(Vacation wife) Help. Spiraling.

[Anonymous]

May 2023 from OP

I'm still not sure where I want to go from here. I go through hopeful phases and then have moments where I am just done. I'm sick of the emotional rollercoaster, sick of the pain, sick of the time and resource blackhole this has all been, sick of working on therapies and having big conversations. If we can't, our kids have two great parents and I feel that I can look them in the eye someday and honestly tell them I gave it my all.

Do you still feel this way OP? It's been over two years since this post. What has changed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- everyone saying it's not my problem. I understand he is not my problem but in my mind, stability for my children is my problem. For example, if he moves to a studio far away and can't drive, then does he stop having custody of the kids? That would be so traumatic for them.

I have all my savings. He drained his savings to pay for his dui.

No you don't understand he's not your problem. You keep concerning yourself with the issues that HE brought up on HIMSELF.
Your husbands actions are traumatic .. NOT the end of the world.

Those kids will be adults and form their own opinion of that father of theirs. He will have to explain that -- NOT YOU.

What about the problems he brought upon her kids? That's OP's point. It's presumably best for the kids to be able to continue to see their father, so she's trying to figure out how to do that.

Not her problem- His.
He’s a grown man. Let him figure that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:May 2023 from OP

I'm still not sure where I want to go from here. I go through hopeful phases and then have moments where I am just done. I'm sick of the emotional rollercoaster, sick of the pain, sick of the time and resource blackhole this has all been, sick of working on therapies and having big conversations. If we can't, our kids have two great parents and I feel that I can look them in the eye someday and honestly tell them I gave it my all.

Do you still feel this way OP? It's been over two years since this post. What has changed?

What do you mean what has changed? I have kicked him out, filed for divorce, got myself a really substantial promotion ($80k-130k), continued therapy, have the kids in therapy, took the kids on several camping trips this summer. I've been working really, really hard to provide stability across every plane for the kids- physcial, mental, emotional, financial. My entire life has changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Stability for the children"? Don't make me laugh. You're the one who can't let go. Your children's father is in a self-destructive spiral. Don't you dare let him near your kids. You are their mother and you owe them safety first. They'll be fine if they never see him again, OP!

That is patently ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May 2023 from OP

I'm still not sure where I want to go from here. I go through hopeful phases and then have moments where I am just done. I'm sick of the emotional rollercoaster, sick of the pain, sick of the time and resource blackhole this has all been, sick of working on therapies and having big conversations. If we can't, our kids have two great parents and I feel that I can look them in the eye someday and honestly tell them I gave it my all.

Do you still feel this way OP? It's been over two years since this post. What has changed?

What do you mean what has changed? I have kicked him out, filed for divorce, got myself a really substantial promotion ($80k-130k), continued therapy, have the kids in therapy, took the kids on several camping trips this summer. I've been working really, really hard to provide stability across every plane for the kids- physcial, mental, emotional, financial. My entire life has changed.

I think PP means that your tone toward your ex has softened quite a bit in this last post. I dont think she is disputing that you're working your ass off and doing all of the things. But the way wrote this OP was almost like you made him your problem again, which he is certainly not. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions and you keep doing what you've been doing.

[Anonymous]

Op here-
He started acting depressed Jan 2020
Made worse by the pandemic March 2020
Affair was Feb 2020 til I found out in Jan 2023
I was devastated and got into therapy, he got into therapy and was really trying it appeared.
October 2023 I caught him texted his exgf and I kicked him out.

Between Jan 2020 - October 2023 there was around 5 or 6 instances of binge drinking- a work christmas party + bar after, a hang out with his best childhood guy friend, a wedding, and then 2 or 3 random times.

Those were all spread out enough over 4 years that it didn't feel or register to me as a major issue.

Since he moved out in October, there was one day in December he went to a guys poker night and I heard he was drunk from a mutual friend. But he didn't have the kids and it didn't really raise any red flags for me. Then the DUi happened in June.

Maybe I handled things incorrectly or was used to all my friends' husbands being drunk occassionally or was too preoccupied with the other things (cheating, job searching, parenting etc) to focus in on that.

All I hear from everyone- my kids, my family, his family, mutual friends, neighbors- how good of a dad he is. I understand that being a good dad doesn't happen in a vaccuum and that hurting your kids' mom, causing the family to break up does not equate to being a good dad. But I never thought I shouldn't give him 50% custody or the kids are in any danger in his care.

All I can be is honest and this is certainly not how I thought my life would end up and i am happy for everyone else who has it easier than I do, and I hope that my sharing can be beneficial to someone else who is struggling.

