SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail

[Anonymous]

I think the email is a bit much. That said, I think there is a widespread (and unreasonable) expectation that new moms will be up and at em in no time, barring anything life-threatening.

This thread shows how little compassion we have for ourselves and others. Women really do need - and deserve - time to heal, rest, recover, bond with their baby, get the hang of feeding etc. The problem is not her email, the problem is that OP (and others) approach the situation from a perspective of "suck it up" rather than "how can I help?"

Selfish, short-sighted, nasty behavior reigns again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the email is a bit much. That said, I think there is a widespread (and unreasonable) expectation that new moms will be up and at em in no time, barring anything life-threatening.

This thread shows how little compassion we have for ourselves and others. Women really do need - and deserve - time to heal, rest, recover, bond with their baby, get the hang of feeding etc. The problem is not her email, the problem is that OP (and others) approach the situation from a perspective of "suck it up" rather than "how can I help?"

Selfish, short-sighted, nasty behavior reigns again.

I think the "suck it up" responses are in response to the haughty and entitled tone of the email, not just childbirth in general.

[Anonymous]

Yes she needs to heal. She's being over the top though. Asking visitors to volunteer to help with chores? No. A visitation schedule? Lol

I wouldn't' be stopping over until the new mom was more ready for visitors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the email is a bit much. That said, I think there is a widespread (and unreasonable) expectation that new moms will be up and at em in no time, barring anything life-threatening.

This thread shows how little compassion we have for ourselves and others. Women really do need - and deserve - time to heal, rest, recover, bond with their baby, get the hang of feeding etc. The problem is not her email, the problem is that OP (and others) approach the situation from a perspective of "suck it up" rather than "how can I help?"

Selfish, short-sighted, nasty behavior reigns again.

Uh, no. I do not expect new mothers to be up and at-em in no time. I am delighted to help in any way. However, I don't expect to get a pre-emptive email that says 1) I can't bring well children over to see the new baby (all of my kids know only to touch a baby on the foot and only if specifically allowed) 2) I can't hold the baby at all, even if healthy 3) I am expected to run the vacuum cleaner or do some dishes 4) I am expressly forbidden from bringing over some homemade cookies or a bottle of champagne.

You see, this person is making their home completely unwelcoming in every way, which means that even close family and friends are going to stay far, far away. Which means that mom and dad really won't get a break or some much-needed interaction with well-meaning and loving family.

I get it, it's hard, the parents are nervous, etc, etc. But you can go completely off the deep end trying to control everything and wind up completely alone. I'd send a gift and stay completely the hell away from these crazy new parents. What's going to suck later is that she's going to complain bitterly about how nobody helped her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of us who had c-sections and difficulty breastfeeding. I also think it's safe to say that most new moms suffer from exhaustion and incredible emotional mood swings. However, how many people do you that would send out an e-mail like this? Out of the hundreds of moms I know, I can't think of a single one. SIL sounds like a real piece of work! I can't imagine asking anyone- other than someone I hire- to do chores for me. Even if someone asked how they could help, I don't think I'd ask them to do household chores.

OP, I don't pity your SIL, I pity you for having this diva in your life. Hopefully you have sisters (or other SILs) who you can laugh with about this!

Yes, I had c-sections and difficulty bfding. But Op seems really unsympathetic - "Buck up and quit your whining." She sounds sort of like a tough old bird type. Sort of gruff and not very understanding. But maybe there's a history here that we don't know about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the email is a bit much. That said, I think there is a widespread (and unreasonable) expectation that new moms will be up and at em in no time, barring anything life-threatening.

This thread shows how little compassion we have for ourselves and others. Women really do need - and deserve - time to heal, rest, recover, bond with their baby, get the hang of feeding etc. The problem is not her email, the problem is that OP (and others) approach the situation from a perspective of "suck it up" rather than "how can I help?"

Selfish, short-sighted, nasty behavior reigns again.

Uh, no. I do not expect new mothers to be up and at-em in no time. I am delighted to help in any way. However, I don't expect to get a pre-emptive email that says 1) I can't bring well children over to see the new baby (all of my kids know only to touch a baby on the foot and only if specifically allowed) 2) I can't hold the baby at all, even if healthy 3) I am expected to run the vacuum cleaner or do some dishes 4) I am expressly forbidden from bringing over some homemade cookies or a bottle of champagne.

You see, this person is making their home completely unwelcoming in every way, which means that even close family and friends are going to stay far, far away. Which means that mom and dad really won't get a break or some much-needed interaction with well-meaning and loving family.

