Harsh comment on being a Sahm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

She’s a dependent, just like her kids. Not a good look for an educated adult who is perfectly capable of working but would rather play tennis.

Where do you think that a middle aged woman with decades long gap in her resume is going to find work? She's useless on the market.

Do you think people who work in caring professions are useless? The work is low paid and devalued precisely because it has traditionally been seen as women’s work. So you are part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

My kids have done this and I'm a single parent with full custody who also has a full time job. I told them my tasks aren't the same as yours and just like I don't know everything you do at school, you dont know everything adults and others do to keep things safe, well maintained, and grow money and help with the growth of children. We watched Downton Abbey where they have more singular jobs and are still running around all day and I told them they could make more money than me and hire people for these real jobs but that I didn't have the money for that. Till then they could either respect the work or give me some actual time off where they did these chores instead of me compromising their other activities.

I think sometimes they say this stuff to convince themselves that being an adult isn't such a scary thing. Also because they are self centered and because they are tired from all the responsibilities of being a teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

She’s a dependent, just like her kids. Not a good look for an educated adult who is perfectly capable of working but would rather play tennis.

If the things she is doing are worth paying someone for, like cooking, cleaning, driving the kids, then she is not a dependent. She is doing unpaid work. Not to mention the amount you would have to pay for all of that would likely exceed what a moderate to moderately high earner would earn.

You are sick person if you would deprive someone who does unpaid work a couple of hours of relaxation time or resources for themself. OP is doing work in the evening hours while many people are chilling in front of the TV.

Lol she told us she would rather play tennis. I doubt she spends her day doing chores. Everything is outsourced. But yes she is working so hard!

In fairness, playing tennis is harder than pushing papers and answering emails at your desk all day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

She’s a dependent, just like her kids. Not a good look for an educated adult who is perfectly capable of working but would rather play tennis.

If the things she is doing are worth paying someone for, like cooking, cleaning, driving the kids, then she is not a dependent. She is doing unpaid work. Not to mention the amount you would have to pay for all of that would likely exceed what a moderate to moderately high earner would earn.

You are sick person if you would deprive someone who does unpaid work a couple of hours of relaxation time or resources for themself. OP is doing work in the evening hours while many people are chilling in front of the TV.

Lol she told us she would rather play tennis. I doubt she spends her day doing chores. Everything is outsourced. But yes she is working so hard!

In fairness, playing tennis is harder than pushing papers and answering emails at your desk all day

Oh please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

She’s a dependent, just like her kids. Not a good look for an educated adult who is perfectly capable of working but would rather play tennis.

If the things she is doing are worth paying someone for, like cooking, cleaning, driving the kids, then she is not a dependent. She is doing unpaid work. Not to mention the amount you would have to pay for all of that would likely exceed what a moderate to moderately high earner would earn.

You are sick person if you would deprive someone who does unpaid work a couple of hours of relaxation time or resources for themself. OP is doing work in the evening hours while many people are chilling in front of the TV.

Lol she told us she would rather play tennis. I doubt she spends her day doing chores. Everything is outsourced. But yes she is working so hard!

I missed where OP said everything is outsourced.
Everything?
All of the shopping and cooking?
All of the cleaning and laundry?
All of the home maintenance, repairs, and gardening?
All of the driving?
All of the planning and admin tasks?
All of the providing presence and emotional support?

Did OP hire a household manager who oversees the maids, gardener, cook, handyman, tutor, counselor, and driver?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

She’s a dependent, just like her kids. Not a good look for an educated adult who is perfectly capable of working but would rather play tennis.

If the things she is doing are worth paying someone for, like cooking, cleaning, driving the kids, then she is not a dependent. She is doing unpaid work. Not to mention the amount you would have to pay for all of that would likely exceed what a moderate to moderately high earner would earn.

You are sick person if you would deprive someone who does unpaid work a couple of hours of relaxation time or resources for themself. OP is doing work in the evening hours while many people are chilling in front of the TV.

Lol she told us she would rather play tennis. I doubt she spends her day doing chores. Everything is outsourced. But yes she is working so hard!