As for dating- I didn't intend to at all. I accidentally met someone. He is the most kind, thoughtful, intelligent, patient person I can imagine. He has become a true friend, confidant, and safe place for me. I have told him a million times that I will absolutely be understanding if this is too much and we have taken everything very slow. Maybe I'm still being selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Lord this man is the (non) gift that just keeps on giving.
I would rent the house out to somebody else, not to your ex. He doesn’t deserve that grace. You are a better person than him for even considering it, but I would set boundaries right now.

Ya, just be careful with kids at home Maybe an older, single woman would be fine. Maybe she would even do some of the driving for OP in exchange for reduced rent.

She sounds like she's in a really good position if she wanted to hire an au pair or get a grad student who wants cheap rent in exchange for driving and helping out with the kids.

+1
I was going to suggest dropping daycare for the youngest and getting an au pair. Alternatively, your kids are so young that what driving is necessary? I think you need to just drop all the extra activities. Honestly, that would be better for your kids and simplify things. They don’t need to be in the car to activities, car to see dad, etc.

Yeah, the activities part seemed like an odd priority to me for a 4 and 7 year old. Playdates, trips to the park, zoo, yes -- keep doing those things. But dance lessons, soccer, or whatever? That doesn't need to be a priority for kids this young during this chaos.

I think OP has a vision of a divorce where the kids suffer no impact and it’s important to her to maintain complete stability with both parents involved 50%, doing things the same exact way. That’s not divorce, though. She has to let that sh&t go.

This rang true for me. OP- how about it? Were you hoping for a fairytale divorce situation? I am not judging. You’ve worked hard and done amazing things and may now be newly, justifiably pissed that even in effing DIVORCE, he cannot get his act together.

So now, when the internet people are saying, what the heck are you thinking? Don’t let him move in!, it’s especially hard! My god, you’ve come so far. It isn’t fair.

And it’s not fair. And I’m sorry that things are going to get hard again before they get better. But you know in your heart that letting him move in is a bad idea. And that letting him drive your kids is a bad idea. And that you need to buy your kids’ own health insurance.

But now you are going to have to accept that. And own it. And yes it’s unfair.

But you should- imo-

Don’t let him move in or pay any money for his housing or anything else
Get your divorce finalized
See a financial advisor
Stop contributing to 529s
Buy cheapest healthcare on the exchange
Keep sending kid to daycare but ease up on pricey activities without making a huge thing of it
Massively scale back on other optional expenditures - you can’t live like you used to, whatever that means (and it’s unfair and it’s his fault! But it has to happen if you want to keep your kid in preK… but look for a cheaper one for next year if she won’t be in kindergarten by then)

Good luck. I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s not your fault but now you are at a point where you have to make some decisions and they must prioritize you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here-
He started acting depressed Jan 2020
Made worse by the pandemic March 2020
Affair was Feb 2020 til I found out in Jan 2023
I was devastated and got into therapy, he got into therapy and was really trying it appeared.
October 2023 I caught him texted his exgf and I kicked him out.

Between Jan 2020 - October 2023 there was around 5 or 6 instances of binge drinking- a work christmas party + bar after, a hang out with his best childhood guy friend, a wedding, and then 2 or 3 random times.

Those were all spread out enough over 4 years that it didn't feel or register to me as a major issue.

Since he moved out in October, there was one day in December he went to a guys poker night and I heard he was drunk from a mutual friend. But he didn't have the kids and it didn't really raise any red flags for me. Then the DUi happened in June.

Maybe I handled things incorrectly or was used to all my friends' husbands being drunk occassionally or was too preoccupied with the other things (cheating, job searching, parenting etc) to focus in on that.

All I hear from everyone- my kids, my family, his family, mutual friends, neighbors- how good of a dad he is. I understand that being a good dad doesn't happen in a vaccuum and that hurting your kids' mom, causing the family to break up does not equate to being a good dad. But I never thought I shouldn't give him 50% custody or the kids are in any danger in his care.

All I can be is honest and this is certainly not how I thought my life would end up and i am happy for everyone else who has it easier than I do, and I hope that my sharing can be beneficial to someone else who is struggling.

As for dating- I didn't intend to at all. I accidentally met someone. He is the most kind, thoughtful, intelligent, patient person I can imagine. He has become a true friend, confidant, and safe place for me. I have told him a million times that I will absolutely be understanding if this is too much and we have taken everything very slow. Maybe I'm still being selfish.

In your timeline, at what point did you legally separate, and where are you in the divorce process? There is clearly a downward spiral here that you need to insulate yourself from legally. Additionally, as others have suggested, you should plan as if you'll have zero financial or logistical help from him in the future. Anything he can provide is a windfall. It will help you make keep your house in order, and protect you from the psychological pain of unmet expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here-
He started acting depressed Jan 2020
Made worse by the pandemic March 2020
Affair was Feb 2020 til I found out in Jan 2023
I was devastated and got into therapy, he got into therapy and was really trying it appeared.
October 2023 I caught him texted his exgf and I kicked him out.

