Married Women: How do you feel when men flirt with you?

[Anonymous]

I am flattered all. the. time. I love to flirt and to be flirted with. I’ve been married 20 years and faithful. Flirting back and forth is what keeps me sane.

[Anonymous]

I do not always wear my wedding band when engaged in certain work and/or activities; but I am a longtime married woman, and always manage to work that fact into conversations with people I meet.

(I have never cheated throughout our marriage, and would never consider doing so with another person who is married, or otherwise attached, even if I were single/divorced. DH has cheated on me several times, very private information which I do not share.)

I recently attended a party where a very personable and attractive man was also not wearing his wedding band, though he similarly made it clear in our conversation that he has been married for many years. I had never met him before, and neither of our spouses was in attendance.

Surprisingly, because I am generally quite introverted and reserved, we struck up a nice conversation with a very subtle, flirtatious undercurrent (easy conversation, smiles, sustained eye contact, handshakes that lingered, names remembered) that carried on throughout the evening. I definitely felt a little spark or chemistry, and must admit that I found the interaction quite enjoyable.

It might be more appropriate to characterize such interactions as 'genuine human connections', and not necessarily overt flirtations (as they can be rather chaste or old-fashioned in nature); which leave us energized and recharged because such in-person connections are increasingly rare, but oh-so lovely. (Though I do deceive myself into thinking it was something special, as successful men often make a habit of winning people over with their charm.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^ me again. And even compliments are iffy. I don't like people at work making comments about my body or looks. It just makes me feel uncomfortable.

I had a guy once compliment my body. There was a female manager in the room, and she shot me a nasty look. I really got irritated at the guy. I don't think he realized how that only feeds tension between women in the workplace. It also was inappropriate of him. The female manager should have shot him the nasty look, though, because he was the one acting inappropriately. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't even where form-fitting clothing. I actually go out of my way not to where things that emphasize my body because I just really don't want that attention.

That said, I get equally uncomfortable when women make comments about my body in the context of weight. Usually, it takes the form of a woman being self-deprecating about her weight and then saying something about "you don't have to worry about that" or something along those lines. It just makes me feel weird. I don't know why people feel the need to comment on other people's bodies in the workplace. I never do it.

+1 for both your comments.

Adding: I find looks, smiles and comments on the street flattering as long as they aren't aggressive or creepy (e.g., getting close.enough to.whisper is a.big help no).

[Anonymous]

Flattered. Every woman wants to know she's still got it. Or most anyway. Never flirted back though.

[Anonymous]

I’m flattered. It can also be funny. One time I was 8 months pregnant but holding my raincoat over my stomach. I slowly removed the raincoat. You should have seen his face

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they are a stranger and we're interacting in a natural way ie coffee barista or ticket sales guy or something and we get some flirty banter going then that is flattering and fun.

If I know them then I am immediately uncomfortable as it is less fun and seems more like...dangerous is the wrong word because I'm not tempted to cheat or anything but it feels more disrespectful of the marriage.

Basically casual fun flirtation with someone who is socially normal and charming is fun but anything that verges into 'could be taken seriously' territory changes things.

Yes. As PPs have said, there is a fine line between friendliness (non sexualized; you would act the same even if you were in no way physically attracted to the person) and mild flirting (gently indicating possible sexual interest — note the “gently” and “possible” here!)

I think mild flirting is ok to receive or engage in — even if you are married — without much thought, except not at work. At work, be friendly only, and if you want to flirt, ask the person if they want to hang out with you outside of work. If s/he says yes, then attempt mild flirting on that occasion, if s/he reciprocates, you can escalate, but back off if you don’t get an equal response. If you’re not sure after a few non-work hang outs if escalation is welcomed, you may OUTSIDE OF WORK politely convey your interest and consider the response. Be prepared to back off immediately if the response is negative. Know that if things get awkward or negative and you & the other person cannot work together effectively, then you — the initiator — will have to find a new job. Take it slow.

A similar, slow approach starting with mild flirting is IMO the only surefire respectful way to court a sexual relationship. You can try to speed things up, but you faster you go, the greater the risk that the other party will feel disrespected (at best) or harassed or physically threatened (at worst).

If you want to move fast, ask consent first. I’d rather have a stranger on the metro ask, “Could I tell you something of a blunt sexual nature?” (I would likely decline, but ymmv) than say, “I’d like to have sex with you right now.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ me again. And even compliments are iffy. I don't like people at work making comments about my body or looks. It just makes me feel uncomfortable.

I had a guy once compliment my body. There was a female manager in the room, and she shot me a nasty look. I really got irritated at the guy. I don't think he realized how that only feeds tension between women in the workplace. It also was inappropriate of him. The female manager should have shot him the nasty look, though, because he was the one acting inappropriately. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't even where form-fitting clothing. I actually go out of my way not to where things that emphasize my body because I just really don't want that attention.