I missed where OP said everything is outsourced.
Everything?
All of the shopping and cooking?
All of the cleaning and laundry?
All of the home maintenance, repairs, and gardening?
All of the driving?
All of the planning and admin tasks?
All of the providing presence and emotional support?

Did OP hire a household manager who oversees the maids, gardener, cook, handyman, tutor, counselor, and driver?

You are missing the point. Even full-time WOTH moms manage to get this stuff done, right? And some WOTH moms seem to get this stuff done as well as, if not even better than some SAHMs.
Just *acknowledge* the reality because no smart kid is actually going to buy the excuse that SAHMs of teenagers are somehow doing a lot of meaningful work. And if you have a graduate degree, it's kind of shameful to not be working if you have teenagers without unusual circumstances. Teenagers are going to make these comments because they're at a point in their lives where there is a lot of pressure about colleges and careers, and if you have a remotely thinking teenagers, they're going to draw the perfectly logical conclusion that their SAH mom has a college (and perhaps even graduate) degree but doesn't need one for the kind of responsibilities that she has. And it's true. All the arguments about this is the choice that mom and dad made, mom does a lot of stuff for the household, mom already had a job before she had kids, etc., etc., are reasons for SAH, but give the fact that there are WOTH moms who manage to balance careers and family -- and seem to be doing perfectly fine with perfectly fine kids and families -- should raise the question in any teenager's mind, especially for girls, as to why they should bother aiming for a top college or thinking about careers if in the end their parents' actions show that they're not really necessary, or even desireable.

I know several SAHMs of teens in my neighborhood. They are nice, friendly, social and have interests, but objectively, they are not particularly "productive" members of society aside from some things they get done for the household that a lot of WOTH parents manage *also* to get done. I also know several WOTHs with careers that contribute to society in meaningful ways, and these WOTH moms manage to chauffeur their kids, make healthy meals, take care of household stuff, walk the dog, etc., etc. In my neighborhood, both types outsource housekeeping and some shopping (i.e., grocery delivery). I suspect the WOTH moms are more type-A and super organized. And the SAHMs are more disorganized, but less stressed. Interestingly, both have the same levels of education, with the exception of the moms with MDs -- they all work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

She’s a dependent, just like her kids. Not a good look for an educated adult who is perfectly capable of working but would rather play tennis.

If the things she is doing are worth paying someone for, like cooking, cleaning, driving the kids, then she is not a dependent. She is doing unpaid work. Not to mention the amount you would have to pay for all of that would likely exceed what a moderate to moderately high earner would earn.

You are sick person if you would deprive someone who does unpaid work a couple of hours of relaxation time or resources for themself. OP is doing work in the evening hours while many people are chilling in front of the TV.

Lol she told us she would rather play tennis. I doubt she spends her day doing chores. Everything is outsourced. But yes she is working so hard!

I missed where OP said everything is outsourced.
Everything?
All of the shopping and cooking?
All of the cleaning and laundry?
All of the home maintenance, repairs, and gardening?
All of the driving?
All of the planning and admin tasks?
All of the providing presence and emotional support?

Did OP hire a household manager who oversees the maids, gardener, cook, handyman, tutor, counselor, and driver?

You are missing the point. Even full-time WOTH moms manage to get this stuff done, right? And some WOTH moms seem to get this stuff done as well as, if not even better than some SAHMs.
Just *acknowledge* the reality because no smart kid is actually going to buy the excuse that SAHMs of teenagers are somehow doing a lot of meaningful work. And if you have a graduate degree, it's kind of shameful to not be working if you have teenagers without unusual circumstances. Teenagers are going to make these comments because they're at a point in their lives where there is a lot of pressure about colleges and careers, and if you have a remotely thinking teenagers, they're going to draw the perfectly logical conclusion that their SAH mom has a college (and perhaps even graduate) degree but doesn't need one for the kind of responsibilities that she has. And it's true. All the arguments about this is the choice that mom and dad made, mom does a lot of stuff for the household, mom already had a job before she had kids, etc., etc., are reasons for SAH, but give the fact that there are WOTH moms who manage to balance careers and family -- and seem to be doing perfectly fine with perfectly fine kids and families -- should raise the question in any teenager's mind, especially for girls, as to why they should bother aiming for a top college or thinking about careers if in the end their parents' actions show that they're not really necessary, or even desireable.

