Speechless

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like bullying - I hate how that word gets thrown around.

It sounds to me like they were having fun, got carried away, and went too far. Help your daughter clean up, talk about it a little, then let it go.

PP, that's SO funny how you just dismissed OP's daughter's feelings.


It wasn't funny to her, so it's NOT having fun. It's mean behavior. And if it's mean, time to intervene.

These girls were most likely not intending to bully. It was a prank and they totally mis-fired. Just because she felt bullied doesn't make it so. The girls owe her an apology for hurting her feelings no doubt. But getting your feelings hurt (and rightfully so) does not make it bullying. Dear lord, they're a bunch of dumb kids.

I agree.

You parents need to learn to lighten the hell up. Otherwise your DD will spazz out every single time something happens that she doesn't like.

From the OP I thought they were just pulling a prank. The fact that your daughter is sensitive (not necessarily a bad thing) doesn't mean they were being mean-spirited, unkind, or even DUMB enough to "bully" the child in her own house with HER parents around.

I hope you cleaned your daughter up, helped her realize they thought they were being funny but they were not, and talked to the girls the next day, telling them just that. ("Hey I know it was meant to be a joke but DD didn't find it funny".)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^While it's true that different people take things differently (maybe the girls thought that their friend would laugh and think it was funny), when the girls realized that they had upset their friend, they should have apologized.

Of course, the Op stepped in and handled the whole incident, gave the girls a good talking to, reported it to the girls' parents...

Hopefully, the girls will make up and remain friends.

Why would they remain friends? Who would want the friendship after this all went down? How would it be healthy in any way for any of them?

Yes, it would be way healthier for them to see each others' points of view, apologize and make up than it would be for them to avoid/not speak to/shun each other over this stupid prank. I think that if they can do that, they can still be friends.

Of course it would be. But when the girls are seen as bullies and as malicious and are confronted and told they defaced their friend and given a big lecture and told that people cried for hours. Then they get home and find out that emails went out at 3 am about them...those are not good conditions to work through this healthily. Why would Ops daughter want to stay friends if she and her mom think they are bullies, and assuming they just thought it was a joke gone wrong, why would they other girls want to be friends when that is how their joke ended up?

Good points. As a 13 year old, I think I would have been pretty mad if my friend had automatically assumed jerky intentions on my part and had gone running to her mommy to tell on me.

It is obvious that a mom having chest pains over something this trivial has heightened her own daughter's anxiety, thus the crying up to mom at 3am. This poor girl doesn't stand a chance of normal middle school, high school, and college years with this much unnecessary stress. Unfortunately, girls are going to avoid her.

Sadly I agree. But it is the truth.

The child's in middle school. At that age she should be learning to advocate for herself if she doesn't do so already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

thanks to all of those with supportive responses. I really appreciate those in here who show kindness and lack of judgment for everyone, both for my family and for the friends.

I have to emphasize to those who are minimizing the incident as "just glitter" that as I've noted before this was not just glitter. DD did not look like herself, and the incident involved much more than mounding products all over her face and hair. I will not get into details. it was difficult to see her that way.

Some of us may be more sensitive as others, but that never justifies excusing cruel behavior, however unintended it may be.

I am sorry that DC Urban Mom at some point always gets judgmental, so I will have to stop coming back here. I am happy about how I handled the situation, and happy about how my other parents handled it as well. It was a bad incident, we dealt with it, it is behind us, and we are moving on to strengthen ourselves.

New Poster here. Just because some folks don't agree with you and believe the reaction you described is over-the-top does not mean you are being bullied.

I also believe you over reacted and now your reaction to these comments underscores that you seem prone to doing so.

[Anonymous]

I got to about page 7, after OP told us what she did, and then had another post that said she wasn't going to come back and look anymore.

Just in case OP is looking, I just want to say I thought you handled it so well…so well, in fact, I had tears in my eyes (and I'm not usually that type). The thing is, OP had to handle it in the moment, when there was emotion all around her, her being upset, dealing with a crying DD, all that, without the benefit of much reflection.

I hope, hope, that if I get in that situation, I handle it as well as you did.

I have also never heard of pranks at sleepovers so I'm wondering if it's a regional thing. I mean, this is seriously the first time I've heard of this, and my kids have had sleepovers and I'm no stranger to them myself. I'm new to the area so wondering if it's a geographical thing.

[Anonymous]

Yes, the DC Metro area is the only place in the world that does sleepover pranks. LOL

I am sad we live in a world that pranks between friends now gets filed under bullying

[Anonymous]

OP- You mentioned you were Asian and I was born and raised in America and am white.

I just want you to know that if my DD did what those kids had done, I would have been horrified.

In the US, unfortunately I think you really have to watch out as there is a "culture" exercised my many people on this forum- that this type of behavior is okay. IMHO these people are entitled. At first glance, these folks can seem nice but their value systems differ quite substantially from yours and mine.

