Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

It was afternoon. Per your agreement, it was you time to take over.

Did you not read directly before you bolded? It literally says her dh handles lunch and naptime and the op
Handles dinner time and bed.

This is exactly why rigid agreements don’t work. How do they handle days that are off-schedule, which are inevitable? Who gets the “extra work”? It’s healthy to be flexible in your time to account for life’s surprises, to speak to your spouse with respect, and to not hold salaries over anyone’s head. OP and her spouse sound like they’re harboring a whole lot of resentment and both would need to mage changes.

Why are people doing all these mental cartwheels to find edge case examples of why dedicated alone time can’t work?? There’s truly no evidence here that OP isn’t flexible *when necessary.*

You have had a 3 year old, yes? They are pretty unpredictable. I'm just not going to look at my kid and say it's not my shift to deal with her and see ya later. The dishes can always wait.

I’m the PP and I’m not OP. I have 3 kids including a 20 month old and I think you’re being intentionally stupid. OP and her husband should have no problem at all doing single parent shifts like this.

But they do have a problem. They sound like a shit team and don't work well together. If you actually have 3 kids you know how easy managing one is.

What I see is that it’s easy enough for OP to manage one but she wants some alone time, and it’s apparently impossible for her husband to match her. What am I missing?

Because humans are predictable machines that never get sick or have a hard day or need a hand? Why get married at all if it's everyone for themselves? On that particular morning she had her alone time. She just doesn't seem to like her husband all that much.

What’s so hard about having a free morning at your mom’s house?

What's so hard about just getting divorced? Then you can have 3-4 days a week of free time with no chance someone will shirt their duty. Seems like a much better deal for OP since she can't stand her husband anyway.

Man what is your point with this?? OP’s husband needs to fix his marriage to make it one less full of resentment and contempt. You bringing up divorce feels like some sort of blackmail. OP doesn’t deserve a fair marriage because the only alternative is divorce?? There is an obvious better alternative. The only problem is that her husband has to choose it.

This marriage is obviously doomed. Why bother?

It’s as doomed as he makes it. He can pull his head out of his rear at any time.

Have you had a lot of success telling people they need to change or else? Because that pretty much never works.

I agree. And OP is obviously open to suggestions. What do you think would help someone see they’re taking advantage of their wife and not doing their fair share?

Nothing. I think the writing is on the wall with this one and I pretty much never think that when I read about relationship issues. Some just can't be fixed.

Well my marriage came back from exactly OP’s situation.

Op here. Can you share what steps you took and actionable changes both of you made?
What’s also somewhat laughable here is that dh has angrily said to me a few times that he feels I make unilateral decisions re DD. He feels cut out as if I parent alone.

SO STEP THE F UP.
When it’s your time solo, OWN IT. Do the things.
It increasingly appears that he wants a say, but doesn’t actually want to do the hard work. It’s starting to feel controlling, and again, like he’s compensating for the money thing.

I posted before about all the commonalities.

One thing that helped a little was giving him whole domains, like beginning to end laundry. Collect, wash, dry, fold, sort, manage sizes. He didn’t do it well, and kind of maddeningly increased the outsourcing for it by getting a laundry service, but it reduced the conflict. But like I also said before, if it doesn’t connect to profit, pleasure, or prestige, he’ll likely keep dropping the ball. So it helps to pick things that are an actual priority for him too, especially if they relate to his own sense of pleasure or prestige, like the Christmas cards seemed to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

It was afternoon. Per your agreement, it was you time to take over.

Did you not read directly before you bolded? It literally says her dh handles lunch and naptime and the op
Handles dinner time and bed.

This is exactly why rigid agreements don’t work. How do they handle days that are off-schedule, which are inevitable? Who gets the “extra work”? It’s healthy to be flexible in your time to account for life’s surprises, to speak to your spouse with respect, and to not hold salaries over anyone’s head. OP and her spouse sound like they’re harboring a whole lot of resentment and both would need to mage changes.

Why are people doing all these mental cartwheels to find edge case examples of why dedicated alone time can’t work?? There’s truly no evidence here that OP isn’t flexible *when necessary.*

You have had a 3 year old, yes? They are pretty unpredictable. I'm just not going to look at my kid and say it's not my shift to deal with her and see ya later. The dishes can always wait.

I’m the PP and I’m not OP. I have 3 kids including a 20 month old and I think you’re being intentionally stupid. OP and her husband should have no problem at all doing single parent shifts like this.