Between Jan 2020 - October 2023 there was around 5 or 6 instances of binge drinking- a work christmas party + bar after, a hang out with his best childhood guy friend, a wedding, and then 2 or 3 random times.

Those were all spread out enough over 4 years that it didn't feel or register to me as a major issue.

Since he moved out in October, there was one day in December he went to a guys poker night and I heard he was drunk from a mutual friend. But he didn't have the kids and it didn't really raise any red flags for me. Then the DUi happened in June.

Maybe I handled things incorrectly or was used to all my friends' husbands being drunk occassionally or was too preoccupied with the other things (cheating, job searching, parenting etc) to focus in on that.

All I hear from everyone- my kids, my family, his family, mutual friends, neighbors- how good of a dad he is. I understand that being a good dad doesn't happen in a vaccuum and that hurting your kids' mom, causing the family to break up does not equate to being a good dad. But I never thought I shouldn't give him 50% custody or the kids are in any danger in his care.

All I can be is honest and this is certainly not how I thought my life would end up and i am happy for everyone else who has it easier than I do, and I hope that my sharing can be beneficial to someone else who is struggling.

As for dating- I didn't intend to at all. I accidentally met someone. He is the most kind, thoughtful, intelligent, patient person I can imagine. He has become a true friend, confidant, and safe place for me. I have told him a million times that I will absolutely be understanding if this is too much and we have taken everything very slow. Maybe I'm still being selfish.

I’m guessing those friends, family, neighbors didn’t know about the binge drinking? 5-6 occasions over the course of a few years is actually a lot when you’re a 30-something dad. And how many of those occasions involved driving?

Have you gone to Al-Anon?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May 2023 from OP

I'm still not sure where I want to go from here. I go through hopeful phases and then have moments where I am just done. I'm sick of the emotional rollercoaster, sick of the pain, sick of the time and resource blackhole this has all been, sick of working on therapies and having big conversations. If we can't, our kids have two great parents and I feel that I can look them in the eye someday and honestly tell them I gave it my all.

Do you still feel this way OP? It's been over two years since this post. What has changed?

What do you mean what has changed? I have kicked him out, filed for divorce, got myself a really substantial promotion ($80k-130k), continued therapy, have the kids in therapy, took the kids on several camping trips this summer. I've been working really, really hard to provide stability across every plane for the kids- physcial, mental, emotional, financial. My entire life has changed.

Assuming they meant in relation to the bolded - do you still think your kids have TWO great parents? Do you still feel like you can look them in the eye and tell them (your children) that you gave it your all?

Getting sucked back into this toxic mess is not giving them your all. Letting an alcoholic drain half your savings for his own DUI is not giving them your all. Considering moving him into your basement because he can't even care for himself is not giving them your all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May 2023 from OP

I'm still not sure where I want to go from here. I go through hopeful phases and then have moments where I am just done. I'm sick of the emotional rollercoaster, sick of the pain, sick of the time and resource blackhole this has all been, sick of working on therapies and having big conversations. If we can't, our kids have two great parents and I feel that I can look them in the eye someday and honestly tell them I gave it my all.

Do you still feel this way OP? It's been over two years since this post. What has changed?

What do you mean what has changed? I have kicked him out, filed for divorce, got myself a really substantial promotion ($80k-130k), continued therapy, have the kids in therapy, took the kids on several camping trips this summer. I've been working really, really hard to provide stability across every plane for the kids- physcial, mental, emotional, financial. My entire life has changed.

Assuming they meant in relation to the bolded - do you still think your kids have TWO great parents? Do you still feel like you can look them in the eye and tell them (your children) that you gave it your all?

Getting sucked back into this toxic mess is not giving them your all. Letting an alcoholic drain half your savings for his own DUI is not giving them your all. Considering moving him into your basement because he can't even care for himself is not giving them your all.

No, I obviously don't think they have two great parents now. Yes, I do believe I have done the absolute best I can giving my kids my all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Lord this man is the (non) gift that just keeps on giving.
I would rent the house out to somebody else, not to your ex. He doesn’t deserve that grace. You are a better person than him for even considering it, but I would set boundaries right now.

Ya, just be careful with kids at home Maybe an older, single woman would be fine. Maybe she would even do some of the driving for OP in exchange for reduced rent.

She sounds like she's in a really good position if she wanted to hire an au pair or get a grad student who wants cheap rent in exchange for driving and helping out with the kids.

+1
I was going to suggest dropping daycare for the youngest and getting an au pair. Alternatively, your kids are so young that what driving is necessary? I think you need to just drop all the extra activities. Honestly, that would be better for your kids and simplify things. They don’t need to be in the car to activities, car to see dad, etc.

