SAHMs and marriage dynamics?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is weird to me how many people in this thread are talking about the parenting and marriages of law firm partners. In general this is not a group whose parenting and marriages should be admired. That holds true for marriages with a SAHP or two working parents. At least from the outside, law firm partner marriages seem to have a much higher than average rate of cheating, kids with issues, and spectacularly nasty divorces compared to other marriages, and it doesn’t seem to matter whether it’s a SAH or WOH marriage. I find it odd that they appear as examples so often in this thread.

Agree. Your average law firm partner will likely dislike you no matter what you do. A law firm partner putting down his SAHM isn’t reflective of too much besides he is miserable. If she worked and was a CEO he’d probably have a problem with that too.

Anyone gossiping negatively about his wife to coworkers is a bad partner regardless of her employment status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is weird to me how many people in this thread are talking about the parenting and marriages of law firm partners. In general this is not a group whose parenting and marriages should be admired. That holds true for marriages with a SAHP or two working parents. At least from the outside, law firm partner marriages seem to have a much higher than average rate of cheating, kids with issues, and spectacularly nasty divorces compared to other marriages, and it doesn’t seem to matter whether it’s a SAH or WOH marriage. I find it odd that they appear as examples so often in this thread.

Agree. Your average law firm partner will likely dislike you no matter what you do. A law firm partner putting down his SAHM isn’t reflective of too much besides he is miserable. If she worked and was a CEO he’d probably have a problem with that too.

Anyone gossiping negatively about his wife to coworkers is a bad partner regardless of her employment status.

+1

This is a bad look for the women gloating about it in here too. Talk about internalized misogyny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is weird to me how many people in this thread are talking about the parenting and marriages of law firm partners. In general this is not a group whose parenting and marriages should be admired. That holds true for marriages with a SAHP or two working parents. At least from the outside, law firm partner marriages seem to have a much higher than average rate of cheating, kids with issues, and spectacularly nasty divorces compared to other marriages, and it doesn’t seem to matter whether it’s a SAH or WOH marriage. I find it odd that they appear as examples so often in this thread.

+1

Law firm partners also tend to work long hours and actually have no time to be with the kids. In that scenario a SAHM might make more sense.

Yes, but having a SAHM doesn’t seem to fix the underlying issues.

The couple with the SAHM might disagree with you on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big law partner and a lot of my male colleagues have wives who are SAHMs. I'm not super involved in their marriages, obviously, but just from hearing how they talk amongst themselves, it seems like a lot of them lose respect for their wives. All conversations become about the kids or the household, and they start seeing their wives more as a mother to their kids than a true partner and equal. They do love their wives, and I think their marriages are mostly happy, but it does sometimes feel like they see their colleagues (male and female) as their peers and their wives as a step beneath - and that's with the good ones. As you probably know, cheating is rampant in big law. This may be unique to law, and big law in particular, where people tend to make their career their personality and most of their self worth.

I work in law and I have seen this too.

I’ve also seen men who work crazy hours be derisive about the fact that their sahm wife who’s doing ninety percent of the childcare has child care help. “Can’t believe we have a nanny so my wife can go to the gym.” I work and don’t even have kids but I always tuck such comments away as evidence that the guy is kind of an ass.

Well, I think the issue is that in 2023, law firm partnership is increasingly comprised of women, or men with wives who work. So the partners with Sahws are no longer the norm. And these guys are seeing themselves surrounded by dual working couples who have happy marriages and kids. Then their wife complains to them every day about how tired she is, and how she needs more help, and the guy starts to realize his wife may be a little disappointing.

I am a partner at a law firm and my wife only works part time for a nonprofit legal org and is otherwise a SAHM. I don't feel this way at all. I look at the two working parent families and there is far more tension than in my marriage, and the kids in those families act, by and large, as if they're both coddled and neglected. I can't believe how much time these kids spend with nannies who are poorly educated and seem to make little effort to discipline the kids. So, yes, my wife is a lawyer and could make a lot more money, but I'd rather have her available for the kids (and family more generally) and am happy she wants to do that. And she can spend whatever she wants, although she's pretty practical and frugal by nature.

Maybe you and your wife have a good marriage and are good parents. I think it’s a little judgmental to think that any marital issues or kid behavioral issues can be contributed to both parents working full time…I’m glad you make enough money so your wife can have time for childcare.

DP. I do think there are a lot of households where there’s a tremendous amount of stress from both couples working. Especially if they are demanding jobs. The biggest stressor to me is that the woman often has limited time with her kids so she isn’t able to devote enough time to only her husband.

One of the leading causes for marital disaccord and divorces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ultimately, every marriage would be destroyed in this kind of situation. Men just don’t find it attractive.

That doesn’t make any sense. The primary role of a wife was to raise kids and maintain the household since the beginning of time. Yes some women worked outside of the home or somehow earned a living, but the identity of a wife was raising kids and taking care of the home.

