Blindsided by in-laws inviting random cousin to Thanksgiving gathering?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

Your in laws can invite whoever they hell they want and they don't have to clear it with you or give you a heads up first. Hope that clears everything up for you.

I hope you inform anyone who comes to your house that they themselves or their daughters are at risk for being filmed and or groomed by your husband.

You need to dial back the drama. Her inlaws don't have to tell her who's coming, but it would be courteous and something thoughtful people would do. And as long as OP doesn't leave her DH alone with women or girls, why does she need to put a sign up in her hallway warning guests.

You must have lost your mind thinking you can tell me or anyone how they can address op.

In laws don't owe her or her DH anything out our courtesy or anything else.


.
She's free to ask if they are inviting anyone who may remind her that her husband is a sex offender.


Op might want to put up a sign in the bathroom since her husband likes to film intimate places. Give guests a heads up they might be being filmed

You know, it's pretty clear that the relationship between OP's family and her husband's parents is at least cordial enough that they are invited to Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is not outside the realm of what is socially normal and expected to review who is attending those events with guests, either in conversation (e.g., "oh Jack called, he'll be in Fresno over Thanksgiving so we invited him and he'll be joining") or intentionally because of "the situation" (e.g., "We wanted to let you know that Jack will be coming to Thanksgiving this year - he's in the area and we're happy to have him. Please let us know if this changes your plans.")

I agree that you need to dial back the drama. This isn't your life.

Sockpuppeting is pathetic

Not a sock puppet. You can ask. That line of reasoning is rhetorically weak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

Your in laws can invite whoever they hell they want and they don't have to clear it with you or give you a heads up first. Hope that clears everything up for you.

I hope you inform anyone who comes to your house that they themselves or their daughters are at risk for being filmed and or groomed by your husband.

You need to dial back the drama. Her inlaws don't have to tell her who's coming, but it would be courteous and something thoughtful people would do. And as long as OP doesn't leave her DH alone with women or girls, why does she need to put a sign up in her hallway warning guests.

You must have lost your mind thinking you can tell me or anyone how they can address op.

In laws don't owe her or her DH anything out our courtesy or anything else.


.
She's free to ask if they are inviting anyone who may remind her that her husband is a sex offender.


Op might want to put up a sign in the bathroom since her husband likes to film intimate places. Give guests a heads up they might be being filmed

You know, it's pretty clear that the relationship between OP's family and her husband's parents is at least cordial enough that they are invited to Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is not outside the realm of what is socially normal and expected to review who is attending those events with guests, either in conversation (e.g., "oh Jack called, he'll be in Fresno over Thanksgiving so we invited him and he'll be joining") or intentionally because of "the situation" (e.g., "We wanted to let you know that Jack will be coming to Thanksgiving this year - he's in the area and we're happy to have him. Please let us know if this changes your plans.")

I agree that you need to dial back the drama. This isn't your life.

Sockpuppeting is pathetic

Ask the moderator. I'm one of the two people in this side-convo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

Your in laws can invite whoever they hell they want and they don't have to clear it with you or give you a heads up first. Hope that clears everything up for you.

I hope you inform anyone who comes to your house that they themselves or their daughters are at risk for being filmed and or groomed by your husband.

You need to dial back the drama. Her inlaws don't have to tell her who's coming, but it would be courteous and something thoughtful people would do. And as long as OP doesn't leave her DH alone with women or girls, why does she need to put a sign up in her hallway warning guests.

You must have lost your mind thinking you can tell me or anyone how they can address op.

In laws don't owe her or her DH anything out our courtesy or anything else.


.
She's free to ask if they are inviting anyone who may remind her that her husband is a sex offender.


Op might want to put up a sign in the bathroom since her husband likes to film intimate places. Give guests a heads up they might be being filmed

You know, it's pretty clear that the relationship between OP's family and her husband's parents is at least cordial enough that they are invited to Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is not outside the realm of what is socially normal and expected to review who is attending those events with guests, either in conversation (e.g., "oh Jack called, he'll be in Fresno over Thanksgiving so we invited him and he'll be joining") or intentionally because of "the situation" (e.g., "We wanted to let you know that Jack will be coming to Thanksgiving this year - he's in the area and we're happy to have him. Please let us know if this changes your plans.")

I agree that you need to dial back the drama. This isn't your life.

