I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care

[Anonymous]

Get a grip and some perspective, OP.

[Anonymous]

💩

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to be more resilient. You still got a night out on vacation with no kids!!!! For real. I would be happy at a TGI Friday's as long as I had babysitting lined up and could relax like it's a real vacation...

This is not "high-stakes."

[Anonymous]

If this is what you consider high stakes then you live a charmed life - but you are utterly incapable of appreciating it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It is not uncommon for the partner of a catastrophizer to pull in the opposite direction to seek balance.

He was trying to make the best of things. Try it sometime. All you did was guarantee it was going to be a miserable experience. Pouting is never a good look.

Yes my spouse is the negative Nellie and always predicting disaster which means I need to counterbalance him. Esp for the sake of the kids. Usually it’s not as we are doing something it’s his predictions (there will be tons of traffic and we won’t make it; it will be too hot and crowded to enjoy; the kids will complain the entire way on the hike: ds wont be able to manage anything that hard etc; if it’s that cheap how do you know the hotel is nice it’s probably a dump ). It’s exhausting to be around such negativity. I was never a positive person but it’s pushed me to take that role for balance

I am one of the PPs with a negative Nellie spouse and I relate to this 100%. It's not just the constant noticing of anything negative (or perceived as negative) but also the predictions, often with hyperbolic language -- "there's zero chance we are going to make it on time." The predictions are correct less than 50% of the time, but even if correct only 1 out of 10 times, it seems the 10%, rather than the 90%, is what is reinforcing. It was tougher on the kids when they were younger and couldn't put the exaggeration and negativity in perspective, and I was always trying to finesse a balance. Exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Yes my spouse is the negative Nellie and always predicting disaster which means I need to counterbalance him. Esp for the sake of the kids. Usually it’s not as we are doing something it’s his predictions (there will be tons of traffic and we won’t make it; it will be too hot and crowded to enjoy; the kids will complain the entire way on the hike: ds wont be able to manage anything that hard etc; if it’s that cheap how do you know the hotel is nice it’s probably a dump ). It’s exhausting to be around such negativity. I was never a positive person but it’s pushed me to take that role for balance


Sounds like he’s good at planning and you aren’t.

I wouldn’t know since he leaves me to plan everything. I actually am a good planner, I do all the research ahead of time to ensure the best possible outcomes (not always in our control of course) and DH just parachutes in with his opinions. I’ve invited him to take on the planning and inevitably it’s too stressful. So i do it, he gets negative, the kids and I roll our eyes and it’s usually better than fine and Mayer he will admit that. He will make a restaurant reservation of course but things like travel, camps, family activites etc are usually all on me. We recently did a 10 day trip that was amazing and half way through he acknowledged it was great and expressed gratitude for my efforts in planning it ; I think his reactions are usually a form of anxiety that he’s learned from childhood. So an annoying quirk but I’ve leaned to live with it (and he puts up with my annoying quirks).

[Anonymous]

Watch the episode of The Bear titled "Fishes." Don't be the mom that ruins events for her family because they aren't the Norman Rockwell experience.

It is fine to be disappointed, but it's your reaction to the disappointment that's the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, your approach ... your intensity, you really should adjust your thinking

OP here. I know I should, esp after reading all the feedback here. I just don't know how yet.

My husband and I were in line for a boat ride the other day, and I was like, "Wow, how are we so far behind in line, we got here 30 minutes early!"

And he was like, "I think we're pretty far ahead in line."

And we realized that he was looking at the 30-40 ppl behind us in line, and I was looking at the 30-40 people ahead of us. And I was like, wow, this is so emblematic of the difference between how we think.

This is such a good example and shows strong self-awareness on your part. I imagine that you are conscientious, and probably good at preparing in advance and avoiding mistakes others of us make. I admire you for being open to dialogue about how you perceive experiences and react to "when things go wrong." This openness might save you some heartache and this is why.

I am your husband in the above scenario and here is what potentially is in store for you over the years, absent a turnaround: Your family won't *treasure* spending time with you. Maybe they will spend time with you and glean some positive things, but your family/friends are hiding some of their true feelings.

