Teen puts down my profession
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Anonymous
Her breathing or existing might be making him angry. It's impossible to quell the snark entirely but it's not acceptable to express every stupid mean thought that pops into a teens head. Limits are a part of good parenting. It's time for ' Mr. Critical' to get a clue. No ones doing him any favors by allowing him to treat his mom like crap. |
Anonymous
OP here, RN school was gruelling. There is no other way to describe it. I had classmates who had straight A's fail because they failed clinical. They would have been great nurses but somethings a personality clash with the teacher is all it takes. |
Anonymous
Literally every line of this post is idiotic, starting with you quoting "highly gifted," which nobody said, then, even as you are making fun of something you just made up, claiming it applies to your kids. OP, you didn't do this. He's a mouthing off teenager. Sorry you're going through it. As for advice on how to deal with it, I think I have some perspective, because I was very similar to him at his age. I don't think he's lazy exactly, I think he's scared and nervous. He is scared and nervous because if there's one thing he's been confident of in his life, it is that he is smart. He can do less work than other kids his age and still get questions right and impress teachers. But now he has suddenly reached the age where effort starts to matter as much as natural intelligence. That's scary to him for two reasons: First, he doesn't know how to apply himself, because he never had to before. Second, and more importantly, he now realizes that there's a chance if he tries his hardest he might still mess up. That would entirely challenge his world-view because it calls into question whether he is as smart as he thinks he is, and that's the one thing he knows he has going for him. So now he feels stuck: He'd rather be known as a lazy guy who could totally get great grades if he wanted to than risk being a hard working but dumb kid. (There is a lot of good psychological literature on this, by the way. Psychologists have given kids easy tests, then told one group of parents, after seeing the test results, to praise the kids' effort and the other group to praise the kids' intelligence. They then re-administered much harder tests. The kids who'd been praised for effort handled the adversity well, and the kids who had been praised for intelligence shut down . . . or worse, tried to cheat). So what can you do about it? It will probably take a while to completely address the issue, but I would try a couple things: (1) consistently praise effort, when he applies it; (2) frame his successes as a result of effort (e.g. "I'm proud of you because you worked hard on this" vs. "I'm proud of you because you are so smart); (3) teach him that even people who unquestionably deserve the "smart" label still worked their asses off for their achievements. You may want to see if he's interested in reading Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers, which does a good job of explaining that most famous geniuses engaged in an extreme amount of effort to get where they are. I have a number of criticisms of this book, but its great at teaching this particular point in a way that won't sound like a parent lecturing him Of course, you should obviously shut him down when he's behaving like a brat, but some of the above might help address the problem over the longer term. Good luck, and thank you for all that you do for your patients. |
Anonymous
Even without that kind of craziness, nursing school is really hard. In order to get into my program, you had to have an A average in stats, chemistry and biology, and score very high on the nursing admission test. Then half my class flunked out the first year, because the tests were that hard. The workload is impossible. And yes, if an instructor takes a dislike to you, you are probably out of the program. Nursing school requires a ton of smarts, the ability to handle stress gracefully, and the ability to work really hard. People like PP piss me off. |
Anonymous
He is being an asshole. I grew up with a whole ton of those - 4 brothers. My mom was also a nurse and dad died - is there a dad here Op? Anyway, boys as teens were impossible for my mother without a father. She did the private school route too - the Catholic schools especially will try to set your kid straight for you. Two of my brothers were very mediocre students in high school despite intelligence. I'd say that about several close male friends as well. To the point that they seemed stupid. The parents let them be for the most part - they were provided opportunities but no one rode them to achieve. They went off to colleges. I'm still truly shocked at how they all got their acts together and have thriving successful professional lives. A lot of guys especially are late bloomers when it comes to doing well in school. When they find an end goal that they want they get to it. I am embarrassed to say though that I screamed the same crao at my mother the nurse. It's not that I looked down on her it's that I wanted to be what I wanted to be not what my mom wanted me to be. She was always trying to get me to like things that she liked that were completely incompatible with my abilities or personality and that was the final straw. Also I resented being pushed toward a female oriented profession as if that was the only choice. And I was too young and stupid and irrational to express that of course. It was probably one of the first cross things I said to my mother rather than vice versa - she was strict as hell. |
