Just don't really care

[Anonymous]

So much bitterness. People stay together despite an okay sex and then get surprised that an okay sex becomes a meh sex or no sex. No mystery there, settling rarely leads to satisfaction.

I think this is a bit simplistic. Okay sex is okay and many people are fine with that. I had numerous rockstar sex sessions with women that I would not want to be married to. Sex amazing-the rest of them not so much. So when I found someone that was "okay" sex but really good wife material that I really loved, I was fine with okay sex + all the other benefits. I don' think that if you are having okay sex with someone you should expect that it will become meh and then no sex. I would take okay sex for the rest of my life with a good wife over amazing sex with someone that would be a bad wife. I don't think there is necessarily a cause effect of okay sex>no sex at all, at least there shouldn't be.

I guess I am wired differently. I can't settle on an okay sex with a good person. I would rather not have a spouse. Okay sex makes for a meh spouse, not a good spouse. I am also not talking about "rockstar sex sessions", I am talking about the desire and the absolute enjoyment of your partner, when thinking about your partner gets you all turned on, when you absolutely love taste, smell, touch, look. How can you have a great spouse without a desire is beyond me, unless you are in a partnership type open marriage or don't care about physical aspect of marriage much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I see my wife as a sexual object, just there is no sexual response. So its not that I don't think she's hot, I tell her that all the time, she just isn't interested in me sexually anymore. I didn't settle I don't think, we had a good relationship, including sexual, when we were dating and even at the beginning of our marriage. Once we were married for a while that is when it slowed down and ended.

This is something that men need to read and understand, but they won't. They all think, that will never happen to me. She is the one and once we get married, the sex will only get better.

This is why I swear, I'll never get married again. Currently, I have a fantastic sex life with one woman and we are monogamous, but I don't even want to move in together. If it became an issue for her, I'd probably be willing to let her go before I'd make that commitment. Harsh, I know, but you live and learn. I'll never again but my sex life in the hands of a woman, or go years waiting for her to recover from whatever happened to turn off her desire.

For the low, or no libido spouse, lack of sex is no problem. It's rare that a spouse like this will ever see it as "their" problem. Her only problem is him giving her a problem about sex, or times she has to suffer through it. It's all his problem but he is powerless to solve it without her help. And she just doesn't care. She wants nothing to do with it and won't even offer a reason why.

I give you credit because at least you know you're not marriage material. Anyone that puts their crotch above their spouse, kids, home, security..etc. etc. needs to be on their own. So far it's working for you but it's going to get very lonely as you become older. Things change, your health at some point will change, this lady will likely change. Down the road it won't be so easy to find partners.

This is way too familiar. BTDT a few times. Never again. If you wonder why so many young men are not getting married these days, or waiting a lot longer than in the past, then seeking younger partners, it's because a lot of them have gotten the message and are paying attention.

[Anonymous]

2x-3x times a week, in and out in 10-15 minutes tops if she doesn’t want any foreplay, etc. This isn’t difficult. Why do previously horny women fade? Kids are not an excuse. Make time for this. Each week. What else is better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I see my wife as a sexual object, just there is no sexual response. So its not that I don't think she's hot, I tell her that all the time, she just isn't interested in me sexually anymore. I didn't settle I don't think, we had a good relationship, including sexual, when we were dating and even at the beginning of our marriage. Once we were married for a while that is when it slowed down and ended.

This is something that men need to read and understand, but they won't. They all think, that will never happen to me. She is the one and once we get married, the sex will only get better.

This is why I swear, I'll never get married again. Currently, I have a fantastic sex life with one woman and we are monogamous, but I don't even want to move in together. If it became an issue for her, I'd probably be willing to let her go before I'd make that commitment. Harsh, I know, but you live and learn. I'll never again but my sex life in the hands of a woman, or go years waiting for her to recover from whatever happened to turn off her desire.

