Husband annoyed at taking his injured daughter to urgent care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I think you both let your DD down. If he was angry, you should have taken her. Surely you have frozen breast milk for your toddler.

Way to blame the victim

The victim is the child(ren). But aside from that, the fact that dad was wrong doesn't mean mom wasn't also wrong. Lots has caused this dynamic and led up to the reactions in this moment and you can't go back in time to get therapy right then. So you have to do what's possible right then.

In the moment, my priorities would have been getting older child medical care, getting older child emotional care, and then the toddler. That's why I said take the toddler in the car because DH was failing the first two. (Skip school or whatever tomorrow if he's exhausted because that's less important than priorities 1 and 2.) OP was more comfortable blaming him than taking charge.

Wow. OP did take charge and did get the children the care they need. The fact you are trying to twist this around and claim she did not is pretty spectacular. But sure, maybe she should have tiptoed on eggshells around her DH more effectively. So what now, where does that leave OP?
Op has to accept reality that her dh cannot handle the kids in any (but ideal) circumstances. She has to do double duty. In her place, I would've brought the nursing toddler to the urgent care along with the concussed child. No, it's not a great situation, but he probably said some abusive things to a child who was already suffering. You can't erase the harm he most surely did to that child.

Thank you for saying this: "Op has to accept reality that her dh cannot handle the kids in any (but ideal) circumstances." I'm the other poster who is getting jumped all over for saying the toddler should have gone too, but I strongly think that was the best of bad choices in the moment. The other posters are missing OP's contribution to the whole dynamic.

You lose me at “OP’s contribution to this whole dynamic.” OP is not contributing to her DH being a d*ck. She is reacting to it and coping with it. She did not “contribute” to him acting that way. I’m not clear on what your overall take here is - that OP needs to walk on ever more fragile eggshells forever? or what?

What I mean is acting like a victim instead of taking action. She needs to walk on fewer eggshells, not more. I'm not understanding why you think I'm implying more. If she'd stood up and not taken it years ago, last night wouldn't have happened. She's more comfortable complaining than making hard decisions.

DP
She's a parent of two young children in a really difficult situation with her spouse. You need to back off. You're being an awful human being right now.

Hard disagree. The best thing someone ever said to me was well are you going to divorce him or what? Only blaming him doesn't get anywhere regardless of how bad he is. There are things OP can do differently. The poster at 10:22 laid them out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could not stay married to someone like that and you should be calling out the tantrums and demanding that he go to a therapist to deal with his rage or you are divorcing his ass. And then do it. I would lose all respect and attraction for a man who shows so little care and compassion to his own children. Ick.

Same here. And cursing at the toddler?! No normal person does that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

Leave it to DCUM to demand a mom take a child having a medical emergency and a toddler past their bedtime to the hospital (so 2 upset, young children) so DH can get his beauty rest.

I didn’t say take both kids. Leave DH home with the *toddler” to do bedtime.

If you bothered to read - you would have read that the toddler is still nursing at night and OP thought her DH would have trouble getting him to sleep. This ultimately is not about who does what, but that in an emergency, the DH reacted with aggression instead of trying to solve the problem.

So? It’s time to wean the toddler establish better night time habits. In case of emergencies.

And also DH should stop being an abusive a-hole but I guess both of these things are equally important.

He probably won’t stop so OP should be giving up on the SAHM dream and get a job as the first step to independence. Is she willing to do that?

Is her DH going to allow her to do that?

How is he going to stop her?

Oh you sweet summer child. If only you knew.

Sorry but that type of husband would never have even taken the child. Don’t be naive.

Again you have a caricature in your mind of what this “type” of husband is. It does not look like an after school special. Things that he could do to undermine her getting a job?
- complain about it
- insult her, tell her she will never get a job
- tell her the job will be so low paying it doesn’t make sense to pay for child care
- drag feet or refuse to pay for childcare
- refuse to agree to watch kids while she does job interviews
- if she gets hired, refuse to consistent pick up/drop off schedule so that OP cannot get to work on time or stay for 8 hrs
- refuse to cover sick days because whatever is going on at his job is “more important”

None of this is insurmountable or means he will literally lock her up and refuse to let her work. But OP getting a job poses a huge financial and logistical change that means the DH will need to do a lot more he is not doing now, and moreover, that he will have to agree with OP that the financial change makes sense. that is not going to be easy.

