SAH with Older Kids?

[Anonymous]

I stay at home with elementary school kids. Fwiw, while they are at school I go to the gym, meet friends or my mom/sisters for coffee or lunch, ride my horse, and volunteer at a local museum as a docent. I welcome the kids home after school, we eat a snack together and talk about their days, I help with hw, then I drive them to their activities. I honestly feel pretty busy and fulfilled with this, although I am thinking about going back to school for a master's in history at some point. That's if I don't get pregnant with our fourth, which we are trying (but failing) to do. On a day to day basis, I know I am much happier than most of my friends who work because they have to, because they need the money. I think that is true of probably 90% of the work force. My H is one of those oddballs who loves what he does and eventually wants to do it on his own on a freelance basis, so I know they exist. If I could get paid to do my volunteer job and talk to people who are genuinely interested in history for a few hours 2-3 days a week, I would be one too. Alas they can easily get by with volunteers

Anyway, this whole back and forth is puzzling to me. I am pretty satisfied and grateful for my setup. Other ladies in here seem happy with their jobs. I wouldn't dream of telling them to quit or call them bad mothers for refusing to do so. But you're honestly going to tell me I should go back to work and be stressed and tired for...what reason, exactly? Feminism? What is wrong with being a caregiver? Why do we devalue this work? We're so narrowly focused on money in this country. It's disheartening, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's different for different people. Mine DC is in school from 8.45 am to 6 pm. All the classes and homework is done in aftercare. Takes me 5 minutes to pick DC up and drop him off. I would have 9 hours my time if I stayed home.

You wouldn't send the kid to aftercare if you worked.

That was my thought. So, 8:45 to 3:15.

I guess some working moms can't comprehend that,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO, when they're older, they need the actual parents more -- to look at homework (rather than a nanny or au pair) and talking to them about issue they're facing as tweens or teens. Plus all the driving around to activities.

Worked for us. I have one child at TJ right now and the other is a straight A student. It's not because of the AP helping with homework, it is because they are naturally intelligent and a core family value we have is hard work and goal achievement. Not many parents can look at or correct my boys calculus homework. It was simply checked for completion.

The AP had minimal involvement with "issues they faced" that has been our job. Working for a paycheck does not mean our kids don't share with us. And thr AP driving? That's exactly what she was hired for.

Yes. It is fortunate we can afford an AP. I frankly couldn't imagine getting off work and hauling my kids to all their sports activities. For instance, my one son had practice at 445 yesterday. AP dropped him off, I then got to practice at 5:30 to watch and them pick him up. In thr meantime, AP did some simple meal prep. I got home, finished up dinner and we all ate at 730. Can't imagine the logistics otherwise. I would have had to leave work at 345. My teens are missing nothing by not having me at home between 330-530. I don't need to hover over their homework or personally make them a snack

You are missing things but you don't know that you are. BTW I never outsource driving, you may gravely regret that.

Cool. I don't know that I'm missing them, so I'm not missing anything.

Good on you that you never outsource driving. I'm sure you find is a great bonding experience, I dont.

Actually driving is exactly when my kids open up to me and discuss sensitive things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO, when they're older, they need the actual parents more -- to look at homework (rather than a nanny or au pair) and talking to them about issue they're facing as tweens or teens. Plus all the driving around to activities.

Worked for us. I have one child at TJ right now and the other is a straight A student. It's not because of the AP helping with homework, it is because they are naturally intelligent and a core family value we have is hard work and goal achievement. Not many parents can look at or correct my boys calculus homework. It was simply checked for completion.

The AP had minimal involvement with "issues they faced" that has been our job. Working for a paycheck does not mean our kids don't share with us. And thr AP driving? That's exactly what she was hired for.

Yes. It is fortunate we can afford an AP. I frankly couldn't imagine getting off work and hauling my kids to all their sports activities. For instance, my one son had practice at 445 yesterday. AP dropped him off, I then got to practice at 5:30 to watch and them pick him up. In thr meantime, AP did some simple meal prep. I got home, finished up dinner and we all ate at 730. Can't imagine the logistics otherwise. I would have had to leave work at 345. My teens are missing nothing by not having me at home between 330-530. I don't need to hover over their homework or personally make them a snack

You are missing things but you don't know that you are. BTW I never outsource driving, you may gravely regret that.

Cool. I don't know that I'm missing them, so I'm not missing anything.

Good on you that you never outsource driving. I'm sure you find is a great bonding experience, I dont.

