DH Can’t Stand Having Two Kids… 2 Years Later

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, this blew up. DH and I read the responses together.

A few clarifications

(1) His parents are dead and mine struggle to handle a toddler due to bad health / physical shape. Maybe in a couple of years.
(2) I did not bully him into having the 2nd kid, it seemed like a reasonable compromise to us both at the time. We were too cerebral and mathematical in thinking about it, clearly.
(3) Both kids love him, there are lots of hugs and kisses and jumping all over him when he walks thru the door. However, we agree that soon enough they will pick up on the resentment so we can't keep going on like this.
(4) What about solo time on weekends? What about evenings?

Here, we get to what DH and I realized is the crux of the issue. We are just too overloaded.

Before, I used to freelance part-time and had more time and energy. I was the primary parent, and there was plenty of couple time in the evenings. Recently, I got a dream job which has turned out to be nearly full-time. It is nonprofit and it is exactly what I always dreamed of doing since I was a kid. I can't tell you how much I love it after a decade of putting his career first.

But there is no money. So, it means that I have to work more but we can't afford more childcare and household help. I don't have time during the day for errands, cooking, etc. I am also picking up the slack by working in the evenings (our childcare is part-time). And, my DH has had to take on household and parenting 50/50. And he hates that.

We try to teach the kids to be more polite but we are both too exhausted to parent as well as we should. I mean, the older one can entertain herself for hours and regularly does that - reading or going outside to play with neighbors. But the toddler is 2. So there's no getting around the neediness there.

Maybe we should have somehow predicted that this would happen, but we were the first of our friends to get married, much less have kids, and young women are doused in this go-getter "you can have it all" nonsense since middle school. So, we honestly thought we could both have careers we loved and kids and the help we needed.

Good for you for talking it through with your husband. Needing to work every evening is hard on a relationship, no doubt about it! Can you ask your work to reduce your hours? I did this when my oldest was born bent DH was working a lot and I resented being the primary parent and working full time. For various reasons it has helped as the kids get older and one has multiple weekly appointments. There was no equivalent part time version of my job but I asked and they didn’t want to lose me so they let me take a reduction in workload. For me it helps a lot so when I’m out for 90 minutes for appointments I don’t have to work to make up the time after the kids are asleep. Anyway I think people assume there are fewer options than there really are. It really doesn’t hurt to ask. Otherwise agree to stop contributing to your retirement account or whatever it takes for 3 years to get enough child care. Your relationship is worth it!

I just wanted to add that I have BTDT with regard to feeling like it’s my turn to have the priority career, my turn to be supported. And the truth is my turn isn’t coming. My DH is in a much more lucrative field and he’s made choices to not go to the jobs that require 100 hour weeks, he really can’t find an equivalent of the flexible, decent paying, enjoyable work I do. So we together work to figure out what we can live with. I’m not saying to quit this job or that your husband shouldn’t be doing stuff around the house to make things more even. He should recognize your dream and help you work towards it. But unfortunately the reality for so many women is it’s just not going to be your turn, not until your kids are out of the house, so that kind of thinking can get really toxic. Obviously it helps that I really enjoy the extra time I spend with my kids; to me that has made up for the fact I work waaaaaay under my potential in every way. I don’t know if that’s true for you big it is try to acknowledge it. When I’m really honest with myself, if anything I feel sorry for my husband that he misses out so much, but it’s his life and his choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to rework your budget to afford the childcare you need. That is one of the main lessons of the pandemic: childcare matters. Full stop.

You can't work without childcare, OP. If your dream job doesn't pay enough so that your family can afford childcare, you and your DH both need to rethink your jobs. That it's what you've always wanted since you were a kid is fantastic, but it also sounds in direct conflict with the realities of your life with two kids.

Also rethink where you live. Maybe it means getting fully remote/remote-first jobs so you can live in a cheaper part of the DC area with a bigger yard for your kids to run around in and cheaper local daycares. Maybe it means moving the opposite: moving closer in to the city so you shorten your commute and can cut down to one car and save money, plus having a smaller house with less overwhelming household chores. (That's what I did and I'm very happy -- plus we get to feel much more youthful and dynamic with a walkable lifestyle.)

