Anyone else lose their groove during Covid with young kids and still not have it back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm pissed this thread became a pile-on of a bunch of people telling anyone talking about their struggles that actually they don't have struggles and should stop talking about it. I think a lot of you have MAJOR issues that this is how you choose to spend your time.

Anyway, I'm going to go through and report a bunch of these comments as off-tope and ask Jeff to clean up the thread because I actually do think it could be a source of support and commiseration for people who need it. If that's not you, you can go away. Thanks!

Hi OP- I think what might be contributing the most to your malaise is grief over not having a second kid. It wasn't really a choice, it was taken from you.

I, too, missed our window during 2021-2022. I know we are out there. There needs to be a support group for us. I've really thought about starting one.

Parenting your one while mourning, MOURNING your second/the possibility/the hope, is HARD. It's exhausting. The Crippling grief. The self-flagellation and feelings of failure-"why is it so hard, I only have one." The guilt over no sibling. The anger- lots of anger.

And because it's so intertwined with COVID it's hard to tease apart. For a long time I thought my malaise was mostly due to COVID, but since winter of 2022, it's been grief. COVID was the crappy foundation from which everything else flows.

It's taken me nearly two years and a lot of therapy to not cry everyday. And it's still hard.

It sounds like you are doing better than I was, but I hope this is somewhat helpful and you consider finding a therapist/grief counselor. Hugs.

You are not alone but I know it can feel that way.

OP & PP - can I ask why you didn't / couldn't have a baby due to Covid, or during that initial pandemic year? Was is stress, anxiety about getting sick, funk / too much on your plate, REs that closed for a period, were you working in-person as HCWs etc.?

Some of it's practical. Like I couldn't even schedule an appointment with my OB to have my IUD removed for almost 6 months because of initial shut downs and then my doctor had a backlog. But then during those 6 months, our childcare collapsed. Our daycare shut down temporarily and then altogether. We limped by with some part time care from one of the teachers at our old daycare (would have loved to just hire her full-time but couldn't afford it).

We thought DD would start PK at the public school in the fall but then the school didn't open. By the time this was announced, there were no spots available at private preschools. They kept making it sound like schools would open soon but then they didn't. We finally got a spot in a PT preschool in January, but this meant we had care from 9am to 1pm. I tried to find a sitter for at least some afternoons but couldn't; I wound up scaling back my hours to make it work.

We were able to get her into full time camp in the summer and she started PK fall of 2021. Huge relief, but not without its bumps. She hated the part time PK and camp. I think it was all that time with us at home combined with a TON of rules related to social distancing, masking, and outdoor time due to Covid.

Things got better once she was in full-time PK. Our feeling was, if we're going to have a baby, we should do it right now. We were so tired. I still didn't know what normal looked like for our family. I actually kept a reduced schedule at work because we couldn't get an aftercare spot, and also, I was just burned out. I started to think about what a pregnancy meant for my already exhausted 40+ body. We held off.

And then I had another birthday, and decided the window was closed for me. I do still mourn it (typing this made me cry) but I know it's the right choice at this point. But yes, what if I'd gotten my IUD out in February? What if schools had opened in fall of 2020? What if we could afford a FT nanny or a SAHP? What if we'd moved somewhere with more available childcare? And so on. I still have all my DD's baby things packed in boxes in my closet and I can't hear the idea of getting rid of them yet.

I feel like I just lost a year and a half, and when it was over, I felt like I'd aged 5 years. What seemed possible before so didnt seem possible anymore.[/quote]

Another PP with a pandemic only. This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of older kids, I'm confused why everyone things the pandemic told them something new. Yes the pandemic sucked but we weren't supported before the pandemic either.

Yes, thank you, I was coming to post this. All of these things were issues before the pandemic and they are issues after.

I'm not sure why everyone blames the pandemic for everything that's wrong with life.

Is "everyone" blaming the pandemic for "everything" that is wrong with life? Is that something people are doing in this thread? Examples please.

Btw, this is OP and I'm not really even blaming the pandemic for anything. It's more like, during the height of Covid, I fell into a bit of a funk, and I am currently frustrated because although tine has passed and the pandemic is over, I'm still in the funk.