But they do have a problem. They sound like a shit team and don't work well together. If you actually have 3 kids you know how easy managing one is.

What I see is that it’s easy enough for OP to manage one but she wants some alone time, and it’s apparently impossible for her husband to match her. What am I missing?

Because humans are predictable machines that never get sick or have a hard day or need a hand? Why get married at all if it's everyone for themselves? On that particular morning she had her alone time. She just doesn't seem to like her husband all that much.

What’s so hard about having a free morning at your mom’s house?

What's so hard about just getting divorced? Then you can have 3-4 days a week of free time with no chance someone will shirt their duty. Seems like a much better deal for OP since she can't stand her husband anyway.

Man what is your point with this?? OP’s husband needs to fix his marriage to make it one less full of resentment and contempt. You bringing up divorce feels like some sort of blackmail. OP doesn’t deserve a fair marriage because the only alternative is divorce?? There is an obvious better alternative. The only problem is that her husband has to choose it.

This marriage is obviously doomed. Why bother?

It’s as doomed as he makes it. He can pull his head out of his rear at any time.

Have you had a lot of success telling people they need to change or else? Because that pretty much never works.

I agree. And OP is obviously open to suggestions. What do you think would help someone see they’re taking advantage of their wife and not doing their fair share?

Nothing. I think the writing is on the wall with this one and I pretty much never think that when I read about relationship issues. Some just can't be fixed.

Well my marriage came back from exactly OP’s situation.

Op here. Can you share what steps you took and actionable changes both of you made?
What’s also somewhat laughable here is that dh has angrily said to me a few times that he feels I make unilateral decisions re DD. He feels cut out as if I parent alone.

SO STEP THE F UP.
When it’s your time solo, OWN IT. Do the things.
It increasingly appears that he wants a say, but doesn’t actually want to do the hard work. It’s starting to feel controlling, and again, like he’s compensating for the money thing.

I posted before about all the commonalities.

One thing that helped a little was giving him whole domains, like beginning to end laundry. Collect, wash, dry, fold, sort, manage sizes. He didn’t do it well, and kind of maddeningly increased the outsourcing for it by getting a laundry service, but it reduced the conflict. But like I also said before, if it doesn’t connect to profit, pleasure, or prestige, he’ll likely keep dropping the ball. So it helps to pick things that are an actual priority for him too, especially if they relate to his own sense of pleasure or prestige, like the Christmas cards seemed to.

You're going to have to help connect the dots here. He failed at his assigned domain, laundry, then reduced conflict by simply outsourcing it. Then he cherry picks his chores that align with the 3 Ps: profit, pleasure, and prestige, then ......... happy marriage? Something doesn't add up. Nobody likes to take the trash out, and it doesn't connect to he 3 Ps but, the trash needs to go out. OP should do all the dirty work and the lower earning spouse should outsource the icky work? Huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

It was afternoon. Per your agreement, it was you time to take over.

Did you not read directly before you bolded? It literally says her dh handles lunch and naptime and the op
Handles dinner time and bed.

This is exactly why rigid agreements don’t work. How do they handle days that are off-schedule, which are inevitable? Who gets the “extra work”? It’s healthy to be flexible in your time to account for life’s surprises, to speak to your spouse with respect, and to not hold salaries over anyone’s head. OP and her spouse sound like they’re harboring a whole lot of resentment and both would need to mage changes.

Why are people doing all these mental cartwheels to find edge case examples of why dedicated alone time can’t work?? There’s truly no evidence here that OP isn’t flexible *when necessary.*

You have had a 3 year old, yes? They are pretty unpredictable. I'm just not going to look at my kid and say it's not my shift to deal with her and see ya later. The dishes can always wait.

I’m the PP and I’m not OP. I have 3 kids including a 20 month old and I think you’re being intentionally stupid. OP and her husband should have no problem at all doing single parent shifts like this.

But they do have a problem. They sound like a shit team and don't work well together. If you actually have 3 kids you know how easy managing one is.

What I see is that it’s easy enough for OP to manage one but she wants some alone time, and it’s apparently impossible for her husband to match her. What am I missing?

Because humans are predictable machines that never get sick or have a hard day or need a hand? Why get married at all if it's everyone for themselves? On that particular morning she had her alone time. She just doesn't seem to like her husband all that much.

What’s so hard about having a free morning at your mom’s house?