PP you're quoting and, yes, great point. Basically, rethink it all. Because this level of emotional stress isn't fair to anyone, least of all the kids. It's not acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We agreed on two kids when we got married. He wanted 1, I wanted 3, we discussed it a lot and compromised. We were both agreed on waiting to have kid #2. So, she was born when Kid #1 was already 5.

At first, it was the height of covid, no school, no childcare, so my husband’s misery seemed understandable. But here we are two years later and he hates being a dad of two.

Weekdays, he sees them two hours. Complains because they’re very loud, especially the toddler, and he wants to talk to me but can’t have an adult conversation. Weekends, it’s even worse because we have at least one of them at any given time. After bedtime, he’s upset that he’s too exhausted to do anything. If we do stuff with other families, he’s upset that we can’t relax and talk to our friends because we keep getting interrupted by their kids or ours.

He wistfully talks about lucky friends with just one kid, counts down the days until the youngest turns 5 and becomes easier, and is just overall unhappy.

We do date nights and he enjoys those, but goes back to being sad within a day or two. Once my grandparents took the kids for the weekend and he was literally glowing, but it was too hard for them to manage 2, so that’s not happening again. There are no other people to take them and we can’t afford a sitter for more than just the occasional Friday evening.

It’s important to note my DH has always been a very positive and reasonable person, we’ve gotten through big challenges together, but this one is just many years long so he says he can’t handle it.

I struggle with it too. I also don’t like loud noises and would prefer more adult time and find it hard to fit in both work and kids. But I can handle it and stay positive, because for me it’s worth it… at least until his constant negativity brings me down. He doesn’t yell or swear, it’s just like all these sighs and comments and facial expressions, this misery that disappears when he’s not with kids, but returns whenever he’s with them for more than 10 min.

What can I do?

This crap happens with 1 kid the difference is he can defer 1 to you vs having to be involved. With two he needs to be 1:1 or even 2:1 sometimes and thats killing his positivity mannnn.

He doesnt want kids at all. People who are not 100% wanting kids should not have them. To me, any man who says I only want one (not taking into account financials, fertility, etc) means he thinks he has to have a kid but that with one, he wont have to do as much work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We agreed on two kids when we got married. He wanted 1, I wanted 3, we discussed it a lot and compromised. We were both agreed on waiting to have kid #2. So, she was born when Kid #1 was already 5.

At first, it was the height of covid, no school, no childcare, so my husband’s misery seemed understandable. But here we are two years later and he hates being a dad of two.

Weekdays, he sees them two hours. Complains because they’re very loud, especially the toddler, and he wants to talk to me but can’t have an adult conversation. Weekends, it’s even worse because we have at least one of them at any given time. After bedtime, he’s upset that he’s too exhausted to do anything. If we do stuff with other families, he’s upset that we can’t relax and talk to our friends because we keep getting interrupted by their kids or ours.

He wistfully talks about lucky friends with just one kid, counts down the days until the youngest turns 5 and becomes easier, and is just overall unhappy.

We do date nights and he enjoys those, but goes back to being sad within a day or two. Once my grandparents took the kids for the weekend and he was literally glowing, but it was too hard for them to manage 2, so that’s not happening again. There are no other people to take them and we can’t afford a sitter for more than just the occasional Friday evening.

It’s important to note my DH has always been a very positive and reasonable person, we’ve gotten through big challenges together, but this one is just many years long so he says he can’t handle it.

I struggle with it too. I also don’t like loud noises and would prefer more adult time and find it hard to fit in both work and kids. But I can handle it and stay positive, because for me it’s worth it… at least until his constant negativity brings me down. He doesn’t yell or swear, it’s just like all these sighs and comments and facial expressions, this misery that disappears when he’s not with kids, but returns whenever he’s with them for more than 10 min.

What can I do?

He told you he only wanted one and you insisted on two. He caved but he didn't want another. However, you got your way and now you have two. He needs to grow up because he is being a worse than a toddler. But you got your way and the second kid is all on you. By the time you're divorced you'll be used to doing it all by yourself. Now you know why you never have a child unless both parents want another child. I feel sorry for both children but not for their spoiled, petulant parents.

Np Wrong conclusion. If dh didn't want a second kid than it was up to him and her not to let that happen. Now that the kid is here he doesn't get the option to opt out. He could have had a vasectomy but, he didn't. So now he is equally responsible for the children he helped create.

