Explain to me the financial risk of SAH if partner is a high earner

[Anonymous]

My DH earns $2m+ and I was making around 150 when I stopped working. I have about $1m of my own savings. We have about $10m of assets accumulated after we got married. I am not worried at all if we ever were to divorce. Marriage is strong though.

I think it depends more on how strong marriage is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After you put in 20 years Virginia will give you lifetime alimony, there are some calculations involved but I believe it winds up being around 40% of the spouses after-tax income

Some men will purposely lower their income, I have seen it.

[Anonymous]

Let's not forget that people die unexpectedly all the time. Life insurance won't last forever, especially if you have kids.

Also, people get fired.

I work so that I can be a backstop if either of these things happen to my husband.

[Anonymous]

Get a post-nup and have husband essentially pay you for your SAH labor.

[Anonymous]

One day you’ll discover your husband is a drunk but a high earner and you’ll be trapped with no resources and no way out.

[Anonymous]

My father is retired now, but was a partner in a law firm. Parents have been married over 50 yrs and my mother taught elementary school and then became a SAH. I don’t know the other details of their financial agreement but I remember my mom telling me that our primary residence and our vacation home were both solely in her name. She said this was to give her those assets and also (she claimed) if something ever happened like my dad’s firm facing a major lawsuit or similar catastrophe it would protect the homes. No idea if that would have been the case because luckily neither business disaster nor divorce happened. My mother also inherited money that she wouldn’t touch generally but now and then if she and my father disagreed on whether to spend money on something she would. I think, generally, when he saw she was that serious about something, he’d agree to it. But these days if I had an arrangement like that I’d want my own bank account / discretionary fund - or maybe even work out a salary. I also remember when my father insured my mother for well over a million and she was surprised and he said “do you have any idea how much I’d have to pay someone to care for the kids, manage our household bills, grocery shop, take the pets to the vet, etc”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's not forget that people die unexpectedly all the time. Life insurance won't last forever, especially if you have kids.

Also, people get fired.

I work so that I can be a backstop if either of these things happen to my husband.

In the case of death, doesn’t life insurance combined with retirement savings for the person who will no longer retire, cover it? And SSI for minor children.

Oppose snip is probably prudent, but I am considering retiring early as a SAHP. Or joint earnings so far enough that I would be just fine getting half of them and sustaining the rest of my life for my kid and me.

[Anonymous]

I’m 50+. Married 25 years and SAHM for most of that. Nice retirement accounts and savings, all accrued while we were married. Life insurance and kids’ college provided for. If we were to divorce, I could live comfortably. Worked out for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 50+. Married 25 years and SAHM for most of that. Nice retirement accounts and savings, all accrued while we were married. Life insurance and kids’ college provided for. If we were to divorce, I could live comfortably. Worked out for me.

I wouldn't rely on liquid accounts too much if I were you. Having your own corporate 401k for $2mm is not the same as having a joint account for $2mm which can be easily emptied by spouse during divorce. Also, his 401k is not really fully accessible to the wife: he can cash it under a deep discount and spend on something else. Then when it's all wasted, the judge would seek other assets to "make up" for that cash. If there is not RE where you would get higher equity to compensate, you're screwed. Life insurance beneficiary can be also changed against the court decision, and good luck litigating against the insurance company!

Unless I have my own corporate 401k, and solely my RE all together combined worth at least $5mm, I wouldn't stop working!

[Anonymous]

A point that is missing from the discussion is that those of more modest means likely do not have the assets for a prolonged battle in family court. Wealthy men do, have often done quite a bit of pre-planning and hiding assets and many may be high powered attorneys themselves.

Working gives women a means of supporting themselves and their children if need be. What can seem like a lot of money and a "solid" marriage can all vanish quickly. You may be shocked and taken by surprise. A spouse that is "at the office" or travelling and away from the family much of hte time can become progressively disengaged, disenchanted and ripe for an affair and I had no idea.

Ime, to shift guilt from a workplace affair, I became an object of contempt/scorn and custody schedules and delaying tactics were used to break me down emotionally and financially so that I accepted far less in a settlement than I had ever imagined. Someone I had thought of as of good character and protective of our child with mild SN went scorched earth and did not provide funds to continue beneficial therapies, for example. I had not worked in several years, had an out of date network and was hard pressed to pay a comparable lawyer as every delaying tactic in the book was used.

I do think the gulf got greater as ex stopped seeing me as a peer, which I had been when we met. When a midlife crisis hit, I was just a drudge, not exciting and a go getter. Any foothold in the working world and the financial independence and networks that come with it help maintain certain balances. I never thought it could happen to me and my kids but assets can be hidden very easily and without a lot of money for forensic accountants, they cannot be recovered. Orders are often not enforced re: things like insurance beneficiaries. You can be left struggling to provide basics for your kids during your custody time which made my kids scared and angry at the disparity from their former life and their other home. It is increasingly difficult to get a foothold back in the working world in midlife.

