Reply to I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op, your approach ... your intensity, you really should adjust your thinking[/quote]

OP here. I know I should, esp after reading all the feedback here. I just don't know how yet.

My husband and I were in line for a boat ride the other day, and I was like, "Wow, how are we so far behind in line, we got here 30 minutes early!"

And he was like, "I think we're pretty far ahead in line."

And we realized that he was looking at the 30-40 ppl behind us in line, and I was looking at the 30-40 people ahead of us. And I was like, wow, this is so emblematic of the difference between how we think.
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This is such a good example and shows strong self-awareness on your part.  I imagine that you are conscientious, and probably good at preparing in advance and avoiding mistakes others of us make.   I admire you for being open to dialogue about how you perceive experiences and react to "when things go wrong."   This openness might save you some heartache and this is why.

I am your husband in the above scenario and here is what potentially is in store for you over the years, absent a turnaround:  Your family won't *treasure* spending time with you.  Maybe they will spend time with you and glean some positive things, but your family/friends are hiding some of their true feelings.

My husband and I still do a lot together but he doesn't know that secretly I usually would prefer not to go places with him.  After many years, it is at a place that even if he doesn't end up making many negative comments (to him, he is just stating the facts of the situation), around him I am experiencing things "on eggshells" (I hope we don't run into traffic, I hope we can find a parking space, I hope there aren't 30-40 people in line in front of us etc. etc....) because I am worried about his reaction.  Even if his comments are slight -- he is not a yeller or anything like that -- his negative comments are cumulative and his attitude and "frowny face" reactions dampen the entire mood.   If I am by myself (or with one or more of my young adult kids), I don't worry about any of these things because we all expect imperfections and roll with it.  We can have a sense of humor.  So by myself I see the 30-40 people behind us but with him, I know I am going to see the 30-40 people ahead - it completely alters every experience.  He's not fully aware because in the moment I usually try to ignore it and not let it ruin my experience.  He is a loving father and I'm sure his sensitivities and tendency to hyper-focus has helped our family avoid experiencing certain negative things because he worries about things that we don't.  But he is truly saddened at the unspoken pulling away he sees from me - and his children.   I have tried to gently tell him why and he has tried a few things, but he seems to have concluded it is "just who he is."   He's overall a good person so we aren't really mad at him....I think we pity him.....

Despite his deep love for his family, there is one thing that I don't think my husband has been able to "hear" or understand.   His unspoken message to us at nearly every family restaurant dinner, family trip, etc., is that we are not good enough -- the enjoyment of spending time with us is not enough to override his funk from the fact that the view isn't as expected or that his entree was delivered late.
  
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This is a great perspective. My mom is a lot like OP and its exhausting.  Going places with her is stressful because there is always something negative for her to set in on.  [/quote]

Agreed.  OP, please read this carefully and try to take it to heart.  I am fortunate that my spouse is not like you, but I have several friends who I have had to slowly distance myself from because of your type of attitude.  You don't see it, but you cast a cloud over all types of events.  We have a rare chance to get together and rather than enjoy the experience, you have to pick out the small handful of things that annoy you.  The rest of us are trying to enjoy the first time we get out without kids in months and you are nitpicking about things not being perfect.

Like the PP said, it is exhausting and I have had to distance myself from friends I otherwise would enjoy being around.  With two jobs, a handicapped spouse, and kids, I don't have nearly enough time to get out and enjoy myself with friends and I find that I'm no longer willing to deal with the people who make an otherwise enjoyable step out turn sour, even mildly.

I have a hard enough time dealing with friends like that.  I can't imagine dealing with a spouse like that.   [/quote]

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