That’s why I don’t really buy the posts saying men are turned off by a SAHM and want a professional woman who looks good in meetings. This goes against biological desire. A woman having a high earning job in an office is something relatively new. To say that now a man wants that sexually is too much of a change in a short period of time.

The notion of a woman staying at home to organize carpools and activity schedules is pretty new too. I don't think men find that very hot either.

Men find playboy bunnies and porn stars hot but that's fairly new as well.

[Anonymous]

They sure would like enhanced butts and boobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if this has been posted about before.

How does being a SAHM change the dynamics of a marriage? I make a similar amount as DH and never have to think twice if I want to buy something for myself (within reason, of course). I expect DH to share housework/childcare equally. We make decisions collectively and neither of us has the final say. Everything just feels very equal and balanced in our relationship. Does that all go out the window if you're a SAHM? How does it work?

Why do you need to know how other people's marriages work? Don't you have enough to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is weird to me how many people in this thread are talking about the parenting and marriages of law firm partners. In general this is not a group whose parenting and marriages should be admired. That holds true for marriages with a SAHP or two working parents. At least from the outside, law firm partner marriages seem to have a much higher than average rate of cheating, kids with issues, and spectacularly nasty divorces compared to other marriages, and it doesn’t seem to matter whether it’s a SAH or WOH marriage. I find it odd that they appear as examples so often in this thread.

+1

Law firm partners also tend to work long hours and actually have no time to be with the kids. In that scenario a SAHM might make more sense.

Yes, but having a SAHM doesn’t seem to fix the underlying issues.

No but having a busier wife sure would be a bigger issue for him, home and children. If he values his wif's work, he'll cut down his hours so she too can keep her career or they'll take turns to focus on career and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is weird to me how many people in this thread are talking about the parenting and marriages of law firm partners. In general this is not a group whose parenting and marriages should be admired. That holds true for marriages with a SAHP or two working parents. At least from the outside, law firm partner marriages seem to have a much higher than average rate of cheating, kids with issues, and spectacularly nasty divorces compared to other marriages, and it doesn’t seem to matter whether it’s a SAH or WOH marriage. I find it odd that they appear as examples so often in this thread.

+1

Law firm partners also tend to work long hours and actually have no time to be with the kids. In that scenario a SAHM might make more sense.

Yes, but having a SAHM doesn’t seem to fix the underlying issues.

The couple with the SAHM might disagree with you on that.

That having a SAHM changes the problems in law firm partner marriages? Sure they might disagree. But that doesn’t change what a lot of people easily see, which is that law firm partner marriages seem to be disproportionately filled with cheating, kids with serious issues, alcoholism, and furthermore that those issues occur in both two working parent law firm partner marriages and law firm partner marriages with a SAHM. The issue is the existence of a law firm partner in the marriages, not SAH or WOH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is weird to me how many people in this thread are talking about the parenting and marriages of law firm partners. In general this is not a group whose parenting and marriages should be admired. That holds true for marriages with a SAHP or two working parents. At least from the outside, law firm partner marriages seem to have a much higher than average rate of cheating, kids with issues, and spectacularly nasty divorces compared to other marriages, and it doesn’t seem to matter whether it’s a SAH or WOH marriage. I find it odd that they appear as examples so often in this thread.

+1

Law firm partners also tend to work long hours and actually have no time to be with the kids. In that scenario a SAHM might make more sense.

Yes, but having a SAHM doesn’t seem to fix the underlying issues.

The couple with the SAHM might disagree with you on that.

That having a SAHM changes the problems in law firm partner marriages? Sure they might disagree. But that doesn’t change what a lot of people easily see, which is that law firm partner marriages seem to be disproportionately filled with cheating, kids with serious issues, alcoholism, and furthermore that those issues occur in both two working parent law firm partner marriages and law firm partner marriages with a SAHM. The issue is the existence of a law firm partner in the marriages, not SAH or WOH.

And yet they are considered desirable/high status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is weird to me how many people in this thread are talking about the parenting and marriages of law firm partners. In general this is not a group whose parenting and marriages should be admired. That holds true for marriages with a SAHP or two working parents. At least from the outside, law firm partner marriages seem to have a much higher than average rate of cheating, kids with issues, and spectacularly nasty divorces compared to other marriages, and it doesn’t seem to matter whether it’s a SAH or WOH marriage. I find it odd that they appear as examples so often in this thread.

+1

Law firm partners also tend to work long hours and actually have no time to be with the kids. In that scenario a SAHM might make more sense.

Yes, but having a SAHM doesn’t seem to fix the underlying issues.

The couple with the SAHM might disagree with you on that.