What's so hard about just getting divorced? Then you can have 3-4 days a week of free time with no chance someone will shirt their duty. Seems like a much better deal for OP since she can't stand her husband anyway.

Man what is your point with this?? OP’s husband needs to fix his marriage to make it one less full of resentment and contempt. You bringing up divorce feels like some sort of blackmail. OP doesn’t deserve a fair marriage because the only alternative is divorce?? There is an obvious better alternative. The only problem is that her husband has to choose it.

This marriage is obviously doomed. Why bother?

It’s as doomed as he makes it. He can pull his head out of his rear at any time.

Have you had a lot of success telling people they need to change or else? Because that pretty much never works.

I agree. And OP is obviously open to suggestions. What do you think would help someone see they’re taking advantage of their wife and not doing their fair share?

Nothing. I think the writing is on the wall with this one and I pretty much never think that when I read about relationship issues. Some just can't be fixed.

Well my marriage came back from exactly OP’s situation.

Op here. Can you share what steps you took and actionable changes both of you made?
What’s also somewhat laughable here is that dh has angrily said to me a few times that he feels I make unilateral decisions re DD. He feels cut out as if I parent alone.

SO STEP THE F UP.
When it’s your time solo, OWN IT. Do the things.
It increasingly appears that he wants a say, but doesn’t actually want to do the hard work. It’s starting to feel controlling, and again, like he’s compensating for the money thing.

I posted before about all the commonalities.

One thing that helped a little was giving him whole domains, like beginning to end laundry. Collect, wash, dry, fold, sort, manage sizes. He didn’t do it well, and kind of maddeningly increased the outsourcing for it by getting a laundry service, but it reduced the conflict. But like I also said before, if it doesn’t connect to profit, pleasure, or prestige, he’ll likely keep dropping the ball. So it helps to pick things that are an actual priority for him too, especially if they relate to his own sense of pleasure or prestige, like the Christmas cards seemed to.

We actually end up getting into small disagreements every yr about the Xmas cards. Bc it’s “my domain” but he insists on being hyper involved. Vetoes pics, doesn’t like the layout, doesn’t like the font etc.

I asked him if he wanted to take over next year. He said no way.
But he wants to reap the benefit from it while micromanaging and doing very little of the actual work. That sums up a lot.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t about OP’s DH not doing his fair share of chores around the house. It’s about OP actively not wanting to be with her child for a rigidly prescribed period of time. Why is giving your child lunch and putting her down for a nap such a burden? Especially after you’ve literally had hours of alone time. OP you are high maintenance and need to suck it up a little. Your husband does too if he’s so exhausted after being with a three year old for a few hours. Truly sad that you both dislike being parents so much you are fighting over a tiny scrap of “alone” time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

It was afternoon. Per your agreement, it was you time to take over.

Did you not read directly before you bolded? It literally says her dh handles lunch and naptime and the op
Handles dinner time and bed.

This is exactly why rigid agreements don’t work. How do they handle days that are off-schedule, which are inevitable? Who gets the “extra work”? It’s healthy to be flexible in your time to account for life’s surprises, to speak to your spouse with respect, and to not hold salaries over anyone’s head. OP and her spouse sound like they’re harboring a whole lot of resentment and both would need to mage changes.

Why are people doing all these mental cartwheels to find edge case examples of why dedicated alone time can’t work?? There’s truly no evidence here that OP isn’t flexible *when necessary.*

You have had a 3 year old, yes? They are pretty unpredictable. I'm just not going to look at my kid and say it's not my shift to deal with her and see ya later. The dishes can always wait.

I’m the PP and I’m not OP. I have 3 kids including a 20 month old and I think you’re being intentionally stupid. OP and her husband should have no problem at all doing single parent shifts like this.

But they do have a problem. They sound like a shit team and don't work well together. If you actually have 3 kids you know how easy managing one is.

What I see is that it’s easy enough for OP to manage one but she wants some alone time, and it’s apparently impossible for her husband to match her. What am I missing?

Because humans are predictable machines that never get sick or have a hard day or need a hand? Why get married at all if it's everyone for themselves? On that particular morning she had her alone time. She just doesn't seem to like her husband all that much.

What’s so hard about having a free morning at your mom’s house?

What's so hard about just getting divorced? Then you can have 3-4 days a week of free time with no chance someone will shirt their duty. Seems like a much better deal for OP since she can't stand her husband anyway.

