Am I the jerk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

WOW - complaining about your husband getting sober and trying to improve himself does in fact make you terrible. Nobody said your husband is a saint, but he sounds like he is doing the best he can, and trying to take everyone's opinion into account (including yours - given what you've said about the March meeting and wanting to sit down with a calendar to go over things) and you just want to be able to make blanket decisions about other people's lives. You ARE terrible, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here's a perfect example (and I can post because I am on an endless pointless stupid work meeting that needs zero attention but my presence is required).

DH came into my office and said he's going to store and asked me what ingredients I need to make a dinner I wanted to try. I picked up vegetables at the farmers market but there's some things he needed. Our conversation turned into when I can make this dinner because kid one is going here and kid two is going there and I have a training for a sport I am doing and need to go to the equipment store and so on. We started talking through my schedule and he started getting annoyed saying non-responsive things to my questions like "yeah" or "yeah no" when those aren't answers and I'm just like throw everything in the trash. I'm never going to make this. Fine.

He'll make the kids dinner, I'll be stuck eating pasta with vegetables snuck into the sauce like they are toddlers and the world spins on.

So it's okay for you do extracurriculars but not your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

This is quite the non sequitor. But I’ll bite. How have his struggles and sobriety journey made your life hell, exactly?

OP here. I swore I would never marry an addict and have been very clear that an addiction is something I won’t accept. He didn’t drink seriously for over 15 years and then blames his prior job (which he quit and left) and COVID anxiety for his descent into secret day drinking. I was so pissed when he came clean I threatened to leave him and remind him all the time that no one will question my decision to kick a drunk to the curb. And he could forget the kids and drink away or do whatever he wants as long as he pays child support. That shut down every argument he’s had so he doesn’t complain anymore. But he gets passive aggressive and talks in the whole “I feel” mode to make me feel bad instead of just calling me an ahole like he used to.

So, that’s the hell, PP. see, he’s no perfect prince.

This is a cruel thing to say to a spouse in recovery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He even made the decision to get treatment at night before telling me he was drunk! That’s how screwed up it was. I didn’t even get to choose to ship him to rehab.

PSYCHO CONTROL FREAK TROLL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I am sticking to my guns because I'm in the right. I am the mother and I should have more control over what's happening in my family.

I gave the background info because I think it's important to point out that DH isn't a saint. He's decided to become a drunk and then announced it and left me with the choice of being a single mother or putting up with his addiction. I'm still angry thinking about it.

I know what he does and yes it's fine but there is so much energy I spend thinking about his being an addict, the kids, my terrible job and if I'm honest...I would leave if it didn't make me look like a terrible person. It's all exhausting and I was the happiest in my life before all of this. When I was single and just had a dog and did whatever I wanted.

So, I'm staying but I want to have a say here. What's wrong with that.

I agree. You need a say. You need a say in the therapist that you choose to get help because if you're not a troll, then you have serious mental health issues and need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

OP if I were you, I’d stop posting. I’ve literally never heard anyone ridicule and complain about a spouse who is now sober. Just wow! I hope DH discovers this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I am sticking to my guns because I'm in the right. I am the mother and I should have more control over what's happening in my family.

I gave the background info because I think it's important to point out that DH isn't a saint. He's decided to become a drunk and then announced it and left me with the choice of being a single mother or putting up with his addiction. I'm still angry thinking about it.

I know what he does and yes it's fine but there is so much energy I spend thinking about his being an addict, the kids, my terrible job and if I'm honest...I would leave if it didn't make me look like a terrible person. It's all exhausting and I was the happiest in my life before all of this. When I was single and just had a dog and did whatever I wanted.

So, I'm staying but I want to have a say here. What's wrong with that.

First of all, this is really offensive and wrong about addiction. Addiction isn’t something that a person chooses; it’s a disease. A person with addiction has choices to make about how to respond, and your husband chose treatment - the responsible healthy choice - and for some reason this upsets you.

Secondly, I really don’t understand why you chose to have children and I’m surprised you were even able to manage the responsibility of a dog on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I am sticking to my guns because I'm in the right. I am the mother and I should have more control over what's happening in my family.

I gave the background info because I think it's important to point out that DH isn't a saint. He's decided to become a drunk and then announced it and left me with the choice of being a single mother or putting up with his addiction. I'm still angry thinking about it.

I know what he does and yes it's fine but there is so much energy I spend thinking about his being an addict, the kids, my terrible job and if I'm honest...I would leave if it didn't make me look like a terrible person. It's all exhausting and I was the happiest in my life before all of this. When I was single and just had a dog and did whatever I wanted.
I
So, I'm staying but I want to have a say here. What's wrong with that.

