I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care

[Anonymous]

It sounds weird that OP is upset her husband was able to roll with the punches while she claims she is good at it. She wanted him to be pouty and mad too, because his mature response highlighted the problem with hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not uncommon for the partner of a catastrophizer to pull in the opposite direction to seek balance.

He was trying to make the best of things. Try it sometime. All you did was guarantee it was going to be a miserable experience. Pouting is never a good look.

We don’t know the pattern here though.

If Mr Laid Back never lifts a finger to do anything or make things happen, guess who has to be more vigilant? The other partner.

If Mr Laid Back is clueless about what he’s missing out on, how would he ever get upset that he can see the beach and volcano? And instead had to look at a pillar?

He should however VALIDATE your feelings early on. Yes it sux to come all this way, plan ahead and get stuck in the corner, let’s ask again or tell them we’ll take only 1 hour at a better table or maybe the bar is a better atmosphere and view than this? Find and suggest actual SOLUTIONS. That’s helpful.

But his ignoring and not responding ESCALATES things, where Op then has to repeat herself seeking understanding or validation, several times, only to be met with the opposite: nonchalance and criticism.

If that’s your pattern Op do a few months together of couples counseling, with the goal of better communication, caring and validating if one another’s feelings.

Your feelings are valid Op. it’s ok to be pissed when you’re ripped off. He should agree, validate it, seek more solutions, the everyone moves on and makes peace with it.

The “oh well” attitude sounds like living in communism, where nothing you do matters so, Oh well.

Her feelings are not, in fact, valid.

Sorry about your shitty husband, pp, but don’t project your shit on to threads here. You start off by saying we don’t know their patterns and immediately convicted him of habitually behaving in some way you fantasize that he behaves.

Far more likely OP overreacts to things in general and he’s just over it. When that happens partners tend to swallow their exasperation and try to be even more even-keeled.

Dude, go take a xanax. You are getting really worked up, relax PP. Someone said we don’t know if there’s a pattern, and we don’t. Calm down. Call off the attack dogs. Relax.

[Anonymous]

in addition to a gratitude practice, you really need to internalize the idea that you CANNOT CONTROL EVERYTHING.

learn to be very realistic about what you CAN control (making a reservation, booking a hotel, etc) and LETTING GO of what you cannot control. Truly, let go of it. The world is chaotic and there are so many actors acting at any given moment. your controlling outlook is only going to end in disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isnt high stakes. High stakes is when someone you love has cancer, als, parkinsons, or severe mental health challenges.

True. I was expecting something tragic due to nil reaction time from someone.

This was odd, but classic bad table at a good restaurant (I hope the food was good!). Usually doesn’t happen through, but early bird (or persistent one), gets the worm! Wait until teen sports team parental maneuvering kicks in!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:in addition to a gratitude practice, you really need to internalize the idea that you CANNOT CONTROL EVERYTHING.

learn to be very realistic about what you CAN control (making a reservation, booking a hotel, etc) and LETTING GO of what you cannot control. Truly, let go of it. The world is chaotic and there are so many actors acting at any given moment. your controlling outlook is only going to end in disappointment.

The people slipping the hostess a $20 or $50 for a nicer table certainly controlled the situation there!

[Anonymous]

Passive and reactive man
Blowing in the wind
Like an aimless balloon
Takes what he can get
Ignorance is bliss

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're on a vacation with young kids, and, for just one night, got a babysitter and a reservation at a fancy restaurant famous for its incredible views. The prices were a LOT for us ($45 for the typical app, $60 for the typical entree, I've never ever paid that much). But we decided to splurge for one night and enjoy the views.

When we got to the restaurant, we got seated in the back row with a partial view. We asked for a nicer table, and were told that we didn't book early enough. We booked almost a month in advance, and the website said nothing about some tables not getting the full view.

I understand that shit happens, and there's nothing to be done about it, and it would be unproductive to complain to the staff. But also, I was devastated. Without the view, it was just an overpriced restaurant. Plus our service was really mediocre. I quietly sat there feeling sad, doing my best to rally myself. I would have liked my husband to be annoyed or upset alongside me, so I could feel like we're on the same team.