Man what is your point with this?? OP’s husband needs to fix his marriage to make it one less full of resentment and contempt. You bringing up divorce feels like some sort of blackmail. OP doesn’t deserve a fair marriage because the only alternative is divorce?? There is an obvious better alternative. The only problem is that her husband has to choose it.

This marriage is obviously doomed. Why bother?

It’s as doomed as he makes it. He can pull his head out of his rear at any time.

Have you had a lot of success telling people they need to change or else? Because that pretty much never works.

I agree. And OP is obviously open to suggestions. What do you think would help someone see they’re taking advantage of their wife and not doing their fair share?

Nothing. I think the writing is on the wall with this one and I pretty much never think that when I read about relationship issues. Some just can't be fixed.

Well my marriage came back from exactly OP’s situation.

Op here. Can you share what steps you took and actionable changes both of you made?
What’s also somewhat laughable here is that dh has angrily said to me a few times that he feels I make unilateral decisions re DD. He feels cut out as if I parent alone.

SO STEP THE F UP.
When it’s your time solo, OWN IT. Do the things.
It increasingly appears that he wants a say, but doesn’t actually want to do the hard work. It’s starting to feel controlling, and again, like he’s compensating for the money thing.

I posted before about all the commonalities.

One thing that helped a little was giving him whole domains, like beginning to end laundry. Collect, wash, dry, fold, sort, manage sizes. He didn’t do it well, and kind of maddeningly increased the outsourcing for it by getting a laundry service, but it reduced the conflict. But like I also said before, if it doesn’t connect to profit, pleasure, or prestige, he’ll likely keep dropping the ball. So it helps to pick things that are an actual priority for him too, especially if they relate to his own sense of pleasure or prestige, like the Christmas cards seemed to.

We actually end up getting into small disagreements every yr about the Xmas cards. Bc it’s “my domain” but he insists on being hyper involved. Vetoes pics, doesn’t like the layout, doesn’t like the font etc.

I asked him if he wanted to take over next year. He said no way.
But he wants to reap the benefit from it while micromanaging and doing very little of the actual work. That sums up a lot.

I think you should revisit this. Tell him you’re going to drop it if he doesn’t take it over, and then really do drop it. Do this with whatever you can that he does seem to be invested in. I agree that this might fit well with a “Fair Play” cards sit-down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The toddler years are super hard, and my DH and I were like this a lot. Lot of resentment and “bean counting” because it is exhausting. Our youngest is 5 and things are so much better now.

+100 this sounds like how I felt during the early toddler years. It gets starkly better around 3 1/2 in my experience, OP. Try not to see your DH as the enemy or the competition. Use some $$ for a sitter so you BOTH have kid-free time. And ignore the posters who are snarking at you for not wanting to be around your kid, etc. they clearly do not agree that the toddler years are brutal and it's ok to disagree. We are not meant to live like this in isolated cities away from extended family, so you need to try to replicate some of that dynamic -- make mom friends with similar aged kids so you can sit on a bench while they play together and have a conversation; find babysitters to give you a break...etc....etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t about OP’s DH not doing his fair share of chores around the house. It’s about OP actively not wanting to be with her child for a rigidly prescribed period of time. Why is giving your child lunch and putting her down for a nap such a burden? Especially after you’ve literally had hours of alone time. OP you are high maintenance and need to suck it up a little. Your husband does too if he’s so exhausted after being with a three year old for a few hours. Truly sad that you both dislike being parents so much you are fighting over a tiny scrap of “alone” time.

This post is internally inconsistent. They don’t both need to “suck it up” if one of them is doing what they agreed to and the other isn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

It was afternoon. Per your agreement, it was you time to take over.

Did you not read directly before you bolded? It literally says her dh handles lunch and naptime and the op
Handles dinner time and bed.

This is exactly why rigid agreements don’t work. How do they handle days that are off-schedule, which are inevitable? Who gets the “extra work”? It’s healthy to be flexible in your time to account for life’s surprises, to speak to your spouse with respect, and to not hold salaries over anyone’s head. OP and her spouse sound like they’re harboring a whole lot of resentment and both would need to mage changes.

Why are people doing all these mental cartwheels to find edge case examples of why dedicated alone time can’t work?? There’s truly no evidence here that OP isn’t flexible *when necessary.*

You have had a 3 year old, yes? They are pretty unpredictable. I'm just not going to look at my kid and say it's not my shift to deal with her and see ya later. The dishes can always wait.