Sorry op he sounds like a big loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We agreed on two kids when we got married. He wanted 1, I wanted 3, we discussed it a lot and compromised. We were both agreed on waiting to have kid #2. So, she was born when Kid #1 was already 5.

At first, it was the height of covid, no school, no childcare, so my husband’s misery seemed understandable. But here we are two years later and he hates being a dad of two.

Weekdays, he sees them two hours. Complains because they’re very loud, especially the toddler, and he wants to talk to me but can’t have an adult conversation. Weekends, it’s even worse because we have at least one of them at any given time. After bedtime, he’s upset that he’s too exhausted to do anything. If we do stuff with other families, he’s upset that we can’t relax and talk to our friends because we keep getting interrupted by their kids or ours.

He wistfully talks about lucky friends with just one kid, counts down the days until the youngest turns 5 and becomes easier, and is just overall unhappy.

We do date nights and he enjoys those, but goes back to being sad within a day or two. Once my grandparents took the kids for the weekend and he was literally glowing, but it was too hard for them to manage 2, so that’s not happening again. There are no other people to take them and we can’t afford a sitter for more than just the occasional Friday evening.

It’s important to note my DH has always been a very positive and reasonable person, we’ve gotten through big challenges together, but this one is just many years long so he says he can’t handle it.

I struggle with it too. I also don’t like loud noises and would prefer more adult time and find it hard to fit in both work and kids. But I can handle it and stay positive, because for me it’s worth it… at least until his constant negativity brings me down. He doesn’t yell or swear, it’s just like all these sighs and comments and facial expressions, this misery that disappears when he’s not with kids, but returns whenever he’s with them for more than 10 min.

What can I do?

This crap happens with 1 kid the difference is he can defer 1 to you vs having to be involved. With two he needs to be 1:1 or even 2:1 sometimes and thats killing his positivity mannnn.

He doesnt want kids at all. People who are not 100% wanting kids should not have them. To me, any man who says I only want one (not taking into account financials, fertility, etc) means he thinks he has to have a kid but that with one, he wont have to do as much work.

Really good point. I think this is true too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, this is on you. You’ll need to pick up the slack and stretch yourself for a few years. My DH didn’t want another, I did. We stopped with one. No regrets from either of us. A child is a two yes decision. Looks like you’ll be a busy bee for a decade or so but you got your two kids. Congratulations!

He agreed. She didn’t get pregnant by herself.

She still knew that he only wanted one so his agreement was tepid. You should not have only tepid agreement.

And she wanted three. Is she allowed to mope around and refuse to do basic parenting bc she's sad about only having two? They compromised, now they both need to make the best of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to rework your budget to afford the childcare you need. That is one of the main lessons of the pandemic: childcare matters. Full stop.

You can't work without childcare, OP. If your dream job doesn't pay enough so that your family can afford childcare, you and your DH both need to rethink your jobs. That it's what you've always wanted since you were a kid is fantastic, but it also sounds in direct conflict with the realities of your life with two kids.

Also rethink where you live. Maybe it means getting fully remote/remote-first jobs so you can live in a cheaper part of the DC area with a bigger yard for your kids to run around in and cheaper local daycares. Maybe it means moving the opposite: moving closer in to the city so you shorten your commute and can cut down to one car and save money, plus having a smaller house with less overwhelming household chores. (That's what I did and I'm very happy -- plus we get to feel much more youthful and dynamic with a walkable lifestyle.)

PP you're quoting and, yes, great point. Basically, rethink it all. Because this level of emotional stress isn't fair to anyone, least of all the kids. It's not acceptable.

+1 From OP's follow up this doesn't sound like a 'can't stand the kid" issue but a "can't stand the 2-working parents/no childcare' issue. This would be a problem even if you only had one child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“He doesn’t yell or swear, it’s just like all these sighs and comments and facial expressions, this misery that disappears when he’s not with kids, but returns whenever he’s with them for more than 10 min.”

This is a problem. My dad was the same way (except he did yell). He made it obvious that he could barely tolerate us and that he’d rather do anything else then spend time with us.