It's frustrating. I could also have written "Anyone else lose their groove when their kid was a toddler and still not have it back by the time they started elementary?" Sounds like people would relate to that as well. But I also think there was something particularly paralyzing about Covid that is still impacting me, so I framed it that way.

The incessant criticism on this thread is honestly weird. We get it, you are over Covid. Maybe this thread isn't for you then.

You’re not getting what people are saying. Your complaints, many valid, are about being a parent of young kids. Period. What you are “not over” is being a parent of young kids. You are blaming your problem on COVID when they’re really just about the difficulty of being a parent of young kids. Talk about that, not COVID.

Being a mom in America sucks in many ways, regardless of COVID

I have 3 kids with a big gap and can tell you parenting young kids during COVID was an entirely new form of stress and lack of support. Like we were all juggling a lot of balls before but then with COVID we were juggling during a hurricane. So stop telling other moms it’s always been this way when it hasn’t.

In the long term COVID has made some things easier (more workplace flexibility/remote options for instance), and there’s been expanded parental leave in recent years. But no, raising young kids circa the early 2010s vs. early 2020s was a different experience.

Still, I would never have allowed it to dictate how many children I had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of older kids, I'm confused why everyone things the pandemic told them something new. Yes the pandemic sucked but we weren't supported before the pandemic either.

Yes, thank you, I was coming to post this. All of these things were issues before the pandemic and they are issues after.

I'm not sure why everyone blames the pandemic for everything that's wrong with life.

Is "everyone" blaming the pandemic for "everything" that is wrong with life? Is that something people are doing in this thread? Examples please.

Btw, this is OP and I'm not really even blaming the pandemic for anything. It's more like, during the height of Covid, I fell into a bit of a funk, and I am currently frustrated because although tine has passed and the pandemic is over, I'm still in the funk.

It's frustrating. I could also have written "Anyone else lose their groove when their kid was a toddler and still not have it back by the time they started elementary?" Sounds like people would relate to that as well. But I also think there was something particularly paralyzing about Covid that is still impacting me, so I framed it that way.

The incessant criticism on this thread is honestly weird. We get it, you are over Covid. Maybe this thread isn't for you then.

You’re not getting what people are saying. Your complaints, many valid, are about being a parent of young kids. Period. What you are “not over” is being a parent of young kids. You are blaming your problem on COVID when they’re really just about the difficulty of being a parent of young kids. Talk about that, not COVID.

Being a mom in America sucks in many ways, regardless of COVID

I have 3 kids with a big gap and can tell you parenting young kids during COVID was an entirely new form of stress and lack of support. Like we were all juggling a lot of balls before but then with COVID we were juggling during a hurricane. So stop telling other moms it’s always been this way when it hasn’t.

In the long term COVID has made some things easier (more workplace flexibility/remote options for instance), and there’s been expanded parental leave in recent years. But no, raising young kids circa the early 2010s vs. early 2020s was a different experience.

Still, I would never have allowed it to dictate how many children I had.

PP with a pandemic only. Why would you post this? Do you have any idea how hurtful it is or do you just not care?

If you feel this way, you are just lucky your COVID experience was different and not so crippling. Can't you just be silently grateful instead of piling on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of older kids, I'm confused why everyone things the pandemic told them something new. Yes the pandemic sucked but we weren't supported before the pandemic either.

Yes, thank you, I was coming to post this. All of these things were issues before the pandemic and they are issues after.

I'm not sure why everyone blames the pandemic for everything that's wrong with life.

Is "everyone" blaming the pandemic for "everything" that is wrong with life? Is that something people are doing in this thread? Examples please.

Btw, this is OP and I'm not really even blaming the pandemic for anything. It's more like, during the height of Covid, I fell into a bit of a funk, and I am currently frustrated because although tine has passed and the pandemic is over, I'm still in the funk.

It's frustrating. I could also have written "Anyone else lose their groove when their kid was a toddler and still not have it back by the time they started elementary?" Sounds like people would relate to that as well. But I also think there was something particularly paralyzing about Covid that is still impacting me, so I framed it that way.

