Do you secretly resent DH for not making enough money for you to be a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"YES! Agree completely. And do you think that your BF is a backwards, bizarre, 1950s, Donna Reed who is being entirely unfair to her husband??? I hope not - and I would think not, since you find her worthy to be a BF. And yes, I am like her in that I would resent being away from my DCs 40 hrs a week, but not like her in the exercise/maintenance =) "

No, of course I don't think my BF is bizarre. I think she found someone whose ideas of family life match hers very well. I'm pretty sure her husband is proud or something that she doesn't have to work, and didn't, even when he was unemployed for a long stretch. They are both from well off families, both had moms who SAH and did the charity circuit. She was the quintessential B student in school, reasonably smart but not driven. I'm just an entirely different animal.

You are an entirely different animal as in you are smarter and more driven, you mean? Wow, you even threw your BF under the bus.
Not all SAHMs do so because they lack smarts or ambition. Please understand this.

BF SAH because she is very traditional (think James Dobson, Bringing Up Boys, traditional) and because she is very financially secure with family money. She's smart but not at all driven. Do you understand that very driven women could well be unhappy SAH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP who's so offended by my use of the term "gender stereotyping": First off, when men start opting to stay home as often as women do, then maybe it won't be a gender sterotype. But until then, yes, it's somehow usually the woman's job to leave the work force and stay home taking care of the kids and the house. (Because she makes so much less money. And I won't even go into why THAT'S the case.) And second, let's not forget what gave you your much-vaunted "choice": a husband. No man, no "choice". No wonder you're so defensive. Face it; some of us decided to stay home and our kids did great. Others decided to work and our kids also did great. Neither option guarantees a perfect outcome, as you will one day realize.

I understand what a stereotype is. What I am asking you to understand is that making the decision to SAH was not driven by stereotypes, or because DH expected me to, because 'society' expected me to, or because I was less skilled or making so much less than DH. I was making slightly more. I wanted to care for my own children full time. You apparently think it makes no difference whether children have a SAH parent - I beg to differ.

You might think this is terribly old-fashioned too, but um, no husband, no "child." At least in my case. And who said anything about having idealized visions of "perfect outcomes?" Things are not "perfect", even now. But please do not reduce my decision to dedicate some years full time to my kids as a poor little woman succumbing to stereotypes.

[Anonymous]

"You apparently think it makes no difference whether children have a SAH parent - I beg to differ. "

But what if it really did make no difference in your kids' cases? Wouldn't you regret having wasted your career potential? I would. My kids are doing just great with two full time WOHPs. I do see many other families who have kids with all sorts of issues, and having one parent SAH, work part time or on a slower track career is very helpful to those families. If you have kids who aren't having educational, behavioral or social problems, though, I don't think having one parent SAH makes any important difference.

What difference do you expect to see in my kids because they've never had a SAHP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"YES! Agree completely. And do you think that your BF is a backwards, bizarre, 1950s, Donna Reed who is being entirely unfair to her husband??? I hope not - and I would think not, since you find her worthy to be a BF. And yes, I am like her in that I would resent being away from my DCs 40 hrs a week, but not like her in the exercise/maintenance =) "

No, of course I don't think my BF is bizarre. I think she found someone whose ideas of family life match hers very well. I'm pretty sure her husband is proud or something that she doesn't have to work, and didn't, even when he was unemployed for a long stretch. They are both from well off families, both had moms who SAH and did the charity circuit. She was the quintessential B student in school, reasonably smart but not driven. I'm just an entirely different animal.

You are an entirely different animal as in you are smarter and more driven, you mean? Wow, you even threw your BF under the bus.
Not all SAHMs do so because they lack smarts or ambition. Please understand this.

BF SAH because she is very traditional (think James Dobson, Bringing Up Boys, traditional) and because she is very financially secure with family money. She's smart but not at all driven. Do you understand that very driven women could well be unhappy SAH?

But only reasonably smart.... Yes, I do. As a SAHM, I struggle some days with the lack of intellectual stimulation and sense of gratification that comes from moving forward in a career. I am the same Type A I was prior to kids, only I channel my energy into my job as a SAHM now. In fact, I think that my Type A personality is part of why I insist on doing the child care myself and not leaving it anyone else. And I don't see being a SAHM as the end of it all. When all DCs are in school full time, I know I will take on new ventures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"You apparently think it makes no difference whether children have a SAH parent - I beg to differ. "

But what if it really did make no difference in your kids' cases? Wouldn't you regret having wasted your career potential? I would. My kids are doing just great with two full time WOHPs. I do see many other families who have kids with all sorts of issues, and having one parent SAH, work part time or on a slower track career is very helpful to those families. If you have kids who aren't having educational, behavioral or social problems, though, I don't think having one parent SAH makes any important difference.

What difference do you expect to see in my kids because they've never had a SAHP?

I agree that kids do great in all kinds of scenarios. I'll never be able to measure or compare because I can't go back and redo it. All I can tell you is that it is what "feels" right to us. Maybe its more for us than the kids -- DH feels more relaxed at work because he knows I am with the kids, he feels more connected to them during the day because we talk throughout the day about every detail that is happening with the kids - I feel more in control and relaxed because I am not splitting priorities, balancing schedules, dealing with competing interests. This is the scenario in which both DH and I are the best parents we know how to be. All the things my DCs and I did together in their toddler and preschool years, I would not have been able to do if I WOH. I know I will forever treasure that time. Maybe it won't make a bit of difference to them that they didn't spend that time in daycare or with a nanny instead of me, or maybe it will. Like I said, I can't pretend to know what the future will look like.

I CAN tell you - that I am not claiming that our decision is better than anyone else's. It was just best for us - it makes a difference for us.