I’m the PP and I’m not OP. I have 3 kids including a 20 month old and I think you’re being intentionally stupid. OP and her husband should have no problem at all doing single parent shifts like this.

But they do have a problem. They sound like a shit team and don't work well together. If you actually have 3 kids you know how easy managing one is.

What I see is that it’s easy enough for OP to manage one but she wants some alone time, and it’s apparently impossible for her husband to match her. What am I missing?

Because humans are predictable machines that never get sick or have a hard day or need a hand? Why get married at all if it's everyone for themselves? On that particular morning she had her alone time. She just doesn't seem to like her husband all that much.

What’s so hard about having a free morning at your mom’s house?

What's so hard about just getting divorced? Then you can have 3-4 days a week of free time with no chance someone will shirt their duty. Seems like a much better deal for OP since she can't stand her husband anyway.

Man what is your point with this?? OP’s husband needs to fix his marriage to make it one less full of resentment and contempt. You bringing up divorce feels like some sort of blackmail. OP doesn’t deserve a fair marriage because the only alternative is divorce?? There is an obvious better alternative. The only problem is that her husband has to choose it.

This marriage is obviously doomed. Why bother?

It’s as doomed as he makes it. He can pull his head out of his rear at any time.

Have you had a lot of success telling people they need to change or else? Because that pretty much never works.

I agree. And OP is obviously open to suggestions. What do you think would help someone see they’re taking advantage of their wife and not doing their fair share?

Nothing. I think the writing is on the wall with this one and I pretty much never think that when I read about relationship issues. Some just can't be fixed.

Well my marriage came back from exactly OP’s situation.

Op here. Can you share what steps you took and actionable changes both of you made?
What’s also somewhat laughable here is that dh has angrily said to me a few times that he feels I make unilateral decisions re DD. He feels cut out as if I parent alone.

SO STEP THE F UP.
When it’s your time solo, OWN IT. Do the things.
It increasingly appears that he wants a say, but doesn’t actually want to do the hard work. It’s starting to feel controlling, and again, like he’s compensating for the money thing.

I posted before about all the commonalities.

One thing that helped a little was giving him whole domains, like beginning to end laundry. Collect, wash, dry, fold, sort, manage sizes. He didn’t do it well, and kind of maddeningly increased the outsourcing for it by getting a laundry service, but it reduced the conflict. But like I also said before, if it doesn’t connect to profit, pleasure, or prestige, he’ll likely keep dropping the ball. So it helps to pick things that are an actual priority for him too, especially if they relate to his own sense of pleasure or prestige, like the Christmas cards seemed to.

You're going to have to help connect the dots here. He failed at his assigned domain, laundry, then reduced conflict by simply outsourcing it. Then he cherry picks his chores that align with the 3 Ps: profit, pleasure, and prestige, then ......... happy marriage? Something doesn't add up. Nobody likes to take the trash out, and it doesn't connect to he 3 Ps but, the trash needs to go out. OP should do all the dirty work and the lower earning spouse should outsource the icky work? Huh?

I mean he didn’t outsource the whole task. He still had to manage pickup, do the sorting into drawers, manage kid size grow outs, etc. As for cherry picking chores, I mean, better that he take on what he will do and then do it than the status quo.

Of course this isn’t perfectly fair and given where OP is now (and where I was then) that was just never going to happen. Men in my generation overwhelmingly weren’t socialized for real equity. And by that I mean millennial men who had working moms who did almost all the second shift work. But you can’t let perfect be the enemy of the good. The goal has to be better, not perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the saddest thread I've ever read on UCUM.

My Mom is dying. She never passed us on to anyone. Both Mom and Dad just showed us unconditional love.
I don't think she ever had any free time until her 3rd child
was in kindergarten.

I’m very sorry for what you’re going through.
There are no prizes for being a martyr.
Not having Any free time for years is not something to boast.

NP hard agreeing with the PP you quoted. This is so sad that both parents treat their child like a chore. I have four kids and get some free time here or there but don’t really mind because I love being with my kids. That’s why I had them. I’m truly shocked that parents would be keeping score like this. It’s your daughter! Either or both of you can get her some food and a nap. Just be normal. It’s not that hard. SMH at a parent who throws a fit because she only got her allotted 3 hours free from her child instead of 4. So sad PP thinks making lunch for a 3 year old is dying like a “martyr.”