The incessant criticism on this thread is honestly weird. We get it, you are over Covid. Maybe this thread isn't for you then.

You’re not getting what people are saying. Your complaints, many valid, are about being a parent of young kids. Period. What you are “not over” is being a parent of young kids. You are blaming your problem on COVID when they’re really just about the difficulty of being a parent of young kids. Talk about that, not COVID.

Being a mom in America sucks in many ways, regardless of COVID

I have 3 kids with a big gap and can tell you parenting young kids during COVID was an entirely new form of stress and lack of support. Like we were all juggling a lot of balls before but then with COVID we were juggling during a hurricane. So stop telling other moms it’s always been this way when it hasn’t.

In the long term COVID has made some things easier (more workplace flexibility/remote options for instance), and there’s been expanded parental leave in recent years. But no, raising young kids circa the early 2010s vs. early 2020s was a different experience.

Still, I would never have allowed it to dictate how many children I had.

I agree many people are saying parenting is difficult and has many challenges. What OP is feeling is common and has nothing to do with Covid.

If this was your greatest hardship in life, to have your one child home with you for a year while you worked from home, you should feel lucky.

I was traumatized by not being able to visit my father in the hospital, having no idea what was going on, getting a call saying he fell and broke his arm while at the rehab center that we were not able to visit. I am very grateful my dad is still alive. My dad spent much of Covid being left alone in a bed with horrible care in soiled diapers. Others had loved ones die without being able to say good bye.

OP had one kid. I had to juggle 3. I had to keep my child away from the other two while they were in virtual school while also helping the kids in virtual school.

We knew lots of people who had Covid babies. I know people who suffered from infertility. Lots of people from my child’s preschool class had a sibling born between 2020 and 2023.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of older kids, I'm confused why everyone things the pandemic told them something new. Yes the pandemic sucked but we weren't supported before the pandemic either.

Yes, thank you, I was coming to post this. All of these things were issues before the pandemic and they are issues after.

I'm not sure why everyone blames the pandemic for everything that's wrong with life.

Is "everyone" blaming the pandemic for "everything" that is wrong with life? Is that something people are doing in this thread? Examples please.

Btw, this is OP and I'm not really even blaming the pandemic for anything. It's more like, during the height of Covid, I fell into a bit of a funk, and I am currently frustrated because although tine has passed and the pandemic is over, I'm still in the funk.

It's frustrating. I could also have written "Anyone else lose their groove when their kid was a toddler and still not have it back by the time they started elementary?" Sounds like people would relate to that as well. But I also think there was something particularly paralyzing about Covid that is still impacting me, so I framed it that way.

The incessant criticism on this thread is honestly weird. We get it, you are over Covid. Maybe this thread isn't for you then.

You’re not getting what people are saying. Your complaints, many valid, are about being a parent of young kids. Period. What you are “not over” is being a parent of young kids. You are blaming your problem on COVID when they’re really just about the difficulty of being a parent of young kids. Talk about that, not COVID.

Being a mom in America sucks in many ways, regardless of COVID

I have 3 kids with a big gap and can tell you parenting young kids during COVID was an entirely new form of stress and lack of support. Like we were all juggling a lot of balls before but then with COVID we were juggling during a hurricane. So stop telling other moms it’s always been this way when it hasn’t.

In the long term COVID has made some things easier (more workplace flexibility/remote options for instance), and there’s been expanded parental leave in recent years. But no, raising young kids circa the early 2010s vs. early 2020s was a different experience.

Still, I would never have allowed it to dictate how many children I had.

PP with a pandemic only. Why would you post this? Do you have any idea how hurtful it is or do you just not care?

If you feel this way, you are just lucky your COVID experience was different and not so crippling. Can't you just be silently grateful instead of piling on?

What does the pandemic have to do with having kids?

Wouldn’t being home all day everyday with a spouse be easier to make a child?