Honestly, the parents who are saying you overreacted are not really the type that you want your kids associating with anyway. While the situation was really hard for your DD as she might feel friendless for a week or two. I would probably tell her that it was probably for the best because she learned that these friends were probably not good ones for her.

[Anonymous]

Exactly PP. This is a values issue as much as a what the hell happened question. I don't know if it's an American thing because I was raised in Northern Cali.

These kids acted a hot mess in someone else's home. I am the poster who previously said it like it was (namely the kids were acting a fool and ought to be ashamed), I think it's more of a parenting fail to have the kind of reactions I'm seeing here. Kids fuck up. But we have to teach them what's not cool and what's not gonna fly. In some people's houses, you can get away with fucking with people's bodies while they are sleeping. In my house? You best keep your hands to yourself.

I think the mom in the post was hella cool. I wouldn't have been nearly as nice. Then again, I'm kind of a ball buster and I don't play. My kids know that. And they know that respect starts with number one respect yourself. Parents who let this kind of nonsense go on -- well, good for them. But in my house, we are big on respect. And that means respecting our bodies and respecting the fact that I'm sleeping (joking well not really).

[Anonymous]

Didn't read the whole thread, but as the parent of a middle schooler who DOES advocate for themselves and has a good sense of boundaries, if my child came to wake me up that upset, I would call the parents and tell them to pick their kids up immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe some of you fools are missing the big point (although I see many of you got it).

I cannot believe these kids were acting a fool in this woman's own home. I think beyond the disrespect, prank or whatever, if you are in someone else's home, you behave in a respectful manner. That means not doing shit that would result in a mother getting woken up in the middle of the damn night!

Prank, whatever. Those girls should have known better and been apologetic from the jump. Not making excuses. Those defending them and saying the OP is overreacting? Y'all crazy. Those kids ought to have been hella ashamed and if it was my kid that did that mess, I would have been crazy apologetic because I taught them that shit doesn't fly in my home let alone someone else's.

My kids have had rude ass friends. They aren't welcome in my home. Period. Make other friends or go someplace else to hang out. This shit would have been a perma banning unless I received a serious apology from the kids and their parents.

+1

[Anonymous]

I don't think people are advocating or condoning this sort of behavior at all. No, I would not be happy if my own child engaged in this sort of pranking as it was borderline cruel, not very funny and upset the child terribly. And, yes, I would be mortified if my child did this in another child's home. Yes, I would expect my child to apologize and I would apologize, too. But, in general, I don't find silly middle school pranks to be all that alarming..

That said, it was the 3am email, the hours of crying, the chest pains that all seemed over the top to me. Sort of high drama. But since the Op has explained that there is a cultural difference, her reaction makes a whole lot more sense to me. I hope that the girls have all made up and will watch their behavior from here on out.

[Anonymous]

I have to say I did not grow up in the US, and this sleepover prank custom really confused me. I did not know such a thing existed until this incident. Frankly when I saw my DD that way in the middle of the night, I was shocked – I did not know what to make of it. In my culture (Asia), if you are a guest and you do that to your host (at least when I was growing up many years ago), you would be considered not only incredibly rude, but insane (as in, what went terribly wrong in your upbringing to make you act in this very very strange way – and how could it be that you are not absolutely ashamed to do that to your host, and how could you show your face to your hosts the next morning??).

Where I grew up, if you visit someone’s house, and they open your home to you, and greet you and serve you, you act with the utmost respect. And if, just for argument’s sake, one of the guests pulled a “prank” like the one that they pulled at my house, I can say there would be some serious consequences and repercussions between the families.

It’s true that we are in the US, and I embrace and respect the great values that the US has to offer, but I must say that, in every culture (as in mine) there are aspects which could be reworked.

The sleepover pranking in my view is not a good custom. There are healthier ways to add excitement to friendships

OP, I do agree with you that sleepover pranking is not a good custom and is rude and mean. The problem is, I don't think most girls would randomly do that to a friend unless there was some sort of stress in the friendship. If your daughter had been the primary one to confront the friends, she could have probably found out more about what was going on. I really don't think the middle school girls are going to be telling you. Also, would it not be good for her, who is really the wronged party, to be the one to call them to task first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think people are advocating or condoning this sort of behavior at all. No, I would not be happy if my own child engaged in this sort of pranking as it was borderline cruel, not very funny and upset the child terribly. And, yes, I would be mortified if my child did this in another child's home. Yes, I would expect my child to apologize and I would apologize, too. But, in general, I don't find silly middle school pranks to be all that alarming..

That said, it was the 3am email, the hours of crying, the chest pains that all seemed over the top to me. Sort of high drama. But since the Op has explained that there is a cultural difference, her reaction makes a whole lot more sense to me. I hope that the girls have all made up and will watch their behavior from here on out.

