Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

It was afternoon. Per your agreement, it was you time to take over.

Did you not read directly before you bolded? It literally says her dh handles lunch and naptime and the op
Handles dinner time and bed.

This is exactly why rigid agreements don’t work. How do they handle days that are off-schedule, which are inevitable? Who gets the “extra work”? It’s healthy to be flexible in your time to account for life’s surprises, to speak to your spouse with respect, and to not hold salaries over anyone’s head. OP and her spouse sound like they’re harboring a whole lot of resentment and both would need to mage changes.

Why are people doing all these mental cartwheels to find edge case examples of why dedicated alone time can’t work?? There’s truly no evidence here that OP isn’t flexible *when necessary.*

You have had a 3 year old, yes? They are pretty unpredictable. I'm just not going to look at my kid and say it's not my shift to deal with her and see ya later. The dishes can always wait.

I’m the PP and I’m not OP. I have 3 kids including a 20 month old and I think you’re being intentionally stupid. OP and her husband should have no problem at all doing single parent shifts like this.

But they do have a problem. They sound like a shit team and don't work well together. If you actually have 3 kids you know how easy managing one is.

What I see is that it’s easy enough for OP to manage one but she wants some alone time, and it’s apparently impossible for her husband to match her. What am I missing?

Because humans are predictable machines that never get sick or have a hard day or need a hand? Why get married at all if it's everyone for themselves? On that particular morning she had her alone time. She just doesn't seem to like her husband all that much.

What’s so hard about having a free morning at your mom’s house?

What's so hard about just getting divorced? Then you can have 3-4 days a week of free time with no chance someone will shirt their duty. Seems like a much better deal for OP since she can't stand her husband anyway.

Man what is your point with this?? OP’s husband needs to fix his marriage to make it one less full of resentment and contempt. You bringing up divorce feels like some sort of blackmail. OP doesn’t deserve a fair marriage because the only alternative is divorce?? There is an obvious better alternative. The only problem is that her husband has to choose it.

This marriage is obviously doomed. Why bother?

It’s as doomed as he makes it. He can pull his head out of his rear at any time.

Have you had a lot of success telling people they need to change or else? Because that pretty much never works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to not have these spars in front of your daughter, you’re making her feel unwanted or like she’s a burden. That’s not okay

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

It was afternoon. Per your agreement, it was you time to take over.

Did you not read directly before you bolded? It literally says her dh handles lunch and naptime and the op
Handles dinner time and bed.

This is exactly why rigid agreements don’t work. How do they handle days that are off-schedule, which are inevitable? Who gets the “extra work”? It’s healthy to be flexible in your time to account for life’s surprises, to speak to your spouse with respect, and to not hold salaries over anyone’s head. OP and her spouse sound like they’re harboring a whole lot of resentment and both would need to mage changes.

Why are people doing all these mental cartwheels to find edge case examples of why dedicated alone time can’t work?? There’s truly no evidence here that OP isn’t flexible *when necessary.*

You have had a 3 year old, yes? They are pretty unpredictable. I'm just not going to look at my kid and say it's not my shift to deal with her and see ya later. The dishes can always wait.

I’m the PP and I’m not OP. I have 3 kids including a 20 month old and I think you’re being intentionally stupid. OP and her husband should have no problem at all doing single parent shifts like this.

But they do have a problem. They sound like a shit team and don't work well together. If you actually have 3 kids you know how easy managing one is.

What I see is that it’s easy enough for OP to manage one but she wants some alone time, and it’s apparently impossible for her husband to match her. What am I missing?

Because humans are predictable machines that never get sick or have a hard day or need a hand? Why get married at all if it's everyone for themselves? On that particular morning she had her alone time. She just doesn't seem to like her husband all that much.

What’s so hard about having a free morning at your mom’s house?

What's so hard about just getting divorced? Then you can have 3-4 days a week of free time with no chance someone will shirt their duty. Seems like a much better deal for OP since she can't stand her husband anyway.

