SAHMs and marriage dynamics?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is weird to me how many people in this thread are talking about the parenting and marriages of law firm partners. In general this is not a group whose parenting and marriages should be admired. That holds true for marriages with a SAHP or two working parents. At least from the outside, law firm partner marriages seem to have a much higher than average rate of cheating, kids with issues, and spectacularly nasty divorces compared to other marriages, and it doesn’t seem to matter whether it’s a SAH or WOH marriage. I find it odd that they appear as examples so often in this thread.

+1

Law firm partners also tend to work long hours and actually have no time to be with the kids. In that scenario a SAHM might make more sense.

Yes, but having a SAHM doesn’t seem to fix the underlying issues.

The couple with the SAHM might disagree with you on that.

That having a SAHM changes the problems in law firm partner marriages? Sure they might disagree. But that doesn’t change what a lot of people easily see, which is that law firm partner marriages seem to be disproportionately filled with cheating, kids with serious issues, alcoholism, and furthermore that those issues occur in both two working parent law firm partner marriages and law firm partner marriages with a SAHM. The issue is the existence of a law firm partner in the marriages, not SAH or WOH.

I don’t have a law firm spouse so I have no dog in that (IMO weird) fight, but yes, having a SAHM can absolutely help with you are struggling while parenting kids with “serious issues” for example, namely by juggling the therapy and medication appointments associated with that, providing more constant parental supervision and in general lowering the stress level in a household. In that kind of difficult family scenario, I can definitely see having a SAHM as positively affecting the marriage dynamics…but at the end of the day, that’s a call to made by the spouses in that marriage not for outsiders looking in.

[Anonymous]

There are tons of studies about how law firm partners have much higher degrees of alcoholism, mental health illness, divorce, etc. than than average. Suicide is more likely. Heart attacks are more likely. They also are more likely to have SAH wives than the average (in other words, SAH partners are not particularly protective against these issues).

The studies and data are bad enough that lawyers in a lot of states are required to take CLE about drug and alcohol, health impact of law, mental health, etc. It is just really weird that in this thread people are talking about law firm partner marriage as an example of marriages with good partnership when the hard data collected by state bars shows exactly the opposite.

[Anonymous]

If you take career title and salary out of the equation and still respect each other, it works.

My DH never made me feel like “less”. All of the money was always our money. Housework is as still done by both of us. He made sure that there was time in his schedule to allow me to do things I was interested in.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are a team working together toward the same goals. That is the goal.

You are building something together. You are building a family with a healthy emotional core, family assets (wealth), and legacy.

You hope to pass the good thing you have built over 50 years on to the next generation. You are building your family better through each generation. It's just your turn to build right now.

You are building together toward something bigger than the two of you. It is not who does what so much as what is being built thanks to combined effort. It all lumps into the whole, it is a team effort. That is how you think about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are tons of studies about how law firm partners have much higher degrees of alcoholism, mental health illness, divorce, etc. than than average. Suicide is more likely. Heart attacks are more likely. They also are more likely to have SAH wives than the average (in other words, SAH partners are not particularly protective against these issues).

The studies and data are bad enough that lawyers in a lot of states are required to take CLE about drug and alcohol, health impact of law, mental health, etc. It is just really weird that in this thread people are talking about law firm partner marriage as an example of marriages with good partnership when the hard data collected by state bars shows exactly the opposite.

But you’d have to do an analysis of those bad outcomes in partners with kids who have SAH compared with those whose wives work. Just because they are both more likely to have a spouse stay at home and have the issues you’re talking about doesn’t mean having a SAH spouse isn’t protective, relatively speaking.

But DH is a big law partner and is constantly stressed. He doesn’t have mental health issues, we’re past the traditionally tough years of marriage, he doesn’t drink, but his job definitely takes a toll and I hate it.

[Anonymous]

Consumerism. Keeping up with the Jonses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no formula to change dynamics. If you marry a jerk, they will be one no matter what your roles. Managing stress is important for sahms and wohms.

It is easy to spot those in bad marriages as they accuse/ lash out. I can tell who has issues by their posts

I agree with you on principle but good marriages take work and a couple in constant fight or flight due to stress aren’t likely able to put that work in as careers and kids generally come first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you take career title and salary out of the equation and still respect each other, it works.

My DH never made me feel like “less”. All of the money was always our money. Housework is as still done by both of us. He made sure that there was time in his schedule to allow me to do things I was interested in.

+1. We are a team. We are not in competition. In fact, we were both making 125k when we got together. I could either continue to make that amount, or I could step back and he could take a job he wanted that pays 300k with little flexibility. If we didn't want to be stressed out with little time for our young family, I could've kept working, but we decided to choose quality of life. Now that the kids are in school, I have really leaned into my personal work and I find it immensely fulfilling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are a team working together toward the same goals. That is the goal.