My husband and I still do a lot together but he doesn't know that secretly I usually would prefer not to go places with him. After many years, it is at a place that even if he doesn't end up making many negative comments (to him, he is just stating the facts of the situation), around him I am experiencing things "on eggshells" (I hope we don't run into traffic, I hope we can find a parking space, I hope there aren't 30-40 people in line in front of us etc. etc....) because I am worried about his reaction. Even if his comments are slight -- he is not a yeller or anything like that -- his negative comments are cumulative and his attitude and "frowny face" reactions dampen the entire mood. If I am by myself (or with one or more of my young adult kids), I don't worry about any of these things because we all expect imperfections and roll with it. We can have a sense of humor. So by myself I see the 30-40 people behind us but with him, I know I am going to see the 30-40 people ahead - it completely alters every experience. He's not fully aware because in the moment I usually try to ignore it and not let it ruin my experience. He is a loving father and I'm sure his sensitivities and tendency to hyper-focus has helped our family avoid experiencing certain negative things because he worries about things that we don't. But he is truly saddened at the unspoken pulling away he sees from me - and his children. I have tried to gently tell him why and he has tried a few things, but he seems to have concluded it is "just who he is." He's overall a good person so we aren't really mad at him....I think we pity him.....

Despite his deep love for his family, there is one thing that I don't think my husband has been able to "hear" or understand. His unspoken message to us at nearly every family restaurant dinner, family trip, etc., is that we are not good enough -- the enjoyment of spending time with us is not enough to override his funk from the fact that the view isn't as expected or that his entree was delivered late.

This is a great perspective. My mom is a lot like OP and its exhausting. Going places with her is stressful because there is always something negative for her to set in on.

Agreed. OP, please read this carefully and try to take it to heart. I am fortunate that my spouse is not like you, but I have several friends who I have had to slowly distance myself from because of your type of attitude. You don't see it, but you cast a cloud over all types of events. We have a rare chance to get together and rather than enjoy the experience, you have to pick out the small handful of things that annoy you. The rest of us are trying to enjoy the first time we get out without kids in months and you are nitpicking about things not being perfect.

Like the PP said, it is exhausting and I have had to distance myself from friends I otherwise would enjoy being around. With two jobs, a handicapped spouse, and kids, I don't have nearly enough time to get out and enjoy myself with friends and I find that I'm no longer willing to deal with the people who make an otherwise enjoyable step out turn sour, even mildly.

I have a hard enough time dealing with friends like that. I can't imagine dealing with a spouse like that.

[Anonymous]

Many people have pointed out that this was not a “high stakes” situation. Maybe “expensive” would have been a better word.

But, OP, what is it about the night that FELT high stakes to you?

I think start by trying to be curious about yourself and just keep asking, and why do I think that?

[Anonymous]

I am surprised no one has trotted out the old story about the 2 guys in the hospital and one of them has the “window” view …

[Anonymous]

The greatest joy of my life is that both DH and I are like OP’s DH. Always roll with the punches, always find the bright side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, Did you grow up modest income or poor? I am not saying this in a derogatory fashion.

Wonder if you're on to something. I have a former friend who grew up poor but had a scholarship to an elite private high school so she was surrounded by the uber wealthy. She was so bitter and felt like she deserved things more than others. She was completely incapable of having joy for others successes or things in their life. Instead she whined about why that couldn't be her and how they already had W, X, Y, so why should they get to have Z too?

OP here. I think I got what I needed from the thread and am ready to move on with my vacation, but wanted to reply to this because it is spot on. Yes, I grew up poor and yes, I got a scholarship to an elite school. I also had a job for a while that allowed me to live like the wealthy people I went to school with, but was soulless and added no value to the world. I ultimately chose another path that is a lot less lucrative.

As a society, we seem to be fine with the fact that corporate lawyers, bankers, tech bros, and old money people get to have experiences that are a million times better than people who add much more value to the world (nurses, teachers, nonprofit workers). I think it's wild how people (rich and poor) just accept this -- it makes no sense to me. Sure, we could say "That's just the way it is - tough", but we used to say the same about slavery, gender discrimination, LGBTQ rights, etc and clearly major changes have happened in those areas. Why not economic inequality?

Anyway, FWIW, we were able to do another foodie date night, went in with no expectations, and it was perfection. I am not brushing off all the good advice and am committing to handling disappointment much better in the future and staying more positive, with therapy if needed. I'm really grateful to everyone who took the time to offer constructive advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, Did you grow up modest income or poor? I am not saying this in a derogatory fashion.

Wonder if you're on to something. I have a former friend who grew up poor but had a scholarship to an elite private high school so she was surrounded by the uber wealthy. She was so bitter and felt like she deserved things more than others. She was completely incapable of having joy for others successes or things in their life. Instead she whined about why that couldn't be her and how they already had W, X, Y, so why should they get to have Z too?

