girlfriend on family vacation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion: This is OP's first time in this situation. It will set a precedence for her other kids as well. "How come you paid for Dave's gf and not mine?" Soon OP will be footing the bill for multiple GFs/BFs and there's no way she can say "I'll pay for yours but not yours..."

I think they should have a convo with DS and say they're planning to buy his ticket. If you want GF to come, here are the flight numbers to book her own. No one is entitled to their BF's parents' generosity.

You don't have to say that you'll only pay for your child, not for the partner, just let them know that it costs X$ for two people and our budget can cover 50%.

Which is a slap in the face and easy to figure out means "we will pay for our kid but not their SO". Not how I'd want to start a relationship with a potential spouse---living together typically means it's a serious relationship and could end up permanent.

I agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

Except that's not remotely the same thing at all because once your son is grown and married his immediate/primary family becomes his wife and any kids they may have. Your son is no longer part of your immediate family. So the MIL is not part of the son/DIL/their children's immediate family so that makes sense.

Once married by inviting your son on a trip and not the rest of his immediate family which would be his wife and any kids they may have you are stepping into someone else's immediate family and breaking it up by not inviting them all.

Also not surprised at all that you view it as the DIL pushing you out of your son's life as if your son is a grown man with a say of his own on who he wants to invite. Your son is an adult and can speak up. If his wife makes decisions for him and he doesn't speak up there on him. As an adult man he is responsible for his own actions.

So no you don't get to insert yourself into all of your married son's immediate family only events because you're not a member of that immediate family just like once your son gets married he is now immediate family with his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So parents who don't earn significant money should anticipate never seeing their grown child or grandchildren because they can't foot the bill for EVERYTHING regardless of the venue. Nice. At some point the parent child relationship becomes reciprocal and stops just being one way, parent to child.

Nope. And no one has said anything close to that. One issue is that the OP — who can afford to plan and pay for an expensive trip — would be expecting the GF — who probably can’t afford an expensive trip — to spend vacation time and money to go on a trip that she had no voice in planning if she wants to vacation with her BF. That’s not RECIPROCAL.

Again not expecting GF to attend just like she should expect me to pay for her. GTFOH to think the GF gets to have a say in the plan for the ILs trip. GF can adult up and plan her own vacation with BF without the ILs.

Obviously the GF doesn't get to dictate the vacation. However, the GF and their son are now a couple. that means they plan their time off and how to use their vacation funds TOGETHER! So if you want your kid(s) to join you on vacations now and in the future, if they have a SO you should include them and give them some input (what activities or things do they want to do while at that location). Otherwise the parents should go on the trip themselves without their son and his GF. Imagine this: if my ILs expect my husband and me to join them on vacation and they get to dictate everything we do, then Hell NO we are not joining. Similarly, if they invite my husband to go with them on a vacation and I'm not invited, then NO my husband isn't going and it would be a long time before we spend much time with the ILs and they certainly wouldn't be spending much time with any grandkids.

So yes, the GF can adult up and plan her own vacation with the BF without the ILs. Of course that means the BF no longer has the vacation days to take for a trip with his parents. So he won't be joining you on this trip. And in the future, they are not likely to want to spend time with you either

[Anonymous]

Interesting that here we are in 2023 and it's still a question of if a couple that lives together should be invited together. Duh of course they should.

Let me tell you married or not if I was serious enough with a man to live with him but he wasn't serious enough about me to not allow his family to exclude me from a family vacation and went despite the fact that they excluded me and he didn't defend me (not talking about where I'm welcome but I can't go bc I'm busy) we would be having a CTJ talk so fast about why he is still putting his family above me and why he isn't considering me a part of that. His family may not consider me as family but if I'm living with the dude he certainly should consider me family and as important as them.

That all being said I would never expect my BF's family/in laws to pay for me at all

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

I also think it's hilarious that she has this whole dream in her head of inviting only her son and not her DIL as if her son is going to be nore loyal to his mom than his own wife by going on said trip by saying, "yes mommy I will leave my wife at home and tell her she isn't welcome while you and I hold hands and vacation off in the Bahamas and watch the sunset together."

Any woman with any self respect would not stand for this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

Wait, so if I am a 40yo female who routinely goes out to dinner with just my dad about every other month, is that wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

Wait, so if I am a 40yo female who routinely goes out to dinner with just my dad about every other month, is that wrong?

Yeah I find it extremely hypocritical when women can have mother/daughter days with their mothers after marriage but if God forbid a mother asks to have dinner or lunch alone with her married son it's all OMG why is she shutting out her son's wife clearly she can't let go.

If mother and daughters can still have their individual relationships in tact after marriage why can't mothers and sons maintain their individual relationships??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So parents who don't earn significant money should anticipate never seeing their grown child or grandchildren because they can't foot the bill for EVERYTHING regardless of the venue. Nice. At some point the parent child relationship becomes reciprocal and stops just being one way, parent to child.

Nope. And no one has said anything close to that. One issue is that the OP — who can afford to plan and pay for an expensive trip — would be expecting the GF — who probably can’t afford an expensive trip — to spend vacation time and money to go on a trip that she had no voice in planning if she wants to vacation with her BF. That’s not RECIPROCAL.

Again not expecting GF to attend just like she should expect me to pay for her. GTFOH to think the GF gets to have a say in the plan for the ILs trip. GF can adult up and plan her own vacation with BF without the ILs.

Soo because they aren't married she gets no say she should just suck it up and go wherever. She is somehow "less than?" Let's see how your son feels about that attitude. I bet at this stage in his life you guys are probably "less than" to him then the woman he is probably thinking about marrying.

