I feel like I failed my kids

[Anonymous]

Our budget.

[Anonymous]

Yes, oops my typo. But, start with your budget OP to keep it real with the kids. They’ll get over not being able to attend a top 25.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:ROTC

Good point - I went to Cornell - lots of ROTC kids there.

OP - kid really doesn't want to do ROTC

No doubt, but you have to explain that’s the path to attending an expensive OOS school. Money math is money math.

Military service should not be the default to afford college. That is not a path for everyone.

It's not the default - ROTC scholarships and service academy appointments are difficult to get. I'm sure there are some kids who go that route for financial reasons, but it's the minority. If you're talking enlisting and using the GI Bill, I do agree with that, but most who enlist aren't academically qualified for pricey schools anyway. This just isn't the issue you think it is.

At the $$$$ schools, many of the kids who have a scholarship are doing it for financial reasons. That does not mean it is the only reason, but it might be the primary one.

[Anonymous]

Your kid has some nice in-state options like UVA, W&M, and VTech. With those stats, they can also get enough merit aid at most OOS flagships to make the cost comparable to in state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't have any money saved up for their college. We're an upper middle-class family with a 270k HHI, so they can't get much need-based financial aid. The money that was gonna go to their college fund was spent on private school that did get them ahead academically in the early years but has become useless now (they currently go to public). I just feel like I failed them, because none of their top choices are in-state (we're in VA) and they have, especially my oldest, spectacular grades, 99th percentile test scores and plenty of awards for both academic and art ECs. Many people think my oldest is going to be getting into the Ivies or at least a top 25. But we can't afford that. She's already been applying to various scholarships but have had no luck so far. Both DH and I paid our own way for college, but we were both in-state UMD. Our money now mostly goes towards their ECs. I feel like I'm going to hinder their success because I didn't save like I should have.

Have they actually gotten into any schools better than UVA?

If I a dollar for every kid whose parents thought were ivy league material but didn't actually have much of a shot at Ivy, I'd have at least $100,000/year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't have any money saved up for their college. We're an upper middle-class family with a 270k HHI, so they can't get much need-based financial aid. The money that was gonna go to their college fund was spent on private school that did get them ahead academically in the early years but has become useless now (they currently go to public). I just feel like I failed them, because none of their top choices are in-state (we're in VA) and they have, especially my oldest, spectacular grades, 99th percentile test scores and plenty of awards for both academic and art ECs. Many people think my oldest is going to be getting into the Ivies or at least a top 25. But we can't afford that. She's already been applying to various scholarships but have had no luck so far. Both DH and I paid our own way for college, but we were both in-state UMD. Our money now mostly goes towards their ECs. I feel like I'm going to hinder their success because I didn't save like I should have.

Have they actually gotten into any schools better than UVA?

If I a dollar for every kid whose parents thought were ivy league material but didn't actually have much of a shot at Ivy, I'd have at least $100,000/year

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't have any money saved up for their college. We're an upper middle-class family with a 270k HHI, so they can't get much need-based financial aid. The money that was gonna go to their college fund was spent on private school that did get them ahead academically in the early years but has become useless now (they currently go to public). I just feel like I failed them, because none of their top choices are in-state (we're in VA) and they have, especially my oldest, spectacular grades, 99th percentile test scores and plenty of awards for both academic and art ECs. Many people think my oldest is going to be getting into the Ivies or at least a top 25. But we can't afford that. She's already been applying to various scholarships but have had no luck so far. Both DH and I paid our own way for college, but we were both in-state UMD. Our money now mostly goes towards their ECs. I feel like I'm going to hinder their success because I didn't save like I should have.

Have they actually gotten into any schools better than UVA?

If I a dollar for every kid whose parents thought were ivy league material but didn't actually have much of a shot at Ivy, I'd have at least $100,000/year

+1

Uh, OP, are you not aware UVA is T24? and very difficult to get into? 75th percentile last year had a 4.5 GPA, a 35, or a 1520. My kid (valedictorian at private, 36 ACT, national awards) tried for Ivies as a legacy at two of with top stats and was waitlisted. Went to UVA, loved and at Oxford for grad work and applying to T7 law schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if your kid has such great creds, then she needs to apply to SEC schools and other such schools that are known for generous merit money. If your daughter is hung up on status and prestige to the detriment of her future financial self then she’s really not that night and will learn the hard way.

My kid also had great HS stats, but we are a 2 LEO household and simply don’t have the money to bankroll him. He’s now at Tennessee studying nuclear engineering on a full merit scholarship. USC, Auburn, Alabama, and Tennessee threw a ton of money at him. He also got in UVA, but no merit. He picked UTK for the major and the fact that he would graduate without a single penny of debt.

He already has an incredible internship arranged for this summer that pays the equivalent of $40/hr.

That’s amazing! Congrats to your kid!

[Anonymous]

What have your conversations been like with your kids to set expectations?

We have always said we will make it work if they get themselves into a top 10-15 school. Otherwise, we will pay in state. That’s the deal. They can apply to other schools and maybe get scholarships but no reason to overpay when you can’t afford it.

(Also, are your expenses high or have you truly just not been saving?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't have any money saved up for their college. We're an upper middle-class family with a 270k HHI, so they can't get much need-based financial aid. The money that was gonna go to their college fund was spent on private school that did get them ahead academically in the early years but has become useless now (they currently go to public). I just feel like I failed them, because none of their top choices are in-state (we're in VA) and they have, especially my oldest, spectacular grades, 99th percentile test scores and plenty of awards for both academic and art ECs. Many people think my oldest is going to be getting into the Ivies or at least a top 25. But we can't afford that. She's already been applying to various scholarships but have had no luck so far. Both DH and I paid our own way for college, but we were both in-state UMD. Our money now mostly goes towards their ECs. I feel like I'm going to hinder their success because I didn't save like I should have.