Man what is your point with this?? OP’s husband needs to fix his marriage to make it one less full of resentment and contempt. You bringing up divorce feels like some sort of blackmail. OP doesn’t deserve a fair marriage because the only alternative is divorce?? There is an obvious better alternative. The only problem is that her husband has to choose it.

This marriage is obviously doomed. Why bother?

It’s as doomed as he makes it. He can pull his head out of his rear at any time.

Have you had a lot of success telling people they need to change or else? Because that pretty much never works.

I agree. And OP is obviously open to suggestions. What do you think would help someone see they’re taking advantage of their wife and not doing their fair share?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

It was afternoon. Per your agreement, it was you time to take over.

Did you not read directly before you bolded? It literally says her dh handles lunch and naptime and the op
Handles dinner time and bed.

This is exactly why rigid agreements don’t work. How do they handle days that are off-schedule, which are inevitable? Who gets the “extra work”? It’s healthy to be flexible in your time to account for life’s surprises, to speak to your spouse with respect, and to not hold salaries over anyone’s head. OP and her spouse sound like they’re harboring a whole lot of resentment and both would need to mage changes.

Why are people doing all these mental cartwheels to find edge case examples of why dedicated alone time can’t work?? There’s truly no evidence here that OP isn’t flexible *when necessary.*

You have had a 3 year old, yes? They are pretty unpredictable. I'm just not going to look at my kid and say it's not my shift to deal with her and see ya later. The dishes can always wait.

I’m the PP and I’m not OP. I have 3 kids including a 20 month old and I think you’re being intentionally stupid. OP and her husband should have no problem at all doing single parent shifts like this.

But they do have a problem. They sound like a shit team and don't work well together. If you actually have 3 kids you know how easy managing one is.

What I see is that it’s easy enough for OP to manage one but she wants some alone time, and it’s apparently impossible for her husband to match her. What am I missing?

Because humans are predictable machines that never get sick or have a hard day or need a hand? Why get married at all if it's everyone for themselves? On that particular morning she had her alone time. She just doesn't seem to like her husband all that much.

What’s so hard about having a free morning at your mom’s house?

What's so hard about just getting divorced? Then you can have 3-4 days a week of free time with no chance someone will shirt their duty. Seems like a much better deal for OP since she can't stand her husband anyway.

Man what is your point with this?? OP’s husband needs to fix his marriage to make it one less full of resentment and contempt. You bringing up divorce feels like some sort of blackmail. OP doesn’t deserve a fair marriage because the only alternative is divorce?? There is an obvious better alternative. The only problem is that her husband has to choose it.

This marriage is obviously doomed. Why bother?

It’s as doomed as he makes it. He can pull his head out of his rear at any time.

Have you had a lot of success telling people they need to change or else? Because that pretty much never works.

I agree. And OP is obviously open to suggestions. What do you think would help someone see they’re taking advantage of their wife and not doing their fair share?

Nothing. I think the writing is on the wall with this one and I pretty much never think that when I read about relationship issues. Some just can't be fixed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

It was afternoon. Per your agreement, it was you time to take over.

Did you not read directly before you bolded? It literally says her dh handles lunch and naptime and the op
Handles dinner time and bed.

This is exactly why rigid agreements don’t work. How do they handle days that are off-schedule, which are inevitable? Who gets the “extra work”? It’s healthy to be flexible in your time to account for life’s surprises, to speak to your spouse with respect, and to not hold salaries over anyone’s head. OP and her spouse sound like they’re harboring a whole lot of resentment and both would need to mage changes.

Why are people doing all these mental cartwheels to find edge case examples of why dedicated alone time can’t work?? There’s truly no evidence here that OP isn’t flexible *when necessary.*

You have had a 3 year old, yes? They are pretty unpredictable. I'm just not going to look at my kid and say it's not my shift to deal with her and see ya later. The dishes can always wait.