I know several SAHMs of teens in my neighborhood. They are nice, friendly, social and have interests, but objectively, they are not particularly "productive" members of society aside from some things they get done for the household that a lot of WOTH parents manage *also* to get done. I also know several WOTHs with careers that contribute to society in meaningful ways, and these WOTH moms manage to chauffeur their kids, make healthy meals, take care of household stuff, walk the dog, etc., etc. In my neighborhood, both types outsource housekeeping and some shopping (i.e., grocery delivery). I suspect the WOTH moms are more type-A and super organized. And the SAHMs are more disorganized, but less stressed. Interestingly, both have the same levels of education, with the exception of the moms with MDs -- they all work.

Breaking your theory- many moms with MD stop working too.

[Anonymous]

What do you do all day OP?

Whatever it is, just stop. Don’t grocery shop or meal plan or do anyone else’s laundry or clean the house or … insert all the other things I’m sure you handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

She’s a dependent, just like her kids. Not a good look for an educated adult who is perfectly capable of working but would rather play tennis.

If the things she is doing are worth paying someone for, like cooking, cleaning, driving the kids, then she is not a dependent. She is doing unpaid work. Not to mention the amount you would have to pay for all of that would likely exceed what a moderate to moderately high earner would earn.

You are sick person if you would deprive someone who does unpaid work a couple of hours of relaxation time or resources for themself. OP is doing work in the evening hours while many people are chilling in front of the TV.

Lol she told us she would rather play tennis. I doubt she spends her day doing chores. Everything is outsourced. But yes she is working so hard!

I missed where OP said everything is outsourced.
Everything?
All of the shopping and cooking?
All of the cleaning and laundry?
All of the home maintenance, repairs, and gardening?
All of the driving?
All of the planning and admin tasks?
All of the providing presence and emotional support?

Did OP hire a household manager who oversees the maids, gardener, cook, handyman, tutor, counselor, and driver?

You are missing the point. Even full-time WOTH moms manage to get this stuff done, right? And some WOTH moms seem to get this stuff done as well as, if not even better than some SAHMs.
Just *acknowledge* the reality because no smart kid is actually going to buy the excuse that SAHMs of teenagers are somehow doing a lot of meaningful work. And if you have a graduate degree, it's kind of shameful to not be working if you have teenagers without unusual circumstances. Teenagers are going to make these comments because they're at a point in their lives where there is a lot of pressure about colleges and careers, and if you have a remotely thinking teenagers, they're going to draw the perfectly logical conclusion that their SAH mom has a college (and perhaps even graduate) degree but doesn't need one for the kind of responsibilities that she has. And it's true. All the arguments about this is the choice that mom and dad made, mom does a lot of stuff for the household, mom already had a job before she had kids, etc., etc., are reasons for SAH, but give the fact that there are WOTH moms who manage to balance careers and family -- and seem to be doing perfectly fine with perfectly fine kids and families -- should raise the question in any teenager's mind, especially for girls, as to why they should bother aiming for a top college or thinking about careers if in the end their parents' actions show that they're not really necessary, or even desireable.

I know several SAHMs of teens in my neighborhood. They are nice, friendly, social and have interests, but objectively, they are not particularly "productive" members of society aside from some things they get done for the household that a lot of WOTH parents manage *also* to get done. I also know several WOTHs with careers that contribute to society in meaningful ways, and these WOTH moms manage to chauffeur their kids, make healthy meals, take care of household stuff, walk the dog, etc., etc. In my neighborhood, both types outsource housekeeping and some shopping (i.e., grocery delivery). I suspect the WOTH moms are more type-A and super organized. And the SAHMs are more disorganized, but less stressed. Interestingly, both have the same levels of education, with the exception of the moms with MDs -- they all work.

Breaking your theory- many moms with MD stop working too.

DP. That may be true where you live. In my neighborhood, the moms with MDs have spouses who either SAH or do the majority of the child and household management.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

She’s a dependent, just like her kids. Not a good look for an educated adult who is perfectly capable of working but would rather play tennis.

Where do you think that a middle aged woman with decades long gap in her resume is going to find work? She's useless on the market.