I have a friend who was pushing 40 starting the IVF process but never started before Covid. She managed to have 2 IVF babies in 2021 and 2022. Now she is struggling with a baby and toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think isolating for 2 years did this OP. That’s a really long time and most people didn’t actually do that. It’s not a judgment, it’s just maybe a partial explanation why it did so much damage to your psyche. We were still careful-ish (masking and not going to crowded indoor events) but by summer of 2020 we were seeing friends and so were our kids. The mental healthy effects started to scare me more than Covid. We didn’t end up catching Covid until Oct 2022.

DP. I appreciate you being respectful in stating this position. Many people are much more judgmental, which is one of the most infuriating parts of the pandemic. Yes, many of us who exercised caution and significantly curtailed our activities due to COVID, whether due to personal health, caring for an elderly family member, a sense of community greater good, hope that sacrifice would lead to schools reopening, or whatever reason, have wound up struggling in our work, social, and family lives for a variety of reasons associated with isolation. Those who resumed more normal lives sooner tend to have little sympathy for these struggles as if listening to public health guidance at the time was some sort of personal failing or weakness. The harm caused by isolation was not considered in public health decisions and has not been acknowledged or discussed enough, leaving individuals feeling unsupported as they try to rebuild their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of older kids, I'm confused why everyone things the pandemic told them something new. Yes the pandemic sucked but we weren't supported before the pandemic either.

Yes, thank you, I was coming to post this. All of these things were issues before the pandemic and they are issues after.

I'm not sure why everyone blames the pandemic for everything that's wrong with life.

Is "everyone" blaming the pandemic for "everything" that is wrong with life? Is that something people are doing in this thread? Examples please.

Btw, this is OP and I'm not really even blaming the pandemic for anything. It's more like, during the height of Covid, I fell into a bit of a funk, and I am currently frustrated because although tine has passed and the pandemic is over, I'm still in the funk.

It's frustrating. I could also have written "Anyone else lose their groove when their kid was a toddler and still not have it back by the time they started elementary?" Sounds like people would relate to that as well. But I also think there was something particularly paralyzing about Covid that is still impacting me, so I framed it that way.

The incessant criticism on this thread is honestly weird. We get it, you are over Covid. Maybe this thread isn't for you then.

You’re not getting what people are saying. Your complaints, many valid, are about being a parent of young kids. Period. What you are “not over” is being a parent of young kids. You are blaming your problem on COVID when they’re really just about the difficulty of being a parent of young kids. Talk about that, not COVID.

Being a mom in America sucks in many ways, regardless of COVID

I have 3 kids with a big gap and can tell you parenting young kids during COVID was an entirely new form of stress and lack of support. Like we were all juggling a lot of balls before but then with COVID we were juggling during a hurricane. So stop telling other moms it’s always been this way when it hasn’t.

In the long term COVID has made some things easier (more workplace flexibility/remote options for instance), and there’s been expanded parental leave in recent years. But no, raising young kids circa the early 2010s vs. early 2020s was a different experience.

Still, I would never have allowed it to dictate how many children I had.

PP with a pandemic only. Why would you post this? Do you have any idea how hurtful it is or do you just not care?

If you feel this way, you are just lucky your COVID experience was different and not so crippling. Can't you just be silently grateful instead of piling on?

What does the pandemic have to do with having kids?

Wouldn’t being home all day everyday with a spouse be easier to make a child?

I have a friend who was pushing 40 starting the IVF process but never started before Covid. She managed to have 2 IVF babies in 2021 and 2022. Now she is struggling with a baby and toddler.

To your first point, you either can't read or are purposely being obtuse.

To your second point, you must not have had kids during the pandemic or had some ideal and rare situation.

To your third point, maybe your friend is struggling, in part, because she underwent IVF, pregnancies, deliveries, and young kids DURING A PANDEMIC that may have somewhat burned her out. Maybe others who ALREADY HAD ONE KID WHEN IT STARTED had similar experiences and couldn't crank out a second. Just spitballing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of older kids, I'm confused why everyone things the pandemic told them something new. Yes the pandemic sucked but we weren't supported before the pandemic either.

Yes, thank you, I was coming to post this. All of these things were issues before the pandemic and they are issues after.

