Speechless

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously? She's in junior high and needs to handle this herself. Kids play jokes - at least they didn't write on her face with marker like boys would have. This is glitter and glue. At 12 or 13 I would have never even told my mom about this.

Take her to the bathroom. Shower and dry her hair. Have her lie back down and when her friends wake up have her pretend nothing happened. Joke's on them.

This. Do NOT call the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel that this fall somewhere in between a "traditional" sleepover prank and outright bullying. Yes, pranks are often part of sleepovers but this one seemed to go much to far with the amount of glitter and such that was used (that it was all over her hair, for example). A prank is not mean spirited and this one seems to be. At the same time, the other girls are at an age where their sense of good judgment is still developing and they may have done something that at the time, late at night and in the dark seemed fun only to fully understand come the morning.

I would think that the real test would be to see the two other girls' reaction when they learn how upset your DD is about what transpired. If they immediately seem surprised and concerned than this incident is in more of the prank gone to far column. A gentle talk and explanation about trust and boundaries is in order, even with their parents present. But if they seem annoyed that your DD went to you or if they seem to be defensive in any way, well, than this incident is extremely concerning.

Agree. When I was younger at a sleepover, we wrote "I love_____" on our friend's face because she fell asleep at 9:30. She woke up and went to the bathroom to see the guy's name on her face. She came out laughing, then we laughed, and it was all in good fun. These girls sound malicious.

No more malicious than you were. If your friend had woken up seeing writing on her face and reacted the way OPs daughter did, then you would be just as malicious as they were. In your situation, your friend woke up and laughed it off, if Ops daughter had done the same, the girls intentions would have been seen exactly the way yours were - a joke among friends all in good fun. If your friend had run crying to her mom's room and sobbed for hours and mom felt you were mean and had defaced her daughter - then your intentions would have been seen as malicious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you call for your helpful comments.

I did help my DD clean up, and had her sleep with me in my room. It took her until 2 am to fall asleep, as she was crying and in disbelief. I myself was so distraught I had chest pains and did not sleep until 5 am.

This to me is concerning. It was glitter on her face. For her to be crying for hours and for you to get chest pain over this is pretty indicative that neither of you have very good coping skills. I can see her being upset - sure but upset to the extent that you both were? Yikes. How are either of you ever going to handle anything that is bigger than glitter on her face that was intended as a prank by her best friends. You are going to end up hospitalized for mental breakdowns if something that is actually mean or bad does happen.

I feel this way too. You are being dramatic and having chest pains over glitter seems like a bigger issue for YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate sleepovers.

same here. Kids are so exhausted the next day and cranky.

I have banned them. They are not worth it.

[Anonymous]

I know OP is gone, but the PP above is correct--don't call the school. If it didn't happen on school grounds, they will not get involved.

Changing subjects: All those crying "wimp" should do a little self-reflection. I think a previous poster nailed it: those who would "laugh it off as a joke" are the wimps. They're afraid of rocking the boat--even when it involves their own child--because it's uncomfortable to confront mean girls and their parents. It might make your child unpopular (which is a fate worse than death to some parents), and it certainly will make you unpopular among the other moms. They might whisper and back away when they see you, as so many posters have affirmed in this thread. So just cower and sweep it under the rug and let your child suffer.

I wonder if the parents who think this was harmless would have gone ahead with the sleepover if they knew their daughter would have makeup globbed all over her face by her "friends" while she slept and that the DD would react so strongly. If not, then you have to take action when it does happen.

[Anonymous]

To me, it is not an issue of mom overreacting or not. It is an issue of the fact that the daughter was not very involved in addressing the situation with the friends. By 7th grade, mom should be working with the daughter to get the daughter to address the issue with the friends herself. Then mom can follow up with their parents, and can stand with the daughter for support while she addresses it with her friends if her daughter would like. Having the daughter sit there and mumble a few words while mom confronts the friends is not going to help her long term AT ALL.

[Anonymous]

Kids are mean, but unfortunately we parents can't fix it. We parents remember these offenses against our children much longer than our children themselves.

When we become involved the kids and the other parents respond by not allowing their children to hang out with our children any longer.

So more than anything we want this wrong to be made right! But, what happens in the end when we parents become invovled is that our own child who was the victim then becomes victimized again because they are ostracized.

