Pre-Teen is resentful of how much I work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, all teens want things last minute. That doesn't mean they should/need to get their way. I've seen families where the teens only do activities if they can get themselves there ... no sports teams unless they bike, learn themselves about the city bus schedule .. etc. I know families where teens don't see one of the parents for months. It happens. All families are different. Kids are very resilient. Let your preteen express themselves, to a point, but you do not have to put up with disrespect.

Kids aren't that resilient, it is more often it takes a few years to see the damage. There are an awful lot of people in therapy or who should be in therapy due to their childhood and adolescence.

I know a young women who tried to kill herself in her early twenties and the source of her distress was not feeling loved or enough to her parents. Both had high powered careers and had little time for her. During adolescence she tried to e perfect and get their attention and approval. She looked like she was resilient but she wasn't. By college, she started to accept the reality that she would always be down the list of her parent's priorities and she ended up very depressed.

It is common for kids to smile and just truck on until at some point they can't and fall apart.

+1
I have a good friend whose parents would never get up with her when she was in school. She was left to make her own breakfast and get herself to the bus stop. She'd have to sneak into their room to find some lunch money if there wasn't anything to make for lunch. Both parents worked high-level, executive jobs. She has never stopped feeling neglected, and I don't blame her one bit. As a consequence, she is an excellent mother to her kids. She knows what it's like to be last on the priority list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm shocked at all the comments which blame the mom for working. How the hell are they suppose to support 3 kids if they don't work and you have no right to judge how many kids they have. I feel like kids of this age and this "class" are a bit too entitled. When my child tells me they need something last minute I tell them no. Learn to plan ahead, I'm not your maid or your nanny. Even if I do have the time I refuse to do anything last minute and I don't like to buy them stuff even though I do tend to give in. I grew up poor and I never saw my mom because she worked constantly to put me through private school. I never questioned why she had to work or asked her for anything other than what was necessary.. and most times not even that. I knew we just didn't have the money. To be honest, my kids piss me off sometimes with everything that they have. They don't know how good they have it and they are not grateful when you give them everything they ask for.

You must not have read the OP very carefully. She and/or her husband could easily scale back or have a SAHP. Money is not the issue. In fact, she's mentioned throwing money at the "problem" of having to spend more time with her child. She's thinking of hiring someone to do all the inconvenient parenting for her. What about this aren't you getting? OP's situation is nothing at all like yours/your mom's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've set your priorities, and she knows where she falls. I'm also curious to know where the other parent is in this, and why that parent can't do these things for her. After all, if you're working those kinds of hours, you sure as hell had better be sufficiently well compensated to afford a second car so that everyone else in the family isn't held hostage to your work schedule.

This. I hope you start to recognize this.

Scale back the job.
That's what 99% of us did.
If one of us has the "BIG" job (long hours, stress, consistent evening work, and/or travel) the other one scales back to a 9-5.
I live in NW DC and almost everyone I know (about 100 families) has this arrangement.

This. I would NOT work if i couldnt be thwre for my kids. Why even have them if yiu cant be there for them

These poor kids have 2 parents who care more about their jobs than them. At the very least the OP needs to hire a long term loving and attentive nanny who can act as a surrogate parent.

[Anonymous]