OP here. I think I got what I needed from the thread and am ready to move on with my vacation, but wanted to reply to this because it is spot on. Yes, I grew up poor and yes, I got a scholarship to an elite school. I also had a job for a while that allowed me to live like the wealthy people I went to school with, but was soulless and added no value to the world. I ultimately chose another path that is a lot less lucrative.

As a society, we seem to be fine with the fact that corporate lawyers, bankers, tech bros, and old money people get to have experiences that are a million times better than people who add much more value to the world (nurses, teachers, nonprofit workers). I think it's wild how people (rich and poor) just accept this -- it makes no sense to me. Sure, we could say "That's just the way it is - tough", but we used to say the same about slavery, gender discrimination, LGBTQ rights, etc and clearly major changes have happened in those areas. Why not economic inequality?

Anyway, FWIW, we were able to do another foodie date night, went in with no expectations, and it was perfection. I am not brushing off all the good advice and am committing to handling disappointment much better in the future and staying more positive, with therapy if needed. I'm really grateful to everyone who took the time to offer constructive advice.

You’re vacationing in the French Riviera. Which side of economic inequality do you think you’re on, exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, Did you grow up modest income or poor? I am not saying this in a derogatory fashion.

Wonder if you're on to something. I have a former friend who grew up poor but had a scholarship to an elite private high school so she was surrounded by the uber wealthy. She was so bitter and felt like she deserved things more than others. She was completely incapable of having joy for others successes or things in their life. Instead she whined about why that couldn't be her and how they already had W, X, Y, so why should they get to have Z too?

OP here. I think I got what I needed from the thread and am ready to move on with my vacation, but wanted to reply to this because it is spot on. Yes, I grew up poor and yes, I got a scholarship to an elite school. I also had a job for a while that allowed me to live like the wealthy people I went to school with, but was soulless and added no value to the world. I ultimately chose another path that is a lot less lucrative.

As a society, we seem to be fine with the fact that corporate lawyers, bankers, tech bros, and old money people get to have experiences that are a million times better than people who add much more value to the world (nurses, teachers, nonprofit workers). I think it's wild how people (rich and poor) just accept this -- it makes no sense to me. Sure, we could say "That's just the way it is - tough", but we used to say the same about slavery, gender discrimination, LGBTQ rights, etc and clearly major changes have happened in those areas. Why not economic inequality?

Anyway, FWIW, we were able to do another foodie date night, went in with no expectations, and it was perfection. I am not brushing off all the good advice and am committing to handling disappointment much better in the future and staying more positive, with therapy if needed. I'm really grateful to everyone who took the time to offer constructive advice.

You’re vacationing in the French Riviera. Which side of economic inequality do you think you’re on, exactly?

+1

OP, I doubt you’d think anything was ever good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, Did you grow up modest income or poor? I am not saying this in a derogatory fashion.

Wonder if you're on to something. I have a former friend who grew up poor but had a scholarship to an elite private high school so she was surrounded by the uber wealthy. She was so bitter and felt like she deserved things more than others. She was completely incapable of having joy for others successes or things in their life. Instead she whined about why that couldn't be her and how they already had W, X, Y, so why should they get to have Z too?

OP here. I think I got what I needed from the thread and am ready to move on with my vacation, but wanted to reply to this because it is spot on. Yes, I grew up poor and yes, I got a scholarship to an elite school. I also had a job for a while that allowed me to live like the wealthy people I went to school with, but was soulless and added no value to the world. I ultimately chose another path that is a lot less lucrative.

As a society, we seem to be fine with the fact that corporate lawyers, bankers, tech bros, and old money people get to have experiences that are a million times better than people who add much more value to the world (nurses, teachers, nonprofit workers). I think it's wild how people (rich and poor) just accept this -- it makes no sense to me. Sure, we could say "That's just the way it is - tough", but we used to say the same about slavery, gender discrimination, LGBTQ rights, etc and clearly major changes have happened in those areas. Why not economic inequality?

Anyway, FWIW, we were able to do another foodie date night, went in with no expectations, and it was perfection. I am not brushing off all the good advice and am committing to handling disappointment much better in the future and staying more positive, with therapy if needed. I'm really grateful to everyone who took the time to offer constructive advice.

People who think they contribute more to society get the joy of being paid in Wokebucks. While it’s true the Ritz Carleton does not accept that particular currency, I see you’re more than capable of spending it.