I really hope you’re trolling or whatever. No one should suck this much in real life.

Ok lady. No one decides to be an alcoholic. It’s an illness.

alcoholic is an illness? i thought it was a choice.

Are you writing this from 1976? If so, hi! Buy Apple stock as soon as you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure who is the jerk here, but I agree with the thrust of the OP that kids don't need to be scheduled every minute of the summer.

I also don't see why the other option is the kids sitting around watching TV all day. Have them spend some days outside with friends, making things, puttering around, whatever.

It doesn't make sense to say that she has no say in her kids being overscheduled if she doesn't make the plans. If the kids aren't scheduled, then her DH doesn't need to make plans either!

OP didn’t give the kids’ ages, but I assumed at least one of them is an age (say 8 or under) where they need some kind of supervision during the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure who is the jerk here, but I agree with the thrust of the OP that kids don't need to be scheduled every minute of the summer.

I also don't see why the other option is the kids sitting around watching TV all day. Have them spend some days outside with friends, making things, puttering around, whatever.

It doesn't make sense to say that she has no say in her kids being overscheduled if she doesn't make the plans. If the kids aren't scheduled, then her DH doesn't need to make plans either!

That would involve OP actually parenting them during the day, which she has not agreed to do. It's not fair to add this to the plate of a DH who is working and doing absolutely everything else at home.

A lot of parents do this but then both contribute or they have PT/flex or a babysitter etc.

I don’t think OP would or should have to do much parenting. Let the kids entertain themselves, unless they are very young. That’s the whole point. It’s good for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure who is the jerk here, but I agree with the thrust of the OP that kids don't need to be scheduled every minute of the summer.

I also don't see why the other option is the kids sitting around watching TV all day. Have them spend some days outside with friends, making things, puttering around, whatever.

It doesn't make sense to say that she has no say in her kids being overscheduled if she doesn't make the plans. If the kids aren't scheduled, then her DH doesn't need to make plans either!

That would involve OP actually parenting them during the day, which she has not agreed to do. It's not fair to add this to the plate of a DH who is working and doing absolutely everything else at home.

A lot of parents do this but then both contribute or they have PT/flex or a babysitter etc.

I don’t think OP would or should have to do much parenting. Let the kids entertain themselves, unless they are very young. That’s the whole point. It’s good for kids.

OP didn't provide the ages of the kids. I assumed they were on the younger side in light of the camps, driving, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I am sticking to my guns because I'm in the right. I am the mother and I should have more control over what's happening in my family.

I gave the background info because I think it's important to point out that DH isn't a saint. He's decided to become a drunk and then announced it and left me with the choice of being a single mother or putting up with his addiction. I'm still angry thinking about it.

I know what he does and yes it's fine but there is so much energy I spend thinking about his being an addict, the kids, my terrible job and if I'm honest...I would leave if it didn't make me look like a terrible person. It's all exhausting and I was the happiest in my life before all of this. When I was single and just had a dog and did whatever I wanted.
I
So, I'm staying but I want to have a say here. What's wrong with that.

I really hope you’re trolling or whatever. No one should suck this much in real life.

Ok lady. No one decides to be an alcoholic. It’s an illness.

alcoholic is an illness? i thought it was a choice.

Are you writing this from 1976? If so, hi! Buy Apple stock as soon as you can.

This is the best!

[Anonymous]

Kids being in camp is very normal. I don’t know if OP is a jerk but she is definitely in the wrong.

Team DH.

I am a SAHM and juggle 3 kids. If DH told me that my kids should just chill, I would probably lose it at him. OP sounds lazy and guilty so she is lashing out at her DH.

[Anonymous]

You know it OP, you’re a total jerk, why ask? You sound like my DH who basically showed up to our sons graduation like a guest and had the f*ing nerve to complain about some small detail. Drives me nuts. If you’re not going to be proactively involving in the planning and actual logistics of [fill in the blank, Camp, whatever], please sit down and shut up. Be happy it’s all being taken care of by your very loving spouse. The kids know it. It’s so obvious they don’t ask DH for anything anymore. Do you want that? The planning can get mentally exhausting but I personally wouldn’t miss those years for the world.

My advice (since you posted here to solicit advice): Be intentional with your planning & actions; time is precious and the kids will be looking in the rear view mirror before you know it as they leave for college or whatever the future holds for them. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I cannot believe you people are taking the side of my drunk husband. After years of reading this board and hearing how being an addict is unacceptable and grounds for a divorce, here you all are talking about the virtues of a man who was day drinking because he had a "hostile" job and fears around covid.

And yes, I've thought about divorce but I'm practical. The amount of resources my kids would lose being with me compared to staying married makes it a no brainer. So, I stay.