Actually driving is exactly when my kids open up to me and discuss sensitive things.

Mine too! When they were younger, it was right before they fell asleep. Now it's in the car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stay at home with elementary school kids. Fwiw, while they are at school I go to the gym, meet friends or my mom/sisters for coffee or lunch, ride my horse, and volunteer at a local museum as a docent. I welcome the kids home after school, we eat a snack together and talk about their days, I help with hw, then I drive them to their activities. I honestly feel pretty busy and fulfilled with this, although I am thinking about going back to school for a master's in history at some point. That's if I don't get pregnant with our fourth, which we are trying (but failing) to do. On a day to day basis, I know I am much happier than most of my friends who work because they have to, because they need the money. I think that is true of probably 90% of the work force. My H is one of those oddballs who loves what he does and eventually wants to do it on his own on a freelance basis, so I know they exist. If I could get paid to do my volunteer job and talk to people who are genuinely interested in history for a few hours 2-3 days a week, I would be one too. Alas they can easily get by with volunteers

Anyway, this whole back and forth is puzzling to me. I am pretty satisfied and grateful for my setup. Other ladies in here seem happy with their jobs. I wouldn't dream of telling them to quit or call them bad mothers for refusing to do so. But you're honestly going to tell me I should go back to work and be stressed and tired for...what reason, exactly? Feminism? What is wrong with being a caregiver? Why do we devalue this work? We're so narrowly focused on money in this country. It's disheartening, really.

Only people with a lot of money can say they don't care about money. And typically IME it's people who grew up with a lot of money too. "The rich are different form you and me."

[Anonymous]

Just curious. In this area, who is making 250k or more? I am curious what profession you have too lol. It seems like the majority of the people on this message board is making over 150k...I just wonder where all the crazy high paying jobs are? Even as a government employee you are pretty much maxed out at 125k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO, when they're older, they need the actual parents more -- to look at homework (rather than a nanny or au pair) and talking to them about issue they're facing as tweens or teens. Plus all the driving around to activities.

Worked for us. I have one child at TJ right now and the other is a straight A student. It's not because of the AP helping with homework, it is because they are naturally intelligent and a core family value we have is hard work and goal achievement. Not many parents can look at or correct my boys calculus homework. It was simply checked for completion.

The AP had minimal involvement with "issues they faced" that has been our job. Working for a paycheck does not mean our kids don't share with us. And thr AP driving? That's exactly what she was hired for.

Yes. It is fortunate we can afford an AP. I frankly couldn't imagine getting off work and hauling my kids to all their sports activities. For instance, my one son had practice at 445 yesterday. AP dropped him off, I then got to practice at 5:30 to watch and them pick him up. In thr meantime, AP did some simple meal prep. I got home, finished up dinner and we all ate at 730. Can't imagine the logistics otherwise. I would have had to leave work at 345. My teens are missing nothing by not having me at home between 330-530. I don't need to hover over their homework or personally make them a snack

You are missing things but you don't know that you are. BTW I never outsource driving, you may gravely regret that.

Cool. I don't know that I'm missing them, so I'm not missing anything.

Good on you that you never outsource driving. I'm sure you find is a great bonding experience, I dont.

Actually driving is exactly when my kids open up to me and discuss sensitive things.

I woh, and drive my kids to school, home to practice, and all over every weekend. We hardly lack for bonding time in the car because I work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ladies, listen to yourselves. You all sound incredibly insecure about your decisions. If you are so happy with your lifestyle as an "ivy league educated, ex-lawyer" staying home now, why are you so insistent on pointing out to people how great your life is? And why are all of the WOH moms pointing out how they can have it both ways and "outdo" the SAHMs? As always, the truth is in the middle. Staying at home is not all that great. It doesn't make that much of a difference in the long run and puts you at many personal and professional risks. Working is stressful and has drawbacks, and you spend less time with your kids. Either way, the kids are fine, we all know this from looking around at us and seeing well-adjusted happy kids with SAH and working parents. Stop wasting your time trying to make yourself feel better about your life by cutting other people down!

Get off your high horse. OP asked if it got harder to work as kids got older, and people answered honestly both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Most people work bc they have to not because it gives their life meaning so it shouldn't be a surprise that your friends feel spending time with their kids is "living the dream".

+1

I make more money than my spouse, but neither one of us makes enough to support a family in this region - nothing but two full-time jobs would work for us and there hasn't been any money left over for nannies and au pairs.

