Blindsided by in-laws inviting random cousin to Thanksgiving gathering?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve reread and I think it’s understandable that OP would ask in-laws for a heads up so they could avoid the other family for the other family’s benefit. Better to not attend if it makes the non-sexual predator uncomfortable, understandably. I think that’s the least OP can do, to steer DH away from attending these events. Not sure if this is OP’s mindset given the rest of the info that seems to excuse DH, but if it is, then it’s a good idea.

As has repeatedly said . It's fine if you want to ask

The onus is on you and yourr husband to ask.

It's not your place to request a heads up for every event for the family.

It wasn't your place to confront Mail at Thanksgiving because she didn't get your approval

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve reread and I think it’s understandable that OP would ask in-laws for a heads up so they could avoid the other family for the other family’s benefit. Better to not attend if it makes the non-sexual predator uncomfortable, understandably. I think that’s the least OP can do, to steer DH away from attending these events. Not sure if this is OP’s mindset given the rest of the info that seems to excuse DH, but if it is, then it’s a good idea.

But do you think that, after already appearing at a family TG and the relative being there, OP should have confronted the hosts about it without first talking to her DH to get his view?

Again you use the word "confronted," and again that's not what OP said she did. Again, OP wrote, "I brought this up to my in-laws and told them specifically that if if this cousin was ever invited to another family function to tell us so we could make other plans...."

We don't know why OP didn't ask her husband. Maybe OP doesn't trust her husband's social IQ on this and wants to spare everybody involved. Who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

Your in laws can invite whoever they hell they want and they don't have to clear it with you or give you a heads up first. Hope that clears everything up for you.

I hope you inform anyone who comes to your house that they themselves or their daughters are at risk for being filmed and or groomed by your husband.

You need to dial back the drama. Her inlaws don't have to tell her who's coming, but it would be courteous and something thoughtful people would do. And as long as OP doesn't leave her DH alone with women or girls, why does she need to put a sign up in her hallway warning guests.

You must have lost your mind thinking you can tell me or anyone how they can address op.

In laws don't owe her or her DH anything out our courtesy or anything else.


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She's free to ask if they are inviting anyone who may remind her that her husband is a sex offender.


Op might want to put up a sign in the bathroom since her husband likes to film intimate places. Give guests a heads up they might be being filmed

You know, it's pretty clear that the relationship between OP's family and her husband's parents is at least cordial enough that they are invited to Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is not outside the realm of what is socially normal and expected to review who is attending those events with guests, either in conversation (e.g., "oh Jack called, he'll be in Fresno over Thanksgiving so we invited him and he'll be joining") or intentionally because of "the situation" (e.g., "We wanted to let you know that Jack will be coming to Thanksgiving this year - he's in the area and we're happy to have him. Please let us know if this changes your plans.")

I agree that you need to dial back the drama. This isn't your life.

Sockpuppeting is pathetic

Ask the moderator. I'm one of the two people in this side-convo.

Op, the only drama here is what you have created. First by marrying a predator which you are in denial about.

Then by thinking it's appropriate to confront your in laws. You're free to ask for a guest list. You're not free to demand they call you ahead of time or to anyway act like you and your DH are victims.
The victims are the women and teen he filmed and the cousin he wrote to.
The reality is your husband is very likely to reoffens. And pretending like it's drama that it's likely he has or will install a camera in your bathroom is burying your head in the sand.

I'm not OP. And, PP and I aren't sock-puppeting each other. What's wrong with you?

No you just have an overwhelming need to defend her and her husband.🙄.

To recap:

1. It was not appropriate to confront your MIL at Thanksgiving dinner. Your husband actually agrees with this.

2. You cannot demand your in-laws give you a heads up for every gathering.

3. You can ask ahead of each visit if there might be guests attending that make you uncomfortable.

4. You and your husband are not victims. He is living the consequences of his egregious crimes.

5. Your husband likely to repeat. You can't downplay this as drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve reread and I think it’s understandable that OP would ask in-laws for a heads up so they could avoid the other family for the other family’s benefit. Better to not attend if it makes the non-sexual predator uncomfortable, understandably. I think that’s the least OP can do, to steer DH away from attending these events. Not sure if this is OP’s mindset given the rest of the info that seems to excuse DH, but if it is, then it’s a good idea.

As has repeatedly said . It's fine if you want to ask

The onus is on you and yourr husband to ask.

It's not your place to request a heads up for every event for the family.

It wasn't your place to confront Mail at Thanksgiving because she didn't get your approval

Again, I'm not OP. Ask the moderator. (What's wrong with you?)

Again, OP didn't "confront" MIL, she wrote that she just "brought this up..." (What's wrong with you?)