+1. Yes, OP's husband is going to have to accept pariah status in his work and social life--and with cause. But consigning the entire family to the dustheap of familial relations, to the point where they're not even allowed to know simple things like who else is coming to Thanksgiving, seems deliberately cruel.

Why is it cruel? They said, cousin is invited to any event. So, they let them know that moving forward cousin can be expected at family events. It wasn't unclear to me. Unless the intent by OP was to attempt to manipulate and gain control. It isnt her event, it isn't her guest list and cousin is on the guest list. She can reach out to said cousin to find out which events he's attending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

Your in laws can invite whoever they hell they want and they don't have to clear it with you or give you a heads up first. Hope that clears everything up for you.

I hope you inform anyone who comes to your house that they themselves or their daughters are at risk for being filmed and or groomed by your husband.

You need to dial back the drama. Her inlaws don't have to tell her who's coming, but it would be courteous and something thoughtful people would do. And as long as OP doesn't leave her DH alone with women or girls, why does she need to put a sign up in her hallway warning guests.

You must have lost your mind thinking you can tell me or anyone how they can address op.

In laws don't owe her or her DH anything out our courtesy or anything else.


.
She's free to ask if they are inviting anyone who may remind her that her husband is a sex offender.


Op might want to put up a sign in the bathroom since her husband likes to film intimate places. Give guests a heads up they might be being filmed

You know, it's pretty clear that the relationship between OP's family and her husband's parents is at least cordial enough that they are invited to Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is not outside the realm of what is socially normal and expected to review who is attending those events with guests, either in conversation (e.g., "oh Jack called, he'll be in Fresno over Thanksgiving so we invited him and he'll be joining") or intentionally because of "the situation" (e.g., "We wanted to let you know that Jack will be coming to Thanksgiving this year - he's in the area and we're happy to have him. Please let us know if this changes your plans.")

I agree that you need to dial back the drama. This isn't your life.

+1. Yes, OP's husband is going to have to accept pariah status in his work and social life--and with cause. But consigning the entire family to the dustheap of familial relations, to the point where they're not even allowed to know simple things like who else is coming to Thanksgiving, seems deliberately cruel.

Why is it cruel? They said, cousin is invited to any event. So, they let them know that moving forward cousin can be expected at family events. It wasn't unclear to me. Unless the intent by OP was to attempt to manipulate and gain control. It isnt her event, it isn't her guest list and cousin is on the guest list. She can reach out to said cousin to find out which events he's attending.

The argument was that OP had no right to ask or to expect an answer. That's cruel.

Nobody is saying OP wants to control the guest list, so you can stop with that already. She just wants to know who's coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

Your in laws can invite whoever they hell they want and they don't have to clear it with you or give you a heads up first. Hope that clears everything up for you.

I hope you inform anyone who comes to your house that they themselves or their daughters are at risk for being filmed and or groomed by your husband.

You need to dial back the drama. Her inlaws don't have to tell her who's coming, but it would be courteous and something thoughtful people would do. And as long as OP doesn't leave her DH alone with women or girls, why does she need to put a sign up in her hallway warning guests.

You must have lost your mind thinking you can tell me or anyone how they can address op.

In laws don't owe her or her DH anything out our courtesy or anything else.


.
She's free to ask if they are inviting anyone who may remind her that her husband is a sex offender.


Op might want to put up a sign in the bathroom since her husband likes to film intimate places. Give guests a heads up they might be being filmed

You know, it's pretty clear that the relationship between OP's family and her husband's parents is at least cordial enough that they are invited to Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is not outside the realm of what is socially normal and expected to review who is attending those events with guests, either in conversation (e.g., "oh Jack called, he'll be in Fresno over Thanksgiving so we invited him and he'll be joining") or intentionally because of "the situation" (e.g., "We wanted to let you know that Jack will be coming to Thanksgiving this year - he's in the area and we're happy to have him. Please let us know if this changes your plans.")

I agree that you need to dial back the drama. This isn't your life.

Sockpuppeting is pathetic

Ask the moderator. I'm one of the two people in this side-convo.

Op, the only drama here is what you have created. First by marrying a predator which you are in denial about.

Then by thinking it's appropriate to confront your in laws. You're free to ask for a guest list. You're not free to demand they call you ahead of time or to anyway act like you and your DH are victims.
The victims are the women and teen he filmed and the cousin he wrote to.
The reality is your husband is very likely to reoffens. And pretending like it's drama that it's likely he has or will install a camera in your bathroom is burying your head in the sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

Your in laws can invite whoever they hell they want and they don't have to clear it with you or give you a heads up first. Hope that clears everything up for you.