I get it, it's hard, the parents are nervous, etc, etc. But you can go completely off the deep end trying to control everything and wind up completely alone. I'd send a gift and stay completely the hell away from these crazy new parents. What's going to suck later is that she's going to complain bitterly about how nobody helped her.

I hear you. But her birth, her baby, her home - right? I would just drop by and take a peek and leave. Take the cue and come back when she's feeling more on top of things or when she learns how to politely ask for help, whichever comes first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes she needs to heal. She's being over the top though. Asking visitors to volunteer to help with chores? No. A visitation schedule? Lol

I wouldn't' be stopping over until the new mom was more ready for visitors.

You may come and vacuum my carpet, launder my dirty undies but don't you dare even think of touching this BABY! Haha. And I thought I was a hormonal nightmare when my kids were born. I was a Saint by comparison!!!

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for this woman. She is clearly grasping to control something in an experience that's clearly gone the opposite of how she hoped. We can mock her for that, or feel some compassion for how scary and overwhelming new mother hood is for a lot of us.

Yes the email is obnoxious. But to send that out she has to be feeling pretty insane. Make a casserole, go see the baby, unload the dishwasher and give your brother a big hug. Leave the attitude at the door.

[Anonymous]

I hope this woman isn't planning on having a SECOND child. She doesn't want anyone under the age of 18 near the baby and can't manage to keep up with basic household stuff with just one child--what does she think is going to happen if she has another one?

I don't buy that this woman just had a baby and lost all sense of perspective, I'm sure she was like this before and this email is just the latest manifestation of her narcissism, which is why OP finds it so funny.

[Anonymous]

Here's a website advising new moms to asks guests to bring dinner, limit visit time, and assign dad to kick people out. http://sdbfc.com/blog/2011/9/28/5-ways-to-get-rid-of-postpartum-visitors-without-offending-a.html#.VKGvGnAJQ

This website encourages new moms to have a list of household chores that need to be done, like vacuuming and mowing the lawn, at the ready to give out to people who ask what they can do to help out. Sure Ripley are "volunteering" but it's not that far off from this email. Here's a website advising new moms to asks guests to bring dinner, limit visit time, and assign dad to kick people out. http://sdbfc.com/blog/2011/9/28/5-ways-to-get-rid-of-postpartum-visitors-without-offending-a.html#.VKGvGnAJQ

Here's another website where the departing doula put a sign on the mom's front door after the birth asking visitors to keep visits short and help out with household chores like grocery shopping and cleaning up. The mom suggests we all do this for one another and for ourselves if no one does it for us. http://theleakyboob.com/2012/07/help-them-help-you-new-baby-sign-with-ways-for-visitors-to-help/

So the requests in the email are not crazily out of line when you look at Internet advice that's going around these days. Like I said upthread, I have read lots of people advising new moms to ask for help with housework. Reacting offended and surprised here suggests to me that you guys might actually be a little out of touch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope this woman isn't planning on having a SECOND child. She doesn't want anyone under the age of 18 near the baby and can't manage to keep up with basic household stuff with just one child--what does she think is going to happen if she has another one?

I don't buy that this woman just had a baby and lost all sense of perspective, I'm sure she was like this before and this email is just the latest manifestation of her narcissism, which is why OP finds it so funny.

This ---- This s*** right here!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's a website advising new moms to asks guests to bring dinner, limit visit time, and assign dad to kick people out. http://sdbfc.com/blog/2011/9/28/5-ways-to-get-rid-of-postpartum-visitors-without-offending-a.html#.VKGvGnAJQ

This website encourages new moms to have a list of household chores that need to be done, like vacuuming and mowing the lawn, at the ready to give out to people who ask what they can do to help out. Sure Ripley are "volunteering" but it's not that far off from this email. Here's a website advising new moms to asks guests to bring dinner, limit visit time, and assign dad to kick people out. http://sdbfc.com/blog/2011/9/28/5-ways-to-get-rid-of-postpartum-visitors-without-offending-a.html#.VKGvGnAJQ

Here's another website where the departing doula put a sign on the mom's front door after the birth asking visitors to keep visits short and help out with household chores like grocery shopping and cleaning up. The mom suggests we all do this for one another and for ourselves if no one does it for us. http://theleakyboob.com/2012/07/help-them-help-you-new-baby-sign-with-ways-for-visitors-to-help/

So the requests in the email are not crazily out of line when you look at Internet advice that's going around these days. Like I said upthread, I have read lots of people advising new moms to ask for help with housework. Reacting offended and surprised here suggests to me that you guys might actually be a little out of touch.

