21 year old son, overnights with girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP you are leaving out a lot of details. Did he drop out of college? Why is he living with you?

I actually agree with you that I would not be loaning my car to my 21 YO son who has chosen to live at home (not working?) and whose priority is driving an hour to see his girlfriend.

Tell him to get his life back on track and then worry about the GF.

He did not drop out. He has just finished school. He is now back at home.

What does this mean? College? What college finished classes already?

Graduated college. Done school. Classes are done. He just finished exams Friday. Exams were done earlier than normal

No college in the US has finished classes.

We are in Canada but that doesn't matter. He finshed a bit early. Not sure why this is so surprising for people. Only 3 of his classes had exams and he got lucky to finish early.

You’re posting this on a DC forum and you live in Canada and cannot abide your 21 YO son sleeping over with his girlfriend. Lmao

Also no Canadian parent would be as overbearing as OP

Absolutely untrue. I grew up in a suburb of Toronto and the immigrant population skews parenting in a very conservative direction. Even if OP is non-immigrant and white these family standards would not be at all out of place. The kids are a different story (thankfully).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents never ever would have been cool with this. No. People are just becoming morally loose.

Religious fanatics or 19th century mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents never ever would have been cool with this. No. People are just becoming morally loose.

Religious fanatics or 19th century mom?

Neither

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are leaving out a lot of details. Did he drop out of college? Why is he living with you?

I actually agree with you that I would not be loaning my car to my 21 YO son who has chosen to live at home (not working?) and whose priority is driving an hour to see his girlfriend.

Tell him to get his life back on track and then worry about the GF.

He did not drop out. He has just finished school. He is now back at home.

What does this mean? College? What college finished classes already?

Graduated college. Done school. Classes are done. He just finished exams Friday. Exams were done earlier than normal

No college in the US has finished classes.

We are in Canada but that doesn't matter. He finshed a bit early. Not sure why this is so surprising for people. Only 3 of his classes had exams and he got lucky to finish early.

You’re posting this on a DC forum and you live in Canada and cannot abide your 21 YO son sleeping over with his girlfriend. Lmao

Also no Canadian parent would be as overbearing as OP

Absolutely untrue. I grew up in a suburb of Toronto and the immigrant population skews parenting in a very conservative direction. Even if OP is non-immigrant and white these family standards would not be at all out of place. The kids are a different story (thankfully).

Agree. Lots of eastern European people in Toronto are like this.

[Anonymous]

He’s over 18. A legal adult. Let him go.

[Anonymous]

I can't even read through this entire thread because I find it so ridiculous. OP is beyond the pale and 100% is damaging her relationship with her GROWN son. He's 21 for the love of GOD. He can vote, go to war, and drink, but you want to be the gatekeeper of his social/sex life?! At what point would this end? What if he's 31, or 41, and unmarried. Would you still try to keep him from sleeping over at a girlfriends house. OP sounds like an overbearing nightmare. 21 is NOT a child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 21 year old son met a girl at college in Feb. He sometimes sleeps over there at her place. I do not like this at all and we are butting heads. He has just come home from college and is furious we wont be allowing him to visit her overnight (1 hr away) while she is still at college.

Am I being unreasonable? He sometimes spends 36 hours straight with her.

OH. MY. GOD.
They could be having X you know!?

[Anonymous]

You can have a no sleepover rule at your house, but you will quickly destroy your relationship with your adult child if you try to police his relationships outside of your home. Make him pay for gas or contribute to the car payments/upkeep, but do it because he’s now a college grad and can start to pay his way, not because you want to control his movements. Plus, he could easily convince a friend to drive him or get his GF to come pick him up.

FWIW I am pretty against casual sex / having sex too soon in a relationship. But I know treating my adult kids like children (and making an arbitrary rule that doesn’t prevent them from actually having sex) is not smart if I want to stay close to them. You had your chance to instill your values in your kid— now let him be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Yes, you’re being unreasonable.

Really? Why?
I'm a little surprised.

Because he’s 21.
What are you worried about? Are they having sex? Why, yes; yes they are.
Can they have sex at any time during the day if they don’t spend the night? Yes they can.
Is he asking to do this in your house, where your rules apply? No he isn’t.
Stop trying to control him, you will just make him not want to visit, ever.

I know they are having sex. They can do that and he can go home.

You can’t force your son to live at your house. He’s 21.