That said, I get equally uncomfortable when women make comments about my body in the context of weight. Usually, it takes the form of a woman being self-deprecating about her weight and then saying something about "you don't have to worry about that" or something along those lines. It just makes me feel weird. I don't know why people feel the need to comment on other people's bodies in the workplace. I never do it.

You sound like a pill.

I do not think she sounds like a pill. I feel the same way. I do not need comments about my body size--no matter what size it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they are a stranger and we're interacting in a natural way ie coffee barista or ticket sales guy or something and we get some flirty banter going then that is flattering and fun.

If I know them then I am immediately uncomfortable as it is less fun and seems more like...dangerous is the wrong word because I'm not tempted to cheat or anything but it feels more disrespectful of the marriage.

Basically casual fun flirtation with someone who is socially normal and charming is fun but anything that verges into 'could be taken seriously' territory changes things.

Yes. As PPs have said, there is a fine line between friendliness (non sexualized; you would act the same even if you were in no way physically attracted to the person) and mild flirting (gently indicating possible sexual interest — note the “gently” and “possible” here!)

I think mild flirting is ok to receive or engage in — even if you are married — without much thought, except not at work. At work, be friendly only, and if you want to flirt, ask the person if they want to hang out with you outside of work. If s/he says yes, then attempt mild flirting on that occasion, if s/he reciprocates, you can escalate, but back off if you don’t get an equal response. If you’re not sure after a few non-work hang outs if escalation is welcomed, you may OUTSIDE OF WORK politely convey your interest and consider the response. Be prepared to back off immediately if the response is negative. Know that if things get awkward or negative and you & the other person cannot work together effectively, then you — the initiator — will have to find a new job. Take it slow.

A similar, slow approach starting with mild flirting is IMO the only surefire respectful way to court a sexual relationship. You can try to speed things up, but you faster you go, the greater the risk that the other party will feel disrespected (at best) or harassed or physically threatened (at worst).

If you want to move fast, ask consent first. I’d rather have a stranger on the metro ask, “Could I tell you something of a blunt sexual nature?” (I would likely decline, but ymmv) than say, “I’d like to have sex with you right now.”

This sounds reasonable. You'll miss out on women who think "playing hard to get" is a good strategy. But, good riddance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not always wear my wedding band when engaged in certain work and/or activities; but I am a longtime married woman, and always manage to work that fact into conversations with people I meet.

(I have never cheated throughout our marriage, and would never consider doing so with another person who is married, or otherwise attached, even if I were single/divorced. DH has cheated on me several times, very private information which I do not share.)

I recently attended a party where a very personable and attractive man was also not wearing his wedding band, though he similarly made it clear in our conversation that he has been married for many years. I had never met him before, and neither of our spouses was in attendance.

Surprisingly, because I am generally quite introverted and reserved, we struck up a nice conversation with a very subtle, flirtatious undercurrent (easy conversation, smiles, sustained eye contact, handshakes that lingered, names remembered) that carried on throughout the evening. I definitely felt a little spark or chemistry, and must admit that I found the interaction quite enjoyable.

It might be more appropriate to characterize such interactions as 'genuine human connections', and not necessarily overt flirtations (as they can be rather chaste or old-fashioned in nature); which leave us energized and recharged because such in-person connections are increasingly rare, but oh-so lovely. (Though I do not deceive myself into thinking it was anything 'special', as successful men often make a habit of winning people over with their charm.)

After I wrote this I subsequently heard from another guest some months later that indeed the man I had shared a long conversation with that evening had found me charming (as I did him), and later inquired about me. So my instincts were spot on, there was a nice, mutual flirtation or connection. If I were not married AND he were not either, who knows? But to answer the OP's question, I absolutely enjoy a subtle flirtation in a social setting, it means I've still got it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m flattered. It can also be funny. One time I was 8 months pregnant but holding my raincoat over my stomach. I slowly removed the raincoat. You should have seen his face

Even sexier... Love pregnant women!

[Anonymous]

Sure, it’s an ego boost...but I also find it semi sleazy if I’m wearing my wedding ring (I don’t always wear it due to my line of work). Also when I have my kid with me, it’s strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men should not flirt with a woman unless they have affirmative consent. Telling a woman you like her earrings is mysoginistic and a form of sexual assault. #metoo

Stop ruining it for all of us. Ugh. If he’s hot yes I’d like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men should not flirt with a woman unless they have affirmative consent. Telling a woman you like her earrings is mysoginistic and a form of sexual assault. #metoo

Stop ruining it for all of us. Ugh. If he’s hot yes I’d like it.

Your brief ego boost is not worth the trade off. It's mostly pushy ugly guys giving unsolicited comments about women's appearance. So there is more downside than upside. Just shut down that whole line of conversation unless someone asks for it.

[Anonymous]

If at work, I find it offensive. I work in a male dominated environment and I want to be recognized for my accomplishments not my ass.

[Anonymous]

Flattered if the guy seems normal or is attractive. A weird creeper, then no. I’m 47 though so it’s rare that random cute men are flirting with me.