A mother truly afraid for herself and her kids takes them to the hospital herself. That’s not what we’re dealing with here despite all the fiction you are spinning.

[Anonymous]

You need to look at your choices OP. You all do not seem safe in a house with him. He's basically emotionally and verbally abusing you all.

[Anonymous]

He could eventually slam your hand or child in the door you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you both let your DD down. If he was angry, you should have taken her. Surely you have frozen breast milk for your toddler.

Way to blame the victim

The victim is the child(ren). But aside from that, the fact that dad was wrong doesn't mean mom wasn't also wrong. Lots has caused this dynamic and led up to the reactions in this moment and you can't go back in time to get therapy right then. So you have to do what's possible right then.

In the moment, my priorities would have been getting older child medical care, getting older child emotional care, and then the toddler. That's why I said take the toddler in the car because DH was failing the first two. (Skip school or whatever tomorrow if he's exhausted because that's less important than priorities 1 and 2.) OP was more comfortable blaming him than taking charge.

Wow. OP did take charge and did get the children the care they need. The fact you are trying to twist this around and claim she did not is pretty spectacular. But sure, maybe she should have tiptoed on eggshells around her DH more effectively. So what now, where does that leave OP?
Op has to accept reality that her dh cannot handle the kids in any (but ideal) circumstances. She has to do double duty. In her place, I would've brought the nursing toddler to the urgent care along with the concussed child. No, it's not a great situation, but he probably said some abusive things to a child who was already suffering. You can't erase the harm he most surely did to that child.

Thank you for saying this: "Op has to accept reality that her dh cannot handle the kids in any (but ideal) circumstances." I'm the other poster who is getting jumped all over for saying the toddler should have gone too, but I strongly think that was the best of bad choices in the moment. The other posters are missing OP's contribution to the whole dynamic.

You lose me at “OP’s contribution to this whole dynamic.” OP is not contributing to her DH being a d*ck. She is reacting to it and coping with it. She did not “contribute” to him acting that way. I’m not clear on what your overall take here is - that OP needs to walk on ever more fragile eggshells forever? or what?

What I mean is acting like a victim instead of taking action. She needs to walk on fewer eggshells, not more. I'm not understanding why you think I'm implying more. If she'd stood up and not taken it years ago, last night wouldn't have happened. She's more comfortable complaining than making hard decisions.

DP
She's a parent of two young children in a really difficult situation with her spouse. You need to back off. You're being an awful human being right now.

Hard disagree. The best thing someone ever said to me was well are you going to divorce him or what? Only blaming him doesn't get anywhere regardless of how bad he is. There are things OP can do differently. The poster at 10:22 laid them out.

I am the person who wrote 10:22 and I do not in any way, shape or form endorse the harassment above. You dgaf about OP. You are being cruel. Please stop and go away and reflect on why you are choosing to harass and belittle a person in a very difficult situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

Leave it to DCUM to demand a mom take a child having a medical emergency and a toddler past their bedtime to the hospital (so 2 upset, young children) so DH can get his beauty rest.

Leave it to DCUM to scream abuse and divorce and then explain why it was totally okay to leave the kid with the so-called abuser.

Found the abusive DH.

Men act like this because they feel that they can. They know that OP is trapped with them and leaving will be very difficult for her.

Nope. I’m a woman. If her DH is abusive she needs to protect both her children. She’s not.

what did you do when you were in this situation? Oh you weren't? You are just harassing people about a situation you know nothing about?

Given your own emotional reaction, perhaps you are unable to see clearly enough to help OP.

Now you are lashing out at me for pointing out you have no business being in this thread much less offering your advice/harassment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

Leave it to DCUM to demand a mom take a child having a medical emergency and a toddler past their bedtime to the hospital (so 2 upset, young children) so DH can get his beauty rest.

I didn’t say take both kids. Leave DH home with the *toddler” to do bedtime.

If you bothered to read - you would have read that the toddler is still nursing at night and OP thought her DH would have trouble getting him to sleep. This ultimately is not about who does what, but that in an emergency, the DH reacted with aggression instead of trying to solve the problem.