I don't want to. He can follow my rules or leave.

My parents has this attitude. I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband). We didn't speak for 7 years. My brother and sister also went long periods of no contact with them.

We have a relationship now, but I can't see the pain in their eyes whenever stories of my 20s comes up and they remember that they missed all of it, all while trying to control me and keep me from the man who would become their son-in-law (who they now love).

My Dad eventually apologized, saying they had a really hard time letting go, and that as painful as it was, that I was right to draw a boundary and live my life on my own terms.

If you're not a troll, save yourself the heartache and lost years. Your son is an adult. Your time making his decisions is over. You can express your opinions, but attempts to control him will drive him away.

And while this girlfriend may or may not be the one, at some point, he will start dating his future spouse/life partner. Consider the relationship you want to have with that person, and understand that overstepping in their relationship early on could set the tone for a really uncomfortable relationship with the woman who will control your access to your grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

If he’s smart they will elope and you will never see your grandkids. What a nightmare mil you would be. Get some therapy please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 21 year old son met a girl at college in Feb. He sometimes sleeps over there at her place. I do not like this at all and we are butting heads. He has just come home from college and is furious we wont be allowing him to visit her overnight (1 hr away) while she is still at college.

Am I being unreasonable? He sometimes spends 36 hours straight with her.

He's an adult. You can disapprove all you want but, it is his life. Just tell him you aren't going to be babysitting the kid if she gets pregnant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 21 year old son met a girl at college in Feb. He sometimes sleeps over there at her place. I do not like this at all and we are butting heads. He has just come home from college and is furious we wont be allowing him to visit her overnight (1 hr away) while she is still at college.

Am I being unreasonable? He sometimes spends 36 hours straight with her.

Yes you're being unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 21 year old son met a girl at college in Feb. He sometimes sleeps over there at her place. I do not like this at all and we are butting heads. He has just come home from college and is furious we wont be allowing him to visit her overnight (1 hr away) while she is still at college.

Am I being unreasonable? He sometimes spends 36 hours straight with her.

36 hours? A day and a half? Are you joking? They eat breakfast like a normal couple. You’d rather they had sex and then he runs out while the pillow is warm? ‘Sorry my mom wants me to be home by curfew’ What is wrong with you? He’s an adult in a serious relationship. He’s spending time with his significant other not cunning or visiting strip clubs. If you feel threatened by that you need to get help. Also, what are you going to do wait up all night? Call the cops and report your car stolen? It’s kind of a miracle he’s has a girlfriend at all with a mom like you. You need to learn some boundaries or you will lose your don for good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you’re being unreasonable.

Really? Why?
I'm a little surprised.

Because he’s 21.
What are you worried about? Are they having sex? Why, yes; yes they are.
Can they have sex at any time during the day if they don’t spend the night? Yes they can.
Is he asking to do this in your house, where your rules apply? No he isn’t.
Stop trying to control him, you will just make him not want to visit, ever.

I know they are having sex. They can do that and he can go home.

You can’t force your son to live at your house. He’s 21.

I don't want to. He can follow my rules or leave.

My parents has this attitude. I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband). We didn't speak for 7 years. My brother and sister also went long periods of no contact with them.

We have a relationship now, but I can't see the pain in their eyes whenever stories of my 20s comes up and they remember that they missed all of it, all while trying to control me and keep me from the man who would become their son-in-law (who they now love).

My Dad eventually apologized, saying they had a really hard time letting go, and that as painful as it was, that I was right to draw a boundary and live my life on my own terms.

If you're not a troll, save yourself the heartache and lost years. Your son is an adult. Your time making his decisions is over. You can express your opinions, but attempts to control him will drive him away.

And while this girlfriend may or may not be the one, at some point, he will start dating his future spouse/life partner. Consider the relationship you want to have with that person, and understand that overstepping in their relationship early on could set the tone for a really uncomfortable relationship with the woman who will control your access to your grandchildren.

You sound selfish. You could have saved yourself and your parents a lot of heartache if you weren't thinking with your groin. You didn't need to live with your DH. Sounds like you chose sex over your parents. I would never.

[Anonymous]

God grief. Not everyone is this loose. I didn't sleep over with DH or go on trips with him before marriage. We didn't live together. Yes, we had sex. You don't need to sleep over to have a fulfilling relationship.

Married 25 years.