I’m the PP and I’m not OP. I have 3 kids including a 20 month old and I think you’re being intentionally stupid. OP and her husband should have no problem at all doing single parent shifts like this.

But they do have a problem. They sound like a shit team and don't work well together. If you actually have 3 kids you know how easy managing one is.

What I see is that it’s easy enough for OP to manage one but she wants some alone time, and it’s apparently impossible for her husband to match her. What am I missing?

Because humans are predictable machines that never get sick or have a hard day or need a hand? Why get married at all if it's everyone for themselves? On that particular morning she had her alone time. She just doesn't seem to like her husband all that much.

What’s so hard about having a free morning at your mom’s house?

What's so hard about just getting divorced? Then you can have 3-4 days a week of free time with no chance someone will shirt their duty. Seems like a much better deal for OP since she can't stand her husband anyway.

Man what is your point with this?? OP’s husband needs to fix his marriage to make it one less full of resentment and contempt. You bringing up divorce feels like some sort of blackmail. OP doesn’t deserve a fair marriage because the only alternative is divorce?? There is an obvious better alternative. The only problem is that her husband has to choose it.

This marriage is obviously doomed. Why bother?

It’s as doomed as he makes it. He can pull his head out of his rear at any time.

Have you had a lot of success telling people they need to change or else? Because that pretty much never works.

I agree. And OP is obviously open to suggestions. What do you think would help someone see they’re taking advantage of their wife and not doing their fair share?

Nothing. I think the writing is on the wall with this one and I pretty much never think that when I read about relationship issues. Some just can't be fixed.

Well my marriage came back from exactly OP’s situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

It was afternoon. Per your agreement, it was you time to take over.

Did you not read directly before you bolded? It literally says her dh handles lunch and naptime and the op
Handles dinner time and bed.

This is exactly why rigid agreements don’t work. How do they handle days that are off-schedule, which are inevitable? Who gets the “extra work”? It’s healthy to be flexible in your time to account for life’s surprises, to speak to your spouse with respect, and to not hold salaries over anyone’s head. OP and her spouse sound like they’re harboring a whole lot of resentment and both would need to mage changes.

Why are people doing all these mental cartwheels to find edge case examples of why dedicated alone time can’t work?? There’s truly no evidence here that OP isn’t flexible *when necessary.*

You have had a 3 year old, yes? They are pretty unpredictable. I'm just not going to look at my kid and say it's not my shift to deal with her and see ya later. The dishes can always wait.

I’m the PP and I’m not OP. I have 3 kids including a 20 month old and I think you’re being intentionally stupid. OP and her husband should have no problem at all doing single parent shifts like this.

But they do have a problem. They sound like a shit team and don't work well together. If you actually have 3 kids you know how easy managing one is.

What I see is that it’s easy enough for OP to manage one but she wants some alone time, and it’s apparently impossible for her husband to match her. What am I missing?

Because humans are predictable machines that never get sick or have a hard day or need a hand? Why get married at all if it's everyone for themselves? On that particular morning she had her alone time. She just doesn't seem to like her husband all that much.

What’s so hard about having a free morning at your mom’s house?

What's so hard about just getting divorced? Then you can have 3-4 days a week of free time with no chance someone will shirt their duty. Seems like a much better deal for OP since she can't stand her husband anyway.

Man what is your point with this?? OP’s husband needs to fix his marriage to make it one less full of resentment and contempt. You bringing up divorce feels like some sort of blackmail. OP doesn’t deserve a fair marriage because the only alternative is divorce?? There is an obvious better alternative. The only problem is that her husband has to choose it.

This marriage is obviously doomed. Why bother?

It’s as doomed as he makes it. He can pull his head out of his rear at any time.

Have you had a lot of success telling people they need to change or else? Because that pretty much never works.

I agree. And OP is obviously open to suggestions. What do you think would help someone see they’re taking advantage of their wife and not doing their fair share?