I am always surprised and offended by rude behavior that people somehow try to pass off as okay. The first link you sent was perfectly ordinary advice. When someone asks what they can bring? Say, yes, we'd love some dinner! Nothing wrong there. But the sign on the door where you check off the list of tasks and chores you would like your visitors to perform is rude, as is the suggestion that it's okay to brush off questions about the baby's weight by referring them to the door sign instead of answering directly. WTH??

And this BS that only the mother and father can hold the baby because of bonding flies in the face of literally millenia of childrearing. Again, these are the kind of nightmarish, self-absorbed parents who are going to kill themselves trying to do it all themselves because they have alienated the village.

To be clear--I am 100 percent in accordance with washing hands, not coming when sick or recovering, helping out, bringing meals, taking older kids out, cleaning up, etc. I do all those things! But if you are going to come back at me with some BS that you aren't going to let anyone hold the baby because of bonding? Or email me a list of chores? Hell no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's a website advising new moms to asks guests to bring dinner, limit visit time, and assign dad to kick people out. http://sdbfc.com/blog/2011/9/28/5-ways-to-get-rid-of-postpartum-visitors-without-offending-a.html#.VKGvGnAJQ

This website encourages new moms to have a list of household chores that need to be done, like vacuuming and mowing the lawn, at the ready to give out to people who ask what they can do to help out. Sure Ripley are "volunteering" but it's not that far off from this email. Here's a website advising new moms to asks guests to bring dinner, limit visit time, and assign dad to kick people out. http://sdbfc.com/blog/2011/9/28/5-ways-to-get-rid-of-postpartum-visitors-without-offending-a.html#.VKGvGnAJQ

Here's another website where the departing doula put a sign on the mom's front door after the birth asking visitors to keep visits short and help out with household chores like grocery shopping and cleaning up. The mom suggests we all do this for one another and for ourselves if no one does it for us. http://theleakyboob.com/2012/07/help-them-help-you-new-baby-sign-with-ways-for-visitors-to-help/

So the requests in the email are not crazily out of line when you look at Internet advice that's going around these days. Like I said upthread, I have read lots of people advising new moms to ask for help with housework. Reacting offended and surprised here suggests to me that you guys might actually be a little out of touch.

Sorry it's rude to send out an email requesting services in exchange for the opportunity to get a glimpse of your precious little prince or princess. I don't really how many helpful websites suggest this, it's not appropriate. And it will not win you friends.

[Anonymous]

I found those examples with five minutes of googling, and I'm sure I could have found stuff almost word for word off the email if I had looked longer or had better Google fu. I'm saying this sort of advice is NORMAL now, new mothers hear it all the time. I heard it myself five years ago when I read mommy blogs. I didn't take it, but I read it frequently. Your standards may not be changing, but other people's are, and it seems weird to point and laugh at this one mom when it is not really that uncommon, like seeing someone in a fedora.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the email is a bit much. That said, I think there is a widespread (and unreasonable) expectation that new moms will be up and at em in no time, barring anything life-threatening.

This thread shows how little compassion we have for ourselves and others. Women really do need - and deserve - time to heal, rest, recover, bond with their baby, get the hang of feeding etc. The problem is not her email, the problem is that OP (and others) approach the situation from a perspective of "suck it up" rather than "how can I help?"

Selfish, short-sighted, nasty behavior reigns again.

Uh, no. I do not expect new mothers to be up and at-em in no time. I am delighted to help in any way. However, I don't expect to get a pre-emptive email that says 1) I can't bring well children over to see the new baby (all of my kids know only to touch a baby on the foot and only if specifically allowed) 2) I can't hold the baby at all, even if healthy 3) I am expected to run the vacuum cleaner or do some dishes 4) I am expressly forbidden from bringing over some homemade cookies or a bottle of champagne.

You see, this person is making their home completely unwelcoming in every way, which means that even close family and friends are going to stay far, far away. Which means that mom and dad really won't get a break or some much-needed interaction with well-meaning and loving family.

I get it, it's hard, the parents are nervous, etc, etc. But you can go completely off the deep end trying to control everything and wind up completely alone. I'd send a gift and stay completely the hell away from these crazy new parents. What's going to suck later is that she's going to complain bitterly about how nobody helped her.

perfect don't visit. i'd rather not have visitors. leave my family alone and don't bring your kids over n touch my new born's feet. don't touch my new born.