I hope you inform anyone who comes to your house that they themselves or their daughters are at risk for being filmed and or groomed by your husband.

You need to dial back the drama. Her inlaws don't have to tell her who's coming, but it would be courteous and something thoughtful people would do. And as long as OP doesn't leave her DH alone with women or girls, why does she need to put a sign up in her hallway warning guests.

You must have lost your mind thinking you can tell me or anyone how they can address op.

In laws don't owe her or her DH anything out our courtesy or anything else.


.
She's free to ask if they are inviting anyone who may remind her that her husband is a sex offender.


Op might want to put up a sign in the bathroom since her husband likes to film intimate places. Give guests a heads up they might be being filmed

You know, it's pretty clear that the relationship between OP's family and her husband's parents is at least cordial enough that they are invited to Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is not outside the realm of what is socially normal and expected to review who is attending those events with guests, either in conversation (e.g., "oh Jack called, he'll be in Fresno over Thanksgiving so we invited him and he'll be joining") or intentionally because of "the situation" (e.g., "We wanted to let you know that Jack will be coming to Thanksgiving this year - he's in the area and we're happy to have him. Please let us know if this changes your plans.")

I agree that you need to dial back the drama. This isn't your life.

+1. Yes, OP's husband is going to have to accept pariah status in his work and social life--and with cause. But consigning the entire family to the dustheap of familial relations, to the point where they're not even allowed to know simple things like who else is coming to Thanksgiving, seems deliberately cruel.

That seems a bit overblown, no? They are INVITED to these events, aren't they? If you typically attended a large family TG of 30 or more and a new relative showed up one year, would you think you had been "consigned to the dustheap"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

Your in laws can invite whoever they hell they want and they don't have to clear it with you or give you a heads up first. Hope that clears everything up for you.

I hope you inform anyone who comes to your house that they themselves or their daughters are at risk for being filmed and or groomed by your husband.

You need to dial back the drama. Her inlaws don't have to tell her who's coming, but it would be courteous and something thoughtful people would do. And as long as OP doesn't leave her DH alone with women or girls, why does she need to put a sign up in her hallway warning guests.

You must have lost your mind thinking you can tell me or anyone how they can address op.

In laws don't owe her or her DH anything out our courtesy or anything else.


.
She's free to ask if they are inviting anyone who may remind her that her husband is a sex offender.


Op might want to put up a sign in the bathroom since her husband likes to film intimate places. Give guests a heads up they might be being filmed

You know, it's pretty clear that the relationship between OP's family and her husband's parents is at least cordial enough that they are invited to Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is not outside the realm of what is socially normal and expected to review who is attending those events with guests, either in conversation (e.g., "oh Jack called, he'll be in Fresno over Thanksgiving so we invited him and he'll be joining") or intentionally because of "the situation" (e.g., "We wanted to let you know that Jack will be coming to Thanksgiving this year - he's in the area and we're happy to have him. Please let us know if this changes your plans.")

I agree that you need to dial back the drama. This isn't your life.

Sockpuppeting is pathetic

Ask the moderator. I'm one of the two people in this side-convo.

Op, the only drama here is what you have created. First by marrying a predator which you are in denial about.

Then by thinking it's appropriate to confront your in laws. You're free to ask for a guest list. You're not free to demand they call you ahead of time or to anyway act like you and your DH are victims.
The victims are the women and teen he filmed and the cousin he wrote to.
The reality is your husband is very likely to reoffens. And pretending like it's drama that it's likely he has or will install a camera in your bathroom is burying your head in the sand.

I'm not OP. And, PP and I aren't sock-puppeting each other. What's wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

Your in laws can invite whoever they hell they want and they don't have to clear it with you or give you a heads up first. Hope that clears everything up for you.

I hope you inform anyone who comes to your house that they themselves or their daughters are at risk for being filmed and or groomed by your husband.

You need to dial back the drama. Her inlaws don't have to tell her who's coming, but it would be courteous and something thoughtful people would do. And as long as OP doesn't leave her DH alone with women or girls, why does she need to put a sign up in her hallway warning guests.

You must have lost your mind thinking you can tell me or anyone how they can address op.

In laws don't owe her or her DH anything out our courtesy or anything else.