Do you think people who work in caring professions are useless? The work is low paid and devalued precisely because it has traditionally been seen as women’s work. So you are part of the problem.

I don't but my opinion doesn't matter. The job market is not great now, and it's all about the skills that OP can bring to the table. OP will qualify for only low paid jobs that would not cover the cost of outsourcing whatever she's doing now. This is the harsh reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

She’s a dependent, just like her kids. Not a good look for an educated adult who is perfectly capable of working but would rather play tennis.

If the things she is doing are worth paying someone for, like cooking, cleaning, driving the kids, then she is not a dependent. She is doing unpaid work. Not to mention the amount you would have to pay for all of that would likely exceed what a moderate to moderately high earner would earn.

You are sick person if you would deprive someone who does unpaid work a couple of hours of relaxation time or resources for themself. OP is doing work in the evening hours while many people are chilling in front of the TV.

Lol she told us she would rather play tennis. I doubt she spends her day doing chores. Everything is outsourced. But yes she is working so hard!

I missed where OP said everything is outsourced.
Everything?
All of the shopping and cooking?
All of the cleaning and laundry?
All of the home maintenance, repairs, and gardening?
All of the driving?
All of the planning and admin tasks?
All of the providing presence and emotional support?

Did OP hire a household manager who oversees the maids, gardener, cook, handyman, tutor, counselor, and driver?

You are missing the point. Even full-time WOTH moms manage to get this stuff done, right? And some WOTH moms seem to get this stuff done as well as, if not even better than some SAHMs.
Just *acknowledge* the reality because no smart kid is actually going to buy the excuse that SAHMs of teenagers are somehow doing a lot of meaningful work. And if you have a graduate degree, it's kind of shameful to not be working if you have teenagers without unusual circumstances. Teenagers are going to make these comments because they're at a point in their lives where there is a lot of pressure about colleges and careers, and if you have a remotely thinking teenagers, they're going to draw the perfectly logical conclusion that their SAH mom has a college (and perhaps even graduate) degree but doesn't need one for the kind of responsibilities that she has. And it's true. All the arguments about this is the choice that mom and dad made, mom does a lot of stuff for the household, mom already had a job before she had kids, etc., etc., are reasons for SAH, but give the fact that there are WOTH moms who manage to balance careers and family -- and seem to be doing perfectly fine with perfectly fine kids and families -- should raise the question in any teenager's mind, especially for girls, as to why they should bother aiming for a top college or thinking about careers if in the end their parents' actions show that they're not really necessary, or even desireable.

I know several SAHMs of teens in my neighborhood. They are nice, friendly, social and have interests, but objectively, they are not particularly "productive" members of society aside from some things they get done for the household that a lot of WOTH parents manage *also* to get done. I also know several WOTHs with careers that contribute to society in meaningful ways, and these WOTH moms manage to chauffeur their kids, make healthy meals, take care of household stuff, walk the dog, etc., etc. In my neighborhood, both types outsource housekeeping and some shopping (i.e., grocery delivery). I suspect the WOTH moms are more type-A and super organized. And the SAHMs are more disorganized, but less stressed. Interestingly, both have the same levels of education, with the exception of the moms with MDs -- they all work.

Ewww just stop. As a working mom I don’t want any association with this type of misogynistic crap. A person’s value is not determined by their employment status and if you think it is then you are probably one of those boring people who assumes your job is sooooo interesting and important. OP isn’t deserving of disrespect from her kids because she doesn’t sit in Teams meetings or circle back on things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

She’s a dependent, just like her kids. Not a good look for an educated adult who is perfectly capable of working but would rather play tennis.

If the things she is doing are worth paying someone for, like cooking, cleaning, driving the kids, then she is not a dependent. She is doing unpaid work. Not to mention the amount you would have to pay for all of that would likely exceed what a moderate to moderately high earner would earn.

You are sick person if you would deprive someone who does unpaid work a couple of hours of relaxation time or resources for themself. OP is doing work in the evening hours while many people are chilling in front of the TV.

Lol she told us she would rather play tennis. I doubt she spends her day doing chores. Everything is outsourced. But yes she is working so hard!