However, my husband felt like it wasn't that big of a deal and why not just have a great time? He got really annoyed at me for being upset, even though I wasn't rude to him or anyone else, and just quietly tried to deal with my feelings. He said that seeing me upset annoyed him. He said he's tired of me chasing amazing experiences when we could just be happy with normal ones.

I understand things go wrong in life, especially when traveling. I have two young kids, so I have gotten pretty good at rolling with the punches. But when it comes to high-stakes things, and especially when it comes to bad service and people just being mean, I don't know how to just get over it.

I don't know how to not care that the one of the top things I was most looking forward to in the entire vacation, that we only get to do once a year, had gotten messed up. Yes, I wanted it to be amazing and romantic instead of sitting in the back watching 90% of the other couples enjoying the view while our waitress gave us the cold shoulder. I want to have an epic evening once in a while. I don't think it's shallow or wrong - I'm not posting on social media or even bragging to friends, this is something I want for myself.

My husband says if I'm not ready for things to go wrong, we shouldn't book anything super-nice or expensive at all. But that doesn't seem like a great solution either, because I would like to have occasional special experiences. How do I learn to be more like my husband?

Yup, sometimes you’re just the bottom 10%. Sorry Op.

[Anonymous]

I would have gotten up and left restaurant before ordering and posted a negative review on Yelp, etc.
I would have let the manager know I would be doing this before I left.

[Anonymous]

I do understand where you're coming from, and there's some good advice above. I'm sorry that it didn't go as planned. But in the moment, after a quick "wtf, I really wanted a good table" there's nothing to do but enjoy the night, and find a spot to enjoy the view for a few minutes after the meal. Find a way to turn it around, laugh at it, and don't let it ruin the fact that you have a babysitter and alone time and a peaceful evening.

I also want DH to be more outraged sometimes at things, and share in my WTF moment even just briefly, but he's just not. Even with legit big things (as opposed to a disappointing table).

It's definitely healthier for me to find ways to move on than for him to find a way to be outraged.

[Anonymous]

I also think your dh is right, it's best not to plan these "high stakes" sort of occasions, as they usually don't pan out the way you (or I) want.

At this point in life, I would rather go to a casual restaurant and play mini golf.or something than try to do an expensive "high stakes" place which is a reach for me.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he was just happy to be there with you? Which is more than most woman can say.

Booking a month ahead in a vacation town isn’t necessarily that far in advance. And table with a view should have been confirmed at time of booking and via email with management 2-5 days prior to reservation date if it was a make or break detail.

Expecting every seat in a restaurant to have a nice view is insane.

Expecting anything other than mediocre service in a vacation area is unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do understand where you're coming from, and there's some good advice above. I'm sorry that it didn't go as planned. But in the moment, after a quick "wtf, I really wanted a good table" there's nothing to do but enjoy the night, and find a spot to enjoy the view for a few minutes after the meal. Find a way to turn it around, laugh at it, and don't let it ruin the fact that you have a babysitter and alone time and a peaceful evening.

I also want DH to be more outraged sometimes at things, and share in my WTF moment even just briefly, but he's just not. Even with legit big things (as opposed to a disappointing table).

It's definitely healthier for me to find ways to move on than for him to find a way to be outraged.

This is right. OP, why do you want your husband to be dragged down? Maybe, instead, seek his help in reaching that chill place that can accept relatively minor disappointments with grace and perspective.

[Anonymous]

This is not high stakes, OP. High price tag, maybe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have gotten up and left restaurant before ordering and posted a negative review on Yelp, etc.
I would have let the manager know I would be doing this before I left.

+1
High end restaurants shouldn’t have a defect table. Even theaters charge less for that

[Anonymous]

My mom and sister are both like OP and I'm like Ops husband. Yes, in theory its good to validate OPs annoyance but I also get why DH didnt. It's exhausting dealing with people like my mom and sister and I really resent having to validate their negativity all the time. It isn't like they put in the effort to just roll with things.