I don't think it would have been better for my kids if I had been SAH - just different. I probably would have been terrible at it and I actually admire parents who can throw themselves into school volunteering, chauffeuring to 4:00 sports practices, cooking meals, spotless houses, maintaining strict bedtime routines, etc. I'm kind of glad to have an excuse for not being good at any of that stuff! (Yes, yes, I know most WOH moms somehow manage to do all that stuff and work full time but I am not one of those people).

Having done it, it was extremely boring to me, once my kids started school. It is really amazing to me that people yearn to stay at home with older kids, but if you work when your kids are small and come home for the second shift, I can see how some burn out.

Not the least boring for me. My DH is retired so we are now both at home with our rising 4th grader. During the school day, we are free to do whatever we like, golf, tennis, hiking, working out, dine out, shop, movies, volunteer, etc. Our kid has a lot of activities during the week as well as a weekend activity that we travel all over the country for, usually at least one plane trip a month, while the other 2-3 weekends are local. Doubtful most people would choose to work if they did not have to earn a living. It is much more fun to stay at home with an older kid that's for sure!

I disagree. Your life sounds lovely minus the monthly plane ride (sounds awful) but not all of us want a life of leisure. I've worked hard for my career as has my spouse and we are committed to both family and career. My father retired a multimillionaire at 52 and chose to start a new company. Some people are driven to contribute and challenge themselves. Some people volunteer, true, you don't HAVE to have a career but not true that if given the chance all of us would give it up.

DH and I are both Ivy educated attorneys so we both had careers. We prefer our current life.

Well no wonder you wanted to retire young. Attorney is the professional career with the lowest satisfaction. My cousin is a therapist who makes a living working with unhappy lawyers. But if you had a career you were passionate about or even just excited about you might not want to hang it up for golf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO, when they're older, they need the actual parents more -- to look at homework (rather than a nanny or au pair) and talking to them about issue they're facing as tweens or teens. Plus all the driving around to activities.

Worked for us. I have one child at TJ right now and the other is a straight A student. It's not because of the AP helping with homework, it is because they are naturally intelligent and a core family value we have is hard work and goal achievement. Not many parents can look at or correct my boys calculus homework. It was simply checked for completion.

The AP had minimal involvement with "issues they faced" that has been our job. Working for a paycheck does not mean our kids don't share with us. And thr AP driving? That's exactly what she was hired for.

Yes. It is fortunate we can afford an AP. I frankly couldn't imagine getting off work and hauling my kids to all their sports activities. For instance, my one son had practice at 445 yesterday. AP dropped him off, I then got to practice at 5:30 to watch and them pick him up. In thr meantime, AP did some simple meal prep. I got home, finished up dinner and we all ate at 730. Can't imagine the logistics otherwise. I would have had to leave work at 345. My teens are missing nothing by not having me at home between 330-530. I don't need to hover over their homework or personally make them a snack

You are missing things but you don't know that you are. BTW I never outsource driving, you may gravely regret that.

Cool. I don't know that I'm missing them, so I'm not missing anything.

Good on you that you never outsource driving. I'm sure you find is a great bonding experience, I dont.

Actually driving is exactly when my kids open up to me and discuss sensitive things.

I woh, and drive my kids to school, home to practice, and all over every weekend. We hardly lack for bonding time in the car because I work.

And I should add, I am positively giddy that it is my sitter waiting in the long car pool lines at school pick up and not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stay at home with elementary school kids. Fwiw, while they are at school I go to the gym, meet friends or my mom/sisters for coffee or lunch, ride my horse, and volunteer at a local museum as a docent. I welcome the kids home after school, we eat a snack together and talk about their days, I help with hw, then I drive them to their activities. I honestly feel pretty busy and fulfilled with this, although I am thinking about going back to school for a master's in history at some point. That's if I don't get pregnant with our fourth, which we are trying (but failing) to do. On a day to day basis, I know I am much happier than most of my friends who work because they have to, because they need the money. I think that is true of probably 90% of the work force. My H is one of those oddballs who loves what he does and eventually wants to do it on his own on a freelance basis, so I know they exist. If I could get paid to do my volunteer job and talk to people who are genuinely interested in history for a few hours 2-3 days a week, I would be one too. Alas they can easily get by with volunteers

Anyway, this whole back and forth is puzzling to me. I am pretty satisfied and grateful for my setup. Other ladies in here seem happy with their jobs. I wouldn't dream of telling them to quit or call them bad mothers for refusing to do so. But you're honestly going to tell me I should go back to work and be stressed and tired for...what reason, exactly? Feminism? What is wrong with being a caregiver? Why do we devalue this work? We're so narrowly focused on money in this country. It's disheartening, really.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who work for a paycheck, especially those in non professional careers. But not true that most professionals would quit to live the life you lead. Plenty of this people are driven by other things - many just want more money like you say, a lot of people like the prestige, but some feel they are contributing to a greater good. It's great that you want four kids but you know that not every woman wants that. Hell I know a few that don't want any and plenty that stopped at 1.