Best to all in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A point that is missing from the discussion is that those of more modest means likely do not have the assets for a prolonged battle in family court. Wealthy men do, have often done quite a bit of pre-planning and hiding assets and many may be high powered attorneys themselves.

Working gives women a means of supporting themselves and their children if need be. What can seem like a lot of money and a "solid" marriage can all vanish quickly. You may be shocked and taken by surprise. A spouse that is "at the office" or travelling and away from the family much of hte time can become progressively disengaged, disenchanted and ripe for an affair and I had no idea.

Ime, to shift guilt from a workplace affair, I became an object of contempt/scorn and custody schedules and delaying tactics were used to break me down emotionally and financially so that I accepted far less in a settlement than I had ever imagined. Someone I had thought of as of good character and protective of our child with mild SN went scorched earth and did not provide funds to continue beneficial therapies, for example. I had not worked in several years, had an out of date network and was hard pressed to pay a comparable lawyer as every delaying tactic in the book was used.

I do think the gulf got greater as ex stopped seeing me as a peer, which I had been when we met. When a midlife crisis hit, I was just a drudge, not exciting and a go getter. Any foothold in the working world and the financial independence and networks that come with it help maintain certain balances. I never thought it could happen to me and my kids but assets can be hidden very easily and without a lot of money for forensic accountants, they cannot be recovered. Orders are often not enforced re: things like insurance beneficiaries. You can be left struggling to provide basics for your kids during your custody time which made my kids scared and angry at the disparity from their former life and their other home. It is increasingly difficult to get a foothold back in the working world in midlife.

Best to all in this situation.

Sounds like the money and prestige is not worth it. Why would anyone put up with that? I’d rather have much less, a good marriage and my dignity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's not forget that people die unexpectedly all the time. Life insurance won't last forever, especially if you have kids.

Also, people get fired.

I work so that I can be a backstop if either of these things happen to my husband.

There is social security, life insurance- we have employer and private and we have an annuity on a small pension plus health care. You have to plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is a magnet. Men that are high earners like that (no matter what they look like)?have endless options and end up feeling entitled to do what they want.

Over time, by middle age, he will cheat. Women at the office will be throwing it at him.

At the office, while travelling, etc.

He may move on with an AP and create another family.

You have no real idea or control over what your DH may do, OP. The vast majority of divorced spouses thought very pie in the sky like you, once upon a time. Your financial projections are not grounded in reality. Speak to a financial planner re: how to protect yourself and see how your DH reacts. Know his reaction may be different in a year or 5.

Over time you will have less and less in common as the vast majority of his time will be spent in the office.

You are not only taking financial risks with yourself but with your kids and their future as well.

Women cheat too, move in with the ap and ex has to support them via allimonry. It goes both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's not forget that people die unexpectedly all the time. Life insurance won't last forever, especially if you have kids.

Also, people get fired.

I work so that I can be a backstop if either of these things happen to my husband.

There is social security, life insurance- we have employer and private and we have an annuity on a small pension plus health care. You have to plan.

Are you serious, social security for an exW of a law partner ??? His employer insurance is not the same as hers. Read above

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A point that is missing from the discussion is that those of more modest means likely do not have the assets for a prolonged battle in family court. Wealthy men do, have often done quite a bit of pre-planning and hiding assets and many may be high powered attorneys themselves.

Working gives women a means of supporting themselves and their children if need be. What can seem like a lot of money and a "solid" marriage can all vanish quickly. You may be shocked and taken by surprise. A spouse that is "at the office" or travelling and away from the family much of hte time can become progressively disengaged, disenchanted and ripe for an affair and I had no idea.

Ime, to shift guilt from a workplace affair, I became an object of contempt/scorn and custody schedules and delaying tactics were used to break me down emotionally and financially so that I accepted far less in a settlement than I had ever imagined. Someone I had thought of as of good character and protective of our child with mild SN went scorched earth and did not provide funds to continue beneficial therapies, for example. I had not worked in several years, had an out of date network and was hard pressed to pay a comparable lawyer as every delaying tactic in the book was used.

I do think the gulf got greater as ex stopped seeing me as a peer, which I had been when we met. When a midlife crisis hit, I was just a drudge, not exciting and a go getter. Any foothold in the working world and the financial independence and networks that come with it help maintain certain balances. I never thought it could happen to me and my kids but assets can be hidden very easily and without a lot of money for forensic accountants, they cannot be recovered. Orders are often not enforced re: things like insurance beneficiaries. You can be left struggling to provide basics for your kids during your custody time which made my kids scared and angry at the disparity from their former life and their other home. It is increasingly difficult to get a foothold back in the working world in midlife.

Best to all in this situation.

Sounds like the money and prestige is not worth it. Why would anyone put up with that? I’d rather have much less, a good marriage and my dignity.

I am not the PP but someone whose marriage fell apart by exact same scenario. Yes, an equal earner man who is an equal contributor into your kids life and household is what I would rather take. I was a long legged asset walking around someone’s pool, wasting my youth. But I no longer have a second chance.