“Family money” becoming more important in dating

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would want to know everything about the family of possible soon-to-be-in-laws. Wealth, health, marriages/divorces, any felons or mental illness, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I would want to know everything about the family of possible soon-to-be-in-laws. Wealth, health, marriages/divorces, any felons or mental illness, etc.

Lol

When the matriarch is trying to marry off a needy mentally disordered adult kid, good luck with those disclosures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly , the COL is going way up, it’s really hard to buy a house and replicate a UMC lifestyle. The people who can do it while working regular jobs in a big city have family money: cover house down payment, no burdensome student loans, maybe inherit someone’s car etc

In this case we aren't talking about serious family money. We are just talking about the kids coming from stable boomer families that saved.

I wish I understood this more. I came from a LMC family but my parents would be give me the shirt off their backs. They don’t have much but are willing to help anyway they can. My in-laws are UMC frugal boomers worth millions and we won’t see a cent until they die. If we go to their house and they order Chinese, we have to split the bill with them.

That’s called cheap, not frugal.

Retirees should be enjoying their money, not penny pinching their adult children’s families for money, meals out, trips and stuff. So tacky and cheap. It’s like a sport to make other people pay their way.

Pay it forward.

I actually think it's an honor and privilege to pay for my parents, even though they are financially well-off and I am not. They spent over $400,000 on my education, so it’s the least I can do! On the other hand, my in-laws didn’t contribute anything to my spouse’s education, and they take thousands of dollars away each month that could instead go into 529 plans for our children.

Takeaway - if your parents aren't a burden to your spouse or children, then consider yourself a winner.

What does your spouse think?

Do your parents thank you BOTH (or only you?), when you whip out your CC to pay for them?

Do you also pay for the same sorts of things for your in law parents? More or less? Do they thank you both (or only you?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly , the COL is going way up, it’s really hard to buy a house and replicate a UMC lifestyle. The people who can do it while working regular jobs in a big city have family money: cover house down payment, no burdensome student loans, maybe inherit someone’s car etc

In this case we aren't talking about serious family money. We are just talking about the kids coming from stable boomer families that saved.

I wish I understood this more. I came from a LMC family but my parents would be give me the shirt off their backs. They don’t have much but are willing to help anyway they can. My in-laws are UMC frugal boomers worth millions and we won’t see a cent until they die. If we go to their house and they order Chinese, we have to split the bill with them.

Are you trying to argue that your parents are more noble because they are poor and, therefore, don’t help but theoretically would if they could? Are you the guy sending money to your poor but noble parents instead of saving for your kids’ college? You do realize how ridiculous that sounds, right? Also, when you say "we won’t see a cent," it suggests that you feel entitled to your in-laws' money. You are not entitled to it, and you never will be, just as I'm sure you don't intend to leave whatever legacy you have to your kids’ future ex-spouses.

Ugh. This.

[Anonymous]

Ego or generosity. Time will tell

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly , the COL is going way up, it’s really hard to buy a house and replicate a UMC lifestyle. The people who can do it while working regular jobs in a big city have family money: cover house down payment, no burdensome student loans, maybe inherit someone’s car etc

In this case we aren't talking about serious family money. We are just talking about the kids coming from stable boomer families that saved.

I wish I understood this more. I came from a LMC family but my parents would be give me the shirt off their backs. They don’t have much but are willing to help anyway they can. My in-laws are UMC frugal boomers worth millions and we won’t see a cent until they die. If we go to their house and they order Chinese, we have to split the bill with them.

That’s called cheap, not frugal.

Retirees should be enjoying their money, not penny pinching their adult children’s families for money, meals out, trips and stuff. So tacky and cheap. It’s like a sport to make other people pay their way.

Pay it forward.

I actually think it's an honor and privilege to pay for my parents, even though they are financially well-off and I am not. They spent over $400,000 on my education, so it’s the least I can do! On the other hand, my in-laws didn’t contribute anything to my spouse’s education, and they take thousands of dollars away each month that could instead go into 529 plans for our children.

Takeaway - if your parents aren't a burden to your spouse or children, then consider yourself a winner.

Wtf.

Is this a joke?

