls me by my first name and I am fine with that. People have commented that I don't know for sure that he doesn't eat vegetables. He once launched into a five-minute monologue about why even his grandfather shouldn't like to eat vegetables either. Of course, I won't be force-feeding him anything but I don't want to stand and listen to him complaining "Ewwww…I don't like this. I want XYZ" But at the same time, I know I was raised in a different culture and that my approach about telling him that such behavior is impolite may be seen as being too direct (based on the responses here). I'm not his servant, I'm his host. I wouldn't feel any differently even if he was an adult.

You are really, really making yourself look worse.

40 year old trophy wife/gold digger hates the grandkid who parents are the same age or older than grandma.

NOW we have the root to the problem.

I understand a little. DH’s Dad remarried a lady from Germany and she was tough like this and cold. At least OP was trying to ask advice. That being said, she cooked lots of food and looked disapprovingly if they didn’t eat but she didn’t force it. She also made a lot of desserts. She wasn’t great with kids or company and knew it because she liked things her way. The kids never formed a bond with her and neither did we but DH’s Dad loved her and that’s all that mattered. She died a few years ago. She did her best to make us feel welcome and I could tell. OP, cook your regular meals. Don’t comment on the 12 yo. Have pizzas and things to make sandwiches around because boys that age eat a lot. Even if he eats your dinner he may need a second dinner in a few hours. Have your husband or the kid make the evening snack.

[Anonymous]

Op, you have two separate issues: introducing cultural food and pickiness. Separate them.

Re. introducing German food, make a few German things that are within his comfort zone. Most American kids like sweets and starches. So try spaetzle or strudel. Make pretzels together and see who can make the fanciest twists and shapes.

Re. pickiness, even if this were your job, it’s not going to get fixed in 2 weeks. Some picky kids grow out of it, others learn to live with it, but either way, it takes years.

After years of trying and hoping that my kid would be less picky, we finally decided to focus less on his food intake and more on his manners. This lesson can be delivered in a kind way. Don’t bark out house rules when he arrives! Instead, offer ways that he *can* react that are acceptable to you.

For ex., instead of pulling nasty looks or comments, we made sure DS had an arsenal of alternate replies in the event that someone interrogated him at the table. It’s less insulting to the cook if you say “It smells great, but I haven’t acquired a taste for chicken liver yet” (truth) or “I had a huge breakfast earlier and I’m not so hungry” (white lie) vs. ‘ugh, gross!” Then, the issue is you and not the quality of the preparation.

My DS didn’t get in trouble for not eating or trying things, he got in trouble for poor manners and reaction to food that he didn’t like. Eventually he outgrew some of his fussiness on his own. During that process, he was polite.

Remember to check *your* attitude too - if you’re going down this path, you need to deliver this with kindness and in the spirit of helping your young visitor, not castigating him.
Take him out to dinner, have him help you cook, teach him to make simple healthy things. Keep your meals balanced, but in component pieces. And remember to do fun things with him that don’t involve food!

[Anonymous]

And this is why so many men and a lot of more relaxed women dislike women like you. Sadly, so many women are like you. Constantly wanting to die over an issue that is so inconsequential and unimportant. Your husband must be dealing with constant small issues that you can't stand and have to pick on, and on and on.....You should ask yourself why do you have the need to make drama out of everything, even a small thing like this? Your approach is weird in any culture. You have a grandson coming for two weeks, most grandmas I know would make an effort to feed the kid during the visit, what kid likes. That is what kids love about grandmas, they let them eat what they want! Even my European mom cooks what my kids like, even when that thing was a hamburger and spaghetti. My kids were picky due to severe GERD, and while healthy options were presented, they also had what they liked. We never forced kids to eat anything. I am happy to report that my mom was as happy as can be, when my DD just now, older teen visited and asked grandma to make her fish with zucchini, cauliflower and broccoli. She ate grandma's roasted peppers and soups. First time ever she ate white bean soup and told grandma it was delicious. She eats almost everything now, except tomatoes, which is fine, GERD still there so her pediatrician doesn't want her eating tomatoes. So maybe rather than planning a full on food invasion of your step-grandson, who already has to deal with step family, uprooted childhood, how about you feed him what he likes and try to be a nice grandma so that both of you can actually enjoy his visit and he can relax a bit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of you German food haters, I challenge you to name a damn good American bakery that can produce Decent bread!

I love German food and lived there over a year but Maison Kayser and Whole Foods both make lovely breads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 12 year old is not "fussy." It's one thing to not like a small handful of things - it's another thing to have more things on the "will not eat" list, than 'will eat" list. A 12 year old with pickiness is a spoiled brat.

You make what you make. Have some other healthy snacks on hand, but he doesn't get a special meal.

You are going to make a terrible grandparent.

Are you OP sockpuppeting?

Nope, not OP. But did grow up with immigrant parents (not German), and this whole food pickiness is a a quintessential American phenomenon - and the parental catering to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 12 year old is not "fussy." It's one thing to not like a small handful of things - it's another thing to have more things on the "will not eat" list, than 'will eat" list. A 12 year old with pickiness is a spoiled brat.

You make what you make. Have some other healthy snacks on hand, but he doesn't get a special meal.

You are going to make a terrible grandparent.

Are you OP sockpuppeting?

Nope, not OP. But did grow up with immigrant parents (not German), and this whole food pickiness is a a quintessential American phenomenon - and the parental catering to it.

OK, you do get that the vast majority of American posters don't give a care whether Gremans think they are good parents or not, right? Like, if German parents and grandparents think I'm being too soft and accommodating, that's a GOOD thing.

-np with German heritage