Agree that you shouldn't have to work if you don't need to and don't want to, but makes you look really insecure to insist that everyone wants your life. I love being a mom but my career is a different kind of satisfaction that my kids don't give me. And that's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not so great paying work from home jobs don't interest me. We don't need the money so why tie up your whole day so you can work in pajamas?

If you have a real full time job, you will not have much time with the kids.

I make $165k as a Fed full-time from home with 5.5 weeks va action and great health benefits and unlimited sick leave.

I also have a "real full time job" making about the same with 6 weeks of vacation and work in my pajamas about 3 days a week. Not a fed. A lot of people work from home some or most of the week, it's not that uncommon. My company is global is so my team is all over, including oversees. Doesn't make sense to go into an office to talk to people another city.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm happy with my choice to SAHM until my youngest were in school. I'm very blessed to have been able to do such, and I realize this. Most of my WOHM friends tell me how lucky I've been.

I now work very part time. When my youngest enter MS I'll look for full time, but they enjoy having me around, and I love hanging out with them after school, during breaks and during the summer. Their friends, whose parents WOH, tell them that they're lucky that their Mom is home.

There's a little of jealously on this board. Stand tall if you're happy with your decision, but don't attack others because they give a different perspective.

Do you need to realize how rude this sounds to women who have to work? Or you so self-involved that you cant even see that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stay at home with elementary school kids. Fwiw, while they are at school I go to the gym, meet friends or my mom/sisters for coffee or lunch, ride my horse, and volunteer at a local museum as a docent. I welcome the kids home after school, we eat a snack together and talk about their days, I help with hw, then I drive them to their activities. I honestly feel pretty busy and fulfilled with this, although I am thinking about going back to school for a master's in history at some point. That's if I don't get pregnant with our fourth, which we are trying (but failing) to do. On a day to day basis, I know I am much happier than most of my friends who work because they have to, because they need the money. I think that is true of probably 90% of the work force. My H is one of those oddballs who loves what he does and eventually wants to do it on his own on a freelance basis, so I know they exist. If I could get paid to do my volunteer job and talk to people who are genuinely interested in history for a few hours 2-3 days a week, I would be one too. Alas they can easily get by with volunteers

Anyway, this whole back and forth is puzzling to me. I am pretty satisfied and grateful for my setup. Other ladies in here seem happy with their jobs. I wouldn't dream of telling them to quit or call them bad mothers for refusing to do so. But you're honestly going to tell me I should go back to work and be stressed and tired for...what reason, exactly? Feminism? What is wrong with being a caregiver? Why do we devalue this work? We're so narrowly focused on money in this country. It's disheartening, really.

Only people with a lot of money can say they don't care about money. And typically IME it's people who grew up with a lot of money too. "The rich are different form you and me."

I disagree. I'm nowhere near rich and am ok with not working for pay at the moment. My son starts school in the fall and people are already asking if I'm going to start working. After being a SAHM for 7 years, I'd like to spend a little time taking care of myself, the house, our lives, etc before jumping into the workforce (if I even can at this point). But I know people will judge me for having too much perceived free time. It's like being busy is a badge of honor around here. So silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm happy with my choice to SAHM until my youngest were in school. I'm very blessed to have been able to do such, and I realize this. Most of my WOHM friends tell me how lucky I've been.

I now work very part time. When my youngest enter MS I'll look for full time, but they enjoy having me around, and I love hanging out with them after school, during breaks and during the summer. Their friends, whose parents WOH, tell them that they're lucky that their Mom is home.

There's a little of jealously on this board. Stand tall if you're happy with your decision, but don't attack others because they give a different perspective.

Do you need to realize how rude this sounds to women who have to work? Or you so self-involved that you cant even see that?

I doubt PP was trying to be rude if she's simply quoting what other kids said. My daughter's friend said the same thing to me. Said she wished she could spend summers with her mom rather than at camp.

I'm sure its hard to hear that if you're working and doing your best to provide for your kids but there is no reason to be angry at other parents for their choices.