Nothing. I think the writing is on the wall with this one and I pretty much never think that when I read about relationship issues. Some just can't be fixed.

Well my marriage came back from exactly OP’s situation.

You too married a loser who makes less money, doesn't help around the house, has an unhealthy lifestyle, drinks too much, is lazy, and has bad sleeping habits? You must be so proud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

It was afternoon. Per your agreement, it was you time to take over.

Did you not read directly before you bolded? It literally says her dh handles lunch and naptime and the op
Handles dinner time and bed.

This is exactly why rigid agreements don’t work. How do they handle days that are off-schedule, which are inevitable? Who gets the “extra work”? It’s healthy to be flexible in your time to account for life’s surprises, to speak to your spouse with respect, and to not hold salaries over anyone’s head. OP and her spouse sound like they’re harboring a whole lot of resentment and both would need to mage changes.

Why are people doing all these mental cartwheels to find edge case examples of why dedicated alone time can’t work?? There’s truly no evidence here that OP isn’t flexible *when necessary.*

You have had a 3 year old, yes? They are pretty unpredictable. I'm just not going to look at my kid and say it's not my shift to deal with her and see ya later. The dishes can always wait.

I’m the PP and I’m not OP. I have 3 kids including a 20 month old and I think you’re being intentionally stupid. OP and her husband should have no problem at all doing single parent shifts like this.

But they do have a problem. They sound like a shit team and don't work well together. If you actually have 3 kids you know how easy managing one is.

What I see is that it’s easy enough for OP to manage one but she wants some alone time, and it’s apparently impossible for her husband to match her. What am I missing?

Because humans are predictable machines that never get sick or have a hard day or need a hand? Why get married at all if it's everyone for themselves? On that particular morning she had her alone time. She just doesn't seem to like her husband all that much.

What’s so hard about having a free morning at your mom’s house?

What's so hard about just getting divorced? Then you can have 3-4 days a week of free time with no chance someone will shirt their duty. Seems like a much better deal for OP since she can't stand her husband anyway.

Man what is your point with this?? OP’s husband needs to fix his marriage to make it one less full of resentment and contempt. You bringing up divorce feels like some sort of blackmail. OP doesn’t deserve a fair marriage because the only alternative is divorce?? There is an obvious better alternative. The only problem is that her husband has to choose it.

This marriage is obviously doomed. Why bother?

It’s as doomed as he makes it. He can pull his head out of his rear at any time.

Have you had a lot of success telling people they need to change or else? Because that pretty much never works.

I agree. And OP is obviously open to suggestions. What do you think would help someone see they’re taking advantage of their wife and not doing their fair share?

Nothing. I think the writing is on the wall with this one and I pretty much never think that when I read about relationship issues. Some just can't be fixed.

Well my marriage came back from exactly OP’s situation.

You too married a loser who makes less money, doesn't help around the house, has an unhealthy lifestyle, drinks too much, is lazy, and has bad sleeping habits? You must be so proud.

There was a time in our marriage where most of that list was spot on. People change. Life is long.

[Anonymous]

The women here agreeing with OP’s husband and acting as though OP is talking about this particular hour on this particular Saturday rather than all of the hours that preceded it are honestly worse than OP’s husband. At least you can understand OP’s husband.

These other women, though, what kind of moral superiority are they on about… geez, they’re the kind of people that hold all women back, the type that don’t understand why families should want maternity leave (can just hear them saying, “Well, I just loved being pregnant and having a newborn, why are you people acting as though you should be paid for that time as though it’s a burden”). Ya’ll are honestly terrible people or acting like you are just to f*** with my blood pressure.

Like the one PP, bragging about how her mom never had a moment to herself until her third kid went to kindergarten like.. that’s a good thing? WTH? What is wrong with you people, how do you not see what a problem that is?

[Anonymous]

OP, how is your sex life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how is your sex life?