For the low, or no libido spouse, lack of sex is no problem. It's rare that a spouse like this will ever see it as "their" problem. Her only problem is him giving her a problem about sex, or times she has to suffer through it. It's all his problem but he is powerless to solve it without her help. And she just doesn't care. She wants nothing to do with it and won't even offer a reason why.

This is way too familiar. BTDT a few times. Never again. If you wonder why so many young men are not getting married these days, or waiting a lot longer than in the past, then seeking younger partners, it's because a lot of them have gotten the message and are paying attention.

I’m in the same boat, brother except I’m not looking for monogamy right now nor do I expect it. Never again will I get married. Listen to a woman’s actions, not their words.

Women once cared not just for their own family and children, but for the communities children as well. Now, women (at least Western/American women) care nothing but for themselves (as my STBXW stated herself) now and even that is fading with obesity, rampant militant feminism and tattoos.

[Anonymous]

Alot of bitter angry men on this thread. It's not complicated, guys. Here is the 10 second fix to your sexless marriage: "Dear, we need to talk. While I am happy with you as a wife, I can not go on without a normal, regular sex life. You can decide where we go from here: regular sex; open marriage; an ex-husband."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Alot of bitter angry men on this thread. It's not complicated, guys. Here is the 10 second fix to your sexless marriage: "Dear, we need to talk. While I am happy with you as a wife, I can not go on without a normal, regular sex life. You can decide where we go from here: regular sex; open marriage; an ex-husband."

I said no to regular sex and an open marriage and suggested he files. He didn't file, instead started looking for AP. He found AP. I filed. He was surprised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I see my wife as a sexual object, just there is no sexual response. So its not that I don't think she's hot, I tell her that all the time, she just isn't interested in me sexually anymore. I didn't settle I don't think, we had a good relationship, including sexual, when we were dating and even at the beginning of our marriage. Once we were married for a while that is when it slowed down and ended.

This is something that men need to read and understand, but they won't. They all think, that will never happen to me. She is the one and once we get married, the sex will only get better.

This is why I swear, I'll never get married again. Currently, I have a fantastic sex life with one woman and we are monogamous, but I don't even want to move in together. If it became an issue for her, I'd probably be willing to let her go before I'd make that commitment. Harsh, I know, but you live and learn. I'll never again but my sex life in the hands of a woman, or go years waiting for her to recover from whatever happened to turn off her desire.

For the low, or no libido spouse, lack of sex is no problem. It's rare that a spouse like this will ever see it as "their" problem. Her only problem is him giving her a problem about sex, or times she has to suffer through it. It's all his problem but he is powerless to solve it without her help. And she just doesn't care. She wants nothing to do with it and won't even offer a reason why.

I give you credit because at least you know you're not marriage material. Anyone that puts their crotch above their spouse, kids, home, security..etc. etc. needs to be on their own. So far it's working for you but it's going to get very lonely as you become older. Things change, your health at some point will change, this lady will likely change. Down the road it won't be so easy to find partners.

This is way too familiar. BTDT a few times. Never again. If you wonder why so many young men are not getting married these days, or waiting a lot longer than in the past, then seeking younger partners, it's because a lot of them have gotten the message and are paying attention.

They are still getting women pregnant and paying through the nose. Too many men fail to get fixed or use birth control. If anything it's more women not getting married today because they can have their family without having a man child.

The men who solely value sex should stay single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alot of bitter angry men on this thread. It's not complicated, guys. Here is the 10 second fix to your sexless marriage: "Dear, we need to talk. While I am happy with you as a wife, I can not go on without a normal, regular sex life. You can decide where we go from here: regular sex; open marriage; an ex-husband."

I said no to regular sex and an open marriage and suggested he files. He didn't file, instead started looking for AP. He found AP. I filed. He was surprised.

LOL

He also gave you a lot of opportunity to plan the finances in your favor.

If someone threatens me I'm going to start planning right away.

[Anonymous]

OP, the thing is, you have limited options.