You are building something together. You are building a family with a healthy emotional core, family assets (wealth), and legacy.

You hope to pass the good thing you have built over 50 years on to the next generation. You are building your family better through each generation. It's just your turn to build right now.

You are building together toward something bigger than the two of you. It is not who does what so much as what is being built thanks to combined effort. It all lumps into the whole, it is a team effort. That is how you think about it.

This is too much! I loled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no formula to change dynamics. If you marry a jerk, they will be one no matter what your roles. Managing stress is important for sahms and wohms.

It is easy to spot those in bad marriages as they accuse/ lash out. I can tell who has issues by their posts

I agree with you on principle but good marriages take work and a couple in constant fight or flight due to stress aren’t likely able to put that work in as careers and kids generally come first.

Being a SAHM definitely reduces friction in my house, fwiw. I admire my friends who are juggling work and home and I am appreciative every day for that upside. Staying at home has pluses and minuses for sure, but if you’re not introducing major financial stress, it definitely makes the day to day easier. Perhaps TOO easy for some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fwiw, my husband works in finance. I SAHM because I have a chronic health condition. Also because he makes a lot of money, so we don’t need income from my side, and because when his first employer IPO’d he got a couple million out of it. He has since moved on to another job that requires less than 40 hours a week. High degree of flexibility, wfh, enjoys the people he works with, makes high six figures easy, etc. We’ve been together since college so our marriage is very egalitarian. He is super hands on with the kids and house. We got married young and bought our first house in the 09 crash and have climbed the property ladder through buying and selling at the right times.

I don’t relate at all to the law firm stuff or lawyer culture people talk about. Sounds horrible. You can’t assume everyone is stuck in that situation.

I know a couple that fits this description exactly. Newsflash, the successful husband is sick of his whiny chronically ill wife and has other options and a wandering eye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fwiw, my husband works in finance. I SAHM because I have a chronic health condition. Also because he makes a lot of money, so we don’t need income from my side, and because when his first employer IPO’d he got a couple million out of it. He has since moved on to another job that requires less than 40 hours a week. High degree of flexibility, wfh, enjoys the people he works with, makes high six figures easy, etc. We’ve been together since college so our marriage is very egalitarian. He is super hands on with the kids and house. We got married young and bought our first house in the 09 crash and have climbed the property ladder through buying and selling at the right times.

I don’t relate at all to the law firm stuff or lawyer culture people talk about. Sounds horrible. You can’t assume everyone is stuck in that situation.

I know a couple that fits this description exactly. Newsflash, the successful husband is sick of his whiny chronically ill wife and has other options and a wandering eye.

He sounds like a real winner. I'm sure successful independent women are just lining up for a creep like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fwiw, my husband works in finance. I SAHM because I have a chronic health condition. Also because he makes a lot of money, so we don’t need income from my side, and because when his first employer IPO’d he got a couple million out of it. He has since moved on to another job that requires less than 40 hours a week. High degree of flexibility, wfh, enjoys the people he works with, makes high six figures easy, etc. We’ve been together since college so our marriage is very egalitarian. He is super hands on with the kids and house. We got married young and bought our first house in the 09 crash and have climbed the property ladder through buying and selling at the right times.

I don’t relate at all to the law firm stuff or lawyer culture people talk about. Sounds horrible. You can’t assume everyone is stuck in that situation.

I know a couple that fits this description exactly. Newsflash, the successful husband is sick of his whiny chronically ill wife and has other options and a wandering eye.

He sounds like a real winner. I'm sure successful independent women are just lining up for a creep like that.

Ha right? “my wife has lupus and is such a drag, please have an affair with me.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fwiw, my husband works in finance. I SAHM because I have a chronic health condition. Also because he makes a lot of money, so we don’t need income from my side, and because when his first employer IPO’d he got a couple million out of it. He has since moved on to another job that requires less than 40 hours a week. High degree of flexibility, wfh, enjoys the people he works with, makes high six figures easy, etc. We’ve been together since college so our marriage is very egalitarian. He is super hands on with the kids and house. We got married young and bought our first house in the 09 crash and have climbed the property ladder through buying and selling at the right times.

I don’t relate at all to the law firm stuff or lawyer culture people talk about. Sounds horrible. You can’t assume everyone is stuck in that situation.

I know a couple that fits this description exactly. Newsflash, the successful husband is sick of his whiny chronically ill wife and has other options and a wandering eye.

Newsflash: this type of guy would have a wandering eye even if his wife was a big law partner and looked like a supermodel. In that case, it would be all "she doesn't have time for me, she spends all her energy on work". GMAB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consumerism. Keeping up with the Jonses.

I don’t get why SAHM dynamic would influence this at all. Most SAHM households are taking a hit from a lost income so less money to do this.