New boyfriend, has a child he never sees.

[Anonymous]

He is a guy who has proven he can turn his back on his child and never feel bad about it or muster the desire to make the effort. That's just poor character. I wouldn't wish him ill but I would make it known that's not a person I could risk giving my kids as a father. He might be sweet now but man, something like this is so indicative of low character and sense of duty that I just couldn't look past it. You don't want to get so deep you start finding out how messed up this situation really is or have kids he can equally bail on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy perspective here: Mother runs off to another state and takes his child with her. He has no control over this, but he does the right thing and pays child support. Mother establishes new life and child is in stable situation. He doesn't want to interfere with that.

I can see the logic in that, especially from a guy who hasn't raised a child yet. Once you do (as most of us here have), it seems unfathomable, but I totally could understand that logic before I had children. It's difficult for men to bond with a baby in the first year anyway (I know from experience), so he may not have had much opportunity to develop a bond with the baby before his girlfriend moved her away.

Yes, I agree. (And I'm a woman)

I agree, too.

I also agree with the poster who said its unreal how sanctimonious some of you are when every other post on here is about a guy who doesn't step up and do his half of the parenting work. Look in the mirror, people.

[Anonymous]

Its sanctimonious to call out a guy for being a shitty dad to a kid he created? You really want to stand on that side of the argument?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy perspective here: Mother runs off to another state and takes his child with her. He has no control over this, but he does the right thing and pays child support. Mother establishes new life and child is in stable situation. He doesn't want to interfere with that.

I can see the logic in that, especially from a guy who hasn't raised a child yet. Once you do (as most of us here have), it seems unfathomable, but I totally could understand that logic before I had children. It's difficult for men to bond with a baby in the first year anyway (I know from experience), so he may not have had much opportunity to develop a bond with the baby before his girlfriend moved her away.

But once he's in his thirties and the kid is older than an infant, he *knows* he should see her. Even if he still doesn't feel a connection, he knows he has to at leafy work on making a connection with his DD, because she needs it.

You all seem to have some incredibly romantic vision of children, teenagers, young adults reuniting with their biological mothers or fathers miles away, years later.
Sounds like a big PITA to me, for both the kid and the biological contributor.

Most adoptees rue the day they get that email, letter or visitor stating they are their biological parent, make some time for me. Some make it work, most do not. Life is very busy, both sides have to want it, but if you are not wanted somewhere, you make the best of it elsewhere.

The daughter is 11. Pretty sure she would like to at least try having a dad in her life--do you even have kids? Also, what 11-yr-old is "too busy" for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Most adoptees rue the day they get that email, letter or visitor stating they are their biological parent, make some time for me. Some make it work, most do not. Life is very busy, both sides have to want it, but if you are not wanted somewhere, you make the best of it elsewhere.

Do you actually know any adoptees, let alone most of them?

Why, then, do you think so many adoptees go through so much to search out their biological roots? I doubt that those who don't choose not to because they are too 'busy'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I have a husband who is kind of like that.
He divorced when his kid was 6, at first they lived close and he woukd see her every week, then he moved across country and now it's skype maybe once every several months and annual visits, plus of course child support and gifts.
Now, he may not be the best dad to our 6 yo, but he plays with him, can stay with him on a weekend, take him out to a museum and such. He doesn't do pick up or drop off, he doesn't know what to cook for the kid (usually they eat out when they are without me), he doesn't know all those little parenting things like his friends' names or how to pack his lunch, but I am ok with it. I am not a fan of his parenting ideas and it's for the better frankly that he is not taking much part. He provides and babysits, can teach him an occasional skill, I am cool with it.
Now, I do love the fact that I only see my stepD once a year, and that I don't need to deal with all the blended family stuff.

It's not a problem until you guys split up and he's not at all interested in your kids. It's alright, though, because future wife will be happy not to have to deal with all the blended family stuff also.

[Anonymous]

If the guy had an character he'd be making several visits a year to a hotel near the kid just to take her out to dinner or a movie. If he can afford 3.5k per month in CS then he could afford that.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if OP is still reading, but I would say that you should hear more from your BF before you judge him.

My DH has a child with this ex who moved to a small town a 4 hr drive away after she remarried a few years ago, when DSC was 8. DH is specialized enough that he could not easily find work in this other city, if he could find work at all. He did not move with his ex.