I'm an in-house counsel because I enjoy being with my kids and they need me to be there for them. OP, you think your kids need you now, wait until they are in upper middle school and high school. Your daughter may seek out the wrong people and things because you and your husband do not give her enough attention. You don't sacrifice your time and she doesn't seem to be involved in extracurriculars like sports or music. She may seek out strangers on the internet. Don't risk her seeking out others for attention. You only get one chance to spend time with and raise your children. The time will pass quickly and they will look back with resentment. My mother was away working a lot and didn't have time to take me places. I felt closer to some of her friends who took me to ballet and tennis lessons. When I had my kids, twins, I could tell she was at a loss. She would actually call her friends to help her babysit her own grandchildren. I knew not to call her much. My mother had many good qualities but she lost the opportunity to bond with me as a child growing up. I had a lot of idle time, with no parents at home after school, and lost my virginity at 14. My girl twin is 14 and I can't imagine that happening to her because she's too busy with sports, scouting and other activities. Plus, her dad and I are around or with her and her brother most of the time. Don't let that happen, OP. You or your husband need to make some career changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm shocked at all the comments which blame the mom for working. How the hell are they suppose to support 3 kids if they don't work and you have no right to judge how many kids they have. I feel like kids of this age and this "class" are a bit too entitled. When my child tells me they need something last minute I tell them no. Learn to plan ahead, I'm not your maid or your nanny. Even if I do have the time I refuse to do anything last minute and I don't like to buy them stuff even though I do tend to give in. I grew up poor and I never saw my mom because she worked constantly to put me through private school. I never questioned why she had to work or asked her for anything other than what was necessary.. and most times not even that. I knew we just didn't have the money. To be honest, my kids piss me off sometimes with everything that they have. They don't know how good they have it and they are not grateful when you give them everything they ask for.

Thr majority of us support 3 kids without having children that have tp beg us to have a family meal and without keepingboir kids in daycare until 630pm. These kids dont need more money and dont need to wven go to target. They need parents who love them and dont treat them like an accessory.

The OP and her husband suck and their kids know it, we know it. I hope with their mountain of money, they are saving for thearapy.

And another thing, i bet when these kids grow up they will have absolutely no attachment to their parents. The OP will grow old all alone, comforted only by their bank account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be the voice of decent here and say your daughter is being an entitled brat.

She's 12 , she's cap;e of a small amount of planning ahead , so you pick one night a week that's for shopping or dinner at friends, that needs to be cleared ahead of time you decide how much advance notice you need. If she complies with that make every effort to say yes.

If she doesn't Tough cookies.

Sound reasonable on paper, but real life doesn't work this way for the kid or a lawyer. That one set aside day will inevitably be the day when XYZ client matters blow up and OP will have to say no anyway. And 12 year olds forget things, and other kids will try to make plans last minute even if OP tries to make her daughters' friends fit her schedule.

This is the reality for lawyers in firms. You need someone else on call to be the "doer" for your kids. This is also why there are a lot of people who used to be lawyers.

Agreed. I know some people who make it work with two big law parents, but they also have a team of nannies to cover everything, including the evening Target runs, so that their kids' needs don't fall through the cracks. You can't have two people working those hours, cheap out on standard daycare hours and one car, and expect that there won't be consequences to that.

Hate to break it to you, but if you have to rely on a team of nannies to parent your children then your kids are definitely falling through the cracks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an in-house counsel because I enjoy being with my kids and they need me to be there for them. OP, you think your kids need you now, wait until they are in upper middle school and high school. Your daughter may seek out the wrong people and things because you and your husband do not give her enough attention. You don't sacrifice your time and she doesn't seem to be involved in extracurriculars like sports or music. She may seek out strangers on the internet. Don't risk her seeking out others for attention. You only get one chance to spend time with and raise your children. The time will pass quickly and they will look back with resentment. My mother was away working a lot and didn't have time to take me places. I felt closer to some of her friends who took me to ballet and tennis lessons. When I had my kids, twins, I could tell she was at a loss. She would actually call her friends to help her babysit her own grandchildren. I knew not to call her much. My mother had many good qualities but she lost the opportunity to bond with me as a child growing up. I had a lot of idle time, with no parents at home after school, and lost my virginity at 14. My girl twin is 14 and I can't imagine that happening to her because she's too busy with sports, scouting and other activities. Plus, her dad and I are around or with her and her brother most of the time. Don't let that happen, OP. You or your husband need to make some career changes.

+1,000,000
I, too had parents who were too busy for me growing up. Now, as an adult, they are retired and suddenly want to spend time with me and my kids. Unfortunately, that's not how life works. I am now not interested in helping them make up for all those years when I was their very last priority. I also don't think they have a clue how to be grandparents. So we rarely see them. That's what happens when parents decide their careers are their top priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be the voice of decent here and say your daughter is being an entitled brat.

