Husband annoyed at taking his injured daughter to urgent care

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

Leave it to DCUM to demand a mom take a child having a medical emergency and a toddler past their bedtime to the hospital (so 2 upset, young children) so DH can get his beauty rest.

Leave it to DCUM to scream abuse and divorce and then explain why it was totally okay to leave the kid with the so-called abuser.

So wait do you think he is abusive or no? It sounds like you don't.

If he is actually abusive, then OP is asking the wrong question.

What question should she be asking?

How should I best protect my children from this point on.

Don't ask him to parent. I am serious. Divorce when the kids are much older. 50/50 is almost guaranteed. You can't leave the kids with him. I waited 10 years to leave.

Your lifestyle will also plummet. You need to get back to work YEARS before divorcing.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

Leave it to DCUM to demand a mom take a child having a medical emergency and a toddler past their bedtime to the hospital (so 2 upset, young children) so DH can get his beauty rest.

I didn’t say take both kids. Leave DH home with the *toddler” to do bedtime.

If you bothered to read - you would have read that the toddler is still nursing at night and OP thought her DH would have trouble getting him to sleep. This ultimately is not about who does what, but that in an emergency, the DH reacted with aggression instead of trying to solve the problem.

So? It’s time to wean the toddler establish better night time habits. In case of emergencies.

And also DH should stop being an abusive a-hole but I guess both of these things are equally important.

He probably won’t stop so OP should be giving up on the SAHM dream and get a job as the first step to independence. Is she willing to do that?

Is her DH going to allow her to do that?

How is he going to stop her?

Oh you sweet summer child. If only you knew.

Sorry but that type of husband would never have even taken the child. Don’t be naive.

Again you have a caricature in your mind of what this “type” of husband is. It does not look like an after school special. Things that he could do to undermine her getting a job?
- complain about it
- insult her, tell her she will never get a job
- tell her the job will be so low paying it doesn’t make sense to pay for child care
- drag feet or refuse to pay for childcare
- refuse to agree to watch kids while she does job interviews
- if she gets hired, refuse to consistent pick up/drop off schedule so that OP cannot get to work on time or stay for 8 hrs
- refuse to cover sick days because whatever is going on at his job is “more important”

None of this is insurmountable or means he will literally lock her up and refuse to let her work. But OP getting a job poses a huge financial and logistical change that means the DH will need to do a lot more he is not doing now, and moreover, that he will have to agree with OP that the financial change makes sense. that is not going to be easy.

[Anonymous]

OP's DH is training her to call a friend or an ambulance when she needs help. If he is going to help, it is going to avoid friction. If she is rational, she will stop asking him to get involved. This is a pretty common tactic men like this use to lower the expectations. It's all part of the weaponized incompetence thing they do.

[Anonymous]

I was the child in this situation and, let me tell you, op, it gets worse. Please protect your kids by working on yourself and acknowledging your contribution to the dynamic in the home. Your dh is not being an effective or healthy parent and you aren't, either. We don't have the whole story. In my childhood home, it was alcoholism and infidelity, along with generational trauma. I have spent 15 years in therapy trying to fix the damage my parents caused. There were good times...plenty of them, but the bad times messed me up.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm just really over my husband's inability to control his temper during any kind of stressful parenting situation. Case in point, a couple days ago my 6 yo daughter came home from camp where she had a basketball hit her on the side of the head. Initially she seemed ok but around dinnertime started complaining of severe ear pain and a headache. Called her pediatrician who advised us to go to urgent care to get her checked out. As I'm still breastfeeding a young toddler, my husband was to take her and spent the entire time they were getting ready to go huffing around the house, slamming dresser drawers or whatever, because he was pissed that he had to go, because he didn't think her pain was "that bad" and "nobody gets a concussion from a basketball." Meanwhile this is while I'm comforting my daughter who is in a lot of pain. On the way out he slammed the front door. Cute. Turns out she had a pretty severe injury and ended up vomiting and dizzy and needed to be admitted to the hospital.. she's doing a lot better now but I'm just still so angry when I think about his temper tantrum about taking his injured kid to urgent care.

Oh and a few weeks ago our toddler had a nosebleed in the middle of the night and my husband and I were with him to help, and my husband was just so angry at having been woken up that he was cussing out the toddler,"WTF (toddler name!)! It's the middle of the night! ARRRGHHHH", and stomping around, meanwhile the poor kid can't help that he had a nosebleed and is scared and stressed out already and I'm trying to get both of them to calm down.

These are both medical examples but he loses it during any kind of mundane stress, kid won't get ready for school on time, kid isn't hungry and won't eat at dinner, kid isn't listening, whatever. Just normal everyday parental interactions he manages to get so worked up and makes every situation worse and way more stressful than it needs to be. We use an easy 1,2,3 then time-out strategy at our house when our kids our misbehaving, which works well for them, and he never remembers to use it, just lets himself get super annoyed and angry instead and then blows up. We talk about it and he admits he loses his patience too easily and feels bad but we never get beyond that.

Are you a SAHM? If so, do your job.

Get out of here with this misogyny. You’re disgusting. Children are the responsibility of both parents.

Does OP help her husband with his job?

Children are not typically considered the exclusive job of one parent. I hope that clears things up for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

Leave it to DCUM to demand a mom take a child having a medical emergency and a toddler past their bedtime to the hospital (so 2 upset, young children) so DH can get his beauty rest.

Leave it to DCUM to scream abuse and divorce and then explain why it was totally okay to leave the kid with the so-called abuser.

Found the abusive DH.

Men act like this because they feel that they can. They know that OP is trapped with them and leaving will be very difficult for her.