I'm not sure why everyone blames the pandemic for everything that's wrong with life.

Is "everyone" blaming the pandemic for "everything" that is wrong with life? Is that something people are doing in this thread? Examples please.

Btw, this is OP and I'm not really even blaming the pandemic for anything. It's more like, during the height of Covid, I fell into a bit of a funk, and I am currently frustrated because although tine has passed and the pandemic is over, I'm still in the funk.

It's frustrating. I could also have written "Anyone else lose their groove when their kid was a toddler and still not have it back by the time they started elementary?" Sounds like people would relate to that as well. But I also think there was something particularly paralyzing about Covid that is still impacting me, so I framed it that way.

The incessant criticism on this thread is honestly weird. We get it, you are over Covid. Maybe this thread isn't for you then.

You’re not getting what people are saying. Your complaints, many valid, are about being a parent of young kids. Period. What you are “not over” is being a parent of young kids. You are blaming your problem on COVID when they’re really just about the difficulty of being a parent of young kids. Talk about that, not COVID.

Being a mom in America sucks in many ways, regardless of COVID

I have 3 kids with a big gap and can tell you parenting young kids during COVID was an entirely new form of stress and lack of support. Like we were all juggling a lot of balls before but then with COVID we were juggling during a hurricane. So stop telling other moms it’s always been this way when it hasn’t.

In the long term COVID has made some things easier (more workplace flexibility/remote options for instance), and there’s been expanded parental leave in recent years. But no, raising young kids circa the early 2010s vs. early 2020s was a different experience.

Still, I would never have allowed it to dictate how many children I had.

I agree many people are saying parenting is difficult and has many challenges. What OP is feeling is common and has nothing to do with Covid.

If this was your greatest hardship in life, to have your one child home with you for a year while you worked from home, you should feel lucky.

I was traumatized by not being able to visit my father in the hospital, having no idea what was going on, getting a call saying he fell and broke his arm while at the rehab center that we were not able to visit. I am very grateful my dad is still alive. My dad spent much of Covid being left alone in a bed with horrible care in soiled diapers. Others had loved ones die without being able to say good bye.

OP had one kid. I had to juggle 3. I had to keep my child away from the other two while they were in virtual school while also helping the kids in virtual school.

We knew lots of people who had Covid babies. I know people who suffered from infertility. Lots of people from my child’s preschool class had a sibling born between 2020 and 2023.

Great. So this means anyone with a different experience is a loser right?

And you already had your family complete with school-aged kids, so your experience isn't relevant to OP's post nor your condescension warranted.

Also very presumptuous to assume this was the only hardship in anyone's life over three years. It certainly wasn't for me (not OP).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of older kids, I'm confused why everyone things the pandemic told them something new. Yes the pandemic sucked but we weren't supported before the pandemic either.

Yes, thank you, I was coming to post this. All of these things were issues before the pandemic and they are issues after.

I'm not sure why everyone blames the pandemic for everything that's wrong with life.

Is "everyone" blaming the pandemic for "everything" that is wrong with life? Is that something people are doing in this thread? Examples please.

I'm not discounting that Covid was hard. It was, and it was harder for some than others. But raising kids and balancing family needs vs work etc was always hard pre Covid and continued to be hard today. So it's hard to tease out what was caused by Covid and what is just caused by life. And now Covid shutdown was a few years in the past, I think it's time to really start examining factors other than Covid if people are currently suffering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of older kids, I'm confused why everyone things the pandemic told them something new. Yes the pandemic sucked but we weren't supported before the pandemic either.

Yes, thank you, I was coming to post this. All of these things were issues before the pandemic and they are issues after.

I'm not sure why everyone blames the pandemic for everything that's wrong with life.

Is "everyone" blaming the pandemic for "everything" that is wrong with life? Is that something people are doing in this thread? Examples please.

Btw, this is OP and I'm not really even blaming the pandemic for anything. It's more like, during the height of Covid, I fell into a bit of a funk, and I am currently frustrated because although tine has passed and the pandemic is over, I'm still in the funk.