She's 12 , she's cap;e of a small amount of planning ahead , so you pick one night a week that's for shopping or dinner at friends, that needs to be cleared ahead of time you decide how much advance notice you need. If she complies with that make every effort to say yes.

If she doesn't Tough cookies.

Sound reasonable on paper, but real life doesn't work this way for the kid or a lawyer. That one set aside day will inevitably be the day when XYZ client matters blow up and OP will have to say no anyway. And 12 year olds forget things, and other kids will try to make plans last minute even if OP tries to make her daughters' friends fit her schedule.

This is the reality for lawyers in firms. You need someone else on call to be the "doer" for your kids. This is also why there are a lot of people who used to be lawyers.

Agreed. I know some people who make it work with two big law parents, but they also have a team of nannies to cover everything, including the evening Target runs, so that their kids' needs don't fall through the cracks. You can't have two people working those hours, cheap out on standard daycare hours and one car, and expect that there won't be consequences to that.

Hate to break it to you, but if you have to rely on a team of nannies to parent your children then your kids are definitely falling through the cracks.

THIS. It's pathetic that it even needs to be spelled out.

[Anonymous]

OP, all teens want things last minute. That doesn't mean they should/need to get their way. I've seen families where the teens only do activities if they can get themselves there ... no sports teams unless they bike, learn themselves about the city bus schedule .. etc. I know families where teens don't see one of the parents for months. It happens. All families are different. Kids are very resilient. Let your preteen express themselves, to a point, but you do not have to put up with disrespect.

I'm this poster and I am an adult. I do not resent one or both of my parents for their busy lives. I did not need therapy or suffer emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an attorney and I have an extremely demanding job. Do avoid working weekends I often am working until 12-1am on weeknights. My 12yr old DD(who is a night owl as well) gets very upset if she asks me at 7pm last min to run to target for poster board and I tell her I can't or wants to go to a friend's house after dance practice and me to pick her up at 8pm and it just isn't possible. I spend my entire weekend running the kids do various activities, special outings, play dates. I just can't make it work all the time in the evenings. She has become very passive aggressive lately saying things like "I was going to ask you if can eat dinner at __ place but it's pointless since you'll say no." The problem is she always tells me these things last minute, we only have 1 car, and I have 2 young boys as well. I don't always say no but I just can't always accommodate these weekday requests.

We have two cars, one other child, and neither of us have an extremely demanding job. And yet neither of us would drop everything to do these things for a 12 year old who demands them last minute.

To state the obvious: this is not about your job or how much you work.

This is about your DD needing to learn there are boundaries. She is not the only one who matters in your family. Nor is she entitled to everything she wants, whenever she wants it.

This is true if you spend your evenings sitting on your butt on the couch eating bon-bons . . . and it is also true if you spend your evenings working at home.

Your daughter needs to grow the f*ck up. The world does not revolve around her. Never has. Never will.

And you need to let go of any guilt or conflict you're feeling inside about "working too much". Maybe you don't feel any (if so, good for you!), but if you do, be well aware that she's picking up on it and using it to manipulate you into doing her bidding. Not a good dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Who are these parents are who drop everything to run to Target at night because their middle schooler didn't plan ahead and now needs something last minute?

Are you the same parents who predict OP is screwing up her kids "by working too much"?

Seems to me a 12 year old is more than old enough to understand -- and experience -- the consequences of her own choices and actions.

If she fails to plan and leaves things to the last minute, she is out of luck. Let her go in to school the next day and work it out with the teacher. Next time she'll likely plan and communicate more appropriately about what she needs and when.

By the way, my 9 year old gets this completely.

She's in fourth grade, and she knows it's her responsibility to write assignments in her planner and share them with us when she needs help (like supplies from Target). Nothing is ever last minute because she stays on top of it. In part because she learned long ago that she's responsible for her actions -- not me, and not DH.