Again, OP didn't ask for "approval" over the guest list. You made that up. (What's wrong with you?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

Your in laws can invite whoever they hell they want and they don't have to clear it with you or give you a heads up first. Hope that clears everything up for you.

I hope you inform anyone who comes to your house that they themselves or their daughters are at risk for being filmed and or groomed by your husband.

You need to dial back the drama. Her inlaws don't have to tell her who's coming, but it would be courteous and something thoughtful people would do. And as long as OP doesn't leave her DH alone with women or girls, why does she need to put a sign up in her hallway warning guests.

You must have lost your mind thinking you can tell me or anyone how they can address op.

In laws don't owe her or her DH anything out our courtesy or anything else.


.
She's free to ask if they are inviting anyone who may remind her that her husband is a sex offender.


Op might want to put up a sign in the bathroom since her husband likes to film intimate places. Give guests a heads up they might be being filmed

You know, it's pretty clear that the relationship between OP's family and her husband's parents is at least cordial enough that they are invited to Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is not outside the realm of what is socially normal and expected to review who is attending those events with guests, either in conversation (e.g., "oh Jack called, he'll be in Fresno over Thanksgiving so we invited him and he'll be joining") or intentionally because of "the situation" (e.g., "We wanted to let you know that Jack will be coming to Thanksgiving this year - he's in the area and we're happy to have him. Please let us know if this changes your plans.")

I agree that you need to dial back the drama. This isn't your life.

Sockpuppeting is pathetic

Ask the moderator. I'm one of the two people in this side-convo.

Op, the only drama here is what you have created. First by marrying a predator which you are in denial about.

Then by thinking it's appropriate to confront your in laws. You're free to ask for a guest list. You're not free to demand they call you ahead of time or to anyway act like you and your DH are victims.
The victims are the women and teen he filmed and the cousin he wrote to.
The reality is your husband is very likely to reoffens. And pretending like it's drama that it's likely he has or will install a camera in your bathroom is burying your head in the sand.

I'm not OP. And, PP and I aren't sock-puppeting each other. What's wrong with you?

No you just have an overwhelming need to defend her and her husband.🙄.

To recap:

1. It was not appropriate to confront your MIL at Thanksgiving dinner. Your husband actually agrees with this.

2. You cannot demand your in-laws give you a heads up for every gathering.

3. You can ask ahead of each visit if there might be guests attending that make you uncomfortable.

4. You and your husband are not victims. He is living the consequences of his egregious crimes.

5. Your husband likely to repeat. You can't downplay this as drama.

FFS. You have a creative dramatic bent, let's put it that way. Are you a troll?

I am not OP (ask the moderator). I never defended OP's husband, and I think he richly deserves the pariah status he apparently has. I think OP has her head in the sand about her husband's actions and future risks.

Why are you lying about me?

BUT, it's impossible to understand why you think OP can't even ask for a heads up about the future guest lists. That's just cruelty on your part. But, it goes hand-in-hand with your lies about me.

[Anonymous]

I’m the other PP who was accused of sockpuppeting, which again, I was not doing. I’m not the OP - she has clearly identified herself each time she posts, confirmed by Jeff. You can stop addressing anyone who disagrees with your specific interpretation of what should have happened here as though they are the OP. I am most certainly not - I posted earlier as as a former CPS investigator. I see a lot of red flags here, but it sounds like they were investigated thoroughly enough that the only crime that involved a minor was an older teenager. If there were other crimes involving young children, that would likely have come to light in the investigation. The family sounds like it has moved on, except maybe OP, who should examine her own reaction to this situation in therapy, as I said a couple times 5 pages ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve reread and I think it’s understandable that OP would ask in-laws for a heads up so they could avoid the other family for the other family’s benefit. Better to not attend if it makes the non-sexual predator uncomfortable, understandably. I think that’s the least OP can do, to steer DH away from attending these events. Not sure if this is OP’s mindset given the rest of the info that seems to excuse DH, but if it is, then it’s a good idea.

But do you think that, after already appearing at a family TG and the relative being there, OP should have confronted the hosts about it without first talking to her DH to get his view?

Again you use the word "confronted," and again that's not what OP said she did. Again, OP wrote, "I brought this up to my in-laws and told them specifically that if if this cousin was ever invited to another family function to tell us so we could make other plans...."

We don't know why OP didn't ask her husband. Maybe OP doesn't trust her husband's social IQ on this and wants to spare everybody involved. Who knows.

Sub “confronted” with “brought it up.” Same question.