It's frustrating. I could also have written "Anyone else lose their groove when their kid was a toddler and still not have it back by the time they started elementary?" Sounds like people would relate to that as well. But I also think there was something particularly paralyzing about Covid that is still impacting me, so I framed it that way.

The incessant criticism on this thread is honestly weird. We get it, you are over Covid. Maybe this thread isn't for you then.

You’re not getting what people are saying. Your complaints, many valid, are about being a parent of young kids. Period. What you are “not over” is being a parent of young kids. You are blaming your problem on COVID when they’re really just about the difficulty of being a parent of young kids. Talk about that, not COVID.

Being a mom in America sucks in many ways, regardless of COVID

I have 3 kids with a big gap and can tell you parenting young kids during COVID was an entirely new form of stress and lack of support. Like we were all juggling a lot of balls before but then with COVID we were juggling during a hurricane. So stop telling other moms it’s always been this way when it hasn’t.

In the long term COVID has made some things easier (more workplace flexibility/remote options for instance), and there’s been expanded parental leave in recent years. But no, raising young kids circa the early 2010s vs. early 2020s was a different experience.

Still, I would never have allowed it to dictate how many children I had.

I agree many people are saying parenting is difficult and has many challenges. What OP is feeling is common and has nothing to do with Covid.

If this was your greatest hardship in life, to have your one child home with you for a year while you worked from home, you should feel lucky.

I was traumatized by not being able to visit my father in the hospital, having no idea what was going on, getting a call saying he fell and broke his arm while at the rehab center that we were not able to visit. I am very grateful my dad is still alive. My dad spent much of Covid being left alone in a bed with horrible care in soiled diapers. Others had loved ones die without being able to say good bye.

OP had one kid. I had to juggle 3. I had to keep my child away from the other two while they were in virtual school while also helping the kids in virtual school.

We knew lots of people who had Covid babies. I know people who suffered from infertility. Lots of people from my child’s preschool class had a sibling born between 2020 and 2023.

Great. So this means anyone with a different experience is a loser right?

And you already had your family complete with school-aged kids, so your experience isn't relevant to OP's post nor your condescension warranted.

Also very presumptuous to assume this was the only hardship in anyone's life over three years. It certainly wasn't for me (not OP).

All I’m saying is that everyone had different struggles during Covid. Everyone also had different levels of comfort with Covid.

I felt comfortable being outside away from people. After the first few months, we socialized with others outside. My kids attended outdoor camps in summer 2020. We went to the beach.

If you isolated yourself for 1-2 years, that was your choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of older kids, I'm confused why everyone things the pandemic told them something new. Yes the pandemic sucked but we weren't supported before the pandemic either.

Yes, thank you, I was coming to post this. All of these things were issues before the pandemic and they are issues after.

I'm not sure why everyone blames the pandemic for everything that's wrong with life.

Is "everyone" blaming the pandemic for "everything" that is wrong with life? Is that something people are doing in this thread? Examples please.

Btw, this is OP and I'm not really even blaming the pandemic for anything. It's more like, during the height of Covid, I fell into a bit of a funk, and I am currently frustrated because although tine has passed and the pandemic is over, I'm still in the funk.

It's frustrating. I could also have written "Anyone else lose their groove when their kid was a toddler and still not have it back by the time they started elementary?" Sounds like people would relate to that as well. But I also think there was something particularly paralyzing about Covid that is still impacting me, so I framed it that way.

The incessant criticism on this thread is honestly weird. We get it, you are over Covid. Maybe this thread isn't for you then.

You’re not getting what people are saying. Your complaints, many valid, are about being a parent of young kids. Period. What you are “not over” is being a parent of young kids. You are blaming your problem on COVID when they’re really just about the difficulty of being a parent of young kids. Talk about that, not COVID.

Being a mom in America sucks in many ways, regardless of COVID

I have 3 kids with a big gap and can tell you parenting young kids during COVID was an entirely new form of stress and lack of support. Like we were all juggling a lot of balls before but then with COVID we were juggling during a hurricane. So stop telling other moms it’s always been this way when it hasn’t.

