I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of life’s disappointments arise from unmet expectations. I’ve realized the more I have a pre-set idea of how something is going to go, the less happy I usually am. In fact, some of the most fun times in my life have been impromptu and with little preconceived notions of how things should go.

I think you put way too much pressure on the night. The cost. The once a year-ness of it. The special view. Something was bound to disappoint.

You will be much happier if you expect things not to go as planned. Things aren’t going to look like the fancy restaurant website. Sometimes food is not worth the cost. If it exceeds expectations, great. If not, that is life.

+1. Expectations are premeditated resentments. The evening could never match up to whatever you’ve expected it to be.

Go in with an open mind and no expectations. You’ll be surprised and possibly happy at whatever happens during the event.

DH and I would laugh over this and probably take a walk by the water after dinner.

[Anonymous]

This would have upset me too. But you can't let it ruin your night. You should have focused on what you really were there for, which is having a nice evening with you husband. Focus on the positives and just let the negatives go. That and a cocktail normally turns my night around when things go wrong!

[Anonymous]

I get it but on the other side. My SO is always planning things with high expectations. One one hand I appreciate it but on another I know there are always going to be mishaps/not go as planned especially when traveling, so I have to balance things out by being more chill or to temper his expectations from the outset.

That is likely what he was doing, but you may have seen it as not acknowledging your feelings. He likely just didn't want it to spiral.

But I know that as a mom to young kids you may feel you can control very few things in your life and you just wanted this one thing. I get it.

Low expectations really are the key to happiness.

[Anonymous]

This isnt high stakes. High stakes is when someone you love has cancer, als, parkinsons, or severe mental health challenges.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of the previous posters have good points, although some have been a bit harsh. I think some of the things you can do to help with a similar situation in the future are:

1) Try to lower your expectations. I understand the anticipation and excitement (we all look forward to these kinds of things), but it sounds like you had a lot emotionally invested in this experience that you were unable to pull back from when it didn't meet your expectations.
2) Try to make the best of things in the moment. This is what your husband was doing and your inability to do this made it a worse experience for both of you. If you can do this, I think you will find your husband will be more sympathetic after the fact about how the experience wasn't what you had both hoped for.
3) Have a contingency plan if possible. In this case, if you knew the experience wasn't going to satisfy you and feel like it was worth the high cost of the dinner, you could have just left the restaurant instead of accepting the substandard table. Similarly, if you've splurged on something that is weather dependent, try and make sure there are alternative options if the weather does not cooperate.

[Anonymous]

You need to learn to focus on the positives. A nice night out with your husband. Good food. Etc. Also when you feel yourself turning negative, ask yourself does it really matter? Does it really matter the table had a partial view? No. You're still going to enjoy a romantic night with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Straight talk isn’t “harsh” pp.

[Anonymous]

You're acting like a toddler and ruining experiences because you're so emotionally immature. Your husband has a lot of patience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not uncommon for the partner of a catastrophizer to pull in the opposite direction to seek balance.

He was trying to make the best of things. Try it sometime. All you did was guarantee it was going to be a miserable experience. Pouting is never a good look.

We don’t know the pattern here though.

If Mr Laid Back never lifts a finger to do anything or make things happen, guess who has to be more vigilant? The other partner.

If Mr Laid Back is clueless about what he’s missing out on, how would he ever get upset that he can see the beach and volcano? And instead had to look at a pillar?

He should however VALIDATE your feelings early on. Yes it sux to come all this way, plan ahead and get stuck in the corner, let’s ask again or tell them we’ll take only 1 hour at a better table or maybe the bar is a better atmosphere and view than this? Find and suggest actual SOLUTIONS. That’s helpful.

But his ignoring and not responding ESCALATES things, where Op then has to repeat herself seeking understanding or validation, several times, only to be met with the opposite: nonchalance and criticism.

If that’s your pattern Op do a few months together of couples counseling, with the goal of better communication, caring and validating if one another’s feelings.

Your feelings are valid Op. it’s ok to be pissed when you’re ripped off. He should agree, validate it, seek more solutions, the everyone moves on and makes peace with it.

The “oh well” attitude sounds like living in communism, where nothing you do matters so, Oh well.

[Anonymous]

OP, the partial view didn’t ruin your evening. You did. You said you weren’t outwardly mad, only quiet,but you were probably stewing and tense and not pleasant tone with. You need to change your attitude and learn to be resilient. I have a similar role as your husband’s in my own marriage dynamic and it can be exhausting. While he probably could’ve said that he understands your disappointment and hopes you can still enjoy the evening, he doesn’t need to be upset too or act like you’re in the same team. He has to work harder to compensate for your high expectations and disappointment. I also agree with the PPs who say you should lower your expectations and practice gratitude. And also if you don’t have a lot of money, don’t spend it on expensive things you can’t afford or will make you miserable if they aren’t perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would have upset me too. But you can't let it ruin your night. You should have focused on what you really were there for, which is having a nice evening with you husband. Focus on the positives and just let the negatives go. That and a cocktail normally turns my night around when things go wrong!