DH has a very demanding job, and works a lot of hours, so he can't go visit DSC as often (every other weekend) like he would like, and there is no flight or transportation DSC can take alone, so one parent has to pick him up for visitation and ex refuses to drive him, even half-way. The ex has also enrolled DSC in summer sleep-away camp, so we don't get long summer visits, just a week or two and winter or spring break.

DH calls DSC daily, visits regularly and tries to stay involved. It was awful for DH the first year after DSC moved, because he had been a fairly involved father and he really missed him. I am sure it was also difficult for DSC, but now everyone has adjusted (it's been 5 years) and it is more normal.

I know both DSC and my DH are really happy to see each other when DSC does visit, but I feel like we are disrupting DSC's life when he visits us - DSC misses his activities, friends, routine, etc. I think that on balance it is better for DSC and DH to have a relationship with DH, but maintaining the relationship with DH means that DSC has to sacrifice in other ways which are unfair to any child.

My DH has 5 years living full-time with DSC, and then 3 more years living in the same area to bond. If you BF didn't have this bonding time living in the same home/area with his DC, it is not as clear-cut as you might think that maintaining a relationship is always in the child's best interest.

[Anonymous]

^

Excuses for another bad dad. My husband did whatever he had to do to see his son after his divorce. He once drove 7 hours there to watch a basketball game and then drove 7 hours home. YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO TO SEE YOUR KIDS. Some of you new wives want to act like it's totally normal and okay to ditch a kid and see them 1-2x a year. No. It isn't. Mom won't drive halfway? Figure out a way to do it yourself then. There is no excuse for absentee parenting, not even your job. Those of us married to men who devoted tons of time and money to keep up that relationship laugh at the fact any of you buy this "just can't be a dad" BS. THEY DID NOT TRY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm...I opened this prepared to be pretty harsh on him. But I'm not sure it's the case. If the mom has her own life out in California, maybe she really doesn't want him to intrude. Maybe the daughter doesn't really want an awkward twice a year visit with a guy she barely knows? She may have another man (or woman) in her life that she views as her second parent, and not be really interested in this guy filling that role. I guess I'd need to know more about how he interacts with her. I think if he makes it clear to the daughter that he's there for her if she wants him for something (other than 42K a year), I wouldn't judge him too harshly for this.

+1 My friend's husband has a child from a relationship when he was around 21. He didn't even know about the child for several years, mother moved away, she has her own life there, stepfather fills the dad role, they don't want bio dad involved at all. He respects their boundaries, stays in touch and is there if child (now an adult) wants to connect further but this is the situation mom set up. My friend and her DH have been married 15 years and he's a super-involved dad to their three children.

Good points

My dad -- who has always been an amazing, hands-on, super loving father to me -- had a similar situation. His ex-GF got pregnant but did not want to settle down with him, and ended up marrying someone else and then pressed my dad to relinquish his rights so that her new DH could adopt and legally be a father instead of a stepfather. So my dad did that but still sent money, visited occasionally, and encouraged extended family who lived closer to the ex-girlfriend to maintain a connection with her and my half-sister. My half-sister resents my dad and definitely considers him a deadbeat. From the outside, my dad may look like someone of low character. But in reality he is a terrific dad who did what he thought was best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if OP is still reading, but I would say that you should hear more from your BF before you judge him.

My DH has a child with this ex who moved to a small town a 4 hr drive away after she remarried a few years ago, when DSC was 8. DH is specialized enough that he could not easily find work in this other city, if he could find work at all. He did not move with his ex.

DH has a very demanding job, and works a lot of hours, so he can't go visit DSC as often (every other weekend) like he would like, and there is no flight or transportation DSC can take alone, so one parent has to pick him up for visitation and ex refuses to drive him, even half-way. The ex has also enrolled DSC in summer sleep-away camp, so we don't get long summer visits, just a week or two and winter or spring break.

DH calls DSC daily, visits regularly and tries to stay involved. It was awful for DH the first year after DSC moved, because he had been a fairly involved father and he really missed him. I am sure it was also difficult for DSC, but now everyone has adjusted (it's been 5 years) and it is more normal.

I know both DSC and my DH are really happy to see each other when DSC does visit, but I feel like we are disrupting DSC's life when he visits us - DSC misses his activities, friends, routine, etc. I think that on balance it is better for DSC and DH to have a relationship with DH, but maintaining the relationship with DH means that DSC has to sacrifice in other ways which are unfair to any child.

My DH has 5 years living full-time with DSC, and then 3 more years living in the same area to bond. If you BF didn't have this bonding time living in the same home/area with his DC, it is not as clear-cut as you might think that maintaining a relationship is always in the child's best interest.