.
She's free to ask if they are inviting anyone who may remind her that her husband is a sex offender.


Op might want to put up a sign in the bathroom since her husband likes to film intimate places. Give guests a heads up they might be being filmed

You know, it's pretty clear that the relationship between OP's family and her husband's parents is at least cordial enough that they are invited to Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is not outside the realm of what is socially normal and expected to review who is attending those events with guests, either in conversation (e.g., "oh Jack called, he'll be in Fresno over Thanksgiving so we invited him and he'll be joining") or intentionally because of "the situation" (e.g., "We wanted to let you know that Jack will be coming to Thanksgiving this year - he's in the area and we're happy to have him. Please let us know if this changes your plans.")

I agree that you need to dial back the drama. This isn't your life.

+1. Yes, OP's husband is going to have to accept pariah status in his work and social life--and with cause. But consigning the entire family to the dustheap of familial relations, to the point where they're not even allowed to know simple things like who else is coming to Thanksgiving, seems deliberately cruel.

Why is it cruel? They said, cousin is invited to any event. So, they let them know that moving forward cousin can be expected at family events. It wasn't unclear to me. Unless the intent by OP was to attempt to manipulate and gain control. It isnt her event, it isn't her guest list and cousin is on the guest list. She can reach out to said cousin to find out which events he's attending.

The argument was that OP had no right to ask or to expect an answer. That's cruel.

Nobody is saying OP wants to control the guest list, so you can stop with that already. She just wants to know who's coming.

No the argument was that you and your husband have no right to confront your in laws as if you are victims. You have no right to have them call ahead and clear the list with you.
That is not cruelty. Again your husband is not a victim. What is cruel is destroying someone's sense of safety and privacy by filming them without consent and then sharing that content online.
You are welcome to ask. No one said you couldn't.

You are wrong to confront your MIL and even your husband sees that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

Your in laws can invite whoever they hell they want and they don't have to clear it with you or give you a heads up first. Hope that clears everything up for you.

I hope you inform anyone who comes to your house that they themselves or their daughters are at risk for being filmed and or groomed by your husband.

You need to dial back the drama. Her inlaws don't have to tell her who's coming, but it would be courteous and something thoughtful people would do. And as long as OP doesn't leave her DH alone with women or girls, why does she need to put a sign up in her hallway warning guests.

You must have lost your mind thinking you can tell me or anyone how they can address op.

In laws don't owe her or her DH anything out our courtesy or anything else.


.
She's free to ask if they are inviting anyone who may remind her that her husband is a sex offender.


Op might want to put up a sign in the bathroom since her husband likes to film intimate places. Give guests a heads up they might be being filmed

You know, it's pretty clear that the relationship between OP's family and her husband's parents is at least cordial enough that they are invited to Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is not outside the realm of what is socially normal and expected to review who is attending those events with guests, either in conversation (e.g., "oh Jack called, he'll be in Fresno over Thanksgiving so we invited him and he'll be joining") or intentionally because of "the situation" (e.g., "We wanted to let you know that Jack will be coming to Thanksgiving this year - he's in the area and we're happy to have him. Please let us know if this changes your plans.")

I agree that you need to dial back the drama. This isn't your life.

+1. Yes, OP's husband is going to have to accept pariah status in his work and social life--and with cause. But consigning the entire family to the dustheap of familial relations, to the point where they're not even allowed to know simple things like who else is coming to Thanksgiving, seems deliberately cruel.

That seems a bit overblown, no? They are INVITED to these events, aren't they? If you typically attended a large family TG of 30 or more and a new relative showed up one year, would you think you had been "consigned to the dustheap"?

You're deliberately misunderstanding. The argument is that they have no right to ask who else is coming, let alone get a heads-up from the hosts. If they aren't entitled to even basic courtesies, then, yes, they're on the dustheap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

Your in laws can invite whoever they hell they want and they don't have to clear it with you or give you a heads up first. Hope that clears everything up for you.

I hope you inform anyone who comes to your house that they themselves or their daughters are at risk for being filmed and or groomed by your husband.

You need to dial back the drama. Her inlaws don't have to tell her who's coming, but it would be courteous and something thoughtful people would do. And as long as OP doesn't leave her DH alone with women or girls, why does she need to put a sign up in her hallway warning guests.

You must have lost your mind thinking you can tell me or anyone how they can address op.

In laws don't owe her or her DH anything out our courtesy or anything else.