My mom thought that as long as he didn’t actually hit us, it was fine but it’s NOT. Your DH needs therapy stat or your kids will suffer, guaranteed.

Yeah, this is so sad for the kids. He really can't pull it together for three years or so until they can both be sent to the basement to watch a movie? It's not that much time in the grand scheme

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, this blew up. DH and I read the responses together.

A few clarifications

(1) His parents are dead and mine struggle to handle a toddler due to bad health / physical shape. Maybe in a couple of years.
(2) I did not bully him into having the 2nd kid, it seemed like a reasonable compromise to us both at the time. We were too cerebral and mathematical in thinking about it, clearly.
(3) Both kids love him, there are lots of hugs and kisses and jumping all over him when he walks thru the door. However, we agree that soon enough they will pick up on the resentment so we can't keep going on like this.
(4) What about solo time on weekends? What about evenings?

Here, we get to what DH and I realized is the crux of the issue. We are just too overloaded.

Before, I used to freelance part-time and had more time and energy. I was the primary parent, and there was plenty of couple time in the evenings. Recently, I got a dream job which has turned out to be nearly full-time. It is nonprofit and it is exactly what I always dreamed of doing since I was a kid. I can't tell you how much I love it after a decade of putting his career first.

But there is no money. So, it means that I have to work more but we can't afford more childcare and household help. I don't have time during the day for errands, cooking, etc. I am also picking up the slack by working in the evenings (our childcare is part-time). And, my DH has had to take on household and parenting 50/50. And he hates that.

We try to teach the kids to be more polite but we are both too exhausted to parent as well as we should. I mean, the older one can entertain herself for hours and regularly does that - reading or going outside to play with neighbors. But the toddler is 2. So there's no getting around the neediness there.

Maybe we should have somehow predicted that this would happen, but we were the first of our friends to get married, much less have kids, and young women are doused in this go-getter "you can have it all" nonsense since middle school. So, we honestly thought we could both have careers we loved and kids and the help we needed.

I commend you for sharing this with your husband. It sounds like you two are committed to finding a solution. Agree with the PP who says the "intensive parenting" narrative has become incredibly damaging.

I've felt like your husband all too frequently. Having young kids is really hard and the "savor these moments!" content we see everywhere is disingenuous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately your mistake was having them so far apart in age. Hopefully you will feel that less acutely as time goes on. I agree this would have my very much questioning my marriage though

I kind of agree that this is part of it. It's like, just when you were out of the woods, you went back into the woods. However, I would think that having the 5yo would give DH some perspective. Like, doesn't he get that this is a phase and within 1-2 years everything will be much easier?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We agreed on two kids when we got married. He wanted 1, I wanted 3, we discussed it a lot and compromised. We were both agreed on waiting to have kid #2. So, she was born when Kid #1 was already 5.

At first, it was the height of covid, no school, no childcare, so my husband’s misery seemed understandable. But here we are two years later and he hates being a dad of two.

Weekdays, he sees them two hours. Complains because they’re very loud, especially the toddler, and he wants to talk to me but can’t have an adult conversation. Weekends, it’s even worse because we have at least one of them at any given time. After bedtime, he’s upset that he’s too exhausted to do anything. If we do stuff with other families, he’s upset that we can’t relax and talk to our friends because we keep getting interrupted by their kids or ours.

He wistfully talks about lucky friends with just one kid, counts down the days until the youngest turns 5 and becomes easier, and is just overall unhappy.

We do date nights and he enjoys those, but goes back to being sad within a day or two. Once my grandparents took the kids for the weekend and he was literally glowing, but it was too hard for them to manage 2, so that’s not happening again. There are no other people to take them and we can’t afford a sitter for more than just the occasional Friday evening.

It’s important to note my DH has always been a very positive and reasonable person, we’ve gotten through big challenges together, but this one is just many years long so he says he can’t handle it.

I struggle with it too. I also don’t like loud noises and would prefer more adult time and find it hard to fit in both work and kids. But I can handle it and stay positive, because for me it’s worth it… at least until his constant negativity brings me down. He doesn’t yell or swear, it’s just like all these sighs and comments and facial expressions, this misery that disappears when he’s not with kids, but returns whenever he’s with them for more than 10 min.

What can I do?

