How do I talk about this with the kids?

[Anonymous]

I only asked for advice on framing this for the kids. Some of you gave sensible input, for which I thank them. I am not asking for input into anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the current status and relationship with the Mother of your husband's out-of-wedlock child?
Romantic?
Civil?
Drama-filled?
Over?

If the latter, you could legally adopt the child, lay down the law in your house, and move on.
Otherwise, divorce and move on.
Lastly, do nothing and buckle up for decades of issues with the other mom, child, your husband, finance, and your actual two children.

What to tell the children? Nothing. This is too big of a shitty situation, there is nothing good to say whatsoever. If you or your husband are saying something good, it is spin and a lie. It will bite you in your ass for years to come as your children develop their sense of truth, morals and right from wrong.

Don't think you can adopt a child without her parents giving her up first. Why would her mom relinquish custody?

Depends if situation. If she's unfit. Also seen it happen where mom was workaholic CIA type. Lost all custody when the dad remarried. was hellish process but he got the daughter.

[Anonymous]

I my have missed this but what is the status of the other mom/lover? Do they all get together and do family stuff in secret, and now with OP's kids?

[Anonymous]

I may have missed this earlier in this very long thread but are there cultural reasons for why a divorce is not on the cards? Or financial ones?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I may have missed this earlier in this very long thread but are there cultural reasons for why a divorce is not on the cards? Or financial ones?

It's possible and there are no particular cultural or financial reasons, no more than in any average marriage. We just decided not to divorce. We would rather stay married.

[Anonymous]

So the family is two moms, one dad and three kids (2 from one mom, one from the other)? Just keep telling your kids that. Redefine family and family values.

[Anonymous]

I just feel very sorry for you, OP, and you have my sympathy. It's a terrible position you have been put in. However, please do not tell yourself you are making an "empowered decision." You are staying in your marriage because of fear of the unknown (life outside of your marriage, what would happen to your children if you change their current way of life, etc.). It is that fear that is keeping you where you are, not empowerment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just feel very sorry for you, OP, and you have my sympathy. It's a terrible position you have been put in. However, please do not tell yourself you are making an "empowered decision." You are staying in your marriage because of fear of the unknown (life outside of your marriage, what would happen to your children if you change their current way of life, etc.). It is that fear that is keeping you where you are, not empowerment.

It's the love of cliches that made you post that comment, not sympathy.

[Anonymous]

OP you're trying to rationalize a situation that for the vast majority would only be leading to an immediate divorce.

I suspect it's because you knew your husband was a lying bastard when you married him and that you did expect something like this to happen. As such you are not going to find sympathy from me. It is your life and your choice and you would not be the first marriage like this.

As for your kids, there is nothing you can do other than honesty. It will be up to the kids to decide how they judge this as time goes on. They may go with the flow and be laid back about this as they age, or not. Be warned that they might end up judging you as much as they judge their father. I certainly know people who heavily criticized their mother for putting up with dickhead husbands or cheating husbands and stayed in loveless marriages because of $$$.

It is your life, your decision. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

At your kids age, you only explain that it is a sibling and point out that all families are different. As they get older acknowledge that thier situation is different than most.

At some point, ypu are going to have to acknowledge that daddy made a baby with another mom. Again, I think the key is that it is not typical, but it does not mean that they should love thier sibling any less.

As they get older, they will figure it out. If you can afford it, family therapy is probably a good idea.

[Anonymous]

I'm going pose an idea that is a bit unusual. Why not let your couples therapist write the script and make YOUR DH tell the truth to the kids if/when they begin to ask? With you there, of course, so you may be part of the discussion. My thought is this: you are not responsible for how he is perceived since the explanation will be from him, it is somewhat punitive to have to explain his poor choices to his own children, and you will effectively be following the model of letting him foster the relationship between all 3 of the children. He's going to have to tell that little girl, too, at some point. If your kids end up resenting him after this conversation that he takes ownership of, it will be because of his words and his actions, not yours. You can have a follow up conversation with your kids, and should to tailor your part of the narrative, but having him tell the kids and explain how they have a half-sister gives him the ultimate responsibility, accountability, and ownership since HE created this extraordinarily difficult situation for your kids and your family.

If you are not willing to do that, then I would consider going the route of keeping it as factual and simple as you possibly can and tell them yourself. Wish I had more advice and wish you luck.

[Anonymous]

I agree your DH should man up and explain it himself to the kids in such a way that you agree with it and it satisfies your needs. Also I would not allow the half sister to be called the sister, and would only refer to her as the half sister since that's what she is. The kids need to understand the situation for what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't even know if this is the right forum for this question but I can't think of a better fit.

My DH had a long-term affair that resulted in a daughter. She is four, and our children together are six and two. I found out a few months ago and so far we are not planning to divorce. This has been a wild and emotional ride for me but my question is not about this right now.

He is quite involved in her life and sees her twice a week or so. He has also been getting our son together with the girl regularly because he felt siblings must know each other. I do not prevent him from seeing his daughter, and have allowed my son to continue seeing her on the condition that her mother is never around my children. They see each other at least once a week. My DH is a very involved father with our kids, he is a good dad.

So far he didn't explain/discuss with our son how this girl came to be, he just told him that "this is your sister", and since this has started a few years ago, I think my son has just taken this for granted. However, I believe that eventually he will put two and two together, and I think we should figure out a way to talk about this with our kids that doesn't denigrate either their half-sister or their father. I don't want to just present this as a fait accomplit, I want my children to understand that cheating is wrong but I just feel completely helpless and unequipped to step around this minefield. I don't want my children, and especially my daughter (who is now 2) to learn this is normal or this is how men are allowed to behave. Things are what they are, the kids aren't going away. How do I talk about this?

I would like some advice from those of you who have been in this situation as kids, or someone who had something like this happen in the family. How would you have liked the adults in the family frame this for you? What is the fair way to talk about this that makes clear that cheating is wrong, but does not take it out on the half-sibling or make their father look like a piece of crap?

My situation was almost the same growing up. My father had a kid before he left the house for good when I was 8. He introduced his child to my siblings and I at a visit. My mother wasn't aware he did that until after the fact. She flipped. I was around 10 when that happened. I remember asking a lot of questions. She didn't offer the juicy goods but gave age appropriate responses. It wasn't until I was 16 when she dished the dirt. I never looked at him the same since. We had an ok relationship into adulthood but I don't miss him now that he's deceased. I don't look down at my mother for trying to make things work after she found out he fathered a child. And I don't accept or think it's normal that he did that to our family. But I grew up with half siblings and after he passed away, we haven't spoken since- he was our only bond.

[Anonymous]

Wow, thank you, PP. This is OP. So am I getting this right - your parents divorced when you were 8, and then, when you were 10, your father introduced you to your half-sibling without telling your mother that this half-sibling exists first?

What was the story your mom told you, when she did tell you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, thank you, PP. This is OP. So am I getting this right - your parents divorced when you were 8, and then, when you were 10, your father introduced you to your half-sibling without telling your mother that this half-sibling exists first?

What was the story your mom told you, when she did tell you?

I concluded my father was a selfish bastard. He was a functioning alcoholic, gambled, and he cheated on her. She knew about the child before he left and didn't tell my siblings and I but was none too happy when my father told us she existed. My mother still tried to make the marriage work. His love child is 7 years younger than me but he left when I was 8- so she was conceived when I was around 6. What's so interesting is, when he was alive, I had 2 siblings when I was with or around my mother and my mother's side of the family. When I was with or around my father and his side of the family I had 5 siblings. That was to protect and respect my mother's feelings. But now, as an adult, I have 2 siblings. Period. Like I said, we no longer speak.