If these kids would come to your home and abuse your hospitality by taking a prank to the borderline of bullying, they'd be more than happy to do everything in their power to ostracize your daughter in school and other social settings as well.

I wish I had an answer. Our child was both bullied and ostracized. It was painful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know OP is gone, but the PP above is correct--don't call the school. If it didn't happen on school grounds, they will not get involved.

Changing subjects: All those crying "wimp" should do a little self-reflection. I think a previous poster nailed it: those who would "laugh it off as a joke" are the wimps. They're afraid of rocking the boat--even when it involves their own child--because it's uncomfortable to confront mean girls and their parents. It might make your child unpopular (which is a fate worse than death to some parents), and it certainly will make you unpopular among the other moms. They might whisper and back away when they see you, as so many posters have affirmed in this thread. So just cower and sweep it under the rug and let your child suffer.

I wonder if the parents who think this was harmless would have gone ahead with the sleepover if they knew their daughter would have makeup globbed all over her face by her "friends" while she slept and that the DD would react so strongly. If not, then you have to take action when it does happen.

I think anyone who sees the only possible explanation for the girls behavior is that they are mean girls only has one child. If you had more than one child you would realize that your kids do this to each other all the time. That Kid 1 does something that he thinks i funny but that upsets kid 2. Parents realize that this doesn't mean that their child is a mean bully, they realize that the child didn't think it through, took it too far or just bugged kid 2 at the wrong time (overtired, in the middle of something). And they would also realize that their child crying for hours because kid 1 did something that upset them would be an overreaction. I can't imagine that if one of these 'mean girls was your daughter and she came home and said that they were putting make up on themselves and thought it would also be funny to put make up on Sarah and had no idea she would get upset that you would refuse to even consider this explanation and insist that nope - your daughter is a mean girl and a bully and that her intent was malicious. Any parent who assumes that all their child's actions that upset another are malicious and cruel are going to have pretty unhappy messed up kids.

And I think these same people really have no sense of humor which is why they can't entertain the possibility that putting make-up on someone who was sleeping could have been intended as a joke. they obviously have never done something they thought was funny to their spouse only to have their spouse be annoyed because the timing was off. If they had they would know that if their spouse reacted to that by insisting that they are a bully, cruel and had malicious intentions would be a total overreaction.

Not everyone that plays a prank that doesn't turn out or that upsets someone is the spawn of Satan.

[Anonymous]

I have a family member who always has hurt feelings. She always feels that people haven't been caring enough, inclusive enough, compassionate enough, considerate enough. She always thinks people are mean to her, don't like her etc..

The reality is - she owns her feelings. I am not responsible for them even though 5 times a week I do something that upsets her. I will not be guilted into believing that it is my responsibility to never make her sad, or unhappy or upset. I will also never teach my kids that they are responsible for other people's happiness or for other people feel. One action could make 5 different people feel 5 different ways - they aren't responsible for being able to control how people feel. I teach my kids they are responsible for their actions and their reactions, but they are not responsible for other people's actions or reactions. If they know they did something wrong in their actions then they need to take responsibility for that, and that they should be aware of how others respond and react to them because maybe they can learn from that and see that their actions need to change, but I will never make my kids responsible for other people's feelings. Some people are angry all the time, some people are depressed all the time, some people are anxious all the time, some people are upset all the time - no way do I put the burden of that on my kids.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who thought the OP was Chipotle Lady when she was describing her chest pains for hours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If i was the parent of one of the other two girls I would be encouraging them to step back from their friendship with OP's daughter.

I would be fine with them being brought home early and being told that they had done something that had upset their friend. I would absolutely talk to my daughter about the importance of considering how other people might feel about something they think it funny, and of the vulnerability of doing something to someone thinking. I think there are a lot of teachable moments and opportunities for learning in a situation like this.

I would find the 3 am email, the early morning confrontation that assumed their intentions were cruel and bullying (and not asking them their reasoning first, and the inability of their friend to cope with this as big red flags that this is a friendship that is likely going to be more problems than fun. I would talk to my own daughter about how everyone is different and that some people are much , much more sensitive than others. that while this isn't a good or a bad thing that friendships with people who are extremely sensitive can be exhausting and difficult. I wouldn't stand in the way of the friendship in any way, I would just encourage my daughter to reflect on how this friendship feels to her and that is she feels she is being made out to be mean and a bully and she is always having to apologize for someone else's hurt feelings, then she should re-evaluate the friendship. I would probably also avoid having OP's daughter over as Op isn't really a mom I want to have to deal with.