That having a SAHM changes the problems in law firm partner marriages? Sure they might disagree. But that doesn’t change what a lot of people easily see, which is that law firm partner marriages seem to be disproportionately filled with cheating, kids with serious issues, alcoholism, and furthermore that those issues occur in both two working parent law firm partner marriages and law firm partner marriages with a SAHM. The issue is the existence of a law firm partner in the marriages, not SAH or WOH.

And yet they are considered desirable/high status.

You don’t marry a law firm partner, you marry a law student or junior associate.

But I have no regrets because my husband is amazing. And he hasn’t heard about cheating in his office, although I’m sure it happens. His friend, in the other hand, had a lot of stories about cheating at the department of homeland security, of all places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If neither parent wants to be there for the children, may be you are career oriented people not children oriented people. There is nothing wrong with that. You don't have to have children. Just foster from time to time.

Definitely. On my unemployed people should have kids.

Nothing about our political economy post-industrial revolution is conducive to raising children or future citizens. Not a whole lot we can do about it since govts will always put short-term GDP over the health of it's citizens but the mommy wars are a welcome distraction for them.

Exactly, these problems are mostly systemic, not individual, and most women are both SAHMs and working at some point. DCUM is addicted to the dopamine hit of judging and blaming individuals so as to feel superior, so these wars keep going, distracting us from the real problems which are:

1. capitalism and profit over people
2. capitalism and profit over health (health of people and health of planet)
3. "corporations are people" legally
4. money in politics, we are not represented

There is a relentless drive to transfer wealth up to the .01%. Everything, every stage and moment of life is monetized, in a subscription model if at all possible. Whatever you have left is taken by the health care system at the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is weird to me how many people in this thread are talking about the parenting and marriages of law firm partners. In general this is not a group whose parenting and marriages should be admired. That holds true for marriages with a SAHP or two working parents. At least from the outside, law firm partner marriages seem to have a much higher than average rate of cheating, kids with issues, and spectacularly nasty divorces compared to other marriages, and it doesn’t seem to matter whether it’s a SAH or WOH marriage. I find it odd that they appear as examples so often in this thread.

+1

Law firm partners also tend to work long hours and actually have no time to be with the kids. In that scenario a SAHM might make more sense.

Yes, but having a SAHM doesn’t seem to fix the underlying issues.

The couple with the SAHM might disagree with you on that.

That having a SAHM changes the problems in law firm partner marriages? Sure they might disagree. But that doesn’t change what a lot of people easily see, which is that law firm partner marriages seem to be disproportionately filled with cheating, kids with serious issues, alcoholism, and furthermore that those issues occur in both two working parent law firm partner marriages and law firm partner marriages with a SAHM. The issue is the existence of a law firm partner in the marriages, not SAH or WOH.

And yet they are considered desirable/high status.

Well, a lot of people are willing to put up with appalling behavior in exchange for money. Not just in this context, in life in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is weird to me how many people in this thread are talking about the parenting and marriages of law firm partners. In general this is not a group whose parenting and marriages should be admired. That holds true for marriages with a SAHP or two working parents. At least from the outside, law firm partner marriages seem to have a much higher than average rate of cheating, kids with issues, and spectacularly nasty divorces compared to other marriages, and it doesn’t seem to matter whether it’s a SAH or WOH marriage. I find it odd that they appear as examples so often in this thread.

Agree. Your average law firm partner will likely dislike you no matter what you do. A law firm partner putting down his SAHM isn’t reflective of too much besides he is miserable. If she worked and was a CEO he’d probably have a problem with that too.

Anyone gossiping negatively about his wife to coworkers is a bad partner regardless of her employment status.

+1

This is a bad look for the women gloating about it in here too. Talk about internalized misogyny.

Reporting on what people hear in the office is specifically relevant to the conversation, not gloating. I didn’t write any of those posts, but I think this take is ridiculous and over-sensitive.

But I think that we can all agree the men and women who talk negatively about their spouses at work are bad partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If neither parent wants to be there for the children, may be you are career oriented people not children oriented people. There is nothing wrong with that. You don't have to have children. Just foster from time to time.

Definitely. On my unemployed people should have kids.

Nothing about our political economy post-industrial revolution is conducive to raising children or future citizens. Not a whole lot we can do about it since govts will always put short-term GDP over the health of it's citizens but the mommy wars are a welcome distraction for them.

Exactly, these problems are mostly systemic, not individual, and most women are both SAHMs and working at some point. DCUM is addicted to the dopamine hit of judging and blaming individuals so as to feel superior, so these wars keep going, distracting us from the real problems which are:

1. capitalism and profit over people
2. capitalism and profit over health (health of people and health of planet)
3. "corporations are people" legally
4. money in politics, we are not represented

There is a relentless drive to transfer wealth up to the .01%. Everything, every stage and moment of life is monetized, in a subscription model if at all possible. Whatever you have left is taken by the health care system at the end.

Interesting. I think capitalism is directly responsible for improving the quality of life and lifespan of billions of people!