In the long term COVID has made some things easier (more workplace flexibility/remote options for instance), and there’s been expanded parental leave in recent years. But no, raising young kids circa the early 2010s vs. early 2020s was a different experience.

Still, I would never have allowed it to dictate how many children I had.

DH is a physician and he was shut down for 3 months. His practice was actually slow for the next 6 months because patients were afraid to go to the hospital.

Some gave birth during height of Covid. Some started IVF in 2021. By 2021, everything was back to normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think isolating for 2 years did this OP. That’s a really long time and most people didn’t actually do that. It’s not a judgment, it’s just maybe a partial explanation why it did so much damage to your psyche. We were still careful-ish (masking and not going to crowded indoor events) but by summer of 2020 we were seeing friends and so were our kids. The mental healthy effects started to scare me more than Covid. We didn’t end up catching Covid until Oct 2022.

DP. I appreciate you being respectful in stating this position. Many people are much more judgmental, which is one of the most infuriating parts of the pandemic. Yes, many of us who exercised caution and significantly curtailed our activities due to COVID, whether due to personal health, caring for an elderly family member, a sense of community greater good, hope that sacrifice would lead to schools reopening, or whatever reason, have wound up struggling in our work, social, and family lives for a variety of reasons associated with isolation. Those who resumed more normal lives sooner tend to have little sympathy for these struggles as if listening to public health guidance at the time was some sort of personal failing or weakness. The harm caused by isolation was not considered in public health decisions and has not been acknowledged or discussed enough, leaving individuals feeling unsupported as they try to rebuild their lives.

I think this is a good point. I work in public health in a field that directly supporting pandemic recovery and felt very strongly I should go by the book in limiting our exposure. We also were so miserable every time a child was sent home for a 10 day isolation that we did very little in person besides child care. I also suspect we are in a community that tested and reported exposures more frequently thanks other parts of the country (lots of scientists and healthcare workers in our area). My sibling who lives in Florida had a totally different experience- people were “over” COVID very early on, nobody tested or quarantined.

If I’m totally honest in looking back at the effects on my family I might do things differently. I think we were in the minority more than I realized and it was harder on us than I realized.

But there’s also a sense that I found out that some people I previously respected were dishonest and selfish. I was so angry at my sibling for exposing my partners pre vaccine. But in the end no one died - I don’t know. If you really cared and really wanted to do the right thing it was hard. My ILs became essentially agoraphobic. They are very slowly coming out of it but they are terrified about their health every time there’s a rise in COVID cases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think isolating for 2 years did this OP. That’s a really long time and most people didn’t actually do that. It’s not a judgment, it’s just maybe a partial explanation why it did so much damage to your psyche. We were still careful-ish (masking and not going to crowded indoor events) but by summer of 2020 we were seeing friends and so were our kids. The mental healthy effects started to scare me more than Covid. We didn’t end up catching Covid until Oct 2022.

DP. I appreciate you being respectful in stating this position. Many people are much more judgmental, which is one of the most infuriating parts of the pandemic. Yes, many of us who exercised caution and significantly curtailed our activities due to COVID, whether due to personal health, caring for an elderly family member, a sense of community greater good, hope that sacrifice would lead to schools reopening, or whatever reason, have wound up struggling in our work, social, and family lives for a variety of reasons associated with isolation. Those who resumed more normal lives sooner tend to have little sympathy for these struggles as if listening to public health guidance at the time was some sort of personal failing or weakness. The harm caused by isolation was not considered in public health decisions and has not been acknowledged or discussed enough, leaving individuals feeling unsupported as they try to rebuild their lives.

I think this is a good point. I work in public health in a field that directly supporting pandemic recovery and felt very strongly I should go by the book in limiting our exposure. We also were so miserable every time a child was sent home for a 10 day isolation that we did very little in person besides child care. I also suspect we are in a community that tested and reported exposures more frequently thanks other parts of the country (lots of scientists and healthcare workers in our area). My sibling who lives in Florida had a totally different experience- people were “over” COVID very early on, nobody tested or quarantined.

If I’m totally honest in looking back at the effects on my family I might do things differently. I think we were in the minority more than I realized and it was harder on us than I realized.