I was dating my now husband and already living with him for 4 years when my now in laws tried to pull this shit of inviting just my bf on a family trip and told my now husband I wasn't welcome because I wasn't family. I already knew he was the man for me but when he stood up for us and said well she is my family and you either invite her or I don't go and they didn't invite me so he didn't go that really sealed the deal for me. They cut their nose of to spite their face. In their mind it was more important to leave me out of their vacation than to have their son there.

That spoke volumes of how they felt about me and quite frankly how they viewed their own son. It's been 10 years now and I still think about it and get bitter about it. My relationship with them took a major hit after that. They probably don't even realize that's why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

Wait, so if I am a 40yo female who routinely goes out to dinner with just my dad about every other month, is that wrong?

Yeah I find it extremely hypocritical when women can have mother/daughter days with their mothers after marriage but if God forbid a mother asks to have dinner or lunch alone with her married son it's all OMG why is she shutting out her son's wife clearly she can't let go.

If mother and daughters can still have their individual relationships in tact after marriage why can't mothers and sons maintain their individual relationships??

+1

Funny considering people often complain that adult sons are bad at keeping in touch with their parents. Mothers with only sons really can't win here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

Wait, so if I am a 40yo female who routinely goes out to dinner with just my dad about every other month, is that wrong?

Yeah I find it extremely hypocritical when women can have mother/daughter days with their mothers after marriage but if God forbid a mother asks to have dinner or lunch alone with her married son it's all OMG why is she shutting out her son's wife clearly she can't let go.

If mother and daughters can still have their individual relationships in tact after marriage why can't mothers and sons maintain their individual relationships??

+1

Funny considering people often complain that adult sons are bad at keeping in touch with their parents. Mothers with only sons really can't win here.

I agree and I'm a DIL. I bow out of dinners sometimes with my MIL not because I don't like her but I get sometimes it's just a precious thing to have your child all to yourself. Whether that's mother/daughter or mother/son or father/son or father/daughter.

Now if my MIL was constantly making this a routine thing or me not being invited then it would be problematic but once in a while I don't see the issue.

It's not like it's some random female friend asking for alone time with my husband. Then that would be a major issue like why do you need to be alone with my husband? But it's his own mother the woman who raised him for God's sake if any woman isn't your competition it's his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

Calling you on your BS. Get your own fking life and stop demanding to be at every event your MIL is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

With that attitude, no doubt your son and his future partner will not want you in their life. Loving parents want to see their kids with their spouses/partners/Significant others, especially on vacation. Only reason a parent should expect to see just their kid (once a partner is involved) is if it's a guys event or a girls only event (ie: dad and son are going to a sporting event just the 2 of them). But if it's both parents, then you invite the couple, not just your kid.

Keep that attitude up and you won't be seeing much of your grandkids either in the future.

Wait, so if I am a 40yo female who routinely goes out to dinner with just my dad about every other month, is that wrong?

Yeah I find it extremely hypocritical when women can have mother/daughter days with their mothers after marriage but if God forbid a mother asks to have dinner or lunch alone with her married son it's all OMG why is she shutting out her son's wife clearly she can't let go.

If mother and daughters can still have their individual relationships in tact after marriage why can't mothers and sons maintain their individual relationships??

+1

Funny considering people often complain that adult sons are bad at keeping in touch with their parents. Mothers with only sons really can't win here.

Thank you. FINALLY some commons sense on this board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So parents who don't earn significant money should anticipate never seeing their grown child or grandchildren because they can't foot the bill for EVERYTHING regardless of the venue. Nice. At some point the parent child relationship becomes reciprocal and stops just being one way, parent to child.

Nope. And no one has said anything close to that. One issue is that the OP — who can afford to plan and pay for an expensive trip — would be expecting the GF — who probably can’t afford an expensive trip — to spend vacation time and money to go on a trip that she had no voice in planning if she wants to vacation with her BF. That’s not RECIPROCAL.

Again not expecting GF to attend just like she should expect me to pay for her. GTFOH to think the GF gets to have a say in the plan for the ILs trip. GF can adult up and plan her own vacation with BF without the ILs.

Soo because they aren't married she gets no say she should just suck it up and go wherever. She is somehow "less than?" Let's see how your son feels about that attitude. I bet at this stage in his life you guys are probably "less than" to him then the woman he is probably thinking about marrying.

I was dating my now husband and already living with him for 4 years when my now in laws tried to pull this shit of inviting just my bf on a family trip and told my now husband I wasn't welcome because I wasn't family. I already knew he was the man for me but when he stood up for us and said well she is my family and you either invite her or I don't go and they didn't invite me so he didn't go that really sealed the deal for me. They cut their nose of to spite their face. In their mind it was more important to leave me out of their vacation than to have their son there.

That spoke volumes of how they felt about me and quite frankly how they viewed their own son. It's been 10 years now and I still think about it and get bitter about it. My relationship with them took a major hit after that. They probably don't even realize that's why.

Wait wait wait. You think it’s ok for the girlfriend to have a say in her BF’s parents vacation that they are entirely paying for. Your are bay sh^t crazy.

[Anonymous]

Even though I think OP should invite DS's GF. I see no harm in OP and his son or GF and her mom going out for lunch or dinner by themselves. Same goes for dads. If a person can go out with friends, colleagues or acquaintances, why not with a parent?

Just because a person got married, doesn't mean they can't spend any 101 time with their parents.