[Anonymous]

"I am the same Type A I was prior to kids, only I channel my energy into my job as a SAHM now."

How much Type A energy does it take to deal with the boredom and drudgery of child care and housework?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"What I did not realize was that my choice was not made in a vacuum. My choice had a profound impact on my DH and it altered his ability to be focused as a husband and a father. He was more focused on “providing” for the kids and not as much on being a “father” to them. As a result, our priorities became mis-aligned and we had some serious problems - we were separated for 6 months and the SAH issue was a major contributing factor. We are doing much better but it took counseling and sacrifice on both our parts. "

Career WOHM here. I am astounded you didn't realize your choice was not being made in a vacuum. Didn't you talk constantly to your DH about this major lifestyle choice? DH and I agreed about a month into our relationship that he would feel too much pressure to ever be the sole breadwinner, and I agreed for myself. That was long before we got engaged!

You might want to read my earlier post for some context - it is the one with the "cautionary tale." But the bottom line was that, like the PP I was responding to, I was so hell-bent on SAH that nothing else mattered.

Being so hell bent on SAH is an honest explanation, but shockingly short sighted.

Right!! Which is what I admitted in my prior post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I am the same Type A I was prior to kids, only I channel my energy into my job as a SAHM now."

How much Type A energy does it take to deal with the boredom and drudgery of child care and housework?

I would say more than it takes to work a boring 9-5 office job staring at a computer.

[Anonymous]

NP here, and, yes, I do (resent my husband). For me, though, it's not about wanting to SAH full time, but to work part time. I have two little ones 1 and 3, and feel like I am missing out on the most formative years with them.

I work a full-time job, and and then also am expected to do all the cooking, grocery shopping, kids activities, lucn prep, weekend meal prep, etc. My husband won't even help take the kids to music class, dance class, birthday parties on the weekends (anytime he grudgingly agrees it is because of a fight), so I am running ragged on the weekends trying to crunch in everything. I have no time to myself at all.

Ideally, I would love to maintain my career by working part time and then have 2 days during the week that I am home with the kids, in addition to weekends, so we could do the mom-kids things that I envy SAHMs get to do with their kids. I wish my husband would help co-parent more, and help with other things around the house. Even simple things like home maintenance, he just says "NO" and then expects me to call the handyman, etc.

[Anonymous]

I am the gender stereotyper. Actually, I don't think it makes a difference whether a mother/parent stays home or not. I think the quality of child care is certainly important, but, as the mother of teenagers (who are doing awesomely, thank you), I can tell you that whether their parent stayed home or not has little to NO correlation to how smart, happy, or well-adjusted the kid is, unless the child received substandard care in the early years. As you said, you wanted to "cherish every moment ". Fine. But don't fool youself that it makes you a better parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the gender stereotyper. Actually, I don't think it makes a difference whether a mother/parent stays home or not. I think the quality of child care is certainly important, but, as the mother of teenagers (who are doing awesomely, thank you), I can tell you that whether their parent stayed home or not has little to NO correlation to how smart, happy, or well-adjusted the kid is, unless the child received substandard care in the early years. As you said, you wanted to "cherish every moment ". Fine. But don't fool youself that it makes you a better parent.

It does make ME a better parent than I would be if I WOH. I know myself well enough to know that much. Doesn't apply to everyone, obviously. I know what I want for my children and for our family and I could not achieve that if I WOH. Again, just me.

Congrats that your teenagers are doing awesomely.

[Anonymous]

"And I don't see being a SAHM as the end of it all. When all DCs are in school full time, I know I will take on new ventures. "

No sale here.

You and your children will continue to be totally dependent on your DH for financial support. Not smart to put all of your eggs in one basket. Haven't you read the many posts from SAHMs who are being dumped by their DHs and are in financial straits.

But you get brownie points for being oh, so smug.

[Anonymous]

I agree that kids do great in all kinds of scenarios. I'll "never be able to measure or compare because I can't go back and redo it. All I can tell you is that it is what "feels" right to us. Maybe its more for us than the kids -- DH feels more relaxed at work because he knows I am with the kids, he feels more connected to them during the day because we talk throughout the day about every detail that is happening with the kids - I feel more in control and relaxed because I am not splitting priorities, balancing schedules, dealing with competing interests. This is the scenario in which both DH and I are the best parents we know how to be. All the things my DCs and I did together in their toddler and preschool years, I would not have been able to do if I WOH. I know I will forever treasure that time. Maybe it won't make a bit of difference to them that they didn't spend that time in daycare or with a nanny instead of me, or maybe it will. Like I said, I can't pretend to know what the future will look like. "

What time did DH treasure with the kiddos?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious how people feel about this. I love my DH and he is a great dad. I do not feel like this all the time, but occasionally I feel sadness and slight resentment toward DH that he does not make enough for me to quit my job and be a stay at home mom! This is my confession. I would never admit I feel this way to anyone b/c I think it is terrible. I would never tell DH I feel this way! BUt I really want to be home with my kids and money, of course, is the only reason I can't. I truly appreciate everything DH does but there is still part of me that is resentful! I feel so bad about it!!

Why don't YOU make enough money to allow your husband to stay home?

You're whacked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"And I don't see being a SAHM as the end of it all. When all DCs are in school full time, I know I will take on new ventures. "

No sale here.

You and your children will continue to be totally dependent on your DH for financial support. Not smart to put all of your eggs in one basket. Haven't you read the many posts from SAHMs who are being dumped by their DHs and are in financial straits.

But you get brownie points for being oh, so smug.

You're a nut to make so many assumptions and predictions based on nothing. Do you WOH as a fortune teller?

What are you trying to make yourself feel better about? Did your DH dump you? Are you afraid he is going to?

Don't worry about my eggs or my baskets - I've got it covered.