Our role is to love her, listen to her, support her, experience life with her etc. Not to be at her beck and call, and not to bail her out with "emergency" Target runs at night because she forgot that she needs poster board or god knows what else for the following morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP, all teens want things last minute. That doesn't mean they should/need to get their way. I've seen families where the teens only do activities if they can get themselves there ... no sports teams unless they bike, learn themselves about the city bus schedule .. etc. I know families where teens don't see one of the parents for months. It happens. All families are different. Kids are very resilient. Let your preteen express themselves, to a point, but you do not have to put up with disrespect.

I'm this poster and I am an adult. I do not resent one or both of my parents for their busy lives. I did not need therapy or suffer emotionally.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She would get short thrift from me. In my house my kids don't get to order Mom around, especially for last-minute supplies or requests for playdate pick-ups. They can request several days in advance, politely, and I will make it work or discuss an alternative with them. Last minute things just DO NOT happen.

And I don't even work long hours, OP. I just don't think children should treat their parents that way.

Yes. Another voice of sanity!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are these parents are who drop everything to run to Target at night because their middle schooler didn't plan ahead and now needs something last minute?

Are you the same parents who predict OP is screwing up her kids "by working too much"?

Seems to me a 12 year old is more than old enough to understand -- and experience -- the consequences of her own choices and actions.

If she fails to plan and leaves things to the last minute, she is out of luck. Let her go in to school the next day and work it out with the teacher. Next time she'll likely plan and communicate more appropriately about what she needs and when.

By the way, my 9 year old gets this completely.

She's in fourth grade, and she knows it's her responsibility to write assignments in her planner and share them with us when she needs help (like supplies from Target). Nothing is ever last minute because she stays on top of it. In part because she learned long ago that she's responsible for her actions -- not me, and not DH.

Our role is to love her, listen to her, support her, experience life with her etc. Not to be at her beck and call, and not to bail her out with "emergency" Target runs at night because she forgot that she needs poster board or god knows what else for the following morning.

Everyone agrees no one needs to be at her beck and call. But to love her, listen to her, support her and experience life with her, the parent actually has to be there. That is what OPs daughter is really saying. She needs a parent present in her life to e experiencing life with her. She needs someone who has te time to listen and support her. All those things take time and if you work to 12 or 1 am, you have no time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are these parents are who drop everything to run to Target at night because their middle schooler didn't plan ahead and now needs something last minute?

Are you the same parents who predict OP is screwing up her kids "by working too much"?

Seems to me a 12 year old is more than old enough to understand -- and experience -- the consequences of her own choices and actions.

If she fails to plan and leaves things to the last minute, she is out of luck. Let her go in to school the next day and work it out with the teacher. Next time she'll likely plan and communicate more appropriately about what she needs and when.

By the way, my 9 year old gets this completely.

She's in fourth grade, and she knows it's her responsibility to write assignments in her planner and share them with us when she needs help (like supplies from Target). Nothing is ever last minute because she stays on top of it. In part because she learned long ago that she's responsible for her actions -- not me, and not DH.

Our role is to love her, listen to her, support her, experience life with her etc. Not to be at her beck and call, and not to bail her out with "emergency" Target runs at night because she forgot that she needs poster board or god knows what else for the following morning.

Everyone agrees no one needs to be at her beck and call. But to love her, listen to her, support her and experience life with her, the parent actually has to be there. That is what OPs daughter is really saying. She needs a parent present in her life to e experiencing life with her. She needs someone who has te time to listen and support her. All those things take time and if you work to 12 or 1 am, you have no time

Exactly. It's clear there are some posters who want to insist the only problem here is that OP's daughter asked for supplies at the last minute and should have planned ahead. That's the LEAST of OP's issues. The actual problem is that neither OP nor her husband are around - ever. And when they are home, they are immersed in work. The daughter has learned that she can't rely on her parents, she can't ask to go out to dinner as a family, and she can't ask them to take her to friends' houses. Why? Because both parents have *chosen* work over parenting. And that's the crux of the matter. Not some stupid poster board run.