So? It’s time to wean the toddler establish better night time habits. In case of emergencies.

And also DH should stop being an abusive a-hole but I guess both of these things are equally important.

He probably won’t stop so OP should be giving up on the SAHM dream and get a job as the first step to independence. Is she willing to do that?

Is her DH going to allow her to do that?

How is he going to stop her?

Oh you sweet summer child. If only you knew.

Sorry but that type of husband would never have even taken the child. Don’t be naive.

Again you have a caricature in your mind of what this “type” of husband is. It does not look like an after school special. Things that he could do to undermine her getting a job?
- complain about it
- insult her, tell her she will never get a job
- tell her the job will be so low paying it doesn’t make sense to pay for child care
- drag feet or refuse to pay for childcare
- refuse to agree to watch kids while she does job interviews
- if she gets hired, refuse to consistent pick up/drop off schedule so that OP cannot get to work on time or stay for 8 hrs
- refuse to cover sick days because whatever is going on at his job is “more important”

None of this is insurmountable or means he will literally lock her up and refuse to let her work. But OP getting a job poses a huge financial and logistical change that means the DH will need to do a lot more he is not doing now, and moreover, that he will have to agree with OP that the financial change makes sense. that is not going to be easy.

A mother truly afraid for herself and her kids takes them to the hospital herself. That’s not what we’re dealing with here despite all the fiction you are spinning.

what did you do when you were in this situation? Oh you weren't? You are just harassing people about a situation you know nothing about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

Leave it to DCUM to demand a mom take a child having a medical emergency and a toddler past their bedtime to the hospital (so 2 upset, young children) so DH can get his beauty rest.

I didn’t say take both kids. Leave DH home with the *toddler” to do bedtime.

If you bothered to read - you would have read that the toddler is still nursing at night and OP thought her DH would have trouble getting him to sleep. This ultimately is not about who does what, but that in an emergency, the DH reacted with aggression instead of trying to solve the problem.

So? It’s time to wean the toddler establish better night time habits. In case of emergencies.

And also DH should stop being an abusive a-hole but I guess both of these things are equally important.

He probably won’t stop so OP should be giving up on the SAHM dream and get a job as the first step to independence. Is she willing to do that?

Is her DH going to allow her to do that?

How is he going to stop her?

Oh you sweet summer child. If only you knew.

Sorry but that type of husband would never have even taken the child. Don’t be naive.

Again you have a caricature in your mind of what this “type” of husband is. It does not look like an after school special. Things that he could do to undermine her getting a job?
- complain about it
- insult her, tell her she will never get a job
- tell her the job will be so low paying it doesn’t make sense to pay for child care
- drag feet or refuse to pay for childcare
- refuse to agree to watch kids while she does job interviews
- if she gets hired, refuse to consistent pick up/drop off schedule so that OP cannot get to work on time or stay for 8 hrs
- refuse to cover sick days because whatever is going on at his job is “more important”

None of this is insurmountable or means he will literally lock her up and refuse to let her work. But OP getting a job poses a huge financial and logistical change that means the DH will need to do a lot more he is not doing now, and moreover, that he will have to agree with OP that the financial change makes sense. that is not going to be easy.

A mother truly afraid for herself and her kids takes them to the hospital herself. That’s not what we’re dealing with here despite all the fiction you are spinning.

what did you do when you were in this situation? Oh you weren't? You are just harassing people about a situation you know nothing about?

Do you even know what harassment is? Maybe take a walk you’re overly invested in this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

Leave it to DCUM to demand a mom take a child having a medical emergency and a toddler past their bedtime to the hospital (so 2 upset, young children) so DH can get his beauty rest.

I didn’t say take both kids. Leave DH home with the *toddler” to do bedtime.

If you bothered to read - you would have read that the toddler is still nursing at night and OP thought her DH would have trouble getting him to sleep. This ultimately is not about who does what, but that in an emergency, the DH reacted with aggression instead of trying to solve the problem.

So? It’s time to wean the toddler establish better night time habits. In case of emergencies.

And also DH should stop being an abusive a-hole but I guess both of these things are equally important.