How are you angry at your in laws for how they spend their money on themselves, and call it “taking away from money you could have for your children”.

There are all kinds of stuff they may want to do with their money - travel, philanthropy, health needs, other Adult children that your spouse, other grandchildren than yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trusts protect adult kids and grand kids from bad divorce situations.
They also protect said kids from second and third family drama and loss of financials.

What’s the word everyone needs in their revocable and irrevocable trusts? Mutual descendants only.

Spendthrift trusts can also protect the next generation from their spendthrift parents, or they can protect a direct descendant from their spendthrift spouse.

This is how 99% of trusts work. Posts like OP's are because some uneducated people think they are entitled to another family's money by marriage, which is just not the case and never will be. Think about it from the perspective of the person who earned the money and set up the trust.

I think a marriage into a family like yours: the husband and wife need to realize they will never be the only two people in that marriage.

Not everyone is attracted to that kind of arrangement, especially when you are talking about high earning individuals themselves.

Go in eyes wide open.

I don’t get it. A high earning spouse doesn’t like trust fund benefits? Of their own or their spouse?

Why would you make that claim?

When in-laws are so involved in all financial decisions the marriage will never be between just 2 people.
I dated uber wealthy individuals - they would never tolerate it. It’s not for people who are successful financially on their own.

Based on responses here, majority are not really from wealthy families. More so the boomers who saved. Really wealthy person won’t charge their kids family for Chinese food . So tacky, indeed!

Sure they will. First generation rich dgaf about tact.

No man with self respect and a good career of his own would tolerate it

Agree.

One side of the family all fights to pay the bill, or splits it half the time to end the fight or pay pay the bill game.

Other side of the family, retired, has millions and it’s crickets when a bill comes. Petty and cheap as F. To force one’s son and his wife to pay their way whilst also in the highest expense period of their lives for 20+ years (kids, housing, retirement saving, college savings, wedding savings, etc,).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly , the COL is going way up, it’s really hard to buy a house and replicate a UMC lifestyle. The people who can do it while working regular jobs in a big city have family money: cover house down payment, no burdensome student loans, maybe inherit someone’s car etc

In this case we aren't talking about serious family money. We are just talking about the kids coming from stable boomer families that saved.

I wish I understood this more. I came from a LMC family but my parents would be give me the shirt off their backs. They don’t have much but are willing to help anyway they can. My in-laws are UMC frugal boomers worth millions and we won’t see a cent until they die. If we go to their house and they order Chinese, we have to split the bill with them.

That’s called cheap, not frugal.

Retirees should be enjoying their money, not penny pinching their adult children’s families for money, meals out, trips and stuff. So tacky and cheap. It’s like a sport to make other people pay their way.

Pay it forward.

I actually think it's an honor and privilege to pay for my parents, even though they are financially well-off and I am not. They spent over $400,000 on my education, so it’s the least I can do! On the other hand, my in-laws didn’t contribute anything to my spouse’s education, and they take thousands of dollars away each month that could instead go into 529 plans for our children.

Takeaway - if your parents aren't a burden to your spouse or children, then consider yourself a winner.

What does your spouse think?

Do your parents thank you BOTH (or only you?), when you whip out your CC to pay for them?

Do you also pay for the same sorts of things for your in law parents? More or less? Do they thank you both (or only you?)

That's a good question. My dad takes pride in the fact that his kids are successful enough to cover the bill when we go out to dinner. He also pays for a lot of other expenses, including a nice vacation for his knowledge ds and all their families, which more than offsets any meals I pay for. DH’s opinion is irrelevant under the circumstdances.

As for my in-laws, we bought their home and send them extra money each month. This support really adds up and will only increase over time. None of my husband’s siblings contribute to this, and one of his parents seems to feel entitled to this support, believing it’s his son’s duty to take care of him. My father-in-law retired early in his 50s, and my husband has been responsible for his care ever since, even before we got married. The amount of money we send to his parents has been an ongoing issue in our marriage. At one point, my husband wanted me to stop contributing to our children's college fund because finances were tight, largely due to the money we were sending to his parents every month. It’s a sensitive topic, and his family is burdensome.