1) Leave her. The marriage doesn't feel like a marriage to you anymore, and that's not what you signed up for. Fine. So leave.

2) Have an affair. Will solve your sex problem but loses you the moral high ground, even if some people think it's justified based on the "lack of sex" (note: once a month meh sex isn't a lack of sex, but whatever, it's your d*ck).

3) Accept reality, make peace, and carry on with your life, simmering in resentment.

You don't like those options. Your current apathy will absolutely ferment into resentment and then contempt. Your wife will know. She won't be your friend anymore. Your kids will know. You will feel like crap because you will know you're setting a lousy example for them.

So then what?

4) Talk to your wife, honestly. Either do it on your own, or go to therapy and do it there. The crying and talking about how she's not good enough - that's legit. It's true. She probably doesn't feel great about doing things that make you feel sad. But it's also a dodge if it's being used to shut down a frank conversation about a problem. Do not let it shut the conversation down. Be clear about what you need. Be clear about what "putting in an effort" would look like for her. Ask her to be clear about what "putting in an effort" would look like for you. Then...

5) Follow up. Try whatever plan for a month or two. Then talk about it again. I get the feeling from your posts that you are using "just don't really care" as a dodge to avoid actually doing anything to solve this problem. You think you've done things, but apparently, they are not the right things. If you really and truly think that you've done everything you can to resolve it and nothing has changed, then I will refer you to options 1-3, because they are all that is left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Alot of bitter angry men on this thread. It's not complicated, guys. Here is the 10 second fix to your sexless marriage: "Dear, we need to talk. While I am happy with you as a wife, I can not go on without a normal, regular sex life. You can decide where we go from here: regular sex; open marriage; an ex-husband."

And please admit to why they may be angry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2x-3x times a week, in and out in 10-15 minutes tops if she doesn’t want any foreplay, etc. This isn’t difficult. Why do previously horny women fade? Kids are not an excuse. Make time for this. Each week. What else is better?

Men’s sex drives are largely fueled by ever-present testosterone while women’s sex drives are largely fueled by oxytocin. When a relationship is new and exciting, the oxytocin props up a woman’s drive, but that fades with time and familiarity and is compounded by the stresses of career and motherhood. Monogamy is tough on a woman’s sex drive, as a recent British study showed when it revealed a slight but consistent and measurable decline in a woman’s libido for each month she is married.

All of that said, a woman still needs to make time and prioritize sex, as it’s part of the covenant of marriage and key tissues sustaining intimacy and connectedness and, more simply, makes her partner happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alot of bitter angry men on this thread. It's not complicated, guys. Here is the 10 second fix to your sexless marriage: "Dear, we need to talk. While I am happy with you as a wife, I can not go on without a normal, regular sex life. You can decide where we go from here: regular sex; open marriage; an ex-husband."

I said no to regular sex and an open marriage and suggested he files. He didn't file, instead started looking for AP. He found AP. I filed. He was surprised.

Sounds like a happy ending for both of you. Congrats!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the thing is, you have limited options.

1) Leave her. The marriage doesn't feel like a marriage to you anymore, and that's not what you signed up for. Fine. So leave.

2) Have an affair. Will solve your sex problem but loses you the moral high ground, even if some people think it's justified based on the "lack of sex" (note: once a month meh sex isn't a lack of sex, but whatever, it's your d*ck).

3) Accept reality, make peace, and carry on with your life, simmering in resentment.

You don't like those options. Your current apathy will absolutely ferment into resentment and then contempt. Your wife will know. She won't be your friend anymore. Your kids will know. You will feel like crap because you will know you're setting a lousy example for them.

So then what?

4) Talk to your wife, honestly. Either do it on your own, or go to therapy and do it there. The crying and talking about how she's not good enough - that's legit. It's true. She probably doesn't feel great about doing things that make you feel sad. But it's also a dodge if it's being used to shut down a frank conversation about a problem. Do not let it shut the conversation down. Be clear about what you need. Be clear about what "putting in an effort" would look like for her. Ask her to be clear about what "putting in an effort" would look like for you. Then...