This crap happens with 1 kid the difference is he can defer 1 to you vs having to be involved. With two he needs to be 1:1 or even 2:1 sometimes and thats killing his positivity mannnn.

He doesnt want kids at all. People who are not 100% wanting kids should not have them. To me, any man who says I only want one (not taking into account financials, fertility, etc) means he thinks he has to have a kid but that with one, he wont have to do as much work.

Really good point. I think this is true too.

I agree with this too. I think the second is often a bigger adjustment for the secondary parent who now has to step up for the first time.

[Anonymous]

I had 3 over a ten year span. I’ve been doing the little kid thing for too long. Secondary infertility and then IVF.

It has made me see the wisdom of the married at 22, three kids in 5 years, then start a career later plan. Corporate professional jobs ask too much of us and intensive parenting is impossible. Something has got to give. I’d prefer that not be “women back to the kitchen” plan favored by the right wing, but here we are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PSA again: most men just shouldn't have kids.

99% of men have kids because the women want the kids.

This is not true at all. In all the relationships I know that ended over a disagreement about whether to have kids, it was the woman who didn't want them. Most men want kids bc they want a legacy and a like the idea of a family. Women don't care as much about that and they also understand that they will carry a much heavier share of the parent burden even under ideal circumstances

[Anonymous]

NP.
To the OP, consider ways to reduce the load that cost less money.
In particular, cleaning and laundry (wash and fold service, Roomba) and some of food. (Those "prep 5 dinners in one sitting" videos exist for a reason.) If you don't want to, show your husband these videos.
Can you increase your childcare by a couple of hours each week?

Maybe you can process reevaluate your life and focus on parts of your routine that are time sucks. In my house it's bedtime. Takes forever and sucks all the evening time. You might have to employ some TV. I don't love it but Peppa Pig acts as a 100% complete distractor to my 2 y.o. Have sensible limits but also consider letting go of some parenting goals, but not the respect and chores you want to see them doing which trigger you otherwise.

Do you guys have PTO left in your bank? Find a time to use it if you've been putting off vacations. Can your parents watch one kid at a time, or watch both with help from a babysitter?

Some of it is your husband should suck it up, and watch his negativity. Go for a run or eat a secret chocolate if he has to, whatever it takes.

Also for him: if he's not enjoying how he's spending time with the kids, consider finding ways to make it myro enjoyable. Such as, taking toddler on a bike while biking or exercising. Playing podcasts about science for kids so they can get excited about it. Take em to the store and run errands. I don't know your particular life but I'm sure the internet has many ideas. Find him dad friends (that's a big one).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP.
To the OP, consider ways to reduce the load that cost less money.
In particular, cleaning and laundry (wash and fold service, Roomba) and some of food. (Those "prep 5 dinners in one sitting" videos exist for a reason.) If you don't want to, show your husband these videos.
Can you increase your childcare by a couple of hours each week?

Maybe you can process reevaluate your life and focus on parts of your routine that are time sucks. In my house it's bedtime. Takes forever and sucks all the evening time. You might have to employ some TV. I don't love it but Peppa Pig acts as a 100% complete distractor to my 2 y.o. Have sensible limits but also consider letting go of some parenting goals, but not the respect and chores you want to see them doing which trigger you otherwise.

Do you guys have PTO left in your bank? Find a time to use it if you've been putting off vacations. Can your parents watch one kid at a time, or watch both with help from a babysitter?

Some of it is your husband should suck it up, and watch his negativity. Go for a run or eat a secret chocolate if he has to, whatever it takes.

Also for him: if he's not enjoying how he's spending time with the kids, consider finding ways to make it myro enjoyable. Such as, taking toddler on a bike while biking or exercising. Playing podcasts about science for kids so they can get excited about it. Take em to the store and run errands. I don't know your particular life but I'm sure the internet has many ideas. Find him dad friends (that's a big one).

Hahaha Peppa Pig is a lifesaver in my house too.

Agree with the bolded and really all of this post. I became a lot happier with parenting when I could take my kid places with me and not have it be totally miserable, around 2 1/2. When my DH has a morning to himself, I take her to a coffee shop or the farmers market. Just looking around at the vegetables and saying hi to the vendors is fun for her and I can buy some stuff too. Kids love public transit -- go on a bus or train ride to somewhere you like.