Agree!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- You mentioned you were Asian and I was born and raised in America and am white.

I just want you to know that if my DD did what those kids had done, I would have been horrified.

In the US, unfortunately I think you really have to watch out as there is a "culture" exercised my many people on this forum- that this type of behavior is okay. IMHO these people are entitled. At first glance, these folks can seem nice but their value systems differ quite substantially from yours and mine.

Honestly, the parents who are saying you overreacted are not really the type that you want your kids associating with anyway. While the situation was really hard for your DD as she might feel friendless for a week or two. I would probably tell her that it was probably for the best because she learned that these friends were probably not good ones for her.

Please stop!

My children are both in HIGHLY selective universities and I found that mother (and her daughter) to be WELL over the top! My children have always been the kind parents wanted their children to hang around. Part of the reason is because I taught them how to deal with negative situations and people appropriately, which led to them learning to keep their emotions in check. This training began almost from the time they began to interact with other kids in pre-school. By the time they were in MS, neither one of them would've come rushing into my room crying over something like that. They would've handled it themselves (probably with a bit of humor) and told me about it during the post-sleepover recap.

That said, I'm the poster at the top who said that she would acknowledge the daughter's feelings but point out they likely meant it as a prank that she didn't find funny. In talking to the girls, I'd also acknowledge that while they may have meant no harm, the prank was harmful.

Understanding that the mother is Asian and unfamiliar with sleepovers put her reaction into perspective for me.

But some of you....I feel sorry for your kids. However, I also now better understand why some just LOSE IT and find it difficult to deal with life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- You mentioned you were Asian and I was born and raised in America and am white.

I just want you to know that if my DD did what those kids had done, I would have been horrified.

In the US, unfortunately I think you really have to watch out as there is a "culture" exercised my many people on this forum- that this type of behavior is okay. IMHO these people are entitled. At first glance, these folks can seem nice but their value systems differ quite substantially from yours and mine.

Honestly, the parents who are saying you overreacted are not really the type that you want your kids associating with anyway. While the situation was really hard for your DD as she might feel friendless for a week or two. I would probably tell her that it was probably for the best because she learned that these friends were probably not good ones for her.

Please stop!

My children are both in HIGHLY selective universities and I found that mother (and her daughter) to be WELL over the top! My children have always been the kind parents wanted their children to hang around. Part of the reason is because I taught them how to deal with negative situations and people appropriately, which led to them learning to keep their emotions in check. This training began almost from the time they began to interact with other kids in pre-school. By the time they were in MS, neither one of them would've come rushing into my room crying over something like that. They would've handled it themselves (probably with a bit of humor) and told me about it during the post-sleepover recap.

That said, I'm the poster at the top who said that she would acknowledge the daughter's feelings but point out they likely meant it as a prank that she didn't find funny. In talking to the girls, I'd also acknowledge that while they may have meant no harm, the prank was harmful.

Understanding that the mother is Asian and unfamiliar with sleepovers put her reaction into perspective for me.

But some of you....I feel sorry for your kids. However, I also now better understand why some just LOSE IT and find it difficult to deal with life.

HIGHLY selective universities!!!!!

You are a riot, PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- You mentioned you were Asian and I was born and raised in America and am white.

I just want you to know that if my DD did what those kids had done, I would have been horrified.

In the US, unfortunately I think you really have to watch out as there is a "culture" exercised my many people on this forum- that this type of behavior is okay. IMHO these people are entitled. At first glance, these folks can seem nice but their value systems differ quite substantially from yours and mine.

Honestly, the parents who are saying you overreacted are not really the type that you want your kids associating with anyway. While the situation was really hard for your DD as she might feel friendless for a week or two. I would probably tell her that it was probably for the best because she learned that these friends were probably not good ones for her.

Please stop!

My children are both in HIGHLY selective universities and I found that mother (and her daughter) to be WELL over the top! My children have always been the kind parents wanted their children to hang around. Part of the reason is because I taught them how to deal with negative situations and people appropriately, which led to them learning to keep their emotions in check. This training began almost from the time they began to interact with other kids in pre-school. By the time they were in MS, neither one of them would've come rushing into my room crying over something like that. They would've handled it themselves (probably with a bit of humor) and told me about it during the post-sleepover recap.

That said, I'm the poster at the top who said that she would acknowledge the daughter's feelings but point out they likely meant it as a prank that she didn't find funny. In talking to the girls, I'd also acknowledge that while they may have meant no harm, the prank was harmful.

Understanding that the mother is Asian and unfamiliar with sleepovers put her reaction into perspective for me.

But some of you....I feel sorry for your kids. However, I also now better understand why some just LOSE IT and find it difficult to deal with life.

Wow, you are a cold mom. Who cares that your DCs are in HIGHLY selective universities. You are still a cold mom.