I mean with DH.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

It was afternoon. Per your agreement, it was you time to take over.

Did you not read directly before you bolded? It literally says her dh handles lunch and naptime and the op
Handles dinner time and bed.

This is exactly why rigid agreements don’t work. How do they handle days that are off-schedule, which are inevitable? Who gets the “extra work”? It’s healthy to be flexible in your time to account for life’s surprises, to speak to your spouse with respect, and to not hold salaries over anyone’s head. OP and her spouse sound like they’re harboring a whole lot of resentment and both would need to mage changes.

Why are people doing all these mental cartwheels to find edge case examples of why dedicated alone time can’t work?? There’s truly no evidence here that OP isn’t flexible *when necessary.*

You have had a 3 year old, yes? They are pretty unpredictable. I'm just not going to look at my kid and say it's not my shift to deal with her and see ya later. The dishes can always wait.

I’m the PP and I’m not OP. I have 3 kids including a 20 month old and I think you’re being intentionally stupid. OP and her husband should have no problem at all doing single parent shifts like this.

But they do have a problem. They sound like a shit team and don't work well together. If you actually have 3 kids you know how easy managing one is.

What I see is that it’s easy enough for OP to manage one but she wants some alone time, and it’s apparently impossible for her husband to match her. What am I missing?

Because humans are predictable machines that never get sick or have a hard day or need a hand? Why get married at all if it's everyone for themselves? On that particular morning she had her alone time. She just doesn't seem to like her husband all that much.

What’s so hard about having a free morning at your mom’s house?

What's so hard about just getting divorced? Then you can have 3-4 days a week of free time with no chance someone will shirt their duty. Seems like a much better deal for OP since she can't stand her husband anyway.

Man what is your point with this?? OP’s husband needs to fix his marriage to make it one less full of resentment and contempt. You bringing up divorce feels like some sort of blackmail. OP doesn’t deserve a fair marriage because the only alternative is divorce?? There is an obvious better alternative. The only problem is that her husband has to choose it.

This marriage is obviously doomed. Why bother?

It’s as doomed as he makes it. He can pull his head out of his rear at any time.

Have you had a lot of success telling people they need to change or else? Because that pretty much never works.

I agree. And OP is obviously open to suggestions. What do you think would help someone see they’re taking advantage of their wife and not doing their fair share?

Nothing. I think the writing is on the wall with this one and I pretty much never think that when I read about relationship issues. Some just can't be fixed.

Well my marriage came back from exactly OP’s situation.

You too married a loser who makes less money, doesn't help around the house, has an unhealthy lifestyle, drinks too much, is lazy, and has bad sleeping habits? You must be so proud.

There was a time in our marriage where most of that list was spot on. People change. Life is long.

So you'll need to tell everyone specifically how you turned that zero into a hero. What was the come to Jesus moment?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

It was afternoon. Per your agreement, it was you time to take over.

Did you not read directly before you bolded? It literally says her dh handles lunch and naptime and the op
Handles dinner time and bed.

This is exactly why rigid agreements don’t work. How do they handle days that are off-schedule, which are inevitable? Who gets the “extra work”? It’s healthy to be flexible in your time to account for life’s surprises, to speak to your spouse with respect, and to not hold salaries over anyone’s head. OP and her spouse sound like they’re harboring a whole lot of resentment and both would need to mage changes.

Why are people doing all these mental cartwheels to find edge case examples of why dedicated alone time can’t work?? There’s truly no evidence here that OP isn’t flexible *when necessary.*

You have had a 3 year old, yes? They are pretty unpredictable. I'm just not going to look at my kid and say it's not my shift to deal with her and see ya later. The dishes can always wait.

I’m the PP and I’m not OP. I have 3 kids including a 20 month old and I think you’re being intentionally stupid. OP and her husband should have no problem at all doing single parent shifts like this.