Geez. Your response is so callous as to almost give me chest pains -- and I'm a new poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if someone - even a middle schooler with a poorly developed sense of reason and consequences - stayed under my roof and proceeded to do shit to my kid while she was asleep, my GOD, I would be pissed.

This thread has become a magnet for gaslighters, since apparently it must be all OP's and the OP's daughter's fault for reacting in any way that would make the other kids or parents feel uncomfortable. Really, that's just messed up. I don't care if you call it a prank, or bullying, or a joke, you do not go into someone's house and mess with them while they're asleep. What happened to OP's daughter is weirdly hostile and creepy. I have every right to go to sleep in my bed in my own house and feel secure that people aren't going to physically mess with me or my kids. This is why people buy alarm systems, this is why there are multi-page threads on "should I answer the door at night if I'm not expecting anyone", and this is why Gavin de Becker is recommended all over these forums.

If someone else other than a middle school-aged mean girl did this, the PPs would be up in arms, if they had any sense. Why do the girls who come over as guests, ostensibly as friends of OP's kid, get a pass? I can't imagine that the posters who tell OP that she's overreacting would handle this calmly if it were their own child.

And you know what? The OP handled this very reasonably under the circumstances. I don't see anything wrong with emailing at 3 am. She didn't call the kids' parents. She didn't drop the girls off at their own houses at 3 am, as I would have been tempted to do. I let my kids fight their own battles for the most part, but if someone messes with them physically when they are completely vulnerable (like asleep), I can and will intervene. If it happens in my own house? Yes, I'm going to say something, and it's too bad if it makes someone uncomfortable.

It's interesting that the big boogeyman is OMG! OP's kid might be teased at school. Oh yes, let's never say anything when other kids step over the line lest our own kids be teased at school.

+1 million The problem is it's NEVER the darling snowflakes fault. How dare anyone criticize OP for how she reacted in HER own house, her refuge, at 3 am? Maybe she was flashing back to other painful incidents - it's none of our business. When I read the messed-up responses from the MOMS criticizing OP, I could only think about the decline in civility. Horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think posters here have little ability to empathize with a 6th grade girl.

When you deface someone's face like that, I think it is an act of aggression. "I hate her and I'm going to mark up her face" is what it feels like to me.

I am guessing that the chest pains OP felt were not directly a result of seeing her daughter's face all messed up, but were the anxiety she felt from feeling like her daughter was symbolically attacked.

Deface? You and the OP have used that word several times, and it's ridiculous hyperbole. It was makeup. It washed off. They didn't cut her hair, or dye her skin, or write on her with a sharpie. It wahed off - maybe it was mean, but ultimately harmless. Chill the fuck out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For God's sake it was a joke! They didn't put hot grease or acid on her face. Kids play jokes on each other. They don't make the best decisions but neither did you when you were that age.

I get a kick out of the whining mom's who want to contact the school. The school? What the hell are they going to do?

Amazing what wimps we are raising.

Wrong.

What's not amazing is that kids think that they can get away with mean spirited, rude, hurtful behavior. It's because parents like you make excuses for your children's bad behavior-not surprising at all because you probably have shown them all along how to be rude and selfish and to not care about how other people feel. Apples and trees.

I'm with OP. I hope your daughter is feeling better and more secure of herself because she has her strong mom behind her.

+2 million I wonder what kind of mean things some of these posters' kids are doing. No one's kids are ever mean and uncivilized. Yeah, right. One of the best parenting books I read - so long ago I don't remember the title, just that the author was a child psychiatrist at University of San Francisco - anyway, she wrote, Parenting is the process of civilizing children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm with OP. I hope your daughter is feeling better and more secure of herself because she has her strong mom behind her.

Nope. Her mother's over-the-top reaction only reinforces her feeling of victimization. She has learned that she is not strong enough to handle even the simplest things without mommy stepping in and fighting her battles for her. She probably lost two friends.

This could have been handled with a simple conversation with the girls the next morning. The chest pains, hysterics, 3am emails..... Completely over the top and unnecessary.

9:50 ...It WAS handled with a conversation!! The girls did not know about the 3 am email nor the chest pains!