Nope. I’m a woman. If her DH is abusive she needs to protect both her children. She’s not.

what did you do when you were in this situation? Oh you weren't? You are just harassing people about a situation you know nothing about?

Given your own emotional reaction, perhaps you are unable to see clearly enough to help OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds worthless. Have you considered looking into divorce? I could not imagine having to wake up next to such a miserable person every day for the rest of my life.

He would get 50/50 custody if he wants it in a divorce. People truly do not understand what divorce is like.

She can sleep in the other room. I'm divorced. These problems don't go away. They just get worse in a divorce.

I held off divorce until my kid was old enough to be physically safe with DH’s inattentive habits. The truth is, DH’s bad behavior was mainly triggered by me. So divorce helped a lot by reducing the conflict. I could not live with the increasing level of aggression that started to include physical stuff.

[Anonymous]

You need to find a job and start planning toward independence, but OP sounds like too much of a tradwife for that. He’s a jerk and no amount of therapy will change that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t see this as a dire situation. OP always gets her way. DH took the child to urgent care and got up with the other one in the night when OP wanted him to. She doesn’t seem very powerless here.

+1. My DH gets annoyed and grumpy when he is tired, woken up abruptly, etc. it doesn’t mean anything and he isn’t dangerous. I just give him some space so he can be grouchy without impacting me most days, but in an emergency he will snap at me and the kids occasionally and there isn’t time to get some caffeine in him first. Nobody’s perfect, I usually get an apology later. I think this is being blown entirely out of proportion.

Who are these women who aren’t at least a little grouchy when woken abruptly? I sure am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's DH is training her to call a friend or an ambulance when she needs help. If he is going to help, it is going to avoid friction. If she is rational, she will stop asking him to get involved. This is a pretty common tactic men like this use to lower the expectations. It's all part of the weaponized incompetence thing they do.

+1000000. Mine trained me to call an Uber.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t see this as a dire situation. OP always gets her way. DH took the child to urgent care and got up with the other one in the night when OP wanted him to. She doesn’t seem very powerless here.

+1. My DH gets annoyed and grumpy when he is tired, woken up abruptly, etc. it doesn’t mean anything and he isn’t dangerous. I just give him some space so he can be grouchy without impacting me most days, but in an emergency he will snap at me and the kids occasionally and there isn’t time to get some caffeine in him first. Nobody’s perfect, I usually get an apology later. I think this is being blown entirely out of proportion.

Who are these women who aren’t at least a little grouchy when woken abruptly? I sure am.

Right? Somehow I manage not to yell at my sick and distressed toddler in the middle of the night. Incredible. I must be a hero.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's DH is training her to call a friend or an ambulance when she needs help. If he is going to help, it is going to avoid friction. If she is rational, she will stop asking him to get involved. This is a pretty common tactic men like this use to lower the expectations. It's all part of the weaponized incompetence thing they do.

+1000000. Mine trained me to call an Uber.

Thanks and I had meant to say "if he is going to help, it is going to INVOLVE friction." Got up too early today.

The nicer ones just play dumb, but the nasty ones melt down until you just stop asking them for anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds worthless. Have you considered looking into divorce? I could not imagine having to wake up next to such a miserable person every day for the rest of my life.

He would get 50/50 custody if he wants it in a divorce. People truly do not understand what divorce is like.

She can sleep in the other room. I'm divorced. These problems don't go away. They just get worse in a divorce.

I held off divorce until my kid was old enough to be physically safe with DH’s inattentive habits. The truth is, DH’s bad behavior was mainly triggered by me. So divorce helped a lot by reducing the conflict. I could not live with the increasing level of aggression that started to include physical stuff.

The kids have to be old enough. I also waited until they were old enough. They can't be under 10 years old in this situation. I have been there. If someone leaves when the kids are little in this situation, it is very bad. I have seen it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Children are not typically considered the exclusive job of one parent.

np

Typically, no.
Ideally, no.

If however DCUMland is remotely based on reality, you are insane to believe a husband will make an effort to parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

Leave it to DCUM to demand a mom take a child having a medical emergency and a toddler past their bedtime to the hospital (so 2 upset, young children) so DH can get his beauty rest.

I didn’t say take both kids. Leave DH home with the *toddler” to do bedtime.

If you bothered to read - you would have read that the toddler is still nursing at night and OP thought her DH would have trouble getting him to sleep. This ultimately is not about who does what, but that in an emergency, the DH reacted with aggression instead of trying to solve the problem.

So? It’s time to wean the toddler establish better night time habits. In case of emergencies.

And also DH should stop being an abusive a-hole but I guess both of these things are equally important.

He probably won’t stop so OP should be giving up on the SAHM dream and get a job as the first step to independence. Is she willing to do that?

Is her DH going to allow her to do that?

How is he going to stop her?

Oh you sweet summer child. If only you knew.

Sorry but that type of husband would never have even taken the child. Don’t be naive.

Again you have a caricature in your mind of what this “type” of husband is. It does not look like an after school special. Things that he could do to undermine her getting a job?
- complain about it
- insult her, tell her she will never get a job
- tell her the job will be so low paying it doesn’t make sense to pay for child care
- drag feet or refuse to pay for childcare
- refuse to agree to watch kids while she does job interviews
- if she gets hired, refuse to consistent pick up/drop off schedule so that OP cannot get to work on time or stay for 8 hrs
- refuse to cover sick days because whatever is going on at his job is “more important”

None of this is insurmountable or means he will literally lock her up and refuse to let her work. But OP getting a job poses a huge financial and logistical change that means the DH will need to do a lot more he is not doing now, and moreover, that he will have to agree with OP that the financial change makes sense. that is not going to be easy.

We already know OP takes the easy way out.