But they do have a problem. They sound like a shit team and don't work well together. If you actually have 3 kids you know how easy managing one is.

What I see is that it’s easy enough for OP to manage one but she wants some alone time, and it’s apparently impossible for her husband to match her. What am I missing?

Because humans are predictable machines that never get sick or have a hard day or need a hand? Why get married at all if it's everyone for themselves? On that particular morning she had her alone time. She just doesn't seem to like her husband all that much.

What’s so hard about having a free morning at your mom’s house?

What's so hard about just getting divorced? Then you can have 3-4 days a week of free time with no chance someone will shirt their duty. Seems like a much better deal for OP since she can't stand her husband anyway.

Man what is your point with this?? OP’s husband needs to fix his marriage to make it one less full of resentment and contempt. You bringing up divorce feels like some sort of blackmail. OP doesn’t deserve a fair marriage because the only alternative is divorce?? There is an obvious better alternative. The only problem is that her husband has to choose it.

This marriage is obviously doomed. Why bother?

It’s as doomed as he makes it. He can pull his head out of his rear at any time.

Have you had a lot of success telling people they need to change or else? Because that pretty much never works.

I agree. And OP is obviously open to suggestions. What do you think would help someone see they’re taking advantage of their wife and not doing their fair share?

Nothing. I think the writing is on the wall with this one and I pretty much never think that when I read about relationship issues. Some just can't be fixed.

I disagree; I think there’s still hope that OP’s husband can learn not to be a jackass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I feel sad for your daughter.

+1

Where is the love as a family unit? They are functioning as if she's a chore. I am all for self care and personal time, but no need to be so rigid.

This. It’s sad.

I understand this fight. I’ve had it a million times. All the shocked, naive parents on here somehow can’t imagine that adults might need a few hours on a Saturday of their own time are weird.

The minutia of time splitting with the OP’s arrangement can get blurred I see. It happens to us all. Try to not to yell in front of your kid, but I totally get you. I actually empathize with both parties. I mean the completely equitable split of chores between you and your husband might fluctuate as to who has done more one week vs another and so he may feel like he’s owned the lunch you cook and blah blah. Shts hard having kids. They are exhausting. Good luck. To all the virtuous parents on here lecturing. Shut up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to not have these spars in front of your daughter, you’re making her feel unwanted or like she’s a burden. That’s not okay

This.

No.

(I'm a NP.)

This is how my husband controlled me. I didn't want my child to feel unwanted or witness tension between us, so I acceded almost every time. And he pushed it every time, because he knew (honestly, unconsciously, not with intentional manipulation) he could get away with it. He'd also guilt me when I did start to push back or hold a boundary, making me feel like a bad mom. We're separated because this was a consistent thread, not only through parenting, but everything. He fundamentally lacks respect for me. He's trying now, sincerely (!!), but he keeps effing up.

For example, today I get to the house for my part of the week, as we switch off with the kid. It's 8:45 and he's just started doing a project with her that literally can't be stopped without potentially disastrous-- or at least really crummy-- results. I guess he promised to do it yesterday, they didn't get it, and he has no boundaries with her or for himself. HE JUST GOT DONE SHARING HIS EPIPHANY WITH ME THAT HE HAS NOT BEEN FULLY-COMMITTED TO ME and that he disrespects women because he and his siblings were encouraged to disrespect his mother. Every day he sends me loving texts. Sincere! Just not capable.