Seriously OP must have trouble functioning in life. She sounds like someone who is triggered by micro aggressions, gossips at work, and complains to anyone who listens about how life with one child is SO HARD. Please get a grip and do not have any more children. That goes for your DH, too.

Another mommy martyr! Man they’re out in full form today. You can spot them a mile away with “it’s SO SAD…” bs.

[Anonymous]

Most men are like OP's husband. They never planned to do the lion's share or anything like a fair share and will not unless their feet are repeatedly held to the fire. Men expect to be appreciated merely for being a part of your life. You should naturally want to please him, from his perspective, for one simple reason: he is your husband. The fact that you earn more money does not change his image of himself as the head of the household responsible for providing and protecting. Why wouldn't you be grateful and glad to cater to him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

It was afternoon. Per your agreement, it was you time to take over.

Did you not read directly before you bolded? It literally says her dh handles lunch and naptime and the op
Handles dinner time and bed.

This is exactly why rigid agreements don’t work. How do they handle days that are off-schedule, which are inevitable? Who gets the “extra work”? It’s healthy to be flexible in your time to account for life’s surprises, to speak to your spouse with respect, and to not hold salaries over anyone’s head. OP and her spouse sound like they’re harboring a whole lot of resentment and both would need to mage changes.

What if the child has explosive diarrhea or vomits everywhere when it's "your watch" and creates a huge mess? Is it just "sucks to be you, babe!" as you watch the other person clean up a huge mess and tend to a sick child? So glad my spouse and I can work as a team. I can remember having just one kid and thinking this was a big deal but then we had 3 and it was pretty much all hands on deck until the youngest was at least 4 and we just rolled with it.

Of course I would help. We were “flexible” on hands on deck for the first 2 years or so. And then I looked up one day and realized flexibility meant me doing basically all of the cleaning child care AND making more money.

You know, that's your big problem. You have no respect for your DH because he is a beta and low earning to boot. Maybe divorce that POS. You must be feeling horrible having a kid with that loser, no?

Op here. Dh always preached feminism and that he saw no problem with being a house husband/his dream wouid be to be a stay at home dad etc. professed no issue with traditional values that men must make money and women stay at home. YET when he lost his job, had a long period of unemployment and I became the breadwinner, in turn asking him to pick up extra load at home/ I think his theory of feminism and a stay at home dad became a reality he didn’t actually like or want. He did eventually find a job but has made less than me for 6 years now. I think it bothers him. I do think if he went back to the high earning status he had before things might be different. Not sure if better, but I think he feels emasculated. Frankly, if I have to put up with a jerk and someone not willing to pull weight at home, I’d MUCH prefer dh be making much better money and feeling financially secure and able to outsource some things. Basically I don’t think I’d put up as much of a fuss about doing 90% of the housework if he were making more money.

Man or woman. You can’t be making less money AND doing less work at home.

It’s hilarious. All these men who thought women just weren’t doing much and SAHD was a cushy alternative to the grind. I knew a guy who talked this trash until he actually had kids. Luckily for his wife he didn’t paint himself into a corner and ever actually do it but he doesn’t run his mouth anymore now that he knows the reality of having two small kids.

Studies have shown that men do less around the house in couples in which the main breadwinner is the woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The women here agreeing with OP’s husband and acting as though OP is talking about this particular hour on this particular Saturday rather than all of the hours that preceded it are honestly worse than OP’s husband. At least you can understand OP’s husband.

These other women, though, what kind of moral superiority are they on about… geez, they’re the kind of people that hold all women back, the type that don’t understand why families should want maternity leave (can just hear them saying, “Well, I just loved being pregnant and having a newborn, why are you people acting as though you should be paid for that time as though it’s a burden”). Ya’ll are honestly terrible people or acting like you are just to f*** with my blood pressure.

Like the one PP, bragging about how her mom never had a moment to herself until her third kid went to kindergarten like.. that’s a good thing? WTH? What is wrong with you people, how do you not see what a problem that is?

Parenting is hard. Yes, open your legs for any Tom's Hairy Dick that you want but do not get pregnant. You take charge of your fertility.

Get pregnant if -
- you have a village
- your partner is a good father material
- you have money to outsource chores
- you are well educated and have a flexible career
- you are able to pay for childcare
- your mental health is good
- you are fantastic in adulting


Don't be a broke ho who gets preggo just because you feel entitled to motherhood or fatherhood. Everyone does not deserve to have kids.