5) Follow up. Try whatever plan for a month or two. Then talk about it again. I get the feeling from your posts that you are using "just don't really care" as a dodge to avoid actually doing anything to solve this problem. You think you've done things, but apparently, they are not the right things. If you really and truly think that you've done everything you can to resolve it and nothing has changed, then I will refer you to options 1-3, because they are all that is left.

Declare Open Marriage. It's not an affair, it's a lifestyle choice. No loss of moral high ground at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2x-3x times a week, in and out in 10-15 minutes tops if she doesn’t want any foreplay, etc. This isn’t difficult. Why do previously horny women fade? Kids are not an excuse. Make time for this. Each week. What else is better?

Men’s sex drives are largely fueled by ever-present testosterone while women’s sex drives are largely fueled by oxytocin. When a relationship is new and exciting, the oxytocin props up a woman’s drive, but that fades with time and familiarity and is compounded by the stresses of career and motherhood. Monogamy is tough on a woman’s sex drive, as a recent British study showed when it revealed a slight but consistent and measurable decline in a woman’s libido for each month she is married.

All of that said, a woman still needs to make time and prioritize sex, as it’s part of the covenant of marriage and key tissues sustaining intimacy and connectedness and, more simply, makes her partner happy.

Oh please give it a rest. You make it sound like a job requirement. A lot of things entail a good marriage, sex is one of many important aspects for a good marriage. If the man isn't doing his share, or there are resentments the sex part is going to suffer. If that's not the case it could be something medical. Last, it's also possible she faked liking sex just like men fake opening the door and doing their 50% yet when their married that goes out the window. Happens on both sides, and leads to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the thing is, you have limited options.

1) Leave her. The marriage doesn't feel like a marriage to you anymore, and that's not what you signed up for. Fine. So leave.

2) Have an affair. Will solve your sex problem but loses you the moral high ground, even if some people think it's justified based on the "lack of sex" (note: once a month meh sex isn't a lack of sex, but whatever, it's your d*ck).

3) Accept reality, make peace, and carry on with your life, simmering in resentment.

You don't like those options. Your current apathy will absolutely ferment into resentment and then contempt. Your wife will know. She won't be your friend anymore. Your kids will know. You will feel like crap because you will know you're setting a lousy example for them.

So then what?

4) Talk to your wife, honestly. Either do it on your own, or go to therapy and do it there. The crying and talking about how she's not good enough - that's legit. It's true. She probably doesn't feel great about doing things that make you feel sad. But it's also a dodge if it's being used to shut down a frank conversation about a problem. Do not let it shut the conversation down. Be clear about what you need. Be clear about what "putting in an effort" would look like for her. Ask her to be clear about what "putting in an effort" would look like for you. Then...

5) Follow up. Try whatever plan for a month or two. Then talk about it again. I get the feeling from your posts that you are using "just don't really care" as a dodge to avoid actually doing anything to solve this problem. You think you've done things, but apparently, they are not the right things. If you really and truly think that you've done everything you can to resolve it and nothing has changed, then I will refer you to options 1-3, because they are all that is left.

Declare Open Marriage. It's not an affair, it's a lifestyle choice. No loss of moral high ground at all.

PP here. Look, I'm sympathetic to the OP's situation to an extent, but that is NOT the way that an open marriage works. An open marriage is something that both spouses agree on. If he says "I Declare Open Marriage!" and she doesn't agree, then he's just cheating and trying to justify it. If he asks for an open marriage and she agrees, then the next step is to talk about the rules of that arrangement. If OP thinks that's something his wife will agree to, I'm happy to talk more about what some respectful rules for an open marriage might be as I have one good friend with an open marriage and learned a lot about it, but without consent from both spouses for that arrangement, it's just cheating. Saying otherwise makes you look like an asshole.