Have they actually gotten into any schools better than UVA?

If I a dollar for every kid whose parents thought were ivy league material but didn't actually have much of a shot at Ivy, I'd have at least $100,000/year

+1

Uh, OP, are you not aware UVA is T24? and very difficult to get into? 75th percentile last year had a 4.5 GPA, a 35, or a 1520. My kid (valedictorian at private, 36 ACT, national awards) tried for Ivies as a legacy at two of with top stats and was waitlisted. Went to UVA, loved and at Oxford for grad work and applying to T7 law schools.

Wut? No one has asserted otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You haven’t failed them! You went to UMD and are just fine! Maybe you can’t afford a t25 school, but that doesn’t mean they won’t go to a school! Figure out what you can afford and most importantly be honest with your child!!!

This, although I don't get how you can make that much and not understand what college costs for the last 15+ years. It really shouldnt' be a surprise that you have to save for college. For the life of me, I dont' get how a parent could fund private schools from K onward (since you stopped it in HS, Im assuming K-8) and not realize they should not be doing that if they are not also saving for college.

However, now it is what it is. You have the kids apply in-state, and private schools that are 1-2 tiers below reach level (so they will get good merit). then select from the ones you can afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:The time to discuss financial realities with kids is beginning of 10th grade.

If Pepperdine is not an option, they should know that right at the beginning. If Alabama is offering full rides for bright students, they should know that. If Princeton meets all financial need, they should know that. If State U is manageable, they should know that. If Colby is a dream school but not remotely possible, they should know that. If they have siblings, and everything needs to be fair and equitable, they should know that. And if it's merit or community college, they should know that.

Kids are remarkably adaptable and focused when they know the parameters. And they know what they need to do to go to where they want to go. Tell them what's what with what you can afford in 10th grade. And then explain merit. And list the 30 or so schools that meet all need - provided they can get in. Assure them it's all going to work out, but ultimately, the options will be up to them depending on how they perform in high school. And the better they do, the more options they'll have.

When kids feel like they are in charge of their destiny, they do better. But they need to understand the parameters. There aren't a lot of families that can drop $800,000 on two kids going to middling private colleges. But everyone can go to MIT if they can get in.

Kids - families - need to understand the game, the costs, the barriers, and how to play the game.

Um, no.

Isn't this literally the case? What is stopping someone with an acceptance letter from enrolling?

The fact you must pay the tuition and R&B bill?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't have any money saved up for their college. We're an upper middle-class family with a 270k HHI, so they can't get much need-based financial aid. The money that was gonna go to their college fund was spent on private school that did get them ahead academically in the early years but has become useless now (they currently go to public). I just feel like I failed them, because none of their top choices are in-state (we're in VA) and they have, especially my oldest, spectacular grades, 99th percentile test scores and plenty of awards for both academic and art ECs. Many people think my oldest is going to be getting into the Ivies or at least a top 25. But we can't afford that. She's already been applying to various scholarships but have had no luck so far. Both DH and I paid our own way for college, but we were both in-state UMD. Our money now mostly goes towards their ECs. I feel like I'm going to hinder their success because I didn't save like I should have.

Have they actually gotten into any schools better than UVA?

If I a dollar for every kid whose parents thought were ivy league material but didn't actually have much of a shot at Ivy, I'd have at least $100,000/year

+1

Uh, OP, are you not aware UVA is T24? and very difficult to get into? 75th percentile last year had a 4.5 GPA, a 35, or a 1520. My kid (valedictorian at private, 36 ACT, national awards) tried for Ivies as a legacy at two of with top stats and was waitlisted. Went to UVA, loved and at Oxford for grad work and applying to T7 law schools.

Wut? No one has asserted otherwise.

Yes, OP did. Read bolded statement from her above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't have any money saved up for their college. We're an upper middle-class family with a 270k HHI, so they can't get much need-based financial aid. The money that was gonna go to their college fund was spent on private school that did get them ahead academically in the early years but has become useless now (they currently go to public). I just feel like I failed them, because none of their top choices are in-state (we're in VA) and they have, especially my oldest, spectacular grades, 99th percentile test scores and plenty of awards for both academic and art ECs. Many people think my oldest is going to be getting into the Ivies or at least a top 25. But we can't afford that. She's already been applying to various scholarships but have had no luck so far. Both DH and I paid our own way for college, but we were both in-state UMD. Our money now mostly goes towards their ECs. I feel like I'm going to hinder their success because I didn't save like I should have.

Is your husband in shape? King crab season in Alaska is coming up and guys can pull down $60-$80k in 5 weeks if they work hard. Just make sure you go with a very experience captain who knows where the big catch is most likely to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't have any money saved up for their college. We're an upper middle-class family with a 270k HHI, so they can't get much need-based financial aid. The money that was gonna go to their college fund was spent on private school that did get them ahead academically in the early years but has become useless now (they currently go to public). I just feel like I failed them, because none of their top choices are in-state (we're in VA) and they have, especially my oldest, spectacular grades, 99th percentile test scores and plenty of awards for both academic and art ECs. Many people think my oldest is going to be getting into the Ivies or at least a top 25. But we can't afford that. She's already been applying to various scholarships but have had no luck so far. Both DH and I paid our own way for college, but we were both in-state UMD. Our money now mostly goes towards their ECs. I feel like I'm going to hinder their success because I didn't save like I should have.

Is your husband in shape? King crab season in Alaska is coming up and guys can pull down $60-$80k in 5 weeks if they work hard. Just make sure you go with a very experience captain who knows where the big catch is most likely to be.

can the kid not do that? Isn't the dh employed already (maybe I missed that he isn't?)?