He probably won’t stop so OP should be giving up on the SAHM dream and get a job as the first step to independence. Is she willing to do that?

Is her DH going to allow her to do that?

How is he going to stop her?

Oh you sweet summer child. If only you knew.

Sorry but that type of husband would never have even taken the child. Don’t be naive.

Again you have a caricature in your mind of what this “type” of husband is. It does not look like an after school special. Things that he could do to undermine her getting a job?
- complain about it
- insult her, tell her she will never get a job
- tell her the job will be so low paying it doesn’t make sense to pay for child care
- drag feet or refuse to pay for childcare
- refuse to agree to watch kids while she does job interviews
- if she gets hired, refuse to consistent pick up/drop off schedule so that OP cannot get to work on time or stay for 8 hrs
- refuse to cover sick days because whatever is going on at his job is “more important”

None of this is insurmountable or means he will literally lock her up and refuse to let her work. But OP getting a job poses a huge financial and logistical change that means the DH will need to do a lot more he is not doing now, and moreover, that he will have to agree with OP that the financial change makes sense. that is not going to be easy.

A mother truly afraid for herself and her kids takes them to the hospital herself. That’s not what we’re dealing with here despite all the fiction you are spinning.

what did you do when you were in this situation? Oh you weren't? You are just harassing people about a situation you know nothing about?

Do you even know what harassment is? Maybe take a walk you’re overly invested in this.

Yes, what you are doing is harassment. Go away. Or do you have trouble letting go?

[Anonymous]

That's so cruel and unfeeling. I'm really sorry, OP and others with spouses who behave like this.

My husband is autistic and not compassionate in his daily life, but since he's also a doctor, he knows which medical situation to take seriously and has no issues waking up in the middle of the night or spending hours in the ER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

Leave it to DCUM to demand a mom take a child having a medical emergency and a toddler past their bedtime to the hospital (so 2 upset, young children) so DH can get his beauty rest.

I didn’t say take both kids. Leave DH home with the *toddler” to do bedtime.

If you bothered to read - you would have read that the toddler is still nursing at night and OP thought her DH would have trouble getting him to sleep. This ultimately is not about who does what, but that in an emergency, the DH reacted with aggression instead of trying to solve the problem.

So? It’s time to wean the toddler establish better night time habits. In case of emergencies.

And also DH should stop being an abusive a-hole but I guess both of these things are equally important.

He probably won’t stop so OP should be giving up on the SAHM dream and get a job as the first step to independence. Is she willing to do that?

Is her DH going to allow her to do that?

How is he going to stop her?

Oh you sweet summer child. If only you knew.

Sorry but that type of husband would never have even taken the child. Don’t be naive.

Again you have a caricature in your mind of what this “type” of husband is. It does not look like an after school special. Things that he could do to undermine her getting a job?
- complain about it
- insult her, tell her she will never get a job
- tell her the job will be so low paying it doesn’t make sense to pay for child care
- drag feet or refuse to pay for childcare
- refuse to agree to watch kids while she does job interviews
- if she gets hired, refuse to consistent pick up/drop off schedule so that OP cannot get to work on time or stay for 8 hrs
- refuse to cover sick days because whatever is going on at his job is “more important”

None of this is insurmountable or means he will literally lock her up and refuse to let her work. But OP getting a job poses a huge financial and logistical change that means the DH will need to do a lot more he is not doing now, and moreover, that he will have to agree with OP that the financial change makes sense. that is not going to be easy.

A mother truly afraid for herself and her kids takes them to the hospital herself. That’s not what we’re dealing with here despite all the fiction you are spinning.

what did you do when you were in this situation? Oh you weren't? You are just harassing people about a situation you know nothing about?

Do you even know what harassment is? Maybe take a walk you’re overly invested in this.

Yes, what you are doing is harassment. Go away. Or do you have trouble letting go?

You’re in here windmilling against everyone who doesn’t agree with you. Even OP doesn’t even come in here to tell us what steps she’s taking or has considered. Just another day of someone moaning their spouse doesn’t help. A tale as old as time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

Leave it to DCUM to demand a mom take a child having a medical emergency and a toddler past their bedtime to the hospital (so 2 upset, young children) so DH can get his beauty rest.