This seems really different from OP's boyfriend.
1. Your DH has contact, lots of it, with his child
2. Your DH is clearly making an effort.

Your DH's efforts most likely mean the world to his son. His son almost certainly realizes that missing a few play dates every few months is nothing compared to the effort his dad is putting in. You write this like the dad is expendable and is just annoying his kid. You don't understand at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm...I opened this prepared to be pretty harsh on him. But I'm not sure it's the case. If the mom has her own life out in California, maybe she really doesn't want him to intrude. Maybe the daughter doesn't really want an awkward twice a year visit with a guy she barely knows? She may have another man (or woman) in her life that she views as her second parent, and not be really interested in this guy filling that role. I guess I'd need to know more about how he interacts with her. I think if he makes it clear to the daughter that he's there for her if she wants him for something (other than 42K a year), I wouldn't judge him too harshly for this.

+1 My friend's husband has a child from a relationship when he was around 21. He didn't even know about the child for several years, mother moved away, she has her own life there, stepfather fills the dad role, they don't want bio dad involved at all. He respects their boundaries, stays in touch and is there if child (now an adult) wants to connect further but this is the situation mom set up. My friend and her DH have been married 15 years and he's a super-involved dad to their three children.

Good points

My dad -- who has always been an amazing, hands-on, super loving father to me -- had a similar situation. His ex-GF got pregnant but did not want to settle down with him, and ended up marrying someone else and then pressed my dad to relinquish his rights so that her new DH could adopt and legally be a father instead of a stepfather. So my dad did that but still sent money, visited occasionally, and encouraged extended family who lived closer to the ex-girlfriend to maintain a connection with her and my half-sister. My half-sister resents my dad and definitely considers him a deadbeat. From the outside, my dad may look like someone of low character. But in reality he is a terrific dad who did what he thought was best.

I meant to say he was a "terrific dad" to me. He was not a terrific dad to my half-sister, but he did what he thought was best. Would I have handled it differently? Perhaps. But it doesn't mean he is a terrible or immoral person who is incapable of being a good father. Maybe he learned from his mistakes...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If an "established relationship" exists that he doesn't want to "interfere" with its because he created that by not being involved. Yes mom and daughter are probably tight and have a dynamic that doesn't factor him in because it's been clear for years he has no intention of being involved. He doesn't get to facilitate that dynamic and then use it as an excuse to continue to not be involved.
Listen. NO MOM WANTS their child(ren) to have uninvolved, absentee dads. A loving relationship with both parents is every parent's goal and crucial for healthy development. Just because she's made the best of her situation doesn't mean it was her situation by choice, don't get that twisted.

No ! Just like every mum wants to preserve the family at any cost and not get divorced. Stick to facts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if OP is still reading, but I would say that you should hear more from your BF before you judge him.

My DH has a child with this ex who moved to a small town a 4 hr drive away after she remarried a few years ago, when DSC was 8. DH is specialized enough that he could not easily find work in this other city, if he could find work at all. He did not move with his ex.

DH has a very demanding job, and works a lot of hours, so he can't go visit DSC as often (every other weekend) like he would like, and there is no flight or transportation DSC can take alone, so one parent has to pick him up for visitation and ex refuses to drive him, even half-way. The ex has also enrolled DSC in summer sleep-away camp, so we don't get long summer visits, just a week or two and winter or spring break.

DH calls DSC daily, visits regularly and tries to stay involved. It was awful for DH the first year after DSC moved, because he had been a fairly involved father and he really missed him. I am sure it was also difficult for DSC, but now everyone has adjusted (it's been 5 years) and it is more normal.

I know both DSC and my DH are really happy to see each other when DSC does visit, but I feel like we are disrupting DSC's life when he visits us - DSC misses his activities, friends, routine, etc. I think that on balance it is better for DSC and DH to have a relationship with DH, but maintaining the relationship with DH means that DSC has to sacrifice in other ways which are unfair to any child.

My DH has 5 years living full-time with DSC, and then 3 more years living in the same area to bond. If you BF didn't have this bonding time living in the same home/area with his DC, it is not as clear-cut as you might think that maintaining a relationship is always in the child's best interest.

Your conclusion (that bonding might be a necessary precondition) isn't supported by anything you say in the previous paras. On a separate note, kudos to your DH for trying so hard.

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine having a child in the world and not taking care of her. I wouldn't date this guy if you paid me.