Reply to DH Can’t Stand Having Two Kids… 2 Years Later

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Wow, this blew up. DH and I read the responses together.

A few clarifications

(1) His parents are dead and mine struggle to handle a toddler due to bad health / physical shape. Maybe in a couple of years. 
(2) I did not bully him into having the 2nd kid, it seemed like a reasonable compromise to us both at the time. We were too cerebral and mathematical in thinking about it, clearly. 
(3) Both kids love him, there are lots of hugs and kisses and jumping all over him when he walks thru the door. However, we agree that soon enough they will pick up on the resentment so we can't keep going on like this. 
(4) What about solo time on weekends? What about evenings?

Here, we get to what DH and I realized is the crux of the issue. We are just too overloaded.

Before, I used to freelance part-time and had more time and energy. I was the primary parent, and there was plenty of couple time in the evenings. Recently, I got a dream job which has turned out to be nearly full-time. It is nonprofit and it is exactly what I always dreamed of doing since I was a kid. I can't tell you how much I love it after a decade of putting his career first.

But there is no money. So, it means that I have to work more but we can't afford more childcare and household help. I don't have time during the day for errands, cooking, etc. I am also picking up the slack by working in the evenings (our childcare is part-time). And, my DH has had to take on household and parenting 50/50. And he hates that.

We try to teach the kids to be more polite but we are both too exhausted to parent as well as we should. I mean, the older one can entertain herself for hours and regularly does that - reading or going outside to play with neighbors. But the toddler is 2. So there's no getting around the neediness there.

Maybe we should have somehow predicted that this would happen, but we were the first of our friends to get married, much less have kids, and young women are doused in this go-getter "you can have it all" nonsense since middle school. So, we honestly thought we could both have careers we loved and kids and the help we needed.
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Good for you for talking it through with your husband. Needing to work every evening is hard on a relationship, no doubt about it! Can you ask your work to reduce your hours? I did this when my oldest was born bent DH was working a lot and I resented being the primary parent and working full time. For various reasons it has helped as the kids get older and one has multiple weekly appointments. There was no equivalent part time version of my job but I asked and they didn’t want to lose me so they let me take a reduction in workload. For me it helps a lot so when I’m out for 90 minutes for appointments I don’t have to work to make up the time after the kids are asleep. Anyway I think people assume there are fewer options than there really are. It really doesn’t hurt to ask. Otherwise agree to stop contributing to your retirement account or whatever it takes for 3 years to get enough child care. Your relationship is worth it![/quote]

I just wanted to add that I have BTDT with regard to feeling like it’s my turn to have the priority career, my turn to be supported. And the truth is my turn isn’t coming. My DH is in a much more lucrative field and he’s made choices to not go to the jobs that require 100 hour weeks, he really can’t find an equivalent of the flexible, decent paying, enjoyable work I do. So we together work to figure out what we can live with. I’m not saying to quit this job or that your husband shouldn’t be doing stuff around the house to make things more even. He should recognize your dream and help you work towards it. But unfortunately the reality for so many women is it’s just not going to be your turn, not until your kids are out of the house, so that kind of thinking can get really toxic. Obviously it helps that I really enjoy the extra time I spend with my kids; to me that has made up for the fact I work waaaaaay under my potential in every way. I don’t know if that’s true for you big it is try to acknowledge it. When I’m really honest with myself, if anything I feel sorry for my husband that he misses out so much, but it’s his life and his choices. [/quote]

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