Parents who refuse to participate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your question. Carpool, playdate, activity, everything the other child is involved in! UGH.

My son has a friend like that. Thd WORKING moms do all the heavy lifting and this one SAHM sits on her ass and never offers to help. A few things:

-she has been ditched from the carpool group because she's useless. Now her working DH is the sole taxi for her child.
-honestly, she's batshit crazy. Having a crazy mom her kidss are probably going to be a mess so I try to redirect my son to hang out with other people. I'm sure she's just mentally ill.

God, you're a bitch. Those poor kids have a crazy mom and you're trying to make sure they don't have friends, either.

I don't think she's a bitch. My friend has a problem with depression. She is a basket case and her children are brats. My kids do not want to be around them because they steal their stuff and can't share or take turns. I understand their behavior is a result of their mother's inability to properly parent but that's doesn't make it ok and it isn't my kids' responsibility to play with them.

I'm sorry, but I don't think you can call someone a friend and subsequently be as nasty about her and her children. Depression is an illness. It doesn't excuse the children's behavior. Nothing excuses your behavior and your basically catty email either.

[Anonymous]

Not all lazy parents are depressed. Some are just lazy, and think the world owes them something, somehow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Send an email to other three families, asking each to commit to participating and filling in the attached schedule. If the parents don't participate, you don't include their kids.

+1

Perfect! I will note this for the lazy parents

Thanks. Sadly, I advise this from personal experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't read all these responses. My mom was a lame driver and I was so appreciative of the many families who ignored my mom's issues and included me. Today I am a giver. I drive everyone and known as the person who hosts. I realize so people are selfish mean whatever and some people are overwhelmed. What I do to make myself sane is I do what I feel I can and let the rest go. OP you should too. Life is too short to get angry over non reciprocated playdates and carpools.

\What do you mean, a "lame driver"? Lazy, unwilling to drive? What were her "issues"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't read all these responses. My mom was a lame driver and I was so appreciative of the many families who ignored my mom's issues and included me. Today I am a giver. I drive everyone and known as the person who hosts. I realize so people are selfish mean whatever and some people are overwhelmed. What I do to make myself sane is I do what I feel I can and let the rest go. OP you should too. Life is too short to get angry over non reciprocated playdates and carpools.

\What do you mean, a "lame driver"? Lazy, unwilling to drive? What were her "issues"?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, if you don't want to drive the other kids, don't. Easy as pie.

If you do decide the benefits of having those kids be friends with yours/share activities outweigh the drawbacks, then drive them and stop complaining.

Seriously, as all the toddlers around the block seem to be singing "Let It Go!"

P.S. I have other kids over for dinner, activities etc (we don't live anywhere we need to drive much) not because I expect their parents to do the same for my DCs but because my DCs enjoy it and I like making them happy. Reciprocity is nice but not the goal of the game.

What if your DC insists of spending time with the mean girl? Apparently, the parents are the same (mean) behind closed doors. I don't advocate that particular relationship, and the "friend's" parents don't advocate any relationships (at all). So now what?

DC may insist but you are the adult, not she. If you think the friendship has negative implications for your kid, don't have the other girl over at your house, don't drive your DC to activities together, etc. A lot of how you react will depend on how old your child is - if your DC is 7, it's quite different (and easier to nip this in the bud) than if your DC is 16 and has her own driver's license.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't read all these responses. My mom was a lame driver and I was so appreciative of the many families who ignored my mom's issues and included me. Today I am a giver. I drive everyone and known as the person who hosts. I realize so people are selfish mean whatever and some people are overwhelmed. What I do to make myself sane is I do what I feel I can and let the rest go. OP you should too. Life is too short to get angry over non reciprocated playdates and carpools.

\What do you mean, a "lame driver"? Lazy, unwilling to drive? What were her "issues"?

My mom had issues. Now I realize she had some mental health stuff but then she just came across as unresponsible with pick up and drop off..was late..really late all the time. There was always some problem. My point is that I was a good kid and my friends parents realized this and didn't put me through the wringer because my mom wasn't responsible. Boy did I appreciate that. Next time you think of kicking out a kid..a good kid from the carpool think about this. Too often people are petty sort of the world we live. Those moms from when I grew up were a classy bunch. There was no gossip nothing nasty. Just a oh "sally" why don't we get you today and tell your mom not to worry. It was so subtle, no one was looking for an award, just wanted things to work out. I think about that now. I do host a lot and am super responsible but I don't act like it's a big deal. It isn't. There are big problems in the world and my having to make an extra stop is not one of them. The realization of this makes me a happy non dramatic person and I hope I pass this on to my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My mom had issues. Now I realize she had some mental health stuff but then she just came across as unresponsible with pick up and drop off..was late..really late all the time. There was always some problem. My point is that I was a good kid and my friends parents realized this and didn't put me through the wringer because my mom wasn't responsible. Boy did I appreciate that. Next time you think of kicking out a kid..a good kid from the carpool think about this. Too often people are petty sort of the world we live. Those moms from when I grew up were a classy bunch. There was no gossip nothing nasty. Just a oh "sally" why don't we get you today and tell your mom not to worry. It was so subtle, no one was looking for an award, just wanted things to work out. I think about that now. I do host a lot and am super responsible but I don't act like it's a big deal. It isn't. There are big problems in the world and my having to make an extra stop is not one of them. The realization of this makes me a happy non dramatic person and I hope I pass this on to my child.