[Anonymous]

Maybe OP is concerned about her DH being around these cousins because of the chance they make more “unfounded” accusations. For all we know, the penpal letters might truly have been fine, but maybe the cousin didn’t like the situation because of the DH’s upskirt history. And the cousin reported DH’s criminal history to the school where he was he was employed and got him fired (which is odd—how did the school not run a background check? Why did the parol officer not find him in violation of his parol terms if it was a problem?). The DH clearly did something wrong with the photos but it’s hard to know if that intent extended to the girl cousin. OP can’t seem to be objective about what her DH did and how others in the family may view it—rightly or wrongly. Because she can’t be objective, she views the accusations as unfounded which might lead to concerns about more accusations if they see the cousins or maybe there’s some lingering anger toward the cousin and OP doesn’t want to be around them. Regardless, this is DH’s call to make and OP shouldn’t have gone to the in-laws asking for a heads up in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve reread and I think it’s understandable that OP would ask in-laws for a heads up so they could avoid the other family for the other family’s benefit. Better to not attend if it makes the non-sexual predator uncomfortable, understandably. I think that’s the least OP can do, to steer DH away from attending these events. Not sure if this is OP’s mindset given the rest of the info that seems to excuse DH, but if it is, then it’s a good idea.

But do you think that, after already appearing at a family TG and the relative being there, OP should have confronted the hosts about it without first talking to her DH to get his view?

Again you use the word "confronted," and again that's not what OP said she did. Again, OP wrote, "I brought this up to my in-laws and told them specifically that if if this cousin was ever invited to another family function to tell us so we could make other plans...."

We don't know why OP didn't ask her husband. Maybe OP doesn't trust her husband's social IQ on this and wants to spare everybody involved. Who knows.

I regret using the word confronted.

Let’s say OP raised the issue in the best possible way one could raise the issue, given:

1. DH, the cousin, and OP’s kids are already at the same location.
2. It is during of a family TG celebration and others are present.
3. OP did not choose to either discreetly leave the situation OR discuss with her DH how to proceed.

There was absolutely nothing to be gained from engaging at that time, particularly without talking to her DH.

OP was wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve reread and I think it’s understandable that OP would ask in-laws for a heads up so they could avoid the other family for the other family’s benefit. Better to not attend if it makes the non-sexual predator uncomfortable, understandably. I think that’s the least OP can do, to steer DH away from attending these events. Not sure if this is OP’s mindset given the rest of the info that seems to excuse DH, but if it is, then it’s a good idea.

But do you think that, after already appearing at a family TG and the relative being there, OP should have confronted the hosts about it without first talking to her DH to get his view?

Again you use the word "confronted," and again that's not what OP said she did. Again, OP wrote, "I brought this up to my in-laws and told them specifically that if if this cousin was ever invited to another family function to tell us so we could make other plans...."

We don't know why OP didn't ask her husband. Maybe OP doesn't trust her husband's social IQ on this and wants to spare everybody involved. Who knows.

I regret using the word confronted.

Let’s say OP raised the issue in the best possible way one could raise the issue, given:

1. DH, the cousin, and OP’s kids are already at the same location.
2. It is during of a family TG celebration and others are present.
3. OP did not choose to either discreetly leave the situation OR discuss with her DH how to proceed.

There was absolutely nothing to be gained from engaging at that time, particularly without talking to her DH.

OP was wrong.

So it's come to this, back to the original question OP asked: was she right or wrong to talk to her inlaws about future events during Thanksgiving itself. (After all the shouting, it seems like we all agree OP's husband probably deserved the likely incarceration and that OP has her head in the sand. OP is running a lot of interference for her husband, presumably to protect her kids.)

Frankly, if I were OP, I wouldn't trust this husband to navigate social or family gatherings. I'd take this on myself, without consulting him.

Also, there was no way to "discreetly leave." Are you thinking OP could have bundled up her husband and kids and just left, without raising eyebrows?

I disagree she was wrong to do this now. Some conversations are best had in person.

But, I can see other opinions on all this.

[Anonymous]

Wait... so your husband just committed these crimes 10 years ago, your kids are aged 6 and 9, and you separated for a year to reconcile before getting married? 🤔

[Anonymous]

Maybe OPs husband doesn't mind the situation because he thinks he can use it to manipulate the other cousin to convince him he's changed. I have no doubt that OP doesn't trust that her husband is well. She knows that he isn't. So she's trying to make sure he avoids people that he previously victimized only to not see he might be grooming someone else including his own children.

[Anonymous]

I am so confused why the husband thinks he is going to be able to reconnect with this cousin??? Does the cousin want anything to do with this guy???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait... so your husband just committed these crimes 10 years ago, your kids are aged 6 and 9, and you separated for a year to reconcile before getting married? 🤔

Good catch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so confused why the husband thinks he is going to be able to reconnect with this cousin??? Does the cousin want anything to do with this guy???

Probably not, but relatives are getting older and won’t be around forever and the cousin is tired of missing out on being part of the family because the pervert who groomed his sister is around. He seems willing to let it go as the rest of the family has for the sake of spending time with relatives.