I missed where OP said everything is outsourced.
Everything?
All of the shopping and cooking?
All of the cleaning and laundry?
All of the home maintenance, repairs, and gardening?
All of the driving?
All of the planning and admin tasks?
All of the providing presence and emotional support?

Did OP hire a household manager who oversees the maids, gardener, cook, handyman, tutor, counselor, and driver?

You are missing the point. Even full-time WOTH moms manage to get this stuff done, right? And some WOTH moms seem to get this stuff done as well as, if not even better than some SAHMs.
Just *acknowledge* the reality because no smart kid is actually going to buy the excuse that SAHMs of teenagers are somehow doing a lot of meaningful work. And if you have a graduate degree, it's kind of shameful to not be working if you have teenagers without unusual circumstances. Teenagers are going to make these comments because they're at a point in their lives where there is a lot of pressure about colleges and careers, and if you have a remotely thinking teenagers, they're going to draw the perfectly logical conclusion that their SAH mom has a college (and perhaps even graduate) degree but doesn't need one for the kind of responsibilities that she has. And it's true. All the arguments about this is the choice that mom and dad made, mom does a lot of stuff for the household, mom already had a job before she had kids, etc., etc., are reasons for SAH, but give the fact that there are WOTH moms who manage to balance careers and family -- and seem to be doing perfectly fine with perfectly fine kids and families -- should raise the question in any teenager's mind, especially for girls, as to why they should bother aiming for a top college or thinking about careers if in the end their parents' actions show that they're not really necessary, or even desireable.

I know several SAHMs of teens in my neighborhood. They are nice, friendly, social and have interests, but objectively, they are not particularly "productive" members of society aside from some things they get done for the household that a lot of WOTH parents manage *also* to get done. I also know several WOTHs with careers that contribute to society in meaningful ways, and these WOTH moms manage to chauffeur their kids, make healthy meals, take care of household stuff, walk the dog, etc., etc. In my neighborhood, both types outsource housekeeping and some shopping (i.e., grocery delivery). I suspect the WOTH moms are more type-A and super organized. And the SAHMs are more disorganized, but less stressed. Interestingly, both have the same levels of education, with the exception of the moms with MDs -- they all work.

Breaking your theory- many moms with MD stop working too.

DP. That may be true where you live. In my neighborhood, the moms with MDs have spouses who either SAH or do the majority of the child and household management.

So the MD moms who continue to work are productive members of society, but I’m sure you’d say their spouses (likely dads) are no longer useful right?

Because otherwise you’re insulting moms who leave the workforce but then praising moms who stay in the workforce with a spouse who leaves the workforce.

Also just why the heck does anyone even care about this.

[Anonymous]

Lots of kids wish they had a stay at home parent. Kids are disrespectful. Nothing new. Discipline with love

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of kids wish they had a stay at home parent. Kids are disrespectful. Nothing new. Discipline with love

I agree. I had a SAHM and I’m so grateful for her. It was great to have her at home when I got home from school, take me and my friends places, and be able to volunteer at school/chaperone field trips, etc. Yes, there were times as a teenager when I’m sure I was a snarky brat, but now I appreciate what I had.

It’s great that women are able to work if they want, but it’s sad that women feel like they have to work to afford a basic, middle class life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because I can! And I like to play tennis and do pilates after drop-off b/c I am #1 chauffeur from 3-9 pm with sports, activities, etc.

I like doing stuff like this too. I feel bad for my kids that they have no free time. Their homework load IS kind of awful

So why don’t you encourage your kids to scale back and take fewer AP classes? I personally believe that powering through and hard work is something you have to practice every day. I want to pass those values to my kids. So when they complain about HW, I talk about how pushing through is important and that training yourself how to put in the effort will help you in the long run. At some point, things click and you are just a different and more capable version of yourself. I believe that completely. Those of you that don’t think that model is healthy and have chosen a different path for your families. Why don’t you encourage your kids to step back too?

Ha! Part of choosing this path is not being the kind of tiger mom who micromanages everything my kids do. They are in high school. I’m not going to tell them that they aren’t allowed to take the classes they want to take or try to be an Eagle Scout.

They know that I think that what they are doing is crazy.