I advise my own kids to be cautious about dating someone whose parents aren't financially stable. It's important to dig into this during the dating phase. Supporting in-laws can lead to marriage problems, financial stress, and can detract from your own kids' well-being. It's not a situation you want to find yourself in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly , the COL is going way up, it’s really hard to buy a house and replicate a UMC lifestyle. The people who can do it while working regular jobs in a big city have family money: cover house down payment, no burdensome student loans, maybe inherit someone’s car etc

In this case we aren't talking about serious family money. We are just talking about the kids coming from stable boomer families that saved.

I wish I understood this more. I came from a LMC family but my parents would be give me the shirt off their backs. They don’t have much but are willing to help anyway they can. My in-laws are UMC frugal boomers worth millions and we won’t see a cent until they die. If we go to their house and they order Chinese, we have to split the bill with them.

That’s called cheap, not frugal.

Retirees should be enjoying their money, not penny pinching their adult children’s families for money, meals out, trips and stuff. So tacky and cheap. It’s like a sport to make other people pay their way.

Pay it forward.

I actually think it's an honor and privilege to pay for my parents, even though they are financially well-off and I am not. They spent over $400,000 on my education, so it’s the least I can do! On the other hand, my in-laws didn’t contribute anything to my spouse’s education, and they take thousands of dollars away each month that could instead go into 529 plans for our children.

Takeaway - if your parents aren't a burden to your spouse or children, then consider yourself a winner.

What does your spouse think?

Do your parents thank you BOTH (or only you?), when you whip out your CC to pay for them?

Do you also pay for the same sorts of things for your in law parents? More or less? Do they thank you both (or only you?)

That's a good question. My dad takes pride in the fact that his kids are successful enough to cover the bill when we go out to dinner. He also pays for a lot of other expenses, including a nice vacation for his knowledge ds and all their families, which more than offsets any meals I pay for. DH’s opinion is irrelevant under the circumstdances.

As for my in-laws, we bought their home and send them extra money each month. This support really adds up and will only increase over time. None of my husband’s siblings contribute to this, and one of his parents seems to feel entitled to this support, believing it’s his son’s duty to take care of him. My father-in-law retired early in his 50s, and my husband has been responsible for his care ever since, even before we got married. The amount of money we send to his parents has been an ongoing issue in our marriage. At one point, my husband wanted me to stop contributing to our children's college fund because finances were tight, largely due to the money we were sending to his parents every month. It’s a sensitive topic, and his family is burdensome.

I advise my own kids to be cautious about dating someone whose parents aren't financially stable. It's important to dig into this during the dating phase. Supporting in-laws can lead to marriage problems, financial stress, and can detract from your own kids' well-being. It's not a situation you want to find yourself in.

me again. My also parents provide a lot of free childcare. They have come to watch our kids when my husband and I go on vacations together. They also stay with me when my husband has a heavy work travel schedule, and I often feel stretched thin between my job and the kids. In this situation, one side of the family, though cheap, is very helpful, while the other side feels like a burden.
Plus, even though it’s not their philosophy to give big lifetime gifts, they will leave quite a bit of money to us kids when they die, which is nice, and they have a comprehensive end of life plan that is fully funded.

[Anonymous]

To the PP: This honestly sounds like a cultural difference. I come from an immigrant family and married into a UMC American family and the dynamic is similar. It used to bother me, but now I realize it is just the way we were raised and our family cultures. Your in-laws have certain expectations because of their relationships with their parents. It is what it is. Be thankful that they're stable and have not needed your financial support, and that they're in a position to leave your children with something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly , the COL is going way up, it’s really hard to buy a house and replicate a UMC lifestyle. The people who can do it while working regular jobs in a big city have family money: cover house down payment, no burdensome student loans, maybe inherit someone’s car etc

In this case we aren't talking about serious family money. We are just talking about the kids coming from stable boomer families that saved.

I wish I understood this more. I came from a LMC family but my parents would be give me the shirt off their backs. They don’t have much but are willing to help anyway they can. My in-laws are UMC frugal boomers worth millions and we won’t see a cent until they die. If we go to their house and they order Chinese, we have to split the bill with them.