But there’s also a sense that I found out that some people I previously respected were dishonest and selfish. I was so angry at my sibling for exposing my partners pre vaccine. But in the end no one died - I don’t know. If you really cared and really wanted to do the right thing it was hard. My ILs became essentially agoraphobic. They are very slowly coming out of it but they are terrified about their health every time there’s a rise in COVID cases.

*exposing my parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm pissed this thread became a pile-on of a bunch of people telling anyone talking about their struggles that actually they don't have struggles and should stop talking about it. I think a lot of you have MAJOR issues that this is how you choose to spend your time.

Anyway, I'm going to go through and report a bunch of these comments as off-tope and ask Jeff to clean up the thread because I actually do think it could be a source of support and commiseration for people who need it. If that's not you, you can go away. Thanks!

Hi OP- I think what might be contributing the most to your malaise is grief over not having a second kid. It wasn't really a choice, it was taken from you.

I, too, missed our window during 2021-2022. I know we are out there. There needs to be a support group for us. I've really thought about starting one.

Parenting your one while mourning, MOURNING your second/the possibility/the hope, is HARD. It's exhausting. The Crippling grief. The self-flagellation and feelings of failure-"why is it so hard, I only have one." The guilt over no sibling. The anger- lots of anger.

And because it's so intertwined with COVID it's hard to tease apart. For a long time I thought my malaise was mostly due to COVID, but since winter of 2022, it's been grief. COVID was the crappy foundation from which everything else flows.

It's taken me nearly two years and a lot of therapy to not cry everyday. And it's still hard.

It sounds like you are doing better than I was, but I hope this is somewhat helpful and you consider finding a therapist/grief counselor. Hugs.

You are not alone but I know it can feel that way.

OP & PP - can I ask why you didn't / couldn't have a baby due to Covid, or during that initial pandemic year? Was is stress, anxiety about getting sick, funk / too much on your plate, REs that closed for a period, were you working in-person as HCWs etc.?

Some of it's practical. Like I couldn't even schedule an appointment with my OB to have my IUD removed for almost 6 months because of initial shut downs and then my doctor had a backlog. But then during those 6 months, our childcare collapsed. Our daycare shut down temporarily and then altogether. We limped by with some part time care from one of the teachers at our old daycare (would have loved to just hire her full-time but couldn't afford it).

We thought DD would start PK at the public school in the fall but then the school didn't open. By the time this was announced, there were no spots available at private preschools. They kept making it sound like schools would open soon but then they didn't. We finally got a spot in a PT preschool in January, but this meant we had care from 9am to 1pm. I tried to find a sitter for at least some afternoons but couldn't; I wound up scaling back my hours to make it work.

We were able to get her into full time camp in the summer and she started PK fall of 2021. Huge relief, but not without its bumps. She hated the part time PK and camp. I think it was all that time with us at home combined with a TON of rules related to social distancing, masking, and outdoor time due to Covid.

Things got better once she was in full-time PK. Our feeling was, if we're going to have a baby, we should do it right now. We were so tired. I still didn't know what normal looked like for our family. I actually kept a reduced schedule at work because we couldn't get an aftercare spot, and also, I was just burned out. I started to think about what a pregnancy meant for my already exhausted 40+ body. We held off.

And then I had another birthday, and decided the window was closed for me. I do still mourn it (typing this made me cry) but I know it's the right choice at this point. But yes, what if I'd gotten my IUD out in February? What if schools had opened in fall of 2020? What if we could afford a FT nanny or a SAHP? What if we'd moved somewhere with more available childcare? And so on. I still have all my DD's baby things packed in boxes in my closet and I can't hear the idea of getting rid of them yet.

I feel like I just lost a year and a half, and when it was over, I felt like I'd aged 5 years. What seemed possible before so didnt seem possible anymore.

I understand how you feel, but it sounds like you might be 43 now, right? You could still go for it. Yes there are risks, but you know how miserable you are with not going for it. And most people still have healthy babies at this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guys it’s been two years! 2 years!

It’s been 3.5.

It’s been over for two years.