I didn’t say take both kids. Leave DH home with the *toddler” to do bedtime.

If you bothered to read - you would have read that the toddler is still nursing at night and OP thought her DH would have trouble getting him to sleep. This ultimately is not about who does what, but that in an emergency, the DH reacted with aggression instead of trying to solve the problem.

So? It’s time to wean the toddler establish better night time habits. In case of emergencies.

And also DH should stop being an abusive a-hole but I guess both of these things are equally important.

He probably won’t stop so OP should be giving up on the SAHM dream and get a job as the first step to independence. Is she willing to do that?

Is her DH going to allow her to do that?

How is he going to stop her?

Oh you sweet summer child. If only you knew.

Sorry but that type of husband would never have even taken the child. Don’t be naive.

Again you have a caricature in your mind of what this “type” of husband is. It does not look like an after school special. Things that he could do to undermine her getting a job?
- complain about it
- insult her, tell her she will never get a job
- tell her the job will be so low paying it doesn’t make sense to pay for child care
- drag feet or refuse to pay for childcare
- refuse to agree to watch kids while she does job interviews
- if she gets hired, refuse to consistent pick up/drop off schedule so that OP cannot get to work on time or stay for 8 hrs
- refuse to cover sick days because whatever is going on at his job is “more important”

None of this is insurmountable or means he will literally lock her up and refuse to let her work. But OP getting a job poses a huge financial and logistical change that means the DH will need to do a lot more he is not doing now, and moreover, that he will have to agree with OP that the financial change makes sense. that is not going to be easy.

A mother truly afraid for herself and her kids takes them to the hospital herself. That’s not what we’re dealing with here despite all the fiction you are spinning.

what did you do when you were in this situation? Oh you weren't? You are just harassing people about a situation you know nothing about?

Do you even know what harassment is? Maybe take a walk you’re overly invested in this.

Yes, what you are doing is harassment. Go away. Or do you have trouble letting go?

You’re in here windmilling against everyone who doesn’t agree with you. Even OP doesn’t even come in here to tell us what steps she’s taking or has considered. Just another day of someone moaning their spouse doesn’t help. A tale as old as time.

So yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just really over my husband's inability to control his temper during any kind of stressful parenting situation. Case in point, a couple days ago my 6 yo daughter came home from camp where she had a basketball hit her on the side of the head. Initially she seemed ok but around dinnertime started complaining of severe ear pain and a headache. Called her pediatrician who advised us to go to urgent care to get her checked out. As I'm still breastfeeding a young toddler, my husband was to take her and spent the entire time they were getting ready to go huffing around the house, slamming dresser drawers or whatever, because he was pissed that he had to go, because he didn't think her pain was "that bad" and "nobody gets a concussion from a basketball." Meanwhile this is while I'm comforting my daughter who is in a lot of pain. On the way out he slammed the front door. Cute. Turns out she had a pretty severe injury and ended up vomiting and dizzy and needed to be admitted to the hospital.. she's doing a lot better now but I'm just still so angry when I think about his temper tantrum about taking his injured kid to urgent care.

Oh and a few weeks ago our toddler had a nosebleed in the middle of the night and my husband and I were with him to help, and my husband was just so angry at having been woken up that he was cussing out the toddler,"WTF (toddler name!)! It's the middle of the night! ARRRGHHHH", and stomping around, meanwhile the poor kid can't help that he had a nosebleed and is scared and stressed out already and I'm trying to get both of them to calm down.

These are both medical examples but he loses it during any kind of mundane stress, kid won't get ready for school on time, kid isn't hungry and won't eat at dinner, kid isn't listening, whatever. Just normal everyday parental interactions he manages to get so worked up and makes every situation worse and way more stressful than it needs to be. We use an easy 1,2,3 then time-out strategy at our house when our kids our misbehaving, which works well for them, and he never remembers to use it, just lets himself get super annoyed and angry instead and then blows up. We talk about it and he admits he loses his patience too easily and feels bad but we never get beyond that.

Why did you have the second child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s anxiety, but still not ok. Tell him it’s unacceptable and he needs help.

Agree. He needs to get on an SSRI stat.