That’s called cheap, not frugal.

Retirees should be enjoying their money, not penny pinching their adult children’s families for money, meals out, trips and stuff. So tacky and cheap. It’s like a sport to make other people pay their way.

Pay it forward.

I actually think it's an honor and privilege to pay for my parents, even though they are financially well-off and I am not. They spent over $400,000 on my education, so it’s the least I can do! On the other hand, my in-laws didn’t contribute anything to my spouse’s education, and they take thousands of dollars away each month that could instead go into 529 plans for our children.

Takeaway - if your parents aren't a burden to your spouse or children, then consider yourself a winner.

Is this cultural for you? Is your spouse if the same culture?

Are you a son? Oldest son?

Do you have implicit or explicit agreements with your parents for who pays, retirement, elderly care, future living arrangements? Or are you free and they are/have made arrangements (long term care insurance, clear wills, saving/investments, downsizing plans, care home general locations, no crazy burial demands they have not pre-arranged/prepaid)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly , the COL is going way up, it’s really hard to buy a house and replicate a UMC lifestyle. The people who can do it while working regular jobs in a big city have family money: cover house down payment, no burdensome student loans, maybe inherit someone’s car etc

In this case we aren't talking about serious family money. We are just talking about the kids coming from stable boomer families that saved.

I wish I understood this more. I came from a LMC family but my parents would be give me the shirt off their backs. They don’t have much but are willing to help anyway they can. My in-laws are UMC frugal boomers worth millions and we won’t see a cent until they die. If we go to their house and they order Chinese, we have to split the bill with them.

That’s called cheap, not frugal.

Retirees should be enjoying their money, not penny pinching their adult children’s families for money, meals out, trips and stuff. So tacky and cheap. It’s like a sport to make other people pay their way.

Pay it forward.

I actually think it's an honor and privilege to pay for my parents, even though they are financially well-off and I am not. They spent over $400,000 on my education, so it’s the least I can do! On the other hand, my in-laws didn’t contribute anything to my spouse’s education, and they take thousands of dollars away each month that could instead go into 529 plans for our children.

Takeaway - if your parents aren't a burden to your spouse or children, then consider yourself a winner.

Is this cultural for you? Is your spouse if the same culture?

Are you a son? Oldest son?

Do you have implicit or explicit agreements with your parents for who pays, retirement, elderly care, future living arrangements? Or are you free and they are/have made arrangements (long term care insurance, clear wills, saving/investments, downsizing plans, care home general locations, no crazy burial demands they have not pre-arranged/prepaid)?

Were all 8th + generation American. My parents have arrangements for everything including but they are philosophically opposed to lifetime cash gifts. Non-issue because I started on third base with a big law salary and zero debt.

DH’s parents have nothing saved. We own the house they live in. We give them more money. They are a burden and their support takes away from what we can do for our kids.

The next generation is wise to consider the family when they marry. It's not like they need to find someone with significant family money or a trust fund. Just choose a partner whose parents won’t become a financial burden in the future; it's just not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Tale as old as time.

Only before everyone stayed in the same village. Until someone get fed up enough to move far far away, or overseas immigrate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No I've heard the importance of dating someone with two married parents though. They're much more focused on it than my generation was.

There are hardly any adults with two married parents anymore.

Most adults in my family, friends and acquaintances. Its still extremely common, specially among educated upperclass, non alcoholic couples.

+1 accurate description

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is better among equals. Men can handle having one with more money in relationship but modern women can't. I've friends who married early, husbands supported them in their medical school and training journey with their income and did primary parenting as well and they really look down upon their husbands or got rid of them soon after big doctor salary checks started coming.

Roughly 3.9% of males are 6'2" or taller. About 38.5% of males have a college degree. About 24.2% of males are in good shape. About 13.2% of males can play musical instruments well. Less than 1% of males are D1 athletes. Less than 10% of males have the GQ look. Added all up, the number is probably less than 0.5% of the population. Those guys may not have the money now, but they have a very high ceiling to become successful. Ladies, you just won the lifetime lottery by being married to these guys. Those guys have the upper hand in marriage because they always have "options".



​