Anonymous
Really? Did you read the post above from someone with a high IQ who thinks the concept is stupid? I'll second that. I have been tested as having a high IQ and promise I am not jealous of folks who have high IQs. Almost every aspect of the concept of giftedness is asinine. I think IQ tests aren't particularly reliable and are somewhat culturally sensitive. But even if they measure *something* perfectly, what they measure is at best one tiny aspect of what it means to be "smart." And the concept of being a "smart person," even if it could be tested reliably, is of minimal utility. It is much more accurate to say that people are smart at certain things. A high IQ lawyer can be incompetent at basic math. A high IQ doctor can suddenly sound like a moron when she talks about politics. And even if there were a clear such thing as a "gifted person," effort would still matter more, in the vast majority of situations, than intelligence. That's partially because intelligence itself is mostly learned intelligence; a teenager with a 180 IQ is less smart at being an economist than a 40 year old with a 120 IQ and a phd in economics. And its partially because effort simply has more to do with success than smarts. Finally, even if IQ were a totally reliable way of measuring intelligence, and intelligence regularly translated into success, it would still be better to focus on effort over intelligence, because: (a) effort can more readily be practiced; and (b) people who think they are smart make worse choices in the face of adversity than people who think they are hard workers. |
Anonymous
those things are usually said (shouted) in anger, during an argument with a parent. What OP is describing doesn't sound like the teen was angry, just arrogant and entitled, and in response to the OP telling her teen that she expected more of him regarding grades. |
Anonymous
Also - not having a lot is very motivating. Our mom wouldn't even give you 5 bucks for a movie. Nothing. So, if you wanted that stuff you knew you had to work and make something of yourself. I'd cut down on the privileges, OP. Move toward him needing a job to pay for any extras he wants. Start nudging him toward adulthood and taking charge of himself. |
Anonymous
I'm the PP you're responding to. I'm guessing you have little experience with teenagers. It's totally typical. I don't give a rat's ass if/when my teens said they were smarter than me or if I were lazy. Sometimes I AM lazy and I hope they do make more money than me and DH combined. That doesn't mean they don't have to study or that they get out of doing something I've asked them to do. Our expectations of them are clear. I don't care if they tantrum when required to do work, the work still gets done. I don't need them to demonstrate model deportment after being told what to do, I just need them to do it. I don't allow personal attacks (and telling me I'm lazy or that they're smarter than me is not a personal attack) nor do I allow any of them to bully another. You can get all bent out of shape about it but it doesn't work me up. They're little different than toddlers in many ways and as they re-mature and re-learn that tantrums aren't rewarded, they get better. |
Anonymous
+1. OP's kid has more sophisticated insults than your average 14-year-old (He's gifted, after all!), but its still just a tantrum. And recognizing that fact isn't the same thing as shrugging it off, its just informative of how to reach to it. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
Fear ... Now shame.., lord!! How about he said something Stupid and by the look on your face (shock, amazement) he realized it came out wrong or he realized it was insensitive or he realized it was not a funny joke and apologized because it was the right thing to do or because he cares about you... Not that he is scared of jail. |
Anonymous
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Don't nag, but do consider taking your son out of private school.
I went to private school for years, and it is hard not to let your peers attitudes influence you. I think my parents were puzzled why I thought I deserved a lot of different things--in retrospect they were the same things that my private school cohort had and/or got away with. Now I understand my parents better, just wish they had pulled me out and sent me to public school. If they would have pulled me out of private for high school, I think I would have been much more realistic and learned a lot of hard lessons much sooner. When you see everyone around you be handed things they don't earn, you may expect it too. When you see quite a range of outcomes (poorer students, smarter students etc..) you learn to work a bit harder and take advantage of what you have. |
Anonymous
But it is not her breathing that makes him act out its her constant expectations that are unreasoned. It's this always needing to be right that destroys relationships. Just because OP is a parent does not give her a free pass to act in a way that angers family members. She needs to understand her part in this dynamic and fix it. |
Anonymous
NP. What a terrible thing to say! You should be ashamed of yourself for typing that. What kind of person says something like that to another person? You sound like a low-class bully. |