Did OPs spouse even vocalize that it sucks they got the worst table in the fancy restaurant with a view/ no view?
Or did he take the stoic, who cares response right out of the gate?
Is he usually this way or just with OP, and the other areas of life he’s all about finding a way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of the previous posters have good points, although some have been a bit harsh. I think some of the things you can do to help with a similar situation in the future are:

1) Try to lower your expectations. I understand the anticipation and excitement (we all look forward to these kinds of things), but it sounds like you had a lot emotionally invested in this experience that you were unable to pull back from when it didn't meet your expectations.
2) Try to make the best of things in the moment. This is what your husband was doing and your inability to do this made it a worse experience for both of you. If you can do this, I think you will find your husband will be more sympathetic after the fact about how the experience wasn't what you had both hoped for.
3) Have a contingency plan if possible. In this case, if you knew the experience wasn't going to satisfy you and feel like it was worth the high cost of the dinner, you could have just left the restaurant instead of accepting the substandard table. Similarly, if you've splurged on something that is weather dependent, try and make sure there are alternative options if the weather does not cooperate.

I would phrase this slightly differently. Rather than lowering your expectations, try to adjust your expectations to be more open-minded.

I try to go into experiences, especially ones like this with an expectation of enjoying myself without having specific measurements or readings to "tick off". As has been pointed out, if you go with the expectation that you'll enjoy an evening out with your spouse without having specific expectations of what will happen (table with a great view, great service) then you may be better able to appreciate things that do go right. I have often found that when I put specific expectations out, that I can then miss other things that turn out great. If you worry about the service being mediocre, then you may not notice that you had the best appetizer you've even eaten, even if it was expensive. Or you might miss that you discovered a new bottle of wine that you really enjoyed, but you were too upset about where you were seated.

We recently went on vacation and I was disappointed with the location, the people, the city we visited. But at least we had some fantastic attractions and I enjoyed a rare vacation with my family and we were able to do things together that we really enjoyed. If I had focused more on the unmet expectations, I may not have enjoyed the vacation nearly as much as I did. Instead I tried to focus on the things that did go right and were very enjoyable and we agreed that we had had an awesome vacation (despite the many disappointments along the way).

Change the perspective and find enjoyment where you can.

[Anonymous]

I would also add that if you’re going to get worked up over a dinner not meeting expectations, you’re spending too much money on it. Stick to a $100 place if you can’t handle a $300 dinner not going perfectly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not uncommon for the partner of a catastrophizer to pull in the opposite direction to seek balance.

He was trying to make the best of things. Try it sometime. All you did was guarantee it was going to be a miserable experience. Pouting is never a good look.

We don’t know the pattern here though.

If Mr Laid Back never lifts a finger to do anything or make things happen, guess who has to be more vigilant? The other partner.

If Mr Laid Back is clueless about what he’s missing out on, how would he ever get upset that he can see the beach and volcano? And instead had to look at a pillar?

He should however VALIDATE your feelings early on. Yes it sux to come all this way, plan ahead and get stuck in the corner, let’s ask again or tell them we’ll take only 1 hour at a better table or maybe the bar is a better atmosphere and view than this? Find and suggest actual SOLUTIONS. That’s helpful.

But his ignoring and not responding ESCALATES things, where Op then has to repeat herself seeking understanding or validation, several times, only to be met with the opposite: nonchalance and criticism.

If that’s your pattern Op do a few months together of couples counseling, with the goal of better communication, caring and validating if one another’s feelings.

Your feelings are valid Op. it’s ok to be pissed when you’re ripped off. He should agree, validate it, seek more solutions, the everyone moves on and makes peace with it.

The “oh well” attitude sounds like living in communism, where nothing you do matters so, Oh well.

Oh BS. “Wow I guess we didn’t book early enough. Let’s enjoy ourselves here anyway” is a valid solution. OP agreed to it, and then sat quietly with her lip poked out pouting and being fussy the whole time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not uncommon for the partner of a catastrophizer to pull in the opposite direction to seek balance.

He was trying to make the best of things. Try it sometime. All you did was guarantee it was going to be a miserable experience. Pouting is never a good look.

We don’t know the pattern here though.

If Mr Laid Back never lifts a finger to do anything or make things happen, guess who has to be more vigilant? The other partner.

If Mr Laid Back is clueless about what he’s missing out on, how would he ever get upset that he can see the beach and volcano? And instead had to look at a pillar?

He should however VALIDATE your feelings early on. Yes it sux to come all this way, plan ahead and get stuck in the corner, let’s ask again or tell them we’ll take only 1 hour at a better table or maybe the bar is a better atmosphere and view than this? Find and suggest actual SOLUTIONS. That’s helpful.

But his ignoring and not responding ESCALATES things, where Op then has to repeat herself seeking understanding or validation, several times, only to be met with the opposite: nonchalance and criticism.

If that’s your pattern Op do a few months together of couples counseling, with the goal of better communication, caring and validating if one another’s feelings.

Your feelings are valid Op. it’s ok to be pissed when you’re ripped off. He should agree, validate it, seek more solutions, the everyone moves on and makes peace with it.

The “oh well” attitude sounds like living in communism, where nothing you do matters so, Oh well.

Her feelings are not, in fact, valid.

Sorry about your shitty husband, pp, but don’t project your shit on to threads here. You start off by saying we don’t know their patterns and immediately convicted him of habitually behaving in some way you fantasize that he behaves.

Far more likely OP overreacts to things in general and he’s just over it. When that happens partners tend to swallow their exasperation and try to be even more even-keeled.