Reply to Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You need to not have these spars in front of your daughter, you’re making her feel unwanted or like she’s a burden. That’s not okay [/quote]

This.[/quote]

No.

(I'm a NP.)

This is how my husband controlled me. I didn't want my child to feel unwanted or witness tension between us, so I acceded almost every time. And he pushed it every time, because he knew (honestly, unconsciously, not with intentional manipulation) he could get away with it. He'd also guilt me when I did start to push back or hold a boundary, making me feel like a bad mom. We're separated because this was a consistent thread, not only through parenting, but everything. He fundamentally lacks respect for me. He's trying now, sincerely (!!), but he keeps effing up.

For example, today I get to the house for my part of the week, as we switch off with the kid. It's 8:45 and he's just started doing a project with her that literally can't be stopped without potentially disastrous-- or at least really crummy-- results. I guess he promised to do it yesterday, they didn't get it, and he has no boundaries with her or for himself. HE JUST GOT DONE SHARING HIS EPIPHANY WITH ME THAT HE HAS NOT BEEN FULLY-COMMITTED TO ME and that he disrespects women because he and his siblings were encouraged to disrespect his mother. Every day he sends me loving texts. Sincere! Just not capable.

It's 12:20 and they are not quite done. And he knows how long this kind of project takes-- he's done it w/her before. Because he's at least been humbled recently, he realized when I got here how badly he messed up-- apologized because he's taking half my day w/her and limiting our options for activities we'd planned. I did express how I felt but kept the outright hostility to a minimum. But believe me, next time, I will be interrupting things like this with no regard for how interruption will ruin the entire project (it's my kid's hair, so... consequences). I mean, I'll do it in the nicest possible way, but the kid can't see me continually disrespected like this-- it only tells her that whatever she wants, and whatever my husband wants, takes precedence over my needs. That if he or she runs out of time during their time, they can't use mine-- and especially without asking or even informing me! (He didn't even TELL ME, let alone ask me, this project might be happening-- not this morning or last night.) BTW, though she did want this done, she's not entirely happy because she CAN see I've been disrespected. So now she's also annoyed at her father, which is maybe what he was trying to avoid (indulgent, people-pleaser). But it's not her job to manage this. It's not her job to remember that this is a 4-hour project, etc. An ES kid shouldn't have to have the time management skills of a 50-something adult.

Of course, OP, you should and don't need to have a nasty showdown. But yes, you (as cheerfully as possible) hold your ground in non-emergent, non-rare situations like this. He can't have your resources and your energy when you're using them.

And your child will see that you maintain boundaries and respect yourself. You can give her a big hug and a bunch of kisses, but you don't let Mom Guilt keep you from maintaining perfectly reasonable, REPEATEDLY DISRESPECTED boundaries. [/quote]

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