It sounds like OP had all of this and also that her husband talked a good game about being a dad, even a SAHD, a feminist, a true equal partner. How was OP supposed to know he was going to crumble like this when faced with the actual reality?

Because her kid is 3 and his real behavior came out 6 years ago when he wws laid off and not willing to take on more home chores.

Common theme here in this board. People love to ignore red flags and then pretend they never knew until the kids arrived.

Yup. She did not own her fertility. She got pregnant by an unemployed husband who was not doing his part because she was a handmaiden and had no control over who fuxed her and made her pregnant. Play stupid games and get stupid prizes.

I wonder why did OP accept this nonsense? Maybe because she did not have enough going for her except her job. She compromised and got married to a beta male. This is the best that she can get. And she was stupid enough to get a kid in this enviornment and now she is playing games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t about OP’s DH not doing his fair share of chores around the house. It’s about OP actively not wanting to be with her child for a rigidly prescribed period of time. Why is giving your child lunch and putting her down for a nap such a burden? Especially after you’ve literally had hours of alone time. OP you are high maintenance and need to suck it up a little. Your husband does too if he’s so exhausted after being with a three year old for a few hours. Truly sad that you both dislike being parents so much you are fighting over a tiny scrap of “alone” time.

This post is internally inconsistent. They don’t both need to “suck it up” if one of them is doing what they agreed to and the other isn’t.

It is not. OP can suck it up and help her child while her hair is wet from the shower (not a big deal). DH can suck it up and help his child even though he’s tired. They are both whiny and selfish. Can you imagine being so upset about spending a bit of extra time with your child that you came on here to post about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the saddest thread I've ever read on UCUM.

My Mom is dying. She never passed us on to anyone. Both Mom and Dad just showed us unconditional love.
I don't think she ever had any free time until her 3rd child
was in kindergarten.

I’m very sorry for what you’re going through.
There are no prizes for being a martyr.
Not having Any free time for years is not something to boast.

NP hard agreeing with the PP you quoted. This is so sad that both parents treat their child like a chore. I have four kids and get some free time here or there but don’t really mind because I love being with my kids. That’s why I had them. I’m truly shocked that parents would be keeping score like this. It’s your daughter! Either or both of you can get her some food and a nap. Just be normal. It’s not that hard. SMH at a parent who throws a fit because she only got her allotted 3 hours free from her child instead of 4. So sad PP thinks making lunch for a 3 year old is dying like a “martyr.”

Seriously OP must have trouble functioning in life. She sounds like someone who is triggered by micro aggressions, gossips at work, and complains to anyone who listens about how life with one child is SO HARD. Please get a grip and do not have any more children. That goes for your DH, too.

Another mommy martyr! Man they’re out in full form today. You can spot them a mile away with “it’s SO SAD…” bs.

Another person accusing someone being a mommy martyr! If you compare spending an extra 20 minutes with your daughter to make her a sandwich and put her to bed to DYING, you shouldn’t be a parent. Especially after you’ve had hours all to yourself. If you and your husband both clock in and out of your jobs as parents like you’re working at Walmart, you shouldn’t be a parent. People, get real. Parenting has its ups and downs but it’s not that hard to manage one child. Some people are just too self-centered to be parents and, apparently, to even be married.

[Anonymous]

The real issue isn't the time table or number of hours put in by each parent. It's the lack of grace they're showing one another.

My spouse would have said to me, "I know this is your free time and you so deserve it, but I'm really struggling right now. Can you handle lunch and nap and then I'll do bedtime tonight?" or whatever. And I would have said, "Sure thing, sorry you're so tired. Come be Mommy's snuggle buddy, honey!"

More grace, more love, more joy. That's what it's all about.

My husband is always talking about the 90/10 rule, that we fixate on the 10% we think our spouse is slacking in instead of focusing on the 90% that's positive. But on the flip side, if we understand what bothers our spouse (our 10%) and work on it for them while also focusing on the positive (their 90%), everyone feels happy and seen and appreciated.

I do think it's important to carve out time for yourself, and your spouse should want that too. If he's taking advantage of you, then you should be able to say, "Hey, I feel like you're taking advantage of me. Don't you want me to have time to myself? Don't you see how hard I work?" But don't play games. I'm not going to stick around in any relationship that turns me into a petty, game-playing person. If that's who the relationship turns me into, then something is seriously wrong.