It's 12:20 and they are not quite done. And he knows how long this kind of project takes-- he's done it w/her before. Because he's at least been humbled recently, he realized when I got here how badly he messed up-- apologized because he's taking half my day w/her and limiting our options for activities we'd planned. I did express how I felt but kept the outright hostility to a minimum. But believe me, next time, I will be interrupting things like this with no regard for how interruption will ruin the entire project (it's my kid's hair, so... consequences). I mean, I'll do it in the nicest possible way, but the kid can't see me continually disrespected like this-- it only tells her that whatever she wants, and whatever my husband wants, takes precedence over my needs. That if he or she runs out of time during their time, they can't use mine-- and especially without asking or even informing me! (He didn't even TELL ME, let alone ask me, this project might be happening-- not this morning or last night.) BTW, though she did want this done, she's not entirely happy because she CAN see I've been disrespected. So now she's also annoyed at her father, which is maybe what he was trying to avoid (indulgent, people-pleaser). But it's not her job to manage this. It's not her job to remember that this is a 4-hour project, etc. An ES kid shouldn't have to have the time management skills of a 50-something adult.

Of course, OP, you should and don't need to have a nasty showdown. But yes, you (as cheerfully as possible) hold your ground in non-emergent, non-rare situations like this. He can't have your resources and your energy when you're using them.

And your child will see that you maintain boundaries and respect yourself. You can give her a big hug and a bunch of kisses, but you don't let Mom Guilt keep you from maintaining perfectly reasonable, REPEATEDLY DISRESPECTED boundaries.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

It was afternoon. Per your agreement, it was you time to take over.

Did you not read directly before you bolded? It literally says her dh handles lunch and naptime and the op
Handles dinner time and bed.

This is exactly why rigid agreements don’t work. How do they handle days that are off-schedule, which are inevitable? Who gets the “extra work”? It’s healthy to be flexible in your time to account for life’s surprises, to speak to your spouse with respect, and to not hold salaries over anyone’s head. OP and her spouse sound like they’re harboring a whole lot of resentment and both would need to mage changes.

Why are people doing all these mental cartwheels to find edge case examples of why dedicated alone time can’t work?? There’s truly no evidence here that OP isn’t flexible *when necessary.*

You have had a 3 year old, yes? They are pretty unpredictable. I'm just not going to look at my kid and say it's not my shift to deal with her and see ya later. The dishes can always wait.

I’m the PP and I’m not OP. I have 3 kids including a 20 month old and I think you’re being intentionally stupid. OP and her husband should have no problem at all doing single parent shifts like this.

But they do have a problem. They sound like a shit team and don't work well together. If you actually have 3 kids you know how easy managing one is.

What I see is that it’s easy enough for OP to manage one but she wants some alone time, and it’s apparently impossible for her husband to match her. What am I missing?

Because humans are predictable machines that never get sick or have a hard day or need a hand? Why get married at all if it's everyone for themselves? On that particular morning she had her alone time. She just doesn't seem to like her husband all that much.

What’s so hard about having a free morning at your mom’s house?

What's so hard about just getting divorced? Then you can have 3-4 days a week of free time with no chance someone will shirt their duty. Seems like a much better deal for OP since she can't stand her husband anyway.

Man what is your point with this?? OP’s husband needs to fix his marriage to make it one less full of resentment and contempt. You bringing up divorce feels like some sort of blackmail. OP doesn’t deserve a fair marriage because the only alternative is divorce?? There is an obvious better alternative. The only problem is that her husband has to choose it.

This marriage is obviously doomed. Why bother?

It’s as doomed as he makes it. He can pull his head out of his rear at any time.

Have you had a lot of success telling people they need to change or else? Because that pretty much never works.

I agree. And OP is obviously open to suggestions. What do you think would help someone see they’re taking advantage of their wife and not doing their fair share?

Nothing. I think the writing is on the wall with this one and I pretty much never think that when I read about relationship issues. Some just can't be fixed.

Well my marriage came back from exactly OP’s situation.

Op here. Can you share what steps you took and actionable changes both of you made?
What’s also somewhat laughable here is that dh has angrily said to me a few times that he feels I make unilateral decisions re DD. He feels cut out as if I parent alone.

SO STEP THE F UP.
When it’s your time solo, OWN IT. Do the things.
It increasingly appears that he wants a say, but doesn’t actually want to do the hard work. It’s starting to feel controlling, and again, like he’s compensating for the money thing.