Yeah, the activities part seemed like an odd priority to me for a 4 and 7 year old. Playdates, trips to the park, zoo, yes -- keep doing those things. But dance lessons, soccer, or whatever? That doesn't need to be a priority for kids this young during this chaos.

I think OP has a vision of a divorce where the kids suffer no impact and it’s important to her to maintain complete stability with both parents involved 50%, doing things the same exact way. That’s not divorce, though. She has to let that sh&t go.

This rang true for me. OP- how about it? Were you hoping for a fairytale divorce situation? I am not judging. You’ve worked hard and done amazing things and may now be newly, justifiably pissed that even in effing DIVORCE, he cannot get his act together.

So now, when the internet people are saying, what the heck are you thinking? Don’t let him move in!, it’s especially hard! My god, you’ve come so far. It isn’t fair.

And it’s not fair. And I’m sorry that things are going to get hard again before they get better. But you know in your heart that letting him move in is a bad idea. And that letting him drive your kids is a bad idea. And that you need to buy your kids’ own health insurance.

But now you are going to have to accept that. And own it. And yes it’s unfair.

But you should- imo-

Don’t let him move in or pay any money for his housing or anything else
Get your divorce finalized
See a financial advisor
Stop contributing to 529s
Buy cheapest healthcare on the exchange
Keep sending kid to daycare but ease up on pricey activities without making a huge thing of it
Massively scale back on other optional expenditures - you can’t live like you used to, whatever that means (and it’s unfair and it’s his fault! But it has to happen if you want to keep your kid in preK… but look for a cheaper one for next year if she won’t be in kindergarten by then)

Good luck. I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s not your fault but now you are at a point where you have to make some decisions and they must prioritize you and your kids.

Op here. I'm 35, I don't know anyone divorced. Most of my friends are pregnant with or just had their 3rd babies. I'm the oldest out of my siblings/cousins- they are all engaged or newly married. I did work on in therapy that I have navigated life until now assuming everyone is perceiving life with the same morals, values, and goals as me. I guess I did envision two happy homes for the kids during divorce.

I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
All I hear from everyone- my kids, my family, his family, mutual friends, neighbors- how good of a dad he is. I understand that being a good dad doesn't happen in a vaccuum and that hurting your kids' mom, causing the family to break up does not equate to being a good dad. But I never thought I shouldn't give him 50% custody or the kids are in any danger in his care.

Do you still think the kids are safe in his care? He drove them hours away without a license. He lost said license because of his drinking.

I do not blame you at all - but I do think you were preoccupied with your own life (as you should!), and perhaps didn't notice how much he was drinking and how much danger he was putting your kids in.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you have been doing the absolute best you could. And look how far you've come! What a great raise, you are keeping your stable home, your family is nearby.

I know some of the responses have been harsh, but I think most people just want the best for your children. And worrying so much about what your ex is doing is just stressing you out and taking your attention and care away from them. I think ultimately you have to decide if you're going to wash your hands of him, or are you going to keep bailing him out when he next f///s up. If you decide to wash your hands and let him be an adult, you need to commit to it. Honestly, encourage him to move home for a bit if he cannot afford his rent. Offer to take the children (not like he can drive them to school or activities anyways) until he gets back on his feet. And then leave him to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

I'm sorry, what? WHAT?! You started dating someone two months after your husband moved out? That is INSANE. I couldn't even read past that point.

Meh, he was cheating on her for 3 years, plus how ever long he's been checked out for. Good for her for trying to move on.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of puritanical scolding of divorced or single moms for dating.

Issue now is with the lack of a stable co-parent is if dating is logistically feasible.

It's always so crazy to me that no one gives the same admonishing for men dating *during* their marriage, but oh no, two months after is too soon?! For a woman we can never do right. I'm assuming OP has enough on her plate right now that dating isn't top priority but you never know.

I dated while I was separated before I was divorced (and met my current husband then) BUT I didn't have kids, hadn't been cheated on, etc. OP kicked her husband out of the house in October and started dating someone right after that and she's really into him? How does she have time for that nonsense while dealing with all of this stuff, never mind her kids.

From her previous posts things had simmered down. He moved close by, was still an active and involved parent, and now she had 50% time alone. Sounds like the perfect time, it doesn't seem odd at all.

Ok, so you would date someone who had been with someone for 17 years, married for 8, has two young kids (one still in daycare), has been separated for two months, and is ending her first marriage 18 months after finding out her husband cheated on her, trying to work it out, and then dealing with his DUI? Sure, sure. Sounds like a winner to me! I don't care if OP wants to date for fun or just get some for herself, I'm all for that. But acting like this guy she met at this time in her life is some sort of real gem is, to me, raising huge red flags. But you all carry on.