.
She's free to ask if they are inviting anyone who may remind her that her husband is a sex offender.


Op might want to put up a sign in the bathroom since her husband likes to film intimate places. Give guests a heads up they might be being filmed

You know, it's pretty clear that the relationship between OP's family and her husband's parents is at least cordial enough that they are invited to Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is not outside the realm of what is socially normal and expected to review who is attending those events with guests, either in conversation (e.g., "oh Jack called, he'll be in Fresno over Thanksgiving so we invited him and he'll be joining") or intentionally because of "the situation" (e.g., "We wanted to let you know that Jack will be coming to Thanksgiving this year - he's in the area and we're happy to have him. Please let us know if this changes your plans.")

I agree that you need to dial back the drama. This isn't your life.

+1. Yes, OP's husband is going to have to accept pariah status in his work and social life--and with cause. But consigning the entire family to the dustheap of familial relations, to the point where they're not even allowed to know simple things like who else is coming to Thanksgiving, seems deliberately cruel.

Why is it cruel? They said, cousin is invited to any event. So, they let them know that moving forward cousin can be expected at family events. It wasn't unclear to me. Unless the intent by OP was to attempt to manipulate and gain control. It isnt her event, it isn't her guest list and cousin is on the guest list. She can reach out to said cousin to find out which events he's attending.

The argument was that OP had no right to ask or to expect an answer. That's cruel.

Nobody is saying OP wants to control the guest list, so you can stop with that already. She just wants to know who's coming.

No the argument was that you and your husband have no right to confront your in laws as if you are victims. You have no right to have them call ahead and clear the list with you.
That is not cruelty. Again your husband is not a victim. What is cruel is destroying someone's sense of safety and privacy by filming them without consent and then sharing that content online.
You are welcome to ask. No one said you couldn't.

You are wrong to confront your MIL and even your husband sees that.

I'm not OP and you're certifiable. Ask the moderator.

OP didn't "confront" the inlaws, that's simply untrue. OP isn't asking to "clear the list" of invitees with the hosts, that's simply untrue. Neither I nor anybody else said OP's husband is the "victim" here, that's simply untrue. All OP wants is to know is who's coming, and some of you have indeed said she has no right to even ask.

Do you act like this in all your relationships?

[Anonymous]

I’ve reread and I think it’s understandable that OP would ask in-laws for a heads up so they could avoid the other family for the other family’s benefit. Better to not attend if it makes the non-sexual predator uncomfortable, understandably. I think that’s the least OP can do, to steer DH away from attending these events. Not sure if this is OP’s mindset given the rest of the info that seems to excuse DH, but if it is, then it’s a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

Your in laws can invite whoever they hell they want and they don't have to clear it with you or give you a heads up first. Hope that clears everything up for you.

I hope you inform anyone who comes to your house that they themselves or their daughters are at risk for being filmed and or groomed by your husband.

You need to dial back the drama. Her inlaws don't have to tell her who's coming, but it would be courteous and something thoughtful people would do. And as long as OP doesn't leave her DH alone with women or girls, why does she need to put a sign up in her hallway warning guests.

You must have lost your mind thinking you can tell me or anyone how they can address op.

In laws don't owe her or her DH anything out our courtesy or anything else.


.
She's free to ask if they are inviting anyone who may remind her that her husband is a sex offender.


Op might want to put up a sign in the bathroom since her husband likes to film intimate places. Give guests a heads up they might be being filmed

You know, it's pretty clear that the relationship between OP's family and her husband's parents is at least cordial enough that they are invited to Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is not outside the realm of what is socially normal and expected to review who is attending those events with guests, either in conversation (e.g., "oh Jack called, he'll be in Fresno over Thanksgiving so we invited him and he'll be joining") or intentionally because of "the situation" (e.g., "We wanted to let you know that Jack will be coming to Thanksgiving this year - he's in the area and we're happy to have him. Please let us know if this changes your plans.")

I agree that you need to dial back the drama. This isn't your life.

+1. Yes, OP's husband is going to have to accept pariah status in his work and social life--and with cause. But consigning the entire family to the dustheap of familial relations, to the point where they're not even allowed to know simple things like who else is coming to Thanksgiving, seems deliberately cruel.

That seems a bit overblown, no? They are INVITED to these events, aren't they? If you typically attended a large family TG of 30 or more and a new relative showed up one year, would you think you had been "consigned to the dustheap"?

You're deliberately misunderstanding. The argument is that they have no right to ask who else is coming, let alone get a heads-up from the hosts. If they aren't entitled to even basic courtesies, then, yes, they're on the dustheap.

I am not deliberately misunderstanding, though I am potentially misunderstanding. You keep saying "the argument". Maybe one PP said they had no right to know anything or to ask. But what actually happened is that OP did not ask. She showed up and an unexpected person was there. That does not equate to cruelty or "dustheap" under any scenario, much less OPs. If you had beef with a relative over some slight years ago and they appeared at a large family gathering, would you say that the host was being cruel to you and you were consigned to the dustheap?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve reread and I think it’s understandable that OP would ask in-laws for a heads up so they could avoid the other family for the other family’s benefit. Better to not attend if it makes the non-sexual predator uncomfortable, understandably. I think that’s the least OP can do, to steer DH away from attending these events. Not sure if this is OP’s mindset given the rest of the info that seems to excuse DH, but if it is, then it’s a good idea.

But do you think that, after already appearing at a family TG and the relative being there, OP should have confronted the hosts about it without first talking to her DH to get his view?

[Anonymous]

The OP said that "random" cousins were invited and cited "unfounded" allegations.

We found out that the cousin was not random, and that the accusations had foundation. The OP's original post was ... what's the word I am looking for? Insincere, or insane, maybe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

Your in laws can invite whoever they hell they want and they don't have to clear it with you or give you a heads up first. Hope that clears everything up for you.

I hope you inform anyone who comes to your house that they themselves or their daughters are at risk for being filmed and or groomed by your husband.

You need to dial back the drama. Her inlaws don't have to tell her who's coming, but it would be courteous and something thoughtful people would do. And as long as OP doesn't leave her DH alone with women or girls, why does she need to put a sign up in her hallway warning guests.

You must have lost your mind thinking you can tell me or anyone how they can address op.

In laws don't owe her or her DH anything out our courtesy or anything else.


.
She's free to ask if they are inviting anyone who may remind her that her husband is a sex offender.


Op might want to put up a sign in the bathroom since her husband likes to film intimate places. Give guests a heads up they might be being filmed

You know, it's pretty clear that the relationship between OP's family and her husband's parents is at least cordial enough that they are invited to Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is not outside the realm of what is socially normal and expected to review who is attending those events with guests, either in conversation (e.g., "oh Jack called, he'll be in Fresno over Thanksgiving so we invited him and he'll be joining") or intentionally because of "the situation" (e.g., "We wanted to let you know that Jack will be coming to Thanksgiving this year - he's in the area and we're happy to have him. Please let us know if this changes your plans.")

I agree that you need to dial back the drama. This isn't your life.

+1. Yes, OP's husband is going to have to accept pariah status in his work and social life--and with cause. But consigning the entire family to the dustheap of familial relations, to the point where they're not even allowed to know simple things like who else is coming to Thanksgiving, seems deliberately cruel.

Why is it cruel? They said, cousin is invited to any event. So, they let them know that moving forward cousin can be expected at family events. It wasn't unclear to me. Unless the intent by OP was to attempt to manipulate and gain control. It isnt her event, it isn't her guest list and cousin is on the guest list. She can reach out to said cousin to find out which events he's attending.

The argument was that OP had no right to ask or to expect an answer. That's cruel.

Nobody is saying OP wants to control the guest list, so you can stop with that already. She just wants to know who's coming.

No the argument was that you and your husband have no right to confront your in laws as if you are victims. You have no right to have them call ahead and clear the list with you.
That is not cruelty. Again your husband is not a victim. What is cruel is destroying someone's sense of safety and privacy by filming them without consent and then sharing that content online.
You are welcome to ask. No one said you couldn't.

You are wrong to confront your MIL and even your husband sees that.

I'm not OP and you're certifiable. Ask the moderator.

OP didn't "confront" the inlaws, that's simply untrue. OP isn't asking to "clear the list" of invitees with the hosts, that's simply untrue. Neither I nor anybody else said OP's husband is the "victim" here, that's simply untrue. All OP wants is to know is who's coming, and some of you have indeed said she has no right to even ask.

Do you act like this in all your relationships?

OP did not ask ahead of time who was coming. She appeared at a large family gathering and saw someone she did not expect, and someone who made her uncomfortable. She "brought it up" during the event without talking to her husband first. She was wrong, regardless of all the sordid backstory.