Harsh comment on being a Sahm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH needs to set the tone by valuing what you do implicitly and explicitly every day.

It might also be a good time to have some chats about misogyny and the devaluation of traditionally female work.

[Anonymous]

Let them find out. Stop cooking for them, stop the laundry, cleaning, shopping, driving, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

How is that better to outsource and it can cost more than SAH.

[Anonymous]

DC1 never made such comments, because he got to know our family history before adolescence hit. As soon as DC2 started making comments - which are entirely natural, BTW! - I explain how I worked 10 hr days before staying home, and that I never got to see DC1 awake, who was in daycare at a very young age. He then developed failure to thrive, had multiple medical issues, and I had to quit my job. DC2 had the luxury of a stay-at-home parent all her life.

Since then, no more comments. And now I'm preparing to transition to a new career, they're actually hugely supportive - while still making some snarky comments every now and then, because they're TEENS!

Explain, don't defend, OP.

[Anonymous]

The replies of ...show them by stopping doing the things for them that will show them!!...all that does is teach them this is an unsafe topic that will be met with hostility. They won't bring it up again but their opinion probably won't change. Their friends all have the same things done for them mostly with parents who both work. It doesn't answer their question what do you do all day while they're at school and why don't you have a job. Tell them what you do all day (I do a lot of things for our family that some families outsource could be an answer...I volunteer could be an answer...and guess what an answer could be I go to the gym every day which I really value...it's fine!) Explain why for your family this makes sense and why you don't have a job. I'm sure there are real and good reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

How is that better to outsource and it can cost more than SAH.

So she isn’t screwed in the event of a divorce. My mom couldn’t leave my alcoholic father without her parent’s financial help because she was a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

She’s a dependent, just like her kids. Not a good look for an educated adult who is perfectly capable of working but would rather play tennis.

[Anonymous]

I agree with have a conversation and explain and don't defend. I work part time and recently got a similar comment about working so few hours but it's not offensive to me because I'm 100% sure this is what's best for me and my family, my and my spouse's strengths and weaknesses, and my values.

We talked about how it reflects my values of time versus more money, and flexibility, certain things I'm able to do, what things couldn't happen if I wasn't available to do XYZ that affect them, and more.

They actually said they don't understand my values and if it was their life they would prefer having more money, but I don't take that as an insult because they're a completely different person from me, and they don't have adult responsibilities. This is far from the only choice my kid would (or might when grown) make different from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with have a conversation and explain and don't defend. I work part time and recently got a similar comment about working so few hours but it's not offensive to me because I'm 100% sure this is what's best for me and my family, my and my spouse's strengths and weaknesses, and my values.

We talked about how it reflects my values of time versus more money, and flexibility, certain things I'm able to do, what things couldn't happen if I wasn't available to do XYZ that affect them, and more.

They actually said they don't understand my values and if it was their life they would prefer having more money, but I don't take that as an insult because they're a completely different person from me, and they don't have adult responsibilities. This is far from the only choice my kid would (or might when grown) make different from me.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because I can! And I like to play tennis and do pilates after drop-off b/c I am #1 chauffeur from 3-9 pm with sports, activities, etc.

This makes you sound entitled. Plenty of families with two working parents (or single parent households) work all day and then drive their kids around all night.

[Anonymous]

And your kid lived after making that comment? Shame on you.

I would make them do all the chores at home with a whip in hand, take away all privileges, no cell phone, no access to internet and dismantle the door from their room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The replies of ...show them by stopping doing the things for them that will show them!!...all that does is teach them this is an unsafe topic that will be met with hostility. They won't bring it up again but their opinion probably won't change. Their friends all have the same things done for them mostly with parents who both work. It doesn't answer their question what do you do all day while they're at school and why don't you have a job. Tell them what you do all day (I do a lot of things for our family that some families outsource could be an answer...I volunteer could be an answer...and guess what an answer could be I go to the gym every day which I really value...it's fine!) Explain why for your family this makes sense and why you don't have a job. I'm sure there are real and good reasons.

I'm the PP whose mom stopped doing stuff for a week so my brother and I saw what she did. It wasn't done with a hostile intent nor did it make us feel like we couldn't bring things up. But after telling us what she did, she wanted to show us too. It's not like we were neglected for a week. But it was eye opening all the little things she did that we never really noticed. I definitely think it could be done maliciously, but my mom managed not to do it that way. Or maybe it's because I'm a hands on type person so the physical proof of things makes a point more than talking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not usually a very strict parent, but if my 13 year old said that to me I would make them submit to a week where I: do not drive them anywhere, including their favorite sports and classes, make them take the school bus, make them make their own meals, stop cleaning the house or doing the dishes, and stop doing laundry. If they have no idea what adulting looks like, we need to show them.

The thing is that all this gets done if both parents work. It’s not like their friends who have working parents don’t play sports, wear clean clothes or have dinner. Talk to your child about the pros and cons of staying home and why it works for you and DH and it may or may not work for then if they have families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with have a conversation and explain and don't defend. I work part time and recently got a similar comment about working so few hours but it's not offensive to me because I'm 100% sure this is what's best for me and my family, my and my spouse's strengths and weaknesses, and my values.

We talked about how it reflects my values of time versus more money, and flexibility, certain things I'm able to do, what things couldn't happen if I wasn't available to do XYZ that affect them, and more.

They actually said they don't understand my values and if it was their life they would prefer having more money, but I don't take that as an insult because they're a completely different person from me, and they don't have adult responsibilities. This is far from the only choice my kid would (or might when grown) make different from me.

That's because they are very young. What would a teen know about being a parent and making sacrifices, including making less money? Zero.

And I've done it all -- wohm, wfh, work pt, sahm.

16 yr old DD knows how lucky she is that we, her parents, are pretty much at her beck and call in terms of rides because we were wfh for many years now.

I told my kids what my days were like when they were younger, and I was sahm... cooking, cleaning, running errands, groceries, laundry, taking care of the yard. Being a parent doesn't stop after dinner, either. I make sure they know what it takes to keep things going in the house.

We just got rid of our cleaners because my spouse was forced into early retirement. And now DD has to clean her own bathroom, which she doesn't do that great of a job at.

IMO, your kids need to clean their own bathrooms, and see what that's like.