+1 You sound like a great person, who was helped by an actual extended community. I bet you will be able to pay it forward!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is another way to look at it.

I am a mom who loves to do the carpooling, the hosting etc. Why? My son loves the company of other children, and many of the parents do not have the flexibility, energy, time that I do. I love having the kids and parents over when I host. And people always reciprocate in some form or the other. It may not be the exact same thing that I can do - but parents will help out or include my child in some way or the other. I have found that my kid loves when he has his other friends joining him for other activities. If I am already doing everything for my kid - it does not cost me anything at all to include other people's kids as well. And frankly, I really enjoy doing this for the kids.

People are not refusing to participate - they are just not participating the way you want them to.

Exactly. OP, are you the person who dines with friends and then doesn't just split the check? Life is too short to keep a running tally.

[Anonymous]

Clarify for me, does the offender's child ride in a carpool, but the offender doesn't want to drive? Or does the offender (and her child) simply not participate in the carpool at all?

[Anonymous]

Let's see if I can sum this up: The offender's child needs rides, but that child's parents refuse to participate, paying attention to their other child only. The child (at issue) is kind of a bully, so wondering about the parents.

The other parents involved have multiple children involved in various demands. The issue is NOT how the parents involved use their time; but rather, why there are so many cars in the offenders driveway, and so many willing and capable adults at home, yet no one willing to drive. After a few years, it is no longer petty.

[Anonymous]

OP has some serious passive-aggressive issues. I would not want to associate with someone like her IRL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's see if I can sum this up: The offender's child needs rides, but that child's parents refuse to participate, paying attention to their other child only. The child (at issue) is kind of a bully, so wondering about the parents.

The other parents involved have multiple children involved in various demands. The issue is NOT how the parents involved use their time; but rather, why there are so many cars in the offenders driveway, and so many willing and capable adults at home, yet no one willing to drive. After a few years, it is no longer petty.

I think it's clear that the parents have lots of cars in the driveway & aren't driving -- what's not clear is how this has any affect on OP. Are they *making* you drive their child? If you don't want to drive their child, say no.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,
I am going to assume that not only are you having a bad day, but that everyday is pretty stressful for you and these kind of minor issues are big stressors for you as a result.

But you're upset because you hold assumptions that may or may not be true. These assumptions are:

1) Everyone needs to pull their own weight.

No they don't. It would be nice but they don't need to. Stop believing that everyone needs to contribute equally and you will stop being upset.

2) If someone isn't pulling their weight, then they must be lazy.

No, there are a million different reasons besides being lazy. Try to think of the most sympathetic reason - e.g., the person is fatigued because s/he is receiving treatment for cancer. S/he was in a car accident at some point and nearly died or nearly killed someone and now avoids driving at all costs because of the trauma. S/he is depressed and can barely get through the day without thinking of ending his or her life but can't do this because of the kids. So carpooling isn't at the opt of her/her list.

3) I'm suffering/have a greater workload than they do.

It probably feels like this a lot of the time. But there are people a lot worse off than you and you know it. If you stop feeling like you're worse off, you'll stop feeling justified in expecting him/her to chip in.

I'm a single parent - I work full-time, have full custody, and am pretty much on my own - if your biggest gripe today is that people are not participating equally in carpooling, count your blessings!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,
I am going to assume that not only are you having a bad day, but that everyday is pretty stressful for you and these kind of minor issues are big stressors for you as a result.

But you're upset because you hold assumptions that may or may not be true. These assumptions are:

1) Everyone needs to pull their own weight.

No they don't. It would be nice but they don't need to. Stop believing that everyone needs to contribute equally and you will stop being upset.

2) If someone isn't pulling their weight, then they must be lazy.

No, there are a million different reasons besides being lazy. Try to think of the most sympathetic reason - e.g., the person is fatigued because s/he is receiving treatment for cancer. S/he was in a car accident at some point and nearly died or nearly killed someone and now avoids driving at all costs because of the trauma. S/he is depressed and can barely get through the day without thinking of ending his or her life but can't do this because of the kids. So carpooling isn't at the opt of her/her list.

3) I'm suffering/have a greater workload than they do.

It probably feels like this a lot of the time. But there are people a lot worse off than you and you know it. If you stop feeling like you're worse off, you'll stop feeling justified in expecting him/her to chip in.

I'm a single parent - I work full-time, have full custody, and am pretty much on my own - if your biggest gripe today is that people are not participating equally in carpooling, count your blessings!

I don't agree with number 1. I pull my own weight and I expect other adults to do the same.