“Family money” becoming more important in dating

[Anonymous]

I’m was a basic middle class public school kid who married someone with substantial family wealth. I love my spouse, no regrets, but money can cause all sorts of issues and you can’t really talk to anyone about them, because you’ll sound ridiculous. It can be isolating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly , the COL is going way up, it’s really hard to buy a house and replicate a UMC lifestyle. The people who can do it while working regular jobs in a big city have family money: cover house down payment, no burdensome student loans, maybe inherit someone’s car etc

In this case we aren't talking about serious family money. We are just talking about the kids coming from stable boomer families that saved.

I don't think it's about the cost of elder care, or access to a multi-million dollar trust fund - I think these young kids are wondering if their lifestyle will be cushioned/supported by their parents/in-laws.


Look at the post about the parent who was going to pay their adult kids costs to attend a destination wedding. Or helping out with daycare costs, or travel sports, or any other sort of UMC "nice to have"/keeping up with the Joneses.

Some of this additional parental support is because everything is more expensive, but some of it is also because younger generations have higher expectations for their standard of living.

At the risk of sounding like a boomer (GenXer) - when my friends and I were in our 20s, we had crappy cars and crappy apartments with hand me downs. We did cheap or free things around town, drank inexpensive booze at house parties. And we were all from UMC families and went on to join the UMC ourselves.

This is just based on what I see on social media and a handful
of young adults- but the 20-somethings I know all have much nicer things and experiences.

So that's why they care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly , the COL is going way up, it’s really hard to buy a house and replicate a UMC lifestyle. The people who can do it while working regular jobs in a big city have family money: cover house down payment, no burdensome student loans, maybe inherit someone’s car etc

In this case we aren't talking about serious family money. We are just talking about the kids coming from stable boomer families that saved.

Sure. People know how much senior care cost and don't want to be saddled with it for a partners family. My inalws may leave us nothing but they are covered for the rest of their retirement, got a place in a good community, enough for medical care etc etc. that's all that matters to us.

This.

I am fifty and I did not think about family money when I dated when younger and I would have thought it disgusting for someone to be more or less interested in dating someone because of their family money, student loans or lack thereof, etc.

But honestly, it's smart to consider all of that as A factor (not THE factor).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married into money and wish I didn't. We both came from wealthy families. Not sure how to explain, but there is something distasteful about very wealthy people.

I’m so curious about this, would love to hear more if you wouldn’t mind sharing! Is the distaste about entitlement because they think their money makes their opinions more important than others’?

This is a nice way to put it. I thought - I can’t believe PP left us hanging like that!

[Anonymous]

I don’t know about “more important”. It’s always been a traditional prerequisite for marriage that a potential son in law be able to support a wife in “the manner to which she is accustomed”. Most UMC families consider it part of their responsibility to ensure that their children are set up for financial success and ideally don’t tie themselves to someone with significant financial dysfunction in their families

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m was a basic middle class public school kid who married someone with substantial family wealth. I love my spouse, no regrets, but money can cause all sorts of issues and you can’t really talk to anyone about them, because you’ll sound ridiculous. It can be isolating.

what sort of issues have you seen / dealt with?

[Anonymous]

No I've heard the importance of dating someone with two married parents though. They're much more focused on it than my generation was.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had paid more attention to the relationship of their parents. So many divorces.

Money can come and go. The importance is not if they have family money but if they know how to make their own money without relying on others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No I've heard the importance of dating someone with two married parents though. They're much more focused on it than my generation was.

I'm 44 and I focused on this, because I have divorced parents and it's a giant pain. I think the focus is on avoiding anyone with a difficult family situation. Married parents can be difficult in other ways. And if someone's parent has passed away that doesn't make them a bad choice, because you don't have to hassle with divorced senior citizens in that scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No I've heard the importance of dating someone with two married parents though. They're much more focused on it than my generation was.

I'm 44 and I focused on this, because I have divorced parents and it's a giant pain. I think the focus is on avoiding anyone with a difficult family situation. Married parents can be difficult in other ways. And if someone's parent has passed away that doesn't make them a bad choice, because you don't have to hassle with divorced senior citizens in that scenario.

PP here. A widowed parent is not looked down upon like a divorced parent.

[Anonymous]

Imo finding someone with no debt, some ambition, financial sense and a good career trajectory has a way better outcome than marrying someone upper middle class. Unless someone is really wealthy, it doesn't benefit your life much. Better to stay in similar financial level so lifestyles are similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No I've heard the importance of dating someone with two married parents though. They're much more focused on it than my generation was.

I'm 44 and I focused on this, because I have divorced parents and it's a giant pain. I think the focus is on avoiding anyone with a difficult family situation. Married parents can be difficult in other ways. And if someone's parent has passed away that doesn't make them a bad choice, because you don't have to hassle with divorced senior citizens in that scenario.

PP here. A widowed parent is not looked down upon like a divorced parent.

Right. It's sad but not problematic. Whereas married parents who publicly fight or ask for money or drink too much or whatever, or siblings like that, are not okay. It's about the difficulty of dealing with the in-laws, rather than their marital status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m was a basic middle class public school kid who married someone with substantial family wealth. I love my spouse, no regrets, but money can cause all sorts of issues and you can’t really talk to anyone about them, because you’ll sound ridiculous. It can be isolating.

what sort of issues have you seen / dealt with?

Feeling like we have to keep it a secret to be friends with the type of people we like to spend time with. (We don’t hang out with other wealthy people.) Loss of ambition. Not really needing to work and trying to figure out how to have a meaningful life. Trying to keep kids grounded and wondering if we’re depriving them sometimes because we could give them so much more, but we don’t. Feeling like we don’t deserve any of it. Mismatch in general attitudes about money—like my DH just doesn’t really think about it, ever. It’s just there and taken for granted. I’m constantly trying to budget and rationalize and think about how to hold onto it or make more of it, and it’s all just ridiculous. Ingrained thinking.

[Anonymous]

I recently discussed this topic with my 24-year-old son and 23-year-old daughter, and here’s what they shared:

Daughter’s Perspective:
*"When it comes to dating, I look for three key qualities in a guy I’m already attracted to:

Kindness;

A good sense of humor;

The ability to build a stable future.
He doesn’t need to be successful right away—as long as he has a clear plan to get there."*

Son’s Perspective:
*"For me, two things matter most in a woman I’m already interested in:

A limited relationship history (ideally fewer than two past partners);

Someone who supports my goals and vision to secure long-term stability."*

[Anonymous]

Where do you think these kids learned about family money? Grandma is paying their tuition and vacation.