Blindsided by in-laws inviting random cousin to Thanksgiving gathering?

[Anonymous]

Me, my parents, and family have gone to my in-laws thanksgiving gathering since 2009, and we generally enjoy getting together with close family. My in-laws have a large, blended family (5 adult sons) and we do generally get along with them.

This year they invited a cousin of my DH to this gathering. We really don’t have any relationship with this cousin (last time I saw him I had just met my DH, and said cousin was a tween). This cousin does not like DH based on a legal situation that DH was involved in 10 years ago, as well as some unfounded accusations said cousin/his sister have levied against DH. This dislike has spilled over into our personal life, as my DH was fired by his employer (a local school district) based on a report this cousin made to their HR department.

DH has worked really hard over the past ten years to put all of the legal issues behind him. He is a better man, and is a great dad and husband. It was a punch to the gut when this cousin walked into our in-laws’ home, and I brought this up to my in-laws and told them specifically that if if this cousin was ever invited to another family function to tell us so we could make other plans, to which they told me they would try, but that I should expect this cousin to be generally invited to future family functions as he has an open invitation to stay with them whenever. They also made it clear he would be at our Christmas gathering, so we should keep that in mind.

I don’t want to go overboard, but my in-laws know very well that this cousin has been not just unpleasant towards DH, but has levied unfounded accusations towards him. They also know that my boys (age 6 and 9) would be present, and I am trying to minimize their knowledge of DH’s past legal issues. And DH thinks I went too far, and believes it was a good chance to build a relationship with this cousin. Am I completely out of line?

[Anonymous]

What’s the question? They invited him and he’ll be there. You can choose to go or not.

Sounds like your husband did something very sketchy.

[Anonymous]

Re-read your post as if you were an uninvolved third party.
Doesn't it look to you as if the wronged person - ie, the OP's husband - should ultimately decide what level of relationship he would like to have with his cousin going forward?

[Anonymous]

You can relay to your husband what your ILs said, and then DH makes the call. He’s the one who was wronged, so this is his choice. If he wants to go along to get along, his choice. If he wants to avoid family gatherings, his choice.

Step back, OP.

[Anonymous]

First of all, weird that you refer to him as a “random” cousin. I don’t even know what you could possibly mean by that but it seems your intent is to paint him as not really part of the family, when he is.

It reads to me that you are ashamed of your husband’s “legal troubles” and don’t want to be reminded of it or for your children to find out about it.

[Anonymous]

What did DH do that resulted in legal trouble and getting fired from a school job?

Sorry, but this sounds like sexual abuse of a much younger cousin.

If that's not the story, explain. Because if you told me this exactly as you posted here, my kids would never be in the same room as your DH.

[Anonymous]

His parents, his cousin, his past, he was the target of the accusations - his call.

[Anonymous]

If your husband is ready to move on then you have to follow his lead. If it were me, I would have talked to my spouse before talking to my in laws. I also would never have given an ultimatum to them without talking to my husband. You don’t have to engage or be friendly, but you can’t cause a rift with his parents that he doesn’t want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did DH do that resulted in legal trouble and getting fired from a school job?

Sorry, but this sounds like sexual abuse of a much younger cousin.

If that's not the story, explain. Because if you told me this exactly as you posted here, my kids would never be in the same room as your DH.

+1 this clearly isn’t about DH running over the young cousin’s bike and filing a civil suit.

[Anonymous]

I think you're going out of your way to say your husband "had legal troubles" in minimizing way, but it sounds like your husband and his family of origin and extended family would like to put those troubles behind them and rebuild relationships, while you are now talking about boycotting family events.

It sounds like this cousin stood up for his sister when she made an abuse accusation. I get that it's important to you to believe that the accusation was unfounded, but that may not be the case. That your husband was fired from his job indicates that the accusation was not as unfounded as you're trying to say. If your husband wants to rebuild relationships with his family, get out of his way. It sounds like he's looking for accountability and repair and you're making excuses and denigrating his cousin.

[Anonymous]

What was the legal situation and what were the unfounded accusations? Because right now it reads that your DH abused a younger cousin.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds like a pedophile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did DH do that resulted in legal trouble and getting fired from a school job?

Sorry, but this sounds like sexual abuse of a much younger cousin.

If that's not the story, explain. Because if you told me this exactly as you posted here, my kids would never be in the same room as your DH.

+1 this clearly isn’t about DH running over the young cousin’s bike and filing a civil suit.

+2.

And how dare you say “random cousin”? This is an existing family and YOU are the “random” married-in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did DH do that resulted in legal trouble and getting fired from a school job?

Sorry, but this sounds like sexual abuse of a much younger cousin.

If that's not the story, explain. Because if you told me this exactly as you posted here, my kids would never be in the same room as your DH.

OP here: There was zero abuse.

He was charged with voyourism ten years ago. He had taken a few upskirt photos of women, including a teenager (he was not aware of this) over the course of a few years.

Said cousin accused him of trying to groom his (cousin’s) younger sister. This stemmed from the fact DH had started writing letters to his younger sister (pre-pubescent at the time) after a family reunion a few years prior. There was no substance to these claims, again the only underaged ‘victim’ in DH’s case was 17, and the letters were perfectly acceptable, it was just a penal relationship between cousins who lived across the country from each other. These accusations were only ever made by him (a teenager at the time), and vaguely by his sister, and their parents did not agree with them (the parents even provided financial assistance during the trial for legal costs). DH was never alone with his sister, or had any opportunity to be alone with her at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did DH do that resulted in legal trouble and getting fired from a school job?

Sorry, but this sounds like sexual abuse of a much younger cousin.

If that's not the story, explain. Because if you told me this exactly as you posted here, my kids would never be in the same room as your DH.

OP here: There was zero abuse.

He was charged with voyourism ten years ago. He had taken a few upskirt photos of women, including a teenager (he was not aware of this) over the course of a few years.

Said cousin accused him of trying to groom his (cousin’s) younger sister. This stemmed from the fact DH had started writing letters to his younger sister (pre-pubescent at the time) after a family reunion a few years prior. There was no substance to these claims, again the only underaged ‘victim’ in DH’s case was 17, and the letters were perfectly acceptable, it was just a penal relationship between cousins who lived across the country from each other. These accusations were only ever made by him (a teenager at the time), and vaguely by his sister, and their parents did not agree with them (the parents even provided financial assistance during the trial for legal costs). DH was never alone with his sister, or had any opportunity to be alone with her at the time.

HOLY SH**