Explain to me the financial risk of SAH if partner is a high earner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's not forget that people die unexpectedly all the time. Life insurance won't last forever, especially if you have kids.

Also, people get fired.

I work so that I can be a backstop if either of these things happen to my husband.

There is social security, life insurance- we have employer and private and we have an annuity on a small pension plus health care. You have to plan.

Are you serious, social security for an exW of a law partner ??? His employer insurance is not the same as hers. Read above

You sound entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's not forget that people die unexpectedly all the time. Life insurance won't last forever, especially if you have kids.

Also, people get fired.

I work so that I can be a backstop if either of these things happen to my husband.

There is social security, life insurance- we have employer and private and we have an annuity on a small pension plus health care. You have to plan.

Are you serious, social security for an exW of a law partner ??? His employer insurance is not the same as hers. Read above

You sound entitled.

Well, if anyone who lived on $2mm income for most of adult life is ok living on $3k in retirement - good for them. I guess then all women should happily SAH

[Anonymous]

I didn't read the entire thread...did anybody say anything about the potential power you sacrifice when you are financially dependent on your husband? And the tendency of some high earning men to begin to devalue their non earning wives? They may come to resent the pressure they perceive in being the sole provider, even if they chose it. You can become an easy target in the hard times . Even if consciously supporting it, they may lose respect for you. Not all, but some. You also may lose some respect for yourself. You don't have to match his exorbitant income. But working often offers a sense of its own empowerment that may make you accept less bs from him, if he is prone to that, you know what I mean? It gives you a different marriage dynamic, often more of a partnership. I think it gives you more power.. But you may feel you get that without working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's not forget that people die unexpectedly all the time. Life insurance won't last forever, especially if you have kids.

Also, people get fired.

I work so that I can be a backstop if either of these things happen to my husband.

You're smart. My thirtysomething husband died completely unexpectantly on a beautiful summer afternoon. After the birth of our third child the year before, I leaned out of the workforce, which is a decision I came to regret. Life insurance, SSA benefits, our savings and no debt were certainly helpful, but I've had plenty of sleepless nights worrying over a roof replacement, and juggling everything from Montessori preschool to college expenses. I would never want any of my children to rely solely on a partner's income. People can put themselves at risk at just about every income level except probably the top 1%.

[Anonymous]

I'm a therapist and I seen more than a few married and divorced men in my practice. They can often know intellectually their wives have a difficult job as a sahm, they love them, they love their kids, they know their spouses are good mothers. They feel proud, too, of themselves, that they can provide.

But they can also simultaneously resent the burden of being the sole breadwinner. Almost all have a keen sense of what they believe are their wives imitations at home, what she doesn't do well. They keep tabs on it, in their mind. When they are frustrated they are prone to honing in on those things. If a child acts out, or has behavioral issues, since you are with them more, expect him to think you are part of the issue. Unconsciously or consciously, he may see most aspects of raising the children as your job, especially at that income level. It can wear over time and many of them (again, there may be a selection bias at play) are conflicted. Appreciative but potentially pissy as well. Not exactly a clinical term but you know what I mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's not forget that people die unexpectedly all the time. Life insurance won't last forever, especially if you have kids.

Also, people get fired.

I work so that I can be a backstop if either of these things happen to my husband.

You're smart. My thirtysomething husband died completely unexpectantly on a beautiful summer afternoon. After the birth of our third child the year before, I leaned out of the workforce, which is a decision I came to regret. Life insurance, SSA benefits, our savings and no debt were certainly helpful, but I've had plenty of sleepless nights worrying over a roof replacement, and juggling everything from Montessori preschool to college expenses. I would never want any of my children to rely solely on a partner's income. People can put themselves at risk at just about every income level except probably the top 1%.

I’m so sorry for your loss. You sound like a strong and thoughtful mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A point that is missing from the discussion is that those of more modest means likely do not have the assets for a prolonged battle in family court. Wealthy men do, have often done quite a bit of pre-planning and hiding assets and many may be high powered attorneys themselves.

Working gives women a means of supporting themselves and their children if need be. What can seem like a lot of money and a "solid" marriage can all vanish quickly. You may be shocked and taken by surprise. A spouse that is "at the office" or travelling and away from the family much of hte time can become progressively disengaged, disenchanted and ripe for an affair and I had no idea.

Ime, to shift guilt from a workplace affair, I became an object of contempt/scorn and custody schedules and delaying tactics were used to break me down emotionally and financially so that I accepted far less in a settlement than I had ever imagined. Someone I had thought of as of good character and protective of our child with mild SN went scorched earth and did not provide funds to continue beneficial therapies, for example. I had not worked in several years, had an out of date network and was hard pressed to pay a comparable lawyer as every delaying tactic in the book was used.

I do think the gulf got greater as ex stopped seeing me as a peer, which I had been when we met. When a midlife crisis hit, I was just a drudge, not exciting and a go getter. Any foothold in the working world and the financial independence and networks that come with it help maintain certain balances. I never thought it could happen to me and my kids but assets can be hidden very easily and without a lot of money for forensic accountants, they cannot be recovered. Orders are often not enforced re: things like insurance beneficiaries. You can be left struggling to provide basics for your kids during your custody time which made my kids scared and angry at the disparity from their former life and their other home. It is increasingly difficult to get a foothold back in the working world in midlife.

Best to all in this situation.

That sounds terrible, and I hate that you went through it, especially to care for a kid with SNs. I am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:State mandated levels of child support are very low compared to what it really takes to raise a child. Think bare minimum in terms of food, housing, etc. Also, divorced parent is not legally obligated to pay for tutors, out of network medical care, private school or college nor, in many states, any child support beyond age 18. (Although DC mandates child support until age 21).

Sorry, but any dad making $2m who is going to screw their kids over is not worth being around. I’d rather live in a studio with my kids than be around an a hole like that.

Your kids might not agree, especially if they are teens.

And people become a-holes in divorce.

And the court wouldn’t allow you custody with two teens in a studio anyway. Bedrooms would be required, just as they are to take in foster kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A colleague at my former law firm left his SAH wife for a client several years ago. They had three young kids and lived in Virginia. He told me he was required for as long as he stayed in big law to pay her no less than $500k a year in child support and alimony until the kids were 18.

Doubtful. And anyway, we’re talking horses, not unicorns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a therapist and I seen more than a few married and divorced men in my practice. They can often know intellectually their wives have a difficult job as a sahm, they love them, they love their kids, they know their spouses are good mothers. They feel proud, too, of themselves, that they can provide.

But they can also simultaneously resent the burden of being the sole breadwinner. Almost all have a keen sense of what they believe are their wives imitations at home, what she doesn't do well. They keep tabs on it, in their mind. When they are frustrated they are prone to honing in on those things. If a child acts out, or has behavioral issues, since you are with them more, expect him to think you are part of the issue. Unconsciously or consciously, he may see most aspects of raising the children as your job, especially at that income level. It can wear over time and many of them (again, there may be a selection bias at play) are conflicted. Appreciative but potentially pissy as well. Not exactly a clinical term but you know what I mean.

At that income level and if they are truly putting in the house, they don't have time for kids or a family so its all on the wife an help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no way I would advise either of my children (DD or DS) to stop working if they had a wealthy spouse. Not only for the financial aspects but also for their own sense of self. Life is just too uncertain.

Not everyone gets fulfillment and meaning from working for the man!

Oh, you’re an adolescent. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the entire thread...did anybody say anything about the potential power you sacrifice when you are financially dependent on your husband? And the tendency of some high earning men to begin to devalue their non earning wives? They may come to resent the pressure they perceive in being the sole provider, even if they chose it. You can become an easy target in the hard times . Even if consciously supporting it, they may lose respect for you. Not all, but some. You also may lose some respect for yourself. You don't have to match his exorbitant income. But working often offers a sense of its own empowerment that may make you accept less bs from him, if he is prone to that, you know what I mean? It gives you a different marriage dynamic, often more of a partnership. I think it gives you more power.. But you may feel you get that without working.

This sounds like you trying to justify your decision. If your spouse resents you, you need to get rid of that spouse. People will find a reason to resent you and blame you if that is their personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a therapist and I seen more than a few married and divorced men in my practice. They can often know intellectually their wives have a difficult job as a sahm, they love them, they love their kids, they know their spouses are good mothers. They feel proud, too, of themselves, that they can provide.

But they can also simultaneously resent the burden of being the sole breadwinner. Almost all have a keen sense of what they believe are their wives imitations at home, what she doesn't do well. They keep tabs on it, in their mind. When they are frustrated they are prone to honing in on those things. If a child acts out, or has behavioral issues, since you are with them more, expect him to think you are part of the issue. Unconsciously or consciously, he may see most aspects of raising the children as your job, especially at that income level. It can wear over time and many of them (again, there may be a selection bias at play) are conflicted. Appreciative but potentially pissy as well. Not exactly a clinical term but you know what I mean.

So what did men do before women entered the workforce and took traditionally male jobs? I get that women previously worked but men have been the primary breadwinners since the beginning of time. Also I’m sure most women are resentful they have the burden of pregnancy and childbirth when their husband whines if he even slightly cuts his finger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the entire thread...did anybody say anything about the potential power you sacrifice when you are financially dependent on your husband? And the tendency of some high earning men to begin to devalue their non earning wives? They may come to resent the pressure they perceive in being the sole provider, even if they chose it. You can become an easy target in the hard times . Even if consciously supporting it, they may lose respect for you. Not all, but some. You also may lose some respect for yourself. You don't have to match his exorbitant income. But working often offers a sense of its own empowerment that may make you accept less bs from him, if he is prone to that, you know what I mean? It gives you a different marriage dynamic, often more of a partnership. I think it gives you more power.. But you may feel you get that without working.

This sounds like you trying to justify your decision. If your spouse resents you, you need to get rid of that spouse. People will find a reason to resent you and blame you if that is their personality.

I personally think it’s pathetic that so many women on here are working out of fear and have bought the story that if not, their husband will resent them. Meanwhile they dealt with pregnancy and childbirth but aren’t resentful their husband didn’t share that burden. Then so many people on here are miserable and they can’t figure out why. I can’t imagine having an opinion of my marriage like PP and thinking my JOB really plays that big of a role in my marriage. And yes I work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the entire thread...did anybody say anything about the potential power you sacrifice when you are financially dependent on your husband? And the tendency of some high earning men to begin to devalue their non earning wives? They may come to resent the pressure they perceive in being the sole provider, even if they chose it. You can become an easy target in the hard times . Even if consciously supporting it, they may lose respect for you. Not all, but some. You also may lose some respect for yourself. You don't have to match his exorbitant income. But working often offers a sense of its own empowerment that may make you accept less bs from him, if he is prone to that, you know what I mean? It gives you a different marriage dynamic, often more of a partnership. I think it gives you more power.. But you may feel you get that without working.

This sounds like you trying to justify your decision. If your spouse resents you, you need to get rid of that spouse. People will find a reason to resent you and blame you if that is their personality.

I personally think it’s pathetic that so many women on here are working out of fear and have bought the story that if not, their husband will resent them. Meanwhile they dealt with pregnancy and childbirth but aren’t resentful their husband didn’t share that burden. Then so many people on here are miserable and they can’t figure out why. I can’t imagine having an opinion of my marriage like PP and thinking my JOB really plays that big of a role in my marriage. And yes I work.

I am a PP and work because I want to AND because I understand intrinsically how a power imbalance can fester in a working man/SAHW dynamic.

I was married to a sole earner and moved to Europe to support his career (he had an opportunity there). We had a toddler, then had a baby there. When I was very early into my second pregnancy I learned that he was cheating. I have never felt more trapped, more powerless. I had no work visa, no real means of supporting myself or getting a career job. It was absolutely devastating.

I had to rebuild my life from the ground up. I came back to the US and was on food stamps/cash assistance. I experienced firsthand the humiliation and intractable stress of poverty - with small kids, no less. My former spouse fully exploited his financial advantage from the day I left, including throughout the divorce process. I am not exaggerating when I say it almost killed me.

I was able to gain new skills and now am in a comfortable career. I am also remarried to a man who makes significantly more money than I do. I would never put myself in a position to be so vulnerable and dependent again. Unless a woman is independently wealthy or has parents who are (and are unequivocally willing to support her if things go south in a marriage) I would NEVER